« ForrigeFortsæt »
One, however, took place on the right lower ribs of the hero,
Round Eighth and Last.
Woe was in Bristol town-woe, woe on the Severn and Avon;
Such was the state of the West. Meanwhile Spring travelled to London, There to be hailed as the Champion bold of merry Old England. Neat he saw in bed his arm was fastened with splinters
Face of my Lord Grim-Grizzle.]– Is not mine something like ?–M. OD.-An acquaintance of Mr Lambton's, who [Of course.-C. N.] calls him the Erl.King. Mark the spon
1. The whole black body of butchers raged, daic again, Dr Carey.-M. OD.
like a troubled sea, with a wild and muti, + Stormy and sad by fits. ]—See Homer, nous uproar. ]—Imitated from 11. 7. “A meeting of Trojans was held,” “The whole dense body of darkness says the old fellow,
Raged like a troubled sea, with a wild and Δεινη και τετρήχυια.
mutinous uproar.-SOUTHEY." .
I quote from memory.-M. OD.
κ. τ. λ.
And in the heel of his fist Tom nobly inserted some shiners.
Where are the chaffers now, who swore that Spring was no hitter?
It is an undoubted historical fact, that Neat's brotherhood, the butchers of Bristol, betted particularly thick upon him. He must be a rigid moralist, indeed, who would condemn this. “ Butcherus sum, butcheriani nihil a me alienum puto," will hold as truly, ay, and more truly, than the original passage of the dramatist, which asserted, that all human cares were participated in by all human beings. The butchers, consequently, were severe sufferers; one poor flesher bled to the tune of six hundred pounds—an amiable man, with an interesting wife and six small children. The green visage of the Sheriff was seen in the market; and a vast quantity of the implements by which the most powerful of cattle fell, fell themselves in turn under the fatal hammer of the auctioneer. It is not wonderful, under such circumstances, that the butchers should shew much sore flesh. Among them it is a general belief that Neat did cross it; and accordingly he is not so popular a preacher as the Reverend Neddy Irving, by several degrees. Besides, national pride is against the belief, that a Herefordshire man, bred in London, should subdue the flower of Bristol, the wonder of the western land. Neat, however, is indignant at the idea, and lays the whole circumference of the blame upon his broken radius. We happened to be bye in Bristol, when a young gentleman, six feet two high, of a mild countenance, slightly pitted with the small-pox, and considerably blown up with brandy, was coming off a Southampton coach, in company with his father, a very decent-looking seventeen-stone old body. The father and son were conversing affably about the late event, which has brought more ruin on the western empire than any disaster since the days of Honorius; and the son, just as he stepped down, remarked gently," ByNeat sold the fight.” A man of a certain appearance, with his right arm in a sling, was standing by, and asked, with more energy than politesse,“ Who the blazes dost thee speak of ?"-"Why," said the youth, “Neat, who sold the fight.” On which the man of the arm, putting forth his sinister bunch of fives, saluted the youngster under the ear with a blow that projected him about seven feet six inches across the street, deposited him in a place of safety in the sink, and sent the blood gushing forth, with the most fluent liberality, from mouth, nose, and ears." Now,” said the striker, “ I'm Neat; what dost thee say to that?"_“ Nothing at all,” replied the strikee, “ only that I am satisfied.”
But forty thousand knock-down blows would not satisfy the body-politic of the butchers. We were ourself in company with a very interesting and ingenious person of that tribe, with whom we had much conversation. He is a truly fine and amiable butcher, who had lost a quantity of cash on the fight. He vented his indignation sadly against Bill Neat, and his wrath would not be appeased. He ventured to suggest, that Bill's arm being broken, quite did up all his chance; and hinted, that, in fact, he had no chance even without the smash of his bone. In truth, we may as well at once tell the reader, that we look upon Spring as the better man tardy to be sure, something like a British reviewer, but still of guard impenetrable, great coolness, great courage, and great science. Neat is a man more of genius than cultivation—in ruffianing superb, in skill defective. Now, as we know that they are men of equal weight, or that the difference, if any, is for Spring, he being 3 pounds heavier, and that he has the advantage of being a nicer height, viz. 5 feet 114 inches, while Neat is 6 feet 1 inch, we say that no ruffianosity can ever beat science under such circumstances. This we stated with our utmost eloquence to our friend the butcher, but in vain. He had a preconceived theory that Neat could beat, and would not, which no facts could conquer. Undoubtedly, however, our friend, the feller of oxen, is a man of genius; for he wrote a song in the height of his indignation, of which he kindly gave us a copy, on condition that we should keep it a secret. We therefore commit it in confidence to our readers :
Lament of a big Bristol Butcher.
I was as green as cabbage,
The ugly-looking savage.
And as the Severn muddy,
Of that big bruiser bloody.
As stupid as a jack-ass,
One whiff of my tobaccoes.
I now don't care a splinter;
Than the bitterest day of Winter.
Woe, woe among the cleavers !
Among Bill Neat's believers.
I'm rooked of every sovereign;
Whatever king may govern! We do not hesitate to say, that the author of these verses is a poet, and are not without a hope, that the same age, which saw raised from humble degree to the heights, or at least declivities, of Parnassus, such souls as those of our own, our dear friend Hogg the Shepherd of Ettrick, or, to leave him out of the question, of Clare the hedger, Cunningham the mason, Blomfield the herd, Keates the apothecary, and Mrs Yearsley the milkwoman, will also have the happiness of witnessing the rise and progress of the author of this Lament, Humphry Huggins, the butcher.
ON THE GORMANDIZING SCHOOL OF ELOQUENCE.
MR D. ABERCROMBY.
An empty head and an empty sto- been the case long ago, that is to say, mach, when found united, as they of mid-way between the Flood and the ten are, in one and the same indivi- Union of the two kingdoms, we cannot dual, incapacitate their owner for any tell, never having been addicted to argreat mental or corporeal exertion. chaiological researches. But this we But take your man, and cram him will say, that no Highlander ever ate with turtle soup, roast-beef, and cran- a haggis in a kilt upon a hill of heaberry-tarts, and however Nature may ther, and that if such a thing were to abhor the vacuum in his unfurnished be found lying in a glen, no untravelupper story, she is so pleased with the led Highlander would be able to swear repletion of his victualling-office, that conscientiously upon the Bible, wheshe makes the belly perform the work ther it belonged to the vegetable kingof the brain, and shews what is in a dom, was a pair of bellows, or a newman after three finished and regularly-imported bag-pipe. In all likecourses of education. Look along a lihood he would, with that curiosity large public dinner, eaten either in natural to all savages, stick his dirk the cause of Freedom or the Fine Arts, into its hurdies; and being generally and you will observe how ideas seem in a state of hunger, he would begin to be rising up from the very pits of with tasting, and finish with devourtheir stomachs, into the countenances ing the contents thereof. But still be of the friends of the human race. In would not believe it to be indigenous ; all probability, every gentleman pre- nor, in after life, during his sojourn in sent has a ninny at either elbow; but Liverpool, or any other remote town, that is of no earthly consequence"; the would he devoutly bow down to it, dinner does its duty; the cook makes and worship it as the idol of one of his every cub a Canping; and the speaker country's gods. Into the history of on spare diet, what is he when brought the haggis, we have not time this into rivalry with some glutton of the month to inquire, nor do we know at Gormandizing School, inspired by a present whether it originally was the peck of green peas, and ballasted with dish of a free people or a nation of beef 8s. per stone, sinking offals? slaves. But, however like its “ hur
We intend giving a monthly report dies” may be to “ distant hills,” the of such dinners; and without farther Highlanders have had no opportunity preamble, begin with that of the Scot- in their own country of making the tish Club, Liverpool, devoured upon comparison ; and once more we enter the 18th of June, A. D. 1823. The our protest against this attempt to atMembers of the Club, (so we are in- tribute a Celtic origin to the “ great formed by our friend Mr Merrit's chieftain of the pudding race," whose excellent paper, the Advertiser,) met name and lineage, smell and sound, in the Castle Inn, Lord-Street, many are exceedingly Gothic. of them in “splendid Highland dress- However, be the history of the hages." “ The sonsy face of Scotland's gis what it may, there can be no favourite dish, the haggis, graced the doubt that Mr D. Abercromby must festive board,” &c. Of this most hi- have lubricated the coats of his stodeous and indecent dish, Burns, who mach with it most assiduously, before did not stick at trifles, said, “ Thy he could discharge the following orahurdies like twa distant hills ;" and tion. “ The Bulwark of Liberty, and when people sit down to dine with the Foe of Despotism, a Free Press," their own hurdies bare, nothing bet- having been drunk, the Gormandizer, ter can be expected from them, than No. I., arose, and thus vivavoced the to place a pair upon the table, and to Chair :aver that they grace the festive
“ MR CHAIRMAN, board.” But we solemnly protest “ Having been connected with the press against the doctrine that holds haggis from my earliest years, and emboluened to be the national and characteristic by the toast which you have just now drunk, diet of Scotland. What may have I am induced to obtrude myself upon your attention for a few moments ; not, indeed, self into a belief that he dethroned for the purpose of shewing the astonishing Napoleon. Nothing will satisfy him effects which have been produced upon the but to celebrate the anniversary of the moral, the religious, and the political Battle of Waterloo, where, however world, by that most powerful engine, the press ; nor to point out the benefits which less butter than briinstone, and where
great the itch of fighting, there was mankind have derived from the use of it, the few hundred Highlanders that or the evils of which it has been produc
were not killed at Quatre Bras, were tive, (all of which would be quite foreign to the occasion of our present meeting) but despatched like so many haggises, and to advert very briefly to the objects which left with their hurdies to fatten the the members of the Scottish Club had in soil of the ungrateful Netherlands. view at its establishment.-Before doing What better is all this vapouring about so, however, permit me to mention, en a day of blood, than the imitative passant, that this day, on which we cele. cock-a-doodle-dooing of schoolboys, brate, for the first time, the establishment who have chanced to see two gameof the Scottish Club in this town, is the cocks slaying each other, and who keep anniversary of an event which will ever be Aapping their arms as if they were memorable in the annals of this country,
a themselves the combatants, and all so period on which history will long dwell with delight, and the anniversary of which many bloody-heeled Ginger-Piles ? will furnish to ages yet unborn the theme But Mr D. Abercromby now leaves of many a noble story. Need I state, that the ensanguined field of Waterloo, I allude to the glorious battle of Waterloo ? and tells the Scottish Club why they That event is of so very recent date, and the are all met together, which, we preparticulars are so very familiar to all of you, sume, but for his well-timed informathat I should unnecessarily occupy your tion, would have remained a secret time by entering into any detail of the gal- even from themselves. lant feats performed by the heroes of Bri
“ The objects for which the Scottish tain on that glorious day. Suffice it to say, Club was instituted, are such as to comthat never on any former field of glory, mend themselves to the judgment of every distinguished as they have been for deeds
man acquainted with them, and to do equal of arms, did the bravery of the sons of St credit to the head and the heart of him who George shine forth with greater lustre ; ne. proposed its establishment, and to y, a who ver did the lads of Erin display more of have matured and brought it to its present their native heroism, than they that day high state of respectability and usefulness. shewed in supporting the reputation of These objects, I believe, I will be correct their General," himself the child of their in saying, are three in number, viz.–First, own dear • isle of the ocean ;' and never
and chiefly, the support of the infirm, the were more noble deeds of daring performed sick, and the aged amongst yon. Secondby any than were that day displayed by our
ly, The promotion of that amor patriæ gallant countrymen, the bold and hardy which is inherent in every man, but which sons of the North
is peculiarly characteristic of Scotchmen. • Lads who cry onward, but never cry parley
And, lastly, To preserve from extinction, Bold Scottish lads, with their bannocks of bar- amidst the ever-varying and fantastical faley.""
shions of every-day invention, the peculiar
and national dress of Scotland. Let me What a glorious exordium !-and how
trespass upon your patience for a few moredolent of haggis and heather, duck
ments, whilst I briefly make a few hastilyling and sage stuffing. Why did the concocted observations on each of these in godlike man decline shewing the as- their order." tonishing effects which have been pro- Here the excellence of his remarks duced upon the moral, political, and proves the fulness of his stomach. Hareligious world, by that most power- ving, in his skilful exordium, declined ful engine, the Press? Why should he any historical exposition of the power have thought it foreign to the purpose of the Press over the destinies of mran, of the meeting, not a whit more surely which he felt inwardly would have than the battle of Waterloo ? Not a been a needless condiment to that highsoul ate baggis that day, who had any- ly-savoured dish, a haggis-with sithing to do with the great battle, and milar judgment, he remarks, “ It they might just as appropriately have would be a waste of time, an insult to swallowed haggis and strutted in kilts your good sense, to shew, by any upon the 1st of April, as on the 18th lengthened remarks, the necessity of of June. But we observe, that no making provision for infirmity, sicksooner does a Highlander put on a kilt, ness, and old age.” He then slides on, than he begins with scratching him with an alacrity only possible in a