THE

HOSEA GETS SEATED.

HE visiting preacher had occupied two hours discussing the Major Prophets, and then tendered a mild apology as he was about to tackle the string of Minor Prophets. "Now," said he, "where will I place Hosea?" An old gentleman in the front row hammered with his cane on the floor and shouted, "Place Hosea right here where he can hear you, for I'm going home.”

MURE

STILL THE DANGER SIGNAL.

[URPHY'S life was made miserable until Tim, his boy, was provided with a goat. But when the goat ate the good man's three red flannel shirts, sentence of death was passed on said goat. Murphy tells the story of his departure thus: He tied the goat to a rail on the Pan Handle Railroad a few minutes before the Pacific express was due, and then hid behind a freight car, as he did not wish to be an eye witness of the tragedy. The train bowled along, but alarm after alarm was sounded for brakes and the Pacific express came to a standstill. The goat had coughed up the red shirts and flagged the train.

BREVITY SURE.

PEREMPTORILY ordered to cut down his voluminous and unnecessary

reports of wrecks on the division, and to get the road open for train movement, Finnegan next day cleared off a chaotic wreck and then telegraphed the manager:

"Off again, on again,

Gone again, Finnegan."

THE DIFFERENCE.

[ARK TWAIN said the only difference between Washington and himself was Washington couldn't lie; "I can, but I wont," said Mark.

S

A REASON FOR QUIET.

MALL BOY (on tiptoe, to his companions)—"Sh-stop your noise, all of you."

Companions-"Hello, Tommy! What is the matter?"

Small Boy-"We've got a new baby-it's very weak and tired-walked all the way from Heaven last night-mustn't be kickin' up a row 'round here now."

A

SPEAKING OF EGGS.

Ta Western town a traveler alighted for breakfast at a railway station. The attentive young woman brought the boiled eggs, broke open one, and courteously asked "Shall I open the other one?" "No," said the traveler, almost gasping, "open the window."

A

A DROP IN OIL.

JEW broker was standing on an oil tub at an auction held the other day at Birmingham, England, when, in the excitement of "Going, going, gone!" he stamped the staves loose and disappeared in the oil.

Two

BATTLE OF BULL RUN.

WO American soldiers were speaking about the battle of Bull Run. One of them was a Yankee, the other an Irishman.

"Pat," said the Yankee, "were you at the battle of Bull Run?”

"I was," said Pat.

"I'm sure you ran," said the Yank.

"I did," said Pat, “and the man that did not run is there yet."

SPECTACLES WE CAN NEVER FORGET.

"SPECTACLES we can never forget," read an old lady among the war

news. "I'd like to know where they sell them, as I am always mislaying mine."

ALWAYS MUSICAL.

To a mule's ear a mule's voice is always musical.

"I

WOULD like to secure an audience with

AN EASY ONE.
your wife."

"If you will consent to be the audience it ought to be easy enough."

NO HITCH.

"D'

ID her wedding go off without a hitch?"

"It did, indeed; the man she was going to marry didn't show up."

S

TOO VOCIFEROUS.

TORE CLERK-"Here's a material, madam, that speaks for itself." Customer-"Oh, I don't want anything quite so loud as that."—Boston

Transcript.

A

WHY WAS HE LAUGHING?

ND speaking of apparel, here's old Dix Merrit in the Nashville Banner, telling of an old gentlemen with white hair, silver gray mustache and Prince Albert coat sitting on the customs house steps laughing at the top of his voice. Why was he laughing? Because-we imagine-someone had stolen all his clothes but the Prince Albert.

G

DIFFERENT KIND OF DOG.

RIGGS "Lost money in that stock deal, did you? Say, let me give you a pointer."

"No, you don't! No more pointers for me. What I'm looking for now is a retriever."-Boston Transcript.

A

A PHENOMENON.

GRAY-HAIRED baby has been born at Pine Creek, Ky. The only way we can explain this phenomenon is that it arrived over the B. & O.

JOHNNY WISE.

TE

EACHER-"Johnny may tell us from what family the skunk is descended."

John "There ain't no such thing."

Teacher-"As what?"

John-"A de-scented skunk."

"LE

Life.

THEN WE WENT TO THE GAME.

ET'S see. Didn't your grandmother die once before this summer?”
"Yes, sir. She-she come pretty near bein' buried alive that time.”—

LITTLE PITCHERS.

A, does pa help to clean the streets?"

“Ma,.

"What a question! Of course he doesn't."

"But I heard him telling Mr. Jaggs that he fell off the water wagon the other night."-Baltimore American.

H

SOME LETTERS HE DROPPED.

IRAM JONES had just returned from a personally conducted tour of Europe.

"I suppose," commented a friend, "that when you were in England you did as the English do, and dropped your h's?"

"No," moodily responded the returned traveler, "I didn't; I did as the Americans do. I dropped my V's and X's."

Then he slowly meandered down to the bank to see if he couldn't get the mortgage extended.-Lippincott's.

"TH

A DEFERRED REPROOF.

THE next time you spill your coffee on the tablecloth don't try to hide it by setting the cup on it. I will notice it anyway when I clean up." "Yes, but I'm in the office by that time."-Meggendorfer Blatter.

WHOM TO THANK.

"I SUPPOSE you feel very thankful to Santa Claus for providing you with

such a fine turkey?" said the minister to Uncle 'Lijah's little boy.

"Naw, sah," replied the pickaninny. "Uncle tole dis chile ter be than'ful ter Farmer Green fur leavin' his henhouse dore on de jar."

NAME YOUR GRUB.

JAVE you any breakfast food?" he inquired in Christian Endeavor ac

"HAVE you any, ak guess yes," responded Roaring Pete, the cowboy

cents. "Well, I

waiter. "We got ham and eggs, fried sausage, chuck steak, spare ribs, mutton chops, corned hash, hog and hominy, light bread, heavy bread, hot bread, cold bread, corn bread, toast bread, apple butter, peach butter, bull butter, coffee, tea, buttermilk and beer. Breakfast food? Well, that's our winner. Name your grub."-Exchange.

"I

NO KICK COMING.

FEAR pa will put his foot down when you ask to marry me."

Globe.

"I don't mind that, dear, as long as he doesn't put it up."-Boston

A FRONT LINE SCHOOL.

A

BOY in school who couldn't spell "spool" was kicked down stairs by the principal, who told the boy's father he was initiating his son into the mysteries of the solar system. He did it with the sole of his boot. There was an additional complaint against this particular school. A pious lad ran a brad awl into another lad about a yard, and when brought to account about it called it awl-spice. That boy will never be a "school marm."

WH

MUTT AND JEFF.

HEN the Kaiser had decorated Mutt with an iron cross for bravery, Jeff was next in line, of course. Just as he was about to decorate him, Jeff inquired the value of the cross. "About 50 cents," said the Kaiser. "Well," said Jeff, "if it makes no difference to you, I'll take the 50 cents."

THE CURE.

GROWTH in knowledge is the only cure for self-conceit.

A PERPETUAL TORMENTOR.

NVY is the perpetual tormentor of virtue.

E

ONE may live as a conqueror, magistrate or king, but he must die as a

man.