good people of England; one of which is par-seeches him to finish his narration: then he ticularly calculated to deceive religious per- proceeds; And so, sir-where can my box sons, to the great scandal of the well-disposed, be?' Then turning to me,' Pray, sir, did you and may introduce heterodox opinions. He see my box?' 'Yes, sir,' said I I took it to shows you a straw-hat, which I know to be see how long you could live without it.' He made by Madge Peskad, within three miles of resumes his tale, and I took notice that his Bedford; and tells you,' It is Pontius Pilate's dulness was much more regular and fluent than wife's chambermaid's sister's hat.' To my before. A pinch supplied the place of' As I knowledge of this very hat it may be added, was saying,' and 'So, sir;' and he went on that the covering of straw was never used currently enough in that style which the among the Jews, since it was demanded of them learned call the insipid. This observation to make bricks without it. Therefore this is easily led me into a philosophic reason for really nothing but, under the specious pretence taking snuff, which is done only to supply with of learning and antiquities, to impose upon sensations the want of reflection. This I take the world. There are other things which I to be an ɛυρŋפ, a nostrum ; upon which hope cannot tolerate among his rarities: as, the to receive the thanks of this board for as it is china figure of a lady in the glass-case; the natural to lift a man's hand to a sore, when Italian engine for the imprisonment of those you fear any thing coming at you; so when a who go abroad with it: both which I hereby person feels his thoughts are run out, and he order to be taken down, or else he may expect has no more to say, it is as natural to supply to have his letters patent for making punch his weak brain with powder at the nearest superseded, be debarred wearing his muff next place of access, viz. the nostrils. This is so winter, or ever coming to London without his evident, that nature suggests the use according wife. It may perhaps be thought, I have dwelt to the indigence of the persons who take this too long upon the affairs of this operator; but medicine, without being prepossessed with the I desire the reader to remember, that it is my force of fashion or custom. For example; the way to consider men as they stand in merit, native Hibernians, who are reckoned not much and not according to their fortune or figure; unlike the ancient Boeotians, take this specific and if he is in a coffee-house at the reading for emptiness in the head, in greater abundance bereof, let him look round, and he will find, than any other nation under the sun. The there may be more characters drawn in this learned Sotus, as sparing as he is in his words, account than that of Don Saltero; for half the would be still more silent if it were not for this politicians about him, he may observe, are by powder. their place in nature, of the class of toothdrawers. Grecian Coffee-house, June 28. THERE is a babit or custom which I have put my patience to the utmost stretch to have suffered so long, because several of my intimate friends are in the guilt; and that is, the humour of taking snuff, and looking dirty about the mouth by way of ornament. My method is, to dive to the bottom of a sore before I pretend to apply a remedy. For this reason, I sat by an eminent story-teller and politician, who takes half an ounce in five seconds, and has mortgaged a pretty tenement near the town, merely to improve and dung his brains with this prolific powder. I observed this gentleman, the other day, in the midst of story, diverted from it by looking at something at a distance, and I softly hid his box. But he returns to his tale, and, looking for his box, he cries,' And so, sir-' Then, when he should have taken a pinch, As I was saying says he, has nobody seen my box?' His friend be However low and poor the taking of snuff argues a man to be in his own stock of thoughts, or means to employ his brains and his fingers; yet there is a poorer creature in the world than he, and this is a borrower of snuff; a fellow that keeps no box of his own, but always asking others for a pinch. Such poor rogues put me always in mind of a common phrase among school-boys when they are composing their exercise, who run to an upper scholar, and cry, Pray give me a little sense.' But of all things commend me to the ladies who are got into this pretty help to discourse. I have been these three years persuading Sagissa* to leave it off; but she talks so much, and is so learned, that she is above contradiction. However, an accident the other day brought that about, which my eloquence could low in her closet, who ran thither to avoid some never accomplish. She had a very Pretty Felcompany that came to visit her: she made an excuse to go in to him for some implement they were talking of. Her eager gallant snatched a kiss; but, being unused to snuff, some grains from off her upper lip made him sneeze aloud, which alarmed the visitants, and has made a discovery, that profound reading, very much intelligence, and a general knowledge of who and who are together, cannot fill her vacant hours so much, but she is sometimes obliged to descend to entertainments less intellectual. White's Chocolate-house, June 29. I know no manner of news from this place, but that Cynthio, having been long in despair for the inexorable Clarissa, lately resolved to fall in love with the good old way of bargain and sale, and has pitched upon a very agreeable young woman. He will undoubtedly succeed; for he accosts her in a strain of familiarity, without breaking through the deference that is due to a woman whom a man would choose for his life. I have hardly ever heard rough truth spoken with a better grace than in this his letter. • MADAM, obedient, and most faithful humble servant, &c.' Will's Coffee-house, June 29. Having taken a resolution, when plays are acted next winter by an entire good company, to publish observations from time to time on the performance of the actors, I think it but just to give an abstract of the laws of action, for the help of the less learned part of the audience, that they may rationally enjoy so refined and instructive a pleasure as a just representation of human life. The great errors in playing are admirably well exposed in Hamlet's directions to the actors who are to play in his supposed tragedy; by which we shall form our future judgments on their behaviour, and for that reason you have the discourse as follows: : Speak the speech, I pray you, as I pronoune'd it to you, trippingly on the tongue : but if you mouth it, as many of our players do, I had as lieve the town-crier spoke my lines. Nor do not saw the air too much with your hand, thus; but use all gently for in the very torrent, tempest, and (as I may say) whirlwind of your passion, you must acquire and beget a temperance, that may give it smoothness. O, it offends me to the soul, to hear a robustious perriwig-pated fellow tear a passion to tatters, to very rags, to split the ears of the groundlings; who, for the most part, are ca 'I writ to you on Saturday by Mrs. Lucy, and give you this trouble to urge the same request I made then, which was, that I may be permitted to wait upon you. I should be very far from desiring this, if it was a transgression of the most severe rules to allow it: I know you are very much above the little arts which are frequent in your sex, of giving un-pable of nothing but inexplicable dumb shows, necessary torments to their admirers; therefore hope you will do so much justice to the generous passion I have for you, as to let me have an opportunity of acquainting you upon what motives I pretend to your good opinion. I shall not trouble you with my sentiments until I know how they will be received; and as I know no reason why difference of sex should make our language to each other differ from the ordinary rules of right reason, I shall affect plainness and sincerity in my discourse to you, as much as other lovers do perplexity and rapture. Instead of saying, I shall die for you, I profess, I should be glad to lead my life with you: you are as beautiful, as witty, as prudent, and as good-humoured as any woman breathing; but I must confess to you, I regard all these excellencies as you will please to direct them for my happiness or misery. With me, madam, the only lasting motive to love is the hope of its becoming mutual. I beg of you to let Mrs. Lucy send me word when I may attend you. I promise you I will talk of nothing but indifferent things; though, at the same time, I know not how I shall approach you in the tender moment of first seeing you, after this declaration of, madam, your most ⚫ Lord Hinchinbroke married lady Elizabeth Popham, only daughter of Alexander Popham, esquire, of Littlecote, in Wiltshire. and noise; I would have such a fellow whipp'd for o'er doing Termagant; it out-herods Herod : pray you, avoid it. Be not too tame neither, but let your own discretion be your tutor: suit the action to the word, the word to the action; with this special observance, that you o'erstep not the modesty of nature: for any thing so overdone is from the purpose of playing, whose end, both at the first, and now, was, and is, to hold, as 'twere, the mirror up to nature; to show virtue her own feature, seorn her own image, and the very age and body of the time his form and pressure. Now this, overdone, or come tardy off, though it make the unskilful laugh, cannot but make the judicious grieve; the censure of which one, must, in your allowance, o'erweigh a whole theatre of others. O, there he players, that I have seen play,-and beard others praise, and that highly-not to speak it profanely, that, neither having the accent of Christians, nor the gait of Christian, pagan, nor man, have so strutted and bellow'd, that I have thought some of nature's journeymen had made men, and not made them well, they imitated humanity so abominably. This should be reformed altogether. And let those that play your clowns, speak no more than is set down for them: for there be of them, that will themselves laugh, to set on some quantity of barren spectators to laugh too; though in the mean time, some necessary question of the play be then to be considered; that's villanous, and shews a most pitiful ambition in the fool that uses it.' From my own Apartment, June 29. It would be a very great obligation, and an assistance to my treatise upon punning, if any one would please to inform me in what class among the learned, who play with words, to place the author of the following letter. 'SIR, of Tournay, to make up the rein Quicquid agunt homines ―nostri est farrago libelli. Juv. Sat. i. 85, 86. Whate'er men do, or say, or think, or dream, Our motley paper seizes for its theme. P. 'Not long since you were pleased to give us a chimerical account of the famous family of the Staffs, from whence I suppose you would insinuate, that it is the most ancient and numerous house in all Europe. But I positively deny that it is either, and wonder much at your audacious proceedings in this manner, since it is well known, that our most illustrious, No. 36.] Saturday, July 2, 1709. most renowned, and most celebrated Roman family of Ix has enjoyed the precedency to all others, from the reign of good old Saturn. I could say much to the defamation and disgrace of your family; as, that your relations Distaff and Broomstaff were both inconsiderable mean persons, one spinning, the other sweeping the From my own Apartment, June 30. streets, for their daily bread. But I forbear MANY affairs calling my brother into the to vent my spleen on objects so much beneath my indignation. I shall only give the world country, the care of our intelligence with the town is left to me for some time; therefore a catalogue of my ancestors, and leave them to determine which hath hitherto had, and you must expect the advices you meet with in which for the future ought to have, the pre-naturally fall under the consideration of our paper, to be such as more immediately and ference. BY MRS. JENNY DISTAFF, HALF-SISTER TO this sex. First then comes the most famous and popuHistory, therefore, written by a woman, lar lady Meretrix, parent of the fertile family its forms, both in the abuse of, and obedience you will easily imagine to consist of love in all of Bellatrix, Famulatrix, Nutrix, Obstetrix, to that passion. As to the faculty of writing Lotrix, Netrix, Coctrix, Ornatrix, Sarcinatrix, Fextrix, Balneatrix, Portatrix, Saltatrix, Divi- itself, it will not, it is hoped, be demanded that natrix, Conjectrix, Comtrix, Debitrix, Credi-style and ornament shall be so much consulted, trix, Donatrix, Ambulatrix, Mercatrix, Adsectrix, Assectatrix, Palpatrix, Præceptrix, Pistrix. as truth and simplicity; which latter qualities we may more justly pretend to beyond the other sex. While, therefore, the administration of our affairs is in my hands, you shall from time to time have an exact account of all false lovers, and their shallow pretences for breaking off; of all termagant wives who make wedlock a yoke; of men who affect the entertainments and manners suitable only to our sex, and women who pretend to the conduct of such affairs as are only within the province of men. St. James's Coffee-house, June 17. Letters from Brussels of the second of July, N. S. say, that the duke of Marlborough and prince Eugene, having received advice that the marshal Villars had drawn a considerable body out of the garrison of Tournay, to reinforce bis army, marched towards that place, and came before it early in the morning of the twenty-seventh. As soon as they came into that ground, the prince of Nassau was sent with a strong detachment to take post at St. Amand; and at the same time my lord Orkney received orders to possess himself of Mortagne; both which were successfully executed; whereby we were masters of the Scheld and Scarp. Eight men were drawn out of each troop of generally consisted more of people in health, than of per dragoons and company of foot in the garrison It is necessary further to advertise the reader, that the usual places of resort being utterly out of my province or observation, I shall be obliged frequently to change the dates of places, as occurrences come into my way. The following letter I lately received from Epsom.* * About this time Epsom was a place pretty much re sorted to in the summer season; but the company there sons who had any real want of its mineral waters. supple beseeching gesture. "My dear!" said he "Tell me no dears!" replied Autumn, 'Epsom, June 28. 'It is now almost three weeks since what in the presence of the governor and all the you writ about happened in this place: The merchants--"What will the world say of a quarrel between my friends did not run so high as I find your accounts have made it. The truth of the fact you shall have very faithfully. You are to understand, that the persons concerned in this scene were lady Autumn, and lady Springly Autumn is a person of good breeding, formality, and a singular way practised in the last age; and lady Springly a modern impertinent of our sex, who affects as improper a familiarity, as the other does distance. Lady Autumn knows to a hair's breadth where her place is in all assemblies and conversations; but Springly neither gives nor takes place of any body, but understands the place to signify no more, than to have room enough to be at ease wherever she comes. Thus, while Autumn takes the whole of this life to consist in understanding punctilio and decorum, Springly takes every thing to be becoming, which contributes to her ease and satisfaction. These heroines have married two brothers, both knights. Springly is the spouse of the elder, who is a baronet; and Autumn, being a rich widow, has taken the younger, and her purse endowed him with an equal fortune, and knighthood of the same order. This jumble of titles, you need not doubt, has been an aching torment to Autumn, who took place of the other on no pretence, but her carelessness and disregard of distinction. The secret occasion of envy broiled long in the breast of Autumn; but no opportunity of contention on that subject happening, kept all things quiet until the accident of which you demand an account. It was given out among all the gay people of this place, that on the ninth instant several damsels, swift of foot, were to run for a suit of head-cloaths at the Old Wells. Lady Autumn on this occasion invited Springly to go with her in her coach to see the race. When they came to the place, where the governor of Epsom and all his court of citizens were assembled, as well as a crowd of people of all orders, a brisk young fellow addresses himself to the younger of the ladies, viz. Springly, and offers her his service to conduct her into the music-room. Springly accepts the compliment, and is led triumphantly through a bowing crowd, while Autumn is left among the rabble, and has much ado to get back into her coach; but she did it at last and as it is usual to see by the horses my lady's present disposition, she orders John to whip furiously home to her husband; where, when she enters, down she sits, began to unpin her hood, and lament her foolish fond heart, to marry into a family where she was so little regarded; she that might――. Here she stops; then rises up, and stamps and sits down again. Her gente knight made his approach with a woman that has thrown herself away at this rate?" Sir Thomas withdrew, and knew it would not be long a secret to him; as well as that experience told him, he that marries a fortune is of course guilty of all faults against his wife, let them be committed by whom they will. But Springly, an hour or two after, returns from the Wells, and finds the whole company together. Down she sat, and a profound silence ensued. You know a premeditated quarrel usually begins, and works up with the words some people. The silence was broken by lady Autumn, who began to say, There are some people who fancy, that if some people❞— Springly immediately takes her up, “There are some people who fancy, if other people”— Autumn repartees, People may give themselves airs; but other people, perhaps, who make less ado, may be, perhaps, as agreeable as people who set themselves out more." All the other people at the table sát mute, while these two people, who were quarrelling, went on with the use of the word people, instancing the very accidents between them, as if they kept only in distant hints. Therefore, says Autumn, reddening, "There are some people will go abroad in other people's coaches, and leave those with whom they went to shift for themselves: and if, perhaps, those people have married the younger brother; yet, perhaps, he may be beholden to those people for what he is. Springly smartly answers," People may bring so much ill-humour into a family, as people may repent their receiving their money," and goes on ——— Every body is not considerable enough to give her uneasiness." Upon this Autumn comes up to her, and desired her to kiss her, and never to see her again; which her sister refusing, my lady gave her a box on the ear.- -Springly returns; Ay, ay, said she, I knew well enough you meant me by your some people ;" and gives another on the other side. To it they went with most masculine fury; each husband ran in. The wives immediately fell upon their husbands, and tore perriwigs and cravats, the company interposed, when (according to the slip-knot of matrimony, which makes them return to one another when any put in between) the ladies and their husbands fell upon all the rest of the company; and, having beat all their friends and relations out of the house, came to themselves time enough to know, there was no bearing the jest of the place after these adventures, and therefore marched off the next day. It is said, the governor has sent several joints of mutton, and has proposed divers dishes very exquisitely dressed, to bring them down again. From his address and knowledge in roast and boiled, all our hopes of the return of this good company | what contradictions'nature is pleased to form depend. I am, dear Jenny, name. Your ready friend and servant. in the same species. Here am I, able to eat, to drink, to sleep, and to do all acts of nature, except begetting my like; and yet, by an unintelligible force of spleen and fancy, I every moment imagine I am dying. It is utter madness in thee to provide for supper; for I will bet you ten to one, you do not live until half an hour after four; and yet I am so distracted as to be in fear every moment, though I will lay ten to three, I drink three pints of burnt claret at your funeral three nights hence. After all, I envy thee; thou who, dying, hast no sense of death, art happier than one in health, who always fears it.' The knight had gone on, but that a third man ended the scene, by applaud White's Chocolate-house, June 30. This day appeared here a figure of a person, whose services to the fair sex have reduced him to a kind of existence for which there is no If there be a condition between life and death, without being absolutely dead or living, his state is that. His aspect and complexion, in his robust days, gave him the illustrious title of Africanus: but it is not only from the warm climates in which he has served, nor from the disasters which he has suffered, that he deserves the same appellation with thating the knight's eloquence and philosophy, in renowned Roman; but the magnanimity with a laughter too violent for his own constitution, which he appears in his last moments, is what as much as he mocked that of Africanus and gives him the undoubted character of hero. Monoculus. Cato stabbed himself, and Hannibal drank poison; but our Africanus lives in the continual puncture of aching bones and poisoned juices. The old heroes fled from torments, by death; and this modern lives in death and torments, with an heart wholly bent upon a supply for remaining in them. An ordinary spirit would sink under his oppressions, but he makes an advantage of his very sorrow, and raises an income from his diseases. Long has this worthy been conversant in bartering and knows that when stocks are lowest, it is the time to buy. Therefore, with much prudence and tranquillity, he thinks, that now, he has not a bone sound, but a thousand nodous parts for which the anatomists have not words, and more diseases than the college ever heard of, it is the only time to purchase an annuity for life. Sir Thomas told me, it was an entertainment more surprising and pleasant than can be imagined, to see an inhabitant of neither world, without hand to lift, or leg to move, scarce tongue to utter his meaning, so keen upon biting the whole world, and making bubbles at his exit. Sir Thomas added, that he would have bought twelve shillings a-year of him, but that he feared there was some trick in it, and believed him already dead. 'What,' says the knight, 'is Mr. Partridge whom I met just now going on both his legs firmer than I can, allowed to be quite dead; and shall Africanus, without one limb that can do its office, be pronounced alive?' What heightened the tragi-comedy of this market for annuities was, that the observation of it provoked Monoculus (who is the most eloquent of all men) to many excellent reflections, which he spoke with the vehemence and language both of a gamester and an orator. 'When I cast,' said that delightful speaker, 'my eye upon thee, thou unaccountable Africanus, I cannot but call myself as unaccountable as thou art; for certainly we were born to show St. James's Coffee-house, July 1. This day arrived here three mails from Hol land, with advices relating to the affairs of the Low-Countries, which say, that the confederate army extends from Louchin, on the causeway between Tournay and Lisle, to Epain, near Mortagne on the Scheld. The marshal Villars remains in his camp at Lens; but it is said, mand of the chevalier de Luxemburg, with he detached ten thousand men under the combetween Conde and St. Guillain, where he is orders to form a camp at Crepin on the Haine, to be joined by the elector of Bavaria with a body of troops, and after their conjunction, to attempt to march into Brabant. But they write from Brussels, that the duke of Marlbo rough having it equally in his power to make detachments to the same parts, they are under no apprehensions from these reports for the safety of their country. They further add from Brussels, that they have good authority for beduct of the marshal de Bezons are retiring out lieving that the French troops under the conof Spain. No. 37.] Tuesday, July 5, 1709. Quicquid agunt homines P. nostri est farrago libelli. Juv. Sat. i. 85, 86. White's Chocolate-house, July 2. IT may be thought very unaccountable, that I, who can never be supposed to go to White's, should pretend to talk to you of matters proper for, or in the style of that place. But though I never visit these public haunts, I converse with those who do; and for all they pretend so much to the contrary, they are as talkative as our sex, and as much at a loss to entertain the present company, without sacrificing the last |