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Two gentlemen their appetite had fed,

When opening his toothpick-case, one said,

"It was not until lately that I knew That anchovies on terrâ firmâ grew."

W. B. WAKE.

"Grow!” cried the other, "yes, they grow, indeed, Like other fish, but not upon the land;

You might as well say grapes grow on a reed,

Or in the Strand!"

“Why, sir,” returned the irritated other,

"My brother,

When at Calcutta

Beheld them bonâ fide growing;

He wouldn't utter

A lie for love or money, sir; so in

This matter you are thoroughly mistaken." "Nonsense, sir! nonsense! I can give no credit

To the assertion-none e'er saw or read it;

Your brother, like his evidence, should be shaken."

"Be shaken, sir! let me observe, you are

Perverse-in short-"

"Sir," said the other, sucking his cigar, And then his port

"If you will say impossibles are true,

You may affirm just anything you please

That swans are quadrupeds, and lions blue,
And elephants inhabit Stilton cheese!
Only you must not force me to believe
What's propagated merely to deceive."

"Then you force me to say, sir, you're a fool,"
Returned the bragger.

Language like this no man can suffer cool:
It made the listener stagger;

So, thunder-stricken, he at once replied,
"The traveller lied

Who had the impudence to tell it you ;"

face

"Zounds! then d'ye mean to swear before my That anchovies don't grow like cloves and mace?"

"I do!"

Disputants often after hot debates

Leave the contention as they found it-bone, And take to duelling or thumping têtes;

Thinking by strength of artery to atone

For strength of argument; and he who winces From force of words, with force of arms convinces !

With pistols, powder, bullets, surgeons, lint,

Seconds, and smelling-bottles, and foreboding,
Our friends advanced; and now portentous loading
(Their hearts already loaded) served to show
It might be better they shook hands--but no;
When each opines himself, though frightened, right,
Each is, in courtesy, obliged to fight!

And they did fight: from six full measured paces
The unbeliever pulled his trigger first;
And fearing, from the braggart's ugly faces,
The whizzing lead had whizzed its very worst,

Ran up, and with a duelistic fear

(His ire evanishing like morning vapors), Found him possessed of one remaining ear, Who in a manner sudden and uncouth,

Had given, not lent, the other ear to truth;
For while the surgeon was applying lint,
He, wriggling, cried- The deuce is in't--
Sir! I meant-CAPERS!"

39*

AN ECHO.

NEVER sleeping, still awake,

Pleasing most when most I speak;
The delight of old and young,
Though I speak without a tongue.
Nought but one thing can confound me,
Many voices joining round me ;
Then I fret, and rave, and gabble,

Like the laborers of Babel.

Now I am a dog, or cow,
I can bark, or I can low;
I can bleat, or I can sing,
Like the warblers of the spring.
Let the love-sick bard complain,
And I mourn the cruel pain;
Let the happy swain rejoice,
And I join my helping voice:
Both are welcome, grief or joy,
I with either sport and toy.
Though a lady, I am stout,

Drums and trumpets bring me out:
Then I clash, and roar, and rattle,

Join in all the din of battle.

Jove, with all his loudest thunder,
When I'm vexed can't keep me under;

Yet so tender is my ear,

That the lowest voice I fear;

Much I dread the courtier's fate,

When his merit's out of date,

For I hate a silent breath,
And a whisper is my death.

ANONYMOUS.

ON FACTOTUM NED.

HERE lies Factotum Ned at last:
Long as he breathed the vital air,
Nothing throughout all Europe passed
In which he hadn't some small share.

Whoe'er was in, whoe'er was out

Whatever statesmen did or said

THOMAS MOORE.

If not exactly brought about,

Was all, at least, contrived by Ned.

With Nap if Russia went to war,

'Twas owing, under Providence, To certain hints Ned gave the Czar(Vide his pamphlet-price six pence).

If France was beat at Waterloo

As all, but Frenchmen, think she wasTo Ned, as Wellington well knew,

Was owing half that day's applause.

Then for his news-no envoy's bag

E'er passed so many secrets through it— Scarcely a telegraph could wag

Its wooden finger, but Ned knew it.

Such tales he had of foreign plots,

With foreign names one's ear to buzz inFrom Russia chefs and ofs in lots,

From Poland owskis by the dozen.

When George, alarmed for England's creed,
Turned out the last Whig ministry,
And men asked-who advised the deed?
Ned modestly confessed 'twas he.

For though, by some unlucky miss,

He had not downright seen the King, He sent such hints through Viscount This, To Marquis That, as clenched the thing.

The same it was in science, arts,

The drama, books, MS. and printedKean learned from Ned his cleverest parts, And Scott's last work by him was hinted.

Childe Harold in the proofs he read,

And, here and there, infused some soul in' Nay, Davy's lamp, till seen by Ned,

Had-odd enough-a dangerous hole in't.

'Twas thus, all doing and all knowing,

Wit, statesman, boxer, chemist, singer,

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