THIRD LETTER FROM MR. DASHAWAY. 165 emulative rivalry of the famous modern prophetess Joanna Southcote!) and that, instead of preaching sackcloth and abstinence, they openly declare for the utility of services of plate-changes of carriages-three cooks-nine men servants-and a cabinet of dressjewels. I NON-ARIUS. THIRD LETTER FROM MR. DASHAWAY. MY STAUNCH HARIER OF HELICON, JUST pull up in my way to the Spring Meetings, to say a word or two to you about law: I like law; I studied it at Oxford: Law's a fine goer and a rare continuer ;-it's like the long odds all the world to an egg-shell! My solicitor I call my slice-eater, for, egad! I cram him with slices of parchment, writs, appearances, post-obits, annuities, bills, bonds, judg ments, ca sa's, fi fa's, writs of error, demurrers, appeals, and a whole pack besides! Why, I keep Counsellor Pumpsnuffle in pay all the year round:-does all my mag work by the quarter:Westminster Hall, sessions, or assizes, all's one to him.-Knows every inch of the course; takes all the doubles :- -a famous sound winded hackney!-talks four hours together without drawing bit:-squeaks and grunts like a wake pig with a soaped tail !inakes all the play, and then brings me off by a flaw of a wrong spelling, or a great A that stands on its bead, as he makes all his hearers do! Then spank away drives I, like a winner, in high triumphant procession: Sam Surcingle (my training groom) sitting by me in the phaeton, with my six greys (postilionized) against all England!-Sam's a great genius; knows all the odds-a spirity fellow ;bottle-holder at half the great matches;-a fine calculator; always hedged;-bas secured a snug corner in the state van when he takes up-knows the right lady; lady; make him a parson or a commissary at any time! Then comes Counsellor Pumpsnuffle in the family coach, with little Sal Tiffany:-Sal's a high one ;— runs up a milliner's bill faster than any girl in Europe: -fine education:-flies a table and clears the glasses, at a Parisol spring!-Father was a professional man: -kept the dancing repository in Covent Garden:Sal learnt French at the Chelsea school, where they pay a six-foot sergeant to drill the scholars, and a waiter from Brookes's, to teach them whist on Sundays-finished education!-Well, spank away we bang it; bells ringing, dogs barking, whips cracking, horses, grooms, drivers, out-rider, self, dogs and all, with blue and orange cockades:-they're your true legal colours, because both sides look blue at the attorney's d-d bills!As for little Pumps, he never asks me for money, not he as nimble a little black sweep-clear, as ever danced on a Monday!-He only brings me a parchment or two, with a whacking seal, now and then to sign, which he says is for security: so, I suppose, it's all for the good of my estate! Since his management I've a much clearer view of it, than I used to have:-grazing for ever say I; d-n all impediments,--down with the timbers :--Fat cattle's the uppy now, old Split-Latin!-Here goes for the prizes:-Flocks for ever!-why, six swabby sheep may yet set me to rights, if I and Sam place the bets knowingly!-Down with the timber, say I:-I'm a true patriot;-I send the wooden walls to sea, and I'll see after the ready they raise, I warrant ye! Down with the timber:--I'll have a tumble, not a fall! I'm for a clear open prospect:-Agriculture's the thing:-corn land pays for all-who's afraid? -Wheat will be at 40%. and hops at 20l.: rents rising, and money plenty, on mortgage or annuity, of Abraham, Isaac, and Jacob, and all the tribes of Israel! Now having run a pretty good heat, I defer the rest to 1 FOURTH LETTER FROM MR. DASHAWAY. 167 to "the next opportunity," as old Musty, my tutor, used to twang it; and so, ** Yours, my tight one, DICKY DASHAWAY. Roary Hall, Turf Common, FOURTH LETTER FROM MR. DASHAWAY. HE ERE am I again!-six to four-five to two-three to one-all wrong! Blue jockies, red jockies; black jockies; all bribed, all bubbled, all thrown out; -and the knowing ones all pigeoned !-That's my story; but for all that I am a loyalist to the back bone! May there be King's plates to run for "to the last syllable of recorded time!" as some old quiz says. Why, it is to monarchy that the whole squad of Dashaways owe their honours and possessions for these six centuries, although they have regularly contrived to kick down. their chance at every third generation! Why, the Dashaways came in by shoals with William the Conqueror, all sharp-set and bank-ribbed animals; and one my progenitors, Sir Firebrand Dashaway, was the staunchest hound in the Dasher pack! However, it will be far enough for me to grub up that old bramble, the pedigree-tree, from the time of Henry VIII. where I find an ancestor, one Baron Dashbold, who, being brought up in the persuasion that Pope Clement VII. was a better man than Twenty-stone Harry, by refusing to join the Reformation, (as he called churchrummaging!) incurred the forfeiture of his estate, which was all Dicky! His son, perceiving his father's error, burnt his mass-book, and obtained some reinstatement, under boy Edward; but the run of that terrible old spavin, Smithfield Mary, soon following, he directly found he had made his recantation at at a wrong double, his farther progress became soonDicky! His brother and successor, resolving_to stick to the strongest side, roared Avé Marias and Paternosters, to the highest of the rubric, and which he not lowering at the command of bouncing Queen Bess, -the family lands were again-Dicky! In the days of Scotch Jamie, the living representative of our family got into court favour, and the odds were that a peerage would again dash a pair of sprawlers upon the family arms; but not having complaisance or cunning enough to allow that monarch to be a conjuror, and by disputing with his master some matches of astrology and demonology, (his favourite studies!) he at once lost the royal saddle, and all his hopes wereDicky! And so, for the present, my Bridge Street cut and thrust, bidding you look sharp for my next, I remain, Yours, full drive, DICKY DASHAWAY. Roary Hall, Turf Common, April 1st.-My Birthday! BY WANTED, Y the editors of London and provincial papers, a large quantity of ready-made news, for the ensuing summer, both foreign and domestic, in which improbability and want of common sense will be no objection; among which there must be several furious battles between the French and Austrians, with the defeat of both, to use occasionally.-Also an able deathmaker, who has served his time in an apology manufactory. Also a strong hand in the marvellous way. Changes in the Ministry and insurrections in France are still bought at the price of old white rags. Poetry addressed to all public characters who may die, marry, or hang, APRIL FOOL DAY. 169 hang, during the long vacation, also taken in by weight, as mixed rags! An East and West India correspondent, never out of London, may hear of constant employ. Address, QUIDDITY QUIZ, Esq. Humbug Row. APRIL FOOL DAY. BY A BATH SHOPKEEPER. GOT up early-leaving wife in bed-Flung the watchman a shilling to rap and cry Fire!-Wife started up in a fright, and running to the dining-room window, overthrew and broke the best tea china! Ten o'clock; sent a letter to Plume the undertaker, by a stranger, telling him that he was wanted in his vocation in Pulteney Street, where Lord B had died last night; saw him and his man turned out of doors there. Sent cards to all our Thursday's Club to dine at Dr. 's, and invited the Doctor to dine with his friend Sir in the Circus. Noon: Received an order for a quantity of goods from Bradford:-sent off the messenger in a hurry! N. B. Old birds not easily caught! Three o'clock: Afraid wife would return me some trick at dinner-time, so went for a veal cutlet, at Temple's: Chalked the waiter's back as he counted out the change, and took two bad shillings and, one sixpence! Asked an old woman in Westgate Street what was the matter with her hat-ran off laughing-but I found I had dropped a new pair of gloves! Tapped a blue-boy on the shoulder, and asked what he had got behind him; he answered, A fool; and the people all laughed at this;-I did not see much in it! -Sent wife in the afternoon on a sham invitation to her aunt at Bristol:-Found the spare bed occupied, and, sleeping at an inn, spent me near a guinea in all! VOL. XIII. I Gave |