Had I not feen and converfed with Mifs E. a few days before her death, I had been lefs afflicted at it. Yet my journey home was unexpected, and made in fpite of many difficulties. I did fee and converfe with her, and found her faithful to me. circumstances augmented my forrow.

Thefe

Had I continued at home and been prefent at her death, the affliction would have entirely overpowered me, the books that I have mentioned would have excited in me no curiosity to read them, neither fhould I have been capable of it.

Had I travelled into the country as I intended, the forrow that urged me to read, meditate and pray, would probably soon have loft much of its emphasis.

Had my grief been more intense than it was, it had become downright defperation; and had it been lefs intenfe, my ordinary ftudies, various amufements, and converfation with my friends, would have delivered me in a fhort time from the greater part of it.

Wonderful therefore were the means by which I was impelled to the purchase of the books I have mentioned, the notice of which books reached me alfo by accident exactly in that crifis.

But more wonderful ftill it feems, that it fhould have pleased God, whofe thoughts are not as our thoughts, who is great and we comprehend him not, to give me the light of his own Spirit, to fnatch me from the kingdom of Satan, and tranflate me into his own glorious kingdom, while I was reading a book which, under a christian title, contains much unchristian matter, and in which the divinity and fatisfaction of Chrift are both controverted! This was unquestionably an extraordinary measure. Thefe beginnings

of my regeneration differ in truth widely from the experience of moft. Oh what abundant matter have I of continual admiration, adoration, and thankful obedience! But alas, how little do I render in return for the unspeakable obligation! Help me, my friend! to praife God in the highest, and to celebrate his grace and glory.

My heart had undergone a great change, and it manifested itfelf clearly in my manners and practice.

My pride and inordinate ambition were much lowered; I could no longer juftify or cherish the leaft degree of hatred or malice again ft any; in many refpects I faw plainly the emptiness of all human things, the trivial value of all earthly good, and the excellence of virtue and piety. My heart now expanded itself for the reception of invifible things-things mentally perceived, and I burned with an infatiable defire of knowing and enjoying God. Yet with all this I remember to have entertained certain ideas and machinations of heart, fuch as prove that at this very time, though there were numerous earthly objects about which I felt no folicitude, there were nevertheless many to which I ftill cleaved clofely, fo as even to imagine the enjoyment of them defirable in the highest degree, and that I could not be happy without them; for which reafons I inceffantly prayed to God for them.

2 H 2

Among

Among other things, my empty ambition which had formerly accounted nothing too great to be enterprized for my own glory, though it was much weakened, was evidently not yet extirpated. I fometimes gave myself with much application, to mathematical and other ftudies, none of which promifed to prove at all fubfervient to my principal purpose, which was to advance myself in the fpiritual life, and to acquire knowledge and gifts suited to the work of the miniftry. Without the least serious deliberation or concern, I did many things for which I now cannot imagine it poffible that I could have any other motive, than merely to acquire the praife and the applaufe of men. My heart was extremely fenfible to the allurements of human glory, and to the eulogies of the learned; and alas! I would that it were not proper for me to add fuch it is ftill-though at prefent I dare not venture on fuch means of acquiring them, as at that time I em. ployed without fcruple.

In the mean time I ftudied divinity closely, and with better effect than before. Not many days after my converfion, I began to keep a journal of all my doings and experiences. Part of it is loft, and was loft foon after I began the practice, and being obliged to quit U.... fuddenly, for fome time I difcontinued it.

I now attended the public ordinances with great fervour and delight, and was favoured in them frequently with a fingular sense of God's gracious prefence, with much confolation, and with en, couragements to the exercife of all virtue. I now never left the church before the fervice was ended, though fometimes I was obliged to ftand during the whole of it; willingly fubmitting to any inconvenience fo that I might but hear, and understand the formon.

Every morning and evening I made my fupplication to God, and gave thanks for his benefits conferred on me; and was often excited at other feafons alfo, by overflowing affections and pious fentiments, to lift my heart to God and to pour it out in prayer before him. I bound myself to no certain form, but prefented to God the defires of my heart, and my afpirations of gratitude, in the order in which they occurred and were excited in me. Frequently on thefe occafions I had the deepest fenfible experience and proof, that it was good for me to draw nigh unto God. I now began to read the Scripture diligently, and in a manner far different from that to which I had been accuftomed; enjoying not feldom while I read it, the most delightful and precious confolations. At the fame time, I continued to read the tract abovementioned on natural and revealed religion. I read also Walker's fermons, and Blair's, not without profit and a fenfe of the divine bleffing. While I was occupied in reading and confidering the truths of God, even my body would be remarkably affected by the affections, and enjoyments of my mind. My bofom feemed dilated as with the warmth of a gentle fire, which diffufed through my whole frame the most agreeable fenfations. In truth, there

was

was a wonderful intercourse between foul and body. As often as in the Scripture, or in the books that I have named, I found mention made of Jefus and meditated on him, on his life, his fufferings, and his righteousness, or on the privilege of union with him, I perceived my mind affected with fenfible confolation and delight; yet was it not illuminated on these subjects, but rather much beclouded.

By turns I reprefented him to myself as mere man in the first inftance, then deified by turns, as one created before the foundations of the world were laid, and the most excellent of all creatures; and, by turns, as a divine perfon. Thus was I every day drawn to a different opinion of him. Sometimes I confidered his fufferings and death as a true and proper atonement of fin. Then, fuddenly it would appear to me most probable that Jefus was merely a teacher and exemplar of virtue, and that he died only to confirm the truth of his heavenly doctrine. I remember occafionally to have felt a lively fenfe of gratitude accompanying the contemplation of his free love, and of that self-denying fpirit in which he defcended from heaven to earth, voluntarily expofing himself to fuch mifery, to fo many and great fufferings. and to a death fo dreadful, that he might inftru&t mankind and lead them to true holiness; regardless at what expence it were effected, fo that he might but fave them eternally.

With respect to myself indeed, I understood feelingly and acknowledged, my unworthinefs and the ingratitude of my heart and life, who had defpifed and purfued with hoftility the most glorious and lovely of all Beings, whofe majefty is proclaimed by all his creatures. Yet with many evils of my heart I was not yet duly acquainted, neither knew I my own natural depravity, my enmity againft God, and my perfect infufficiency for all fpiritual good. These doubts of mine would at times affect me with an anxious folicitude, and the more, because I was in a state of preparation for the miniftry. I was attached however to no party. The grace of God held me indifferent on which fide truth lay, fo that I might but find it; and my refolution was moft firmly taken to believe the truth in whatfoever form it might appear to me. I humbly implored God to teach me the truth, confiding in his promises and pleading them fervently before him. I prayed to Jefus alfo, that he would himself inftruct me, how I ought to think of his perfon, and the work that he had accomplished. Truth was my chief defire. I diftrufted my own understanding. To God I applied for illumination and wifdom, determining without hesitation, to attach myself immoveably to the Truth when once known, and to profefs it openly. God, by his effectual grace, made me ready to renounce all confiderations of prefent intereft, and to encounter, I cared not what evils, for his truth's fake, and for the glory of his name. Accordingly, after a few weeks, as I fhall prefently relate, I was taught by fure experience that it is not in vain to afk of God wildom, but

that

that he will direct our goings, if we acknowledge him in all our

ways.

In the mean time, I experienced none of thofe terrors and doubts with which the faithful are ufually tormented in the beginning of their converfion, and which ceafe not till they have acquired, a more fpiritual acquaintance with Chrift, and are fenfible that they cleave to him, and are united with him. I never for a moment trembled at the wrath of God, or had any anxious thoughts of condemnation and eternal mifery. I never doubted one moment of my being made partaker of the grace of God, an heir of everlasting falvation, that I was regenerated by a divine power, and that the principle of a fpiritual life was imparted to me. I well knew indeed that I was unworthy of the grace and favour of God, yet could by no means queftion my intereft in them, while God continually fhowed to me a countenance of paternal kindness and affection, overwhelming my foul with de light, and with the fweereft fenfe of his gracious prefence, as often as I employed myself in adoring him, and in contemplating and admiring the grandeur of his works. I lamented my fins and felt a fincere forrow on their account, but it was fo tempered by a lively fenfe of the divine prefence and favour, that it was pleasant, if I may be allowed to fay fo, to mourn as I did. I knew with unquestionable certainty, by infallible feeling and experience, that I had attained to the favour of God, and to communion with him, and that I had been raised to newness of life; and I knew likewife, that I was altogether unworthy of thole benefits. But how, and in what way, or on what ground fuch great falvation had been procured for me and afforded to me, I was as yet perfectly ignorant. In my divinity-ftudies I had indeed acquired fome knowledge of Jefus, of his fatisfaction, work and offices, yet befide that I not unfrequently called thefe moft important truths refpe&ing him into queftion, the knowledge I had of them, fuch as it was, was merely fuperficial, natural, human. A fpiritual apprehenfion of them was what I wanted; and had it pleafed God to with-hold from me thofe fenfible confolations, to deprive me of a sense of his gracious prefence, and to hide his face from me, without all question, I had alfo had my terrors, my anguish, and my doubts, having no truly fpiritual views of Jefus, or confidence in his blood and righteoufnefs. But the divine wifdom took a different courfe. I was for a time permitted conftantly to behold the face of God as that of a gracious Father. As often as the day returned, in my prayers, thanksgivings, contemplations, and meditations on the works of God, and on his infinite glory, I was filled with heavenly joy, and with the fweeteft intimations of his prefence. Thus therefore, under an affecting fenfe of his kindnefs and indulged in the bleffedness of communion with him, it was not poffible that I fhould fuffer fear or dread, or that I fhould doubt my eternal falvation, feeling as I did fo fenfibly the very principles of it with in me.

Every

Every day I fervently and joyfully endeavoured to contemplate God's works both of creation and providence. With a fpirit elevated to the highest admiration of their Maker, I meditated on the fun, the moon, the planets, the comets, the fixed ftars, meteors, foffils, plants, animals, man. With fupreme amazement I confidered my own body and foul, and their union and intercourfe, altogether myfterious and inexplicable. Wherefo

ever I turned my view, whether to heaven, to earth, or to myfelf, ftruck with unfpeakable wonder, I faw, I felt the incomprehenfible God, infinite in majefty, and oh to what a height exalted above the praife of all his creatures!

Every day I attempted to reprefent to myfelf by the force of imagination, in a lively manner, this globe of earth, its vaft bulk and fuperficies, fufpended with its atmosphere in æther, revolving at once around the fun and its own axis, by the fun enlightened and warmed, and furrounded by that wonderful element the air; containing upon its furface, feas, mountains, valleys, rivers, &c. in which are found millions of animate and inanimate, rational and irrational creatures. Then, calling my attention and imagi nation home, I endeavoured to imprefs my mind with an idea of myself, as a skeleton clothed with muscles and nerves, furnished with exquifite fenfitive organs, with a multiplicity of implements artfully constructed and adapted to many admirable ufes, and in which fkeleton refides, as I may fay, this felf, that is my reasonable foul, connected with it by a bond of union unintelligible to me. All these contemplations excited in me lively perceptions of God's power, wifdom and goodness; and thus occupied, I felt a pure and heavenly-delight diffufing itfelf through all my faculties, and was happy in the enjoyment of the prefence of God. And the more I faw of the glory of God, and the more I admired him, so much the more my heart panted after every virtue, and abhorred its contrary evil. I wrote a fhort fummary of rules by which I purpofed to conduct myself. Their principal drift was, refiftance to all carnal defires, pride, anger, thirft of revenge, and love of the world. Thefe I read over daily, and almost always with pious emotion and with advantage.

Thefe contemplations on my own foul and body have feemed to me to carry fuch conviction with them, that I fometimes, though not wifely, thought them fufficient of themselves, if Fightly managed, for the converfion of any man. Purpofing to confirm my opinion by experiment, I communicated to fome of my friends an account of the extraordinary delight I had found in them, advifing them at the fame time to do as I had done, to confider themfelves with a fixed attention, as fkeletons furnished with mufcles and nerves, fubfifting and living by an effect of wonderful contrivance, and united as wonderfully with a living foul, &c. But my hope was disappointed; I found not the defired fruit of my endeavour. I had neverthelefs great pleafure in converfing