acceptance, in about two years, of a cure that had been offered to me in the neighbourhood. The propofal pleafed her, and the expreffed herself well fatisfied with the fituation. Our views and

purposes harmonized with each other, but the purpose of God was different, and bleffed be his Name for ever! our purposes vanifhed like smoke, while his flood faft, and he performed all his pleasure.

Not many days after my arrival Mifs E. began by little and little to decline in her health. Her indifpofition encreafed rapidly, and fhe was foon confined to her bed. Immediately I felt myself agitated by many fears, and my hope almost daily diminished, You may have felt perhaps, but you can never by words expressi the degree of anguish that I suffered on this occafion. The thought of her death was to me altogether infupportable. It seemed impoffible that I fhould furvive her. Now, all my amusements and ftudies became difgufting. Even the writings of the ingenious Voltaire, which ftood fo high in my eftimation, were of no ufe to relieve me from my miferable depreffion of fpirits. When on occafion of my daily enquiries concerning Mifs E. I was informed either that she was no better, or that her diftemper rather encreased; a fword feemed to pass through my heart; and harraffed by inex- · preffible fears, what I fhould do I knew not. I prayed to my unknown God for the restoration of her health. Never, I think, shall I pray again with equal earneftness.---Yet, after all, her disease raged daily more and more, and in a fhort time the danger became imminent. My terrors and agitations of mind keeping pace with her illness, had by this time encreafed to fuch a degree, that it became neceffary for me, left I should fall into abfolute defpera tion, to contrive fome employment or other, by which, my dif tracted mind might in fome meafure be diverted to other objects. I determined to write a fermon, and with consent of the minifter of the place, to deliver it in public. A few days before the appointed time of delivery, I proceeded thus-.-I chofe my text-fpent fome days in meditation on it-wrote down my thoughts, and committed the whole to memory. Thus I had not much lei fure to advert to other things. The violence of my distress was at least aleviated, and my attention directed elsewhere. At the time fixed I mounted the pulpit. The Lord did not fuffer me, (as justly and deservedly I might have been, for my rashness and irreverence) to be put to fhame. I preached with much applaufe, and poffibly not without fome effect. On this and the following day the diftemper feemed very much abated and the health of Mifs E. fo far restored, that I hoped in a fhort time to witness her com plete recovery. My joy now was proportioned to the pangs I had fuffered. I faw her, and with great pleasure, declared to her my former dread and anxiety on her account, as well as my prefent fincere delight in the affurance I feemed to have of her reftoration, After this, while they were carrying her to her bed, fhe looked at me with eyes expreffive of fingular affection, full of the tendereft meaning,

meaning, and fixt on me with an extraordinary seriousness of atten tion. From that time I was never permitted to fee her. The joy that I had conceived proved tranfient as it had been fudden. The disease returned on her with redoubled force, and raged to fuch a degree that her fufferings were extreme.---The next day, a phyfician of the firft eminence was called in. Having feen her, he pronounced immediately, her diftemper moft alarming, and fo dangerous that he entertained very little hope of her recovery. These words founded in my ears like a terrible clap of thunder. In truth my condition was moft unhappy, agitated as my mind was with extreme terror, and torn with unutterable grief. I laboured, but it was with the utmost difficulty that I prevailed, to conceal in fome measure the fearful state of my mind. In the mean time I had a horrible profpe&t before me of being prefent at her death; a profpect that I could not bear to contemplate. I determined to leave her, and to depart fuddenly from the place. Neither her condition nor the ftate of my own mind would allow me to bid her adieu. Accordingly, without her knowledge, overwhelmed with forrow and dejection, I abandoned my home and returned to the univerfity.

There I employed myself in fearching diligently into the obfer vations and experiments of a celebrated phyfician, if I miftake not, of the name of Dobfon, among which I remembered formerly to have read an account of the diftemper with which Mifs E. was afflicted. In a letter which I wrote immediately I entreated with the utmost earneftness that his prescriptions, however little in ufe in that country, might be tried. I then prayed with extraor dinary affection that thofe remedies might have a happy effect, and that the, without whom life was impoffible to myfelf, might be reftored to health. Sorrow and love, combined, taught me to pray fervently. Thefe fupplications I offered in various manners, and urged them on various pleas, and fometimes flattered myself that the prescriptions would have the defired effect; which event I thought would more than any thing recommend me to the parents of Mifs E. and ensure their confent to our union.

On the third day after my arrival at college, news were brought me that Mifs E. was not worse, and that the prescriptions I had fen, would be used, if the phyfician had no objection. But fome hours after, a friend of our family whom my parents (as I learned in the fequel) had entreated to the office, called on me with the fatal tidings. Employing his ufual eloquence, he began with in forming me that the medicines recommended by me would have no better effect than thofe prefcribed by the phyfieian. Then, telling me that he had obferved my affection for Mifs. E. he added, that there was very little hope of her recovery. I presently conceived a fear that all this was merely preparatory, and that I fhould foon receive from him the terrible news of her deceafe. I asked him with much quickness, if he were dead? He replied---She is. Juft in this moment I kept myself under ftrong controul. My

concern

concern appeared not outwardly fo vehement as was expected.--. Secretly, however I felt myfelf in a state of defperation, and for fome moments, my mind was fo ftunned as to have loft all power of reflection.

In order to abstract my thoughts a little from this great affliction, I walked forth and called on one friend and another. But my forrow and weaknefs of mind were but little relieved by it. It feemed adviseable to me to take a fhort journey through the adjacent country, that my fpirits, overwhelmed with distress, might receive fome recreation. But the good providence of God would not fuffer it. To fuch a degree did my defpair fometimes prevail, that I feemed to myself to be rendered abfolutely incapable of purfuing my ftudies, or of enjoying quiet and comfort more, so that I confidered life itfelf as an intolerable burthen. But God fupported and preserved me, by his fecret influence and direction.

I purchased fome books, the fame of which had cafually reached me, among which were Lavater's Profpect of Eternity, together with fermons by Walker, Blair, &c. The Profpect of Eternity by Lavater I read immediately. A little hope dwelt in me that after death I should meet Mifs E. again. A hope that fometimes fupported and refreshed me. For that reafon I fearched diligently the writings of Lavater for arguments favourable to the opinion that we shall know each other in a future life, and that the relations which obtain between us here will not entirely ceafe hereafter. At the fame time I prayed to God that he would mitigate and do away the exceffive forrow with which I was tormented. But not

one thought had I of faith in Chrift and converfion.

At this time I employed myfelf in affifting a friend of mine who was preparing a book that he had written, for publication, and found, while thus occupied, my attention fomewhat diverted from my lofs, and the ftrefs of my forrow abated. About eight days after the death of Mifs E. my paroxyfms of grief and imbecillity of mind were vehement to the laft degree. I was torn in pieces by defpair, had neither hope nor courage left.---Oppreffed with unfupportable forrow I threw myself on the bed, withing nothing fo much as, by a fudden ftroke, to be releafed from a life grown hateful to me. Alas! how miferable had I been to eternity, had my rafh and unreafonable wifh been granted! After fome hours my mind became a little calmer.

I had now begun to read the meditations of a certain Socinian, or rather Sceptic, on the principal truths of natural religion---the, elegant fimplicity of his ftyle pleafed me exceedingly. My forrowful fpirit at this time inclined me more to the reading of religious books than of any. I fought, in good earnest, fome alleviation of a grief which I knew not how to bear, and of which I could not hope that it would ever ceafe entirely; but to attain to it by the aid of my cuftomary ftudies, or by any amufements' whatever, was not in my power. Lavater's Profpect above-men-" tioned in fome degree engaged my attention, ftrengthened my

mind, and for a time enabled me to forget my forrow. My chief concern and the fubje&t of all my prayers and endeavours, was an abatement of my exceffive grief, but as for the falvation of my foul I thought no more of it than formerly. Not a fingle idea accurred to me of the neceffity of a new birth and of union with Chrift by faith. Spiritual good, was a good of which I had neither the knowledge nor the defire. My prayers therefore and my fearch into the contents of religious books had all one tendency, and aimed at nothing more than my deliverance from the extremity of woe, and the recovery, if poffible, of fome tranquility.

The next day was the day which I am bound never to forget, but to celebrate with eternal praifes; the day in which by the omnipotent grace of God I was called out of darkness into light, out of death into life, and was made partaker of the heavenly birth. In the afternoon I was employed in reading the meditations which I have mentioned of that focinianizing or fceptical writer on the truths of natural religion. I read him with a close attention, and was abforbed in the meditations that he fuggefted. Suddenly awakened, as I may fay, out of thofe mufings, I thought on God and his works. An idea altogether extraordinary of the glory and majefty of God ftruck me. I had never in fuch manner reprefented God to myfelf as now. I obferved (the eyes of my undertanding being enlightened) and admired in all his works to which I adverted, his flupenduous power, wisdom and goodness. I had in my mind an apprehenfion of the fpendor of his glory and prefence perfectly new to me. It was not fo much a notion that my illuminated intellect entertained of his infinite majesty and perfections, as it was a fenfe of them; The glory of his infinite godhead and prefence filled me with delight, and I saw so clearly his fupreme worthiness of all my love and obedience, that my mind was carried by a sweet and irrefiftible force to love him with fincerity, and my heart, broken at the fight, abhorred its former ingratitude. I inftantly conceived the purpose of a total reform in my conduct, of an univerfal attention to all his commandments, and to take them for my rule of life thenceforth without any exception. This appeared to me not only perfectly just and right, but eafy alfo and pleasant. I feemed to myself to have been hitherto the blindeft and moft ungrateful of creatures, who had never formed to myfelf fuch views of God before, who had neither loved nor obeyed him.

And now I recollected that I had a difference with two who had been once my friends. My anger against them had been extreme. The pride and thirft of revenge with which I had been ufually animated, feemed to render a prompt reconciliation highly improbable; but, at this time, I faw it evidently my duty to use my utmost endeavours to effect it. That new apprehenfion of God and fenfe of his greatnefs with which my mind was now penetrated wrought in me an unfeigned love to all mankind, and excited and compelled me by a force which it was happiness to obey, to ex

ercife towards all alike a fpirit of gentlenefs and benevolence. That very evening I had an opportunity to fee them both at the houfe of a third perfon. Gladly I went, and as I went, was occupied, to my beft remembrance, all the way in meditations on the glory of God exhibited in every creature: I flowed myself affable and friendly to my enemies, and behaved to them as if no ftrife whatever had occurred between us. A few days after, I wrote to them declaring that I had renounced all enmity and anger against them, and was moft ready to renew our friendship. From this memorable day my condition became widely dif ferent, and my courfe of life alfo. With a degree of attention to which I had till then been a ftranger, I contemplated the great works of God. The many proofs that I difcovered of the wifdom, power, and goodnefs of God, affected me with rapturous admiration and astonishment. In the livelieft manner I faw and perceived in all his works the unfpeakable majefty and confummate righteousness of God, and how pleasant it is inceffantly to admire, adore, love, and with the utmost readiness to serve him. I had evidently acquired other and new ideas of God, of myfelf, of the vanity of earthly things, and of the ineftimable value of grace and divine communion. I was tranflated, as it were, into a new world. Chrift lived in me, although till then I had not known him, and thus I became a new creature; old things had paffed away and all things were become new. In fhort, it is easier to conceive than to exprefs what paffed in my mind on this occafion,

IN

To be continued.]

The COMMUNION of SAINTS.

[Concluded from page 131.]

'N the next place I proceed, to point out fome of the advan tages which are derived from the communication of experience established in the weekly claffes. These conversations differ nothing materially from those we may have with a friend, only they open a greater variety of cafes, and afford us the pleafing indulgence of hearing much, and of faying little.

1. The first advantage which offers itself to our notice, is the relief and comfort which a penitent receives by communicating his various diftreffes and fears. In every fpecies of trouble, the confolation of a friend is a real felicity; and it may be reckoned an aggravation of our misery, when we have no one to whom we can disclose our heart. Whoever, therefore, opens his ftate with artless fimplicity, whether he fuffer from fecret temptation, or open perfecution; whether he be tried by inward corruptions, or outward embarra ffments, his complaints will meet with a pathetic reception, and awaken in his brethren every delicate feelVOL. XIX. April, 1796.

ing,