Quoth Corn then, in answer to Cotton, Perceiving he meant to make free,"Low fellow, you've surely forgotten The distance between you and me! "To expect that we, peers of high birth, Than to fatten curst calico-makers! "That bishops to bobbins should bend,Should stoop from their bench's sublimity, Great dealers in lawn, to befriend Your contemptible dealers in dimity! "No--vile manufacture! ne'er harbour A hope to be fed at our boards; Base offspring of Arkwright, the barber, What claim canst thou have upon lords? "No-thanks to the taxes and debt, And the triumph of paper o'er guineas, Our race of Lord Jemmys, as yet, Many defy your whole rabble of Jennys !" So saying, whip, crack, and away Went Corn in his cab through the throng, So madly, I heard them all say Squire Corn would be down, before long. THE DONKEY AND HIS PANNIERS A FABLE. fessus jam sudat asellus, Parce illi; vestrum delicium est asinus.-Virgil Copa. A DONKEY, whose talent for burdens was wondrous, So much that you'd swear he rejoiced in a load, One day had to jog under panniers so pond'rous, That-down the poor donkey fell, smack on the road. His owners and drivers stood round in amazeWhat! Neddy, the patient, the prosperous Neddy So easy to drive through the dirtiest ways, For every description of job-work so ready! One driver (whom Ned might have "hail'd" as a "brother") Had just been proclaiming his donkey's renown, For vigour, for spirit, for one thing or other,When, lo, 'mid his praises, the donkey came down! But, how to upraise him?-one shouts, t' other whis tles, While Jenky, the conjuror, wisest of all, Declared that an "over-production" of thistles-2 (Here Ned gave a stare)—was the cause of his fall Another wise Solomon cries, as he passes,"There, let him alone, and the fit will soon cease 1 Alluding to an early poem of Mr. Coleridge's addressed to an ass, and beginning, "I hail thee, brother!" 2 A certain country gentleman having said in the House, "that we must return at last to the food of our ancestors," somebody asked Mr. T. "what food the gentleman meant ?" -"Thistles, I suppose," answered Mr. T The beast has been fighting with other jack-asses, And this is his mode of 'transition to peace."" Some look'd at his hoofs, and, with learned grimaces, Pronounced that too long without shoes he had gone "Let the blacksmith provide him a sound metal basis, (The wiseacres said,) and he's sure to jog on." But others who gabbled a jargon half Gaelic, Exclaim'd, "Hoot awa, mon, you 're a' gane astray," And declared that, "whoe'er might prefer the metallic, They'd shoe their own donkeys with papier mache." Meanwhile the poor Neddy, in torture and fear, To advisers whose ears were a match for his own. At length, a plain rustic, whose wit went so far As to see others' folly, roar'd out, as he pass'd"Quick-off with the panniers, all dolts as ye are, Or your prosperous Neddy will soon kick his last!" REFLECTIONS SUGGESTED BY A LATE CORRESPONDENCE ON THE CATHOLIC QUESTION. POOR Catholics, bitter enough, Heaven knows, are the doses you've taken; You've swallow'd down L-V-RP-L's stuff, His nonsense of ether, "well shaken;" You've borne the mad slaver of LEES, And the twaddle of saintly Lord L-RT-N; But-worse, oh ye gods, than all theseYou've been lectured by Mr. Sec. H-RT-N! Alas for six millions of men! Fit subjects for nought but dissection, When H-RT-N himself takes the pen, To tell them they 've lost his protection! Ye sects, who monopolise bliss, While your neighbours' damnation you sport on, Know ye any damnation like this To be cut by the Under Sec. H-RT-N? ODE TO THE SUBLIME PORTE. "Tis my fortune to know a lean Benthamite spinster- Who tells you how clever one Mr. F-NBL-NQUE is, To see her, ye Gods, a new Number devouring- (That eminent dealer in scribbling and scrip ;)— Art. 3" Upon Fallacies," JEREMY's own— (The chief fallacy being his hope to find readers ;)— Art. 4-"Upon Honesty," author unknown; Art. 5-(by the young Mr. M-) "Hints to Breed ers.' Oh Sultan, oh Sultan, though oft for the bag And the bowstring, like thee, I am tempted to callThough drowning 's too good for each blue-stocking hag, I would bag this she Benthamite first of them all! Ay, and-lest she should ever again lift her head I would hang round her neck her own darling Review THE GHOST OF MILTIADES. Ah quoties dubius Scriptis exarsit amator-Ovid. THE ghost of Miltiades came at night, The Benthamite, yawning, left his bed-- The ghost of Miltiades came again ;- They quote him the stock of various nations, The ghost of Miltiades came once more;- Oft, too, the Corn grows animate, And a whole crop of heads appears, Like Papists, bearding Church and StateThemselves, together by the ears! While, leaders of the wheat, a row Of Poppies, gaudily declaiming, Like Counsellor O'Bric and Co., Stand forth, somniferously flaming! In short, their torments never cease; And oft I wish myself transferr'd off To some far, lonely land of peace, Where Corn or Papist ne'er were heard of. Oh waft me, Parry, to the Pole; For-if my fate is to be chosen 'Twixt bores and ice-bergs-on my soul, I'd rather, of the two, be frozen! CORN AND CATHOLICS. Utrum horum Dirius borum ?--Incerti Auctores. WHAT! still those two infernal questions, That with our meals, our slumbers mixThat spoil our tempers and digestions Eternal Corn and Catholics! Gods! were there ever two such bores? Nothing else talk'd of, night or mornNothing in doors or out of doors, But endless Catholics and Corn! Never was such a brace of pests While Ministers, still worse than either, Skill'd but in feathering their nests, Bore us with both, and settle neither. So addled in my cranium meet Here landlords, here polemics, nail you, From Daniel these, and those from Jacob. And when you sleep, with head still torn, Between the two, their shapes you mix, Now Dantzic wheat before you floats- Comes dancing through the "Porta Cornea." CROCKFORDIANA EPIGRAMS. 1. Mala vicini pecoris contagia lædunt. WHAT can those workmen be about? Why thus your houses fall. Quoth he, "Since folks are not in town, 2. SEE, passenger, at C- -D's high behest, 3. Inpar congressus-- FATE gave the word-the King of dice and eards Nullum simile est idem. 'T Is strange how some will differ-some advance That the Guard's Club-House was pull'd down by chance; While some, with juster notions in their mazard, THE TWO BONDSMEN. WHEN Joseph, a Bondsman in Egypt, of old, Oh Joseph! dear Joseph! bethink thee in time, They should sternly decree, 'twixt your namesake and you, That he was the Christian, and thou wert the Jew. THE PERIWINKLES AND THE LOCUSTS. A SALMAGUNDIAN HYMN. "To Panurge was assigned the Lairdship of Salmagundi, which was yearly worth 6,789,106,789 ryals, besides the revenue of the Locusts and Periwinkles, amounting one year with another to the value of 2,425,768, etc. etc."Rabelais. "HURRA! Hurra!" I heard them say, And they cheer'd and shouted all the way, The Salmagundians once were rich, Or thought they were-no matter which- And their rulers, skill'd in all the trick, And proved themselves most wealthy men! So, on they went, a prosperous crew, The people wise, the rulers clever,And God help those, like me and you, Who dared to doubt (as some now do) That the Periwinkle Revenue Would thus go flourishing on for ever. "Hurra! hurra!" I heard them say, But folks at length began to doubt And lost by Locusts ten times more! 1 Remote posterity-a favourite word of the present Attorney-General's. 2 Accented as in Swift's line "Not so a nation's revenues are paid." Of all the beasts that ever were born, Nor this the worst, for direr still, Alack, alack and a well-a-day! Their Periwinkles,-once the stay And prop of the Salmagundian tillFor want of feeding, all fell ill! And still, as they thinn'd and died away, The Locusts, ay, and the Locusts' Bill Grew fatter and fatter every day! "Oh fie! oh fie!" was now the cry, A CASE OF LIBEL. A CERTAIN Old Sprite, who dwells below ('T were a libel, perhaps, to mention where) Came up incog., some winters ago, To try for a change, the London air. So well he looked, and dress'd and talked, (N.B.-His horns, they say, unscrew; So, he has but to take them out of the socket, And-just as some fine husbands doConveniently clap them into his pocket.) In short, he look'd extremely natty, And ev'n contrived-to his own great wonderBy dint of sundry scents from Gattie, To keep the sulphurous hogo under. And so my gentleman hoof'd about, At White's and Crockford's, where, no doubt Alike a gamester and a wit, At night he was seen with Crockford's crew, Some wish'd to make him an M. P., At length, as secrets travel fast, And devils, whether he or she, Are sure to be found out at last, The affair got wind most rapidly. The press, the impartial press, that snubs "We warn good men to keep aloof From a grim old Dandy, seen about, With a fire-proof wig, and a cloven hoof, Who piques himself on his well-bred dealings, You may guess, when o'er these lines he ran, How much they hurt and shock'd his feelings. Away he posts to a man of law, [They may treat us, like Kelly, with old jeux-d'esprits, Like Reynolds, may boast of each mountebank frolic, Or kindly inform us, like Madame Genlis,' That ginger-bread cakes always give them the colick. There's nothing, at present, so popular growing As your Autobiographers-fortunate elves, And oh, 't would make you laugh to 've seen Who manage to know all the best people going, 'em, Without having ever been heard of themselves! As paw shook hand, and hand shook paw, And 't was "hail, good fellow, well met," be- Wanted, also, new stock of Pamphlets on Corn, tween 'em. By "Farmers" and "Landholders"—(gemmen, whose lands Straight an indictment was preferr'd- In vain Defendant proffer'd proof That Plaintiff's self was the Father of EvilBrought Hoby forth, to swear to the hoof, And Stultz, to speak to the tail of the Devil. The Jury-saints, all snug and rich, And readers of virtuous Sunday papers, Found for the Plaintiff-on hearing which The Devil gave one of his loftiest capers. For oh, it was nuts to the father of lies (As this wily fiend is named, in the Bible,) To find it settled by laws so wise, That the greater the truth, the worse the libel! LITERARY ADVERTISEMENT. WANTED-Authors of all-work, to job for the season, No matter which party, so faithful to neither :Good hacks, who, if posed for a rhyme or a reason, Can manage, like *****, to do without either. If in gaol, all the better for out o'-door topics; For Dramatists, too, the most useful of schools— They may study high life in the King's Bench community: Aristotle could scarce keep them more within rules, And of place they 're, at least, taught to stick to the unity. Any lady or gentleman come to an age Enclosed all in bow-pots, their attics adorn, Or, whose share of the soil may be seen on their hands.) No-Popery Sermons, in ever so dull a vein, Sure of a market;-should they, too, who pen 'em, Be renegade Papists, like Murtagh O'S-ll-v-n,2 Something extra allow'd for the additional venom. Funds, Physic, Corn, Poetry, Boxing, Romance, All excellent subjects for turning a penny ;To write upon all is an author's sole chance For attaining, at last, the least knowledge of any. Nine times out of ten, if his title be good, His matter within of small consequence is ;Let him only write fine, and, if not understood, Why, that's the concern of the reader, not his. N.B.-A learn'd Essay, now printing, to show, That Horace (as clearly as words could express it Was for taxing the Fund-holders, ages ago, When he wrote thus-" Quodcunque in Fund is assess it." THE SLAVE I HEARD, as I lay, a wailing sound, "He is dead-he is dead," the rumour flew ; And I raised my chain, and turn'd me round, And ask'd, through the dungeon window, “who ?" I saw my livid tormentors pass; Their grief't was bliss to hear and see; For never came joy to them, alas, That did n't bring deadly bane to me. Eager I look'd through the mist of night, To have good "Reminiscences" (three-score, or "Who, long as he sees but wealth to win, higher,) Will meet with encouragement-so much, per page, And the spelling and grammar both found by the buyer. No matter with what their remembrance is stock'd, So they'll only remember the quantum desired; Enough to fill handsomely Two Volumes, oct., Price twenty-four shillings, is all that 's required. Hath never yet felt a qualm or doubt 1 This lady, in her Memoirs, also favours us with the ad dress of those apothecaries who have, from time to time, given her pills that agreed with her;-always desiring that the pills should be ordered "comme pour elle." before the Irish Committees. 2 A gentleman, who distinguished himself by his evidence 3 According to the common reading "quodcunque infun dis, acescit." |