When lo! the Papers, one and all, Next Tradesmen's Bills began to fly- But oh!-the basest of defections! I waked-and pray'd, with lifted hand, Let it not crush the Sovereign too!" A playful young bear, and then mock his disaster By bidding him chuse out his own dancing-master. I thought the best way, as a dutiful son, Was to do as old Royalty's self would have done. For tools of this kind, like Martinus's sconce,' That R-D-R was, even by one twinkle, the brighter- There's such good mutton-cutlets and strong curacoa," You know, my dear FREDDY, how oft, if I would, I might have told Ireland I pitied her lot, Might have soothed her with hope-but you know I did not. And my wish is, in truth, that the best of old fellows A new era 's arrived-though you'd hardly believe it— And all things, of course, must be new to receive it. New villas, new fêtes (which even WAITHMAN attends) New saddles, new helmets, and-why not new friends? I repeat it "new friends"-for I cannot describe North, South, East, and West, they have cut such a figure, With all due appearance of thought and digestion-That For though H-RTF-RD House had long settled the question, I thought it but decent, between me and you, That the two other houses should settle it too. I need not remind you how cursedly bad soon they will bring the whole world round our ears, And leave us no friends-but Old Nick and Algiers. When I think of the glory they've beam'd on my chains, 'T is enough quite to turn my illustrious brains; But think how we furnish our Allies with breeches! It's true we are bankrupts in commerce and riches, 1 The antique shield of Martinus Scriblerus, which, upon Scouring, turn'd out to be only an old sconce. 2 The letter-writer's favourite luncheon We've lost the warm hearts of the Irish, 't is granted, P. S.-A copy of this is to P-RC-V-L goingBut then we've got Java, an island much wanted, Good Lord! how St. Stephen's will ring with his Το put the last lingering few who remain crowing! Of the Walcheren warriors out of their pain. Then, how WELLINGTON fights! and how squabbles his brother! For papists the one, and with papists the other; While t' other lays waste a whole Catholic Committee! Oh, deeds of renown! shall I baggle or flinch, No-let England's affairs go to rack if they will, And the finer they are, the more sure to run through: Neither have I resentments, nor wish there should come ill To mortal-except (now I think on 't) BEAU BR-MM-L, I hope, like the vender of best Patent Blacking, By the by, ere I close this magnificent letter (No man except POLE could have writ you a better,) "T would please me if those, whom I've humbugg'd so long With the notion (good men !) that I knew right from wrong, Would a few of them join me-mind, only a few- As for MOIRA's high spirit, if aught can subdue it, And against all the pure public feeling that glows Even in WHITBREAD himself we've a host in G-RGE R-SE! So, in short, if they wish to have places, they may, And I'll thank you to tell all these matters to GREY, ANACREONTIC. TO A PLUMASSIER. First, thou downiest of men ! Ranging these in order due, Bravo, Plumist!-now what bird Now you have the triple feather, EXTRACTS FROM THE DIARY OF A POLITICIAN. Wednesday Who, I doubt not, will write (as there's no time to THROUGH M-NCH-ST-R Square took a canter just lose) By the two-penny post, to tell GRENVILLE the news; And now, dearest FRED (though I've no predilection,) Believe me yours always with truest affection. now Met the old yellow chariot, and made a low bow. This I did, of course, thinking 't was loyal and civil, But got such a look-oh, 't was black as the devil' of noddles, In short, they were all much too godlike for CRACK! He had never been troubled with Friends or a Wife-Some were chisell'd too fine, some had heads 'stead Mem. To buy for son DICKY some unguent or lotion To nourish his whiskers-sure road to promotion!' Saturday. Last night a concert-vastly gay- KING CRACK AND HIS IDOLS. Written after the late Negotiation for a new M-n-stry. KING CRACK was the best of all possible kings (At least so his courtiers would swear to you gladly,) But CRACK now and then would do het'rodox things, And, at last, took to worshipping Images sadly. Some broken-down IDOLS, that long had been placed In his Father's old Cabinet, pleased him so much That he knelt down and worshipp'd, though-such was his taste! They were monstrous to look at and rotten to touch! And these were the beautiful Gods of King CRACK!— Till his people, disdaining to worship such things, Cried aloud, one and all, "Come, your Godships must pack You will not do for us, though you may do for Kings." 1 England is not the only country where merit of this kind is noticed and rewarded. "I remember," says Tavernier, "to have seen one of the King of Persia's porters, whose mustachios were so long that he could tie them behind his neck, for which reason he had a double pension." So he took to his darling old IDOLS again, And, just mending their legs and new bronzing their faces, In open defiance of gods and of men, Set the monsters up grinning once more in their places! WREATHS FOR THE MINISTERS. AN ANACREONTIC. HITHER, FLORA, Queen of Flowers! Haste thee from old Brompton's bowers- From the King's well-odour'd Road, Breathes the dust and quaffs the mud ! First you must then, willy-nilly, Next, our C-STL-R--GH to crown, 1 The ancients, in like manner, crowned their lares, or household gods.--See Juvenal, sat. 9. v. 138. Plutarch too tells us that household gods were then, as they are now, "much given to war and penal statutes." spivvoudiig xai VIROUS SHIMOVIC. 2 One of those antediluvian princes with whom Manetho and Whiston seem so intimately acquainted. If we had the Memoirs of Thoth, from which Manetho compiled his history, we should find, I dare say, that Crack was only a Regent, and that he, perhaps, succeeded Typhon, who (as 2 Certain tinsel imitations of the Shamrock, which are Whiston says) was the last king of the antediluvian dy-distributed by the servants of Cn House every Patrick's day. nasty. Stitch the garland through and through With shabby threads of every hueAnd as, Goddess!-entre nous- His Lordship loves (though best of men) Crimp the leaves, thou first of syrens! That's enough-away, away- Must be pluck'd to deck Old R-SE,- I leave the rest; so, prithee, haste! THE NEW COSTUME OF THE MINISTERS. For the Opening of the New Theatre of St. St-ph-n, Nova moustra creavit.-OVID. Met. lib. i. ver. 437. HAVING sent off the troops of brave Major CAMAC, With a swinging horse-tail at each valorous back, And such helmets-God bless us !-as never deck'd any Male creature before, except Signor GIOVANNI"Let's see," said the R-G-NT (like TITUS, perplex'd With the duties of empire,) "whom shall I dress next?" He looks in the glass-but perfection is there, doubt? For his Y-RM-TH's Own Frenchified hand cut it out; Every pucker and seam were made matters of state, And a grand Household Council was held on each plait ! Then whom shall he dress? Shall he new rig his brother, Great C-MB-RL-ND's Duke, with some kickshaw or other? And kindly invent him more Christian-like shapes As he made the puppets, why should n't he dress 'em? intended to have been spoken by the Proprietor, in full Costume, on the 24th of November. THIS day a New House, for your edification, We open, most thinking and right-headed nation! Excuse the materials-though rotten and bad, They 're the best that for money just now could be had: And, if echo the charm of such houses should be, As for actors, we've got the old company yet, Still wise as he 's blooming, and fat as he's clever, verse on, We had to engage (as a block to rehearse on) To get that great actor from Liverpool, C-nn-ng; 1 That model of princes, the Emperor Commodus, was particularly luxurious in the dressing and ornamenting of nis hair. His conscience, however, would not suffer him to "Grand fight-second time-with additional capers." trust himself with a barber, and he used, accordingly, to Be your taste for the ludicrous, humdrum, or sad, burn off his beard. "Timore tonsoris," says Lampridius.-There is plenty of each in this house to be had; (Hist. August. Scriptor.) The dissolute Ælius Verus, too, was equally attentive to the decoration of his wig.-(See Where our Manager ruleth, there weeping will be, Jul. Capitolin.) Indeed, this was not the only princely For a dead hand at tragedy always was he; trait in the character of Verus, as he had likewise a most hearty and dignified contempt for his wife.-See his insulting answer to her in Spartianus. And there never was dealer in dagger and cup, Who so smilingly got all his tragedies up. His powers poor Ireland will never forget, Come, what shall we say for it ?-briskly! bid on, And the widows of Walcheren weep o'er them yet. We'll the sooner get rid of it-going-quite gone! God be with it! Such Tools, if not quickly knock'd So much for the actors.-For secret machinery, In taking my leave, now I've only to say A few Seats in the House, not as yet sold away, May be had of the Manager, PAT C-STL-R-GH. THE SALE OF THE TOOLS. Instrumenta regni.-TACITUS. HERE's a choice set of tools for you, Gemmen and Ladies, They'll fit you quite handy, whatever your trade is (Except it be Cabinet-making-I doubt In that delicate service they are rather worn out; Though their owner-bright youth!--if he'd had his own will, Would have bungled away with them joyously still.) You can see they 've been pretty well hack'd-and, alack! What tool is there job after job will not hack? But you'll find them good hard-working Tools, upon The first Tool I'll put up (they call it a Chancellor) Heavy concern to both purchaser and seller,Though made of pig-iron, yet (worthy of note 't is) "T is ready to melt at a half-minute's notice. Who bids? Gentle buyer! 't will turn as thou shapest "T will make a good thum-screw to torture a Papist; Or else a cramp-iron, to stick in the wall Of some church that old women are fearful will fall; To pay ready money you sha'n't be distress'd, As a bill at long date suits the CHANCELLOR best. Come, where's the next Tool?-Oh! 't is here in a trice This implement, Gemmen! at first was a Vice- down, Might at last cost their owner-how much? why, a The next Tool I'll set up has hardly had handsel or LITTLE MAN AND LITTLE SOUL. A Ballad to the Tune of "There was a little Man, and he wooed a little Maid," dedicated to the Right Hon. Ch-rl-s Abb-t. Arcades ambo Et cant-are pares. 1813. THERE was a little Man, and he had a little Soul, Then said his little Soul, "I protest, little Man, you are stout, stout, stout, Pray tell me, what the devil Must our little, little speech be about, bout, bout, The little Man look'd big, With the assistance of his wig, And he call'd his little Soul to order, order, order, (As she was n't duke or earl) to reward her, ward her, ward her, As she was n't duke or earl, to reward her. |