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This--this it is and here I pray
As work like this was unbefitting, Those sapient wits of the Reviews,
And flesh and blood no longer bore it,
The Court of Common Sense then sitting,
Where, after hours in wrangling spent
(As courts must wrangle to decide well, As caterpillars find those flies'
Religion to Saint Luke's was sent, That, not content to sting like devils,
And Royalty pack'd off to Bridewell : Lay eggs upon their backs likewise
With this proviso—Should they be To guard against such foul deposits,
Restored in due time to their senses, Of others' meanings in my rhymes
They both must give security (A thing more needful here because it's
In future, against such offences-
Religion ne'er to lend his cloak,
Seeing what dreadful work it leads to ; 'Tis this Religion—this alone,
And Royalty to crack his jokeI aim at in the following story:
But not to crack poor people's heads, too. Fable. WHEN Royalty was young and bold, Ere, touch'd by Time, he had become
FABLE V. If 't is not civil to say old
THE LITTLE GRAND LAMA. At least, a ci-devant jeune homme.
Proem. One evening, on some wild pursuit,
Novella, a young Bolognese, Driving along, he chanced to see
The daughter of a learn'd law doctor,' Religion, passing by on foot,
Who had with all the subtleties And took him in his vis-à-vis.
Of old and modern jurists stock'd her, This said Religion was a friar,
Was so exceeding fair, 't is said, The humblest and the best of men,
And over hearts held such dominion, Who ne'er had notion or desire
That when her father, sick in bed, Of riding in a coach till then.
Or busy, sent her, in his stead,
To lecture on the Code Justinian, " I say”—quoth Royalty, who rather
She had a curtain drawn before her, Enjoy'd a masquerading joke
Lest, if her charms were seen, the students "I say, suppose, my good old father,
Should let their young eyes wander o'er her, You lend me, for a while, your cloak.”
And quite forget their jurisprudence.?
Just so it is with Truth—when seen,
Too fair and bright—'t is from behind
A light, thin allegoric screen,
She thus can safest teach mankind.
In Thibet once there reign'd, we 're told,
A little Lama, one year oldAnd knock'd whole scores of watchmen down.
Raised to the throne, that realm to bless,
Just when his little Holiness
Learn of the " why" or the “wherefore,” Some say his first tooth, some his second.
Chronologers and verses vary, The gentleman, who crack'd them, wore.
Which proves historians should be wary.
We only know the important truthMeanwhile, the Friar, whose head was turn'd His Majesty had cut a tooth."
By the laced coat, grew frisky 100Look'd big-bis former habits spurn'd
And much his subjects were enchanted, And storm'd about as great men do
As well all Lamas' subjects may be, Dealt much in pompous oaths and curses-
1 Andreas. Said “Damn you," often, or as bad
2 Quand il étoit occupé d'aucune espoine, il envoyait Laid claim to other people's purses,
Novelle, sa fille, en son lieu lire aux escholes en charge, et,
afin que la biaüté d'elle n'empêchât la pensée des oyants, In short, grew either knave or mad.
elle avoit une petite courtine devant elle.-Christ. de Pise, Cité des Dames, p. 11. chap. 36.
3 See Turner's Embassy to Thibet for an account of his 1 “The grontest number of the ichneumon tribe are seen interview with the Lama. «Teshoo Lama (he says) was at settling up in the back of the caterpillar, and darting at dif- this time eighteen months old. Though he was unable to ferent intervals their stings into its body--at every dart they speak a word, he made the most expressive sigos, and con deposit ad egz Goldsmith
ducted himself with astonishing dignity and decorum"
And would have given their heads, if wanted,
To make tee-totums for the baby As he was there by Right Divine
(What lawyers call Jure Divino, Meaning a right to yours, and mine,
And every body's goods and rhino), Of course his faithful subjects' purses
Were ready with their aids and succoursNothing was seen but pension'd nurses,
And the land groan'd with bibs and tuckers.
Oh! had there been a Hume or Bennet
And pin-a-fores, in nightly baules !
The waste of sugar-plums and rattles ! But no-if Thibet had M. Ps., They were far better bred than these; Nor gave the slightest opposition, During the Monarch’s whole dentition
But short this calm ; for, just when he
Tweak'd the Lord Chancellor by the nose, Turn'd all the Judges' wigs awry,
And trod on the old General's toesPelted the Bishops with hot buns,
Rode cock-horse on the City maces,
Hard peas into his subjects' faces.
And grew so mischievous (God bless him!) That his chief Nurse—though with the aid Of an Archbishop-was afraid,
When in these moods, to comb or dress him ; And even the persons most inclined
For Kings, through thick and thin, to stickle, Thought him (if they'd but speak their mind,
Which they did not) an cdious pickle.
That they and theirs stood by the King,
Throughout his measles and his chin-cough, When others, thinking him consumptive, Had ratted to the heir Presumptive :But, still-though much admiring Kings (And chiefly those in leading-strings) They saw, with shame and grief of soul,
There was no longer now the wise
Of birch before their ruler's eyes ;
And freaks occurr'd the whole day long,
Allow'd, even in a King, were wrong-
That Honourable Nursery,
As all good men desired to see ;-
And in its bud the mischief nippingThey ventured humbly to suggest
His Majesty should have a whipping! When this was read—no Congreve rocket,
Discharged into the Gallic trenches,
Produced upon the Nursery Benches.
“What, whip a Lama !-suffer birch To touch his sacred infamous ! Deistical !-assailing thus
The fundamentals of the Church!
Grave ladies of the Nursery side,
Such party squabbles, far and wide,
Which gave some fears of revolution,
Was put at last in execution. The Parliament of Thibet met
The little Lama, call'd before it, Did, then and there, his whipping get, And (as the Nursery Gazette
Assures us) like a hero bore it.
At length, some patriot lords-a breed
of animals they have in Thibet, Extremely rare, and fit, indeed,
For folks like Pidcock to exhibitSome patriot lords, seeing the length To which things went, combined their strength, And penn'd a manly, plain and free Remonstrance to the Nursery; In which, protesting that they yielded
To none, that ever went before 'emIn loyalty to him who wielded
The hereditary pap-spoon o'er 'emThat, as for treason, 't was a thing
That made them almost sick to think of,
And though 'mong Thibet Tories, some
So much is Thibet's land a debtor, 'Tis said, her little Lamas since
Have all behaved themselves much better
As, in a great lord's neighbourhood,
Of these Extinguishers were furnish'd (All of the true, imperial size,)
And there, in rows, stood black and burnish'd, Ready, where'er a gleam but shone Of light or fire, to be clapp'd on.
Nay, Colonels have been known to reason,-
(Nine cases out of ten) of treason. Not many soldiers, I believe, are
As fond of liberty as Mina;
Once turns into a Scarletina!
Do what they will-s0, one fine morning,
First giving a few kicks for warning. Then, thanking Heaven most piously,
He knock'd their temple to the ground, Blessing himself for joy to see
Such Pagan ruins strew'd around. But much it vex'd my lord to find,
That, while all else obey'd his will, The fire these Ghebers left behind
Do what he would—kept burning still. Fiercely he storm’d, as if his frown Could scare the bright insurgent down ; But no—such fires are headstrong things, And care not much for lords or kings. Scarce could his lordship well contrive
The flashes in one place to smother, Before-hey, presto-all alive,
They sprung up freshly in another. At length, when, spite of prayers and damns,
'Twas found the sturdy flame defied him, His stewards came, with low salams,
Offering, by contract, to provide him
But, ah! how lordly wisdom errs,
Obstructed to his heart's content,
Placed upon every dangerous ventYe gods! imagine his amaze,
His wrath, his rage, when, on returning, He found not only the old blaze,
Brisk as before, crackling and burningNot only new, young couflagrations, Popping up round in various stationsBut, still more awful, strange, and dire, The Extinguishers themselves on fire!!! They, they—those trusty, blind machines
His lordship had so long been praising, As, under Providence, the means
Of keeping down all lawless blazing, Were now themselves-alas, too true The shareful fact-turn'd blazers too, And, by a change as odd as cruel, Instead of dampers, served for fuel !
Thus, of his only hope bereft,
“What," said the great man, “must be done ?" All that, in scrapes like this, is left
To great men is—to cut and run.
The banish'd Ghebers bless'd return'd:
And all abroad now wildly burn'd,
Is—that such lords are simple elves, In trusting to extinguishers
That are combustible themselves.
1 The idea of this fuble was caught from one of those brilliant mots which abound in tho conversation of my friend, the author of the Letters to Julia-a production which contains some of the happiest specimens of playfu. poetry that have appeared in this or any age.
CORRUPTION AND INTOLERANCE;
prendering unnecessary the frequent exercise of prerogative, that unwieldy power which cannot move a
step without alarm, it limited the only interference The practice which has lately been introduced into of the Crown which is singly and independently exliterature, of writing very long notes upon very indif- posed before the people, and whose abuses are there. ferent verses, appears to me rather a happy invention; fore obvious to their senses and capacities : like the for it supplies us with a mode of turning stupid poetry Athens, it skilfully veiled from their sight the only
myrtle over a certain statue in Minerva's temple at to account; and as horses too dull for the saddle may obtrusive feature of royalty. At the same time, howserve well enough to draw lumber, so poems of this kind make excellent beasts of burden, and will bear ever, that the Revolution abridged this unpopular notes, though they may not bear reading. Besides, attribute, it amply compensated by the substitution of the comments in such cases are so little under the ne
a new power, as much more potent in its effect as it cessity of paying any servile deference to the text,
is more secret in its operations. In the disposal of
an immense revenue, and the extensive patronage anthat they may even adopt that Socratic dogma, “Quod supra nos nihil ad nos."
nexed to it, the first foundations of this power of the In the first of the following poems, I have ventured Crown were laid ; the innovation of a standing army to speak of the Revolution in language which has at once increased and strengthened it, and the few sometimes been employed by Tory writers, and slight barriers which the Act of Settlement opposed which is therefore neither very new nor popular.
to its progress have all been gradually removed durBut, however an Englishman may be reproached ing the whiggish reigns that succeeded, till at length with ingratitude, for appreciating the merits and re
this spirit of influence is become the vital principle of sults of a measure which he is taught to regard as the the state, whose agency, subtle and unseen, pervades source of his liberties—however ungrateful it might be
every part of the constitution, lurks under all its in Alderman Birch to question for a moment the pu: invisible sylph or grace which presides over the mo
forms, and regulates all its movements; and, like the rity of that glorious era to which he is indebted for
tions of beauty, the seasoning of so many orations yet an Irishman, who has none of these obligations to acknowledge, to "Illam, quicquid agit, quoquo vestigia flectit, whose country the Revolution brought nothing but Componit furtim subsequiturque.” injury and insult, and who recollects that the book The cause of liberty and the Revolution are so haof Molyneux was burned, by order of William's bitually associated by Englishmen, that, probably, in Whig Parliament, for daring to extend to unfortunate objecting to the latter I may be thought hostile or inIreland those principles on which the Revolution was different to the former; but nothing can be more professedly founded-an Irishman may venture to unjust than such a suspicion ;-the very object which criticise the measures of that period, without expos- my humble animadversions would attain is, that in the ing himself either to the imputation of ingratitude, or crisis to which I think England is hastening, and bethe suspicion of being influenced by any popish re-tween which and foreign subjugation she may soon mains of jacobitism. No nation, it is true, was ever be compelled to choose, the errors and omissions of blessed with a more golden opportunity of establish- 1688 may be remedied, and that, as she then had a ing and securing its liberties for ever than the con- Revolution without a Reform, she may now seek a juncture of Eighty-eight presented to the people of Reform without a Revolution. Great Britain. But the disgraceful reigns of Charles In speaking of the parties which have so long agiand James had weakened and degraded the national tated England, it will be observed that I lean as little character. The bold notions of popular right, which to the Whigs as to their adversaries. Both factions had arisen out of the struggles between Charles the have been equally cruel to Ireland, and perhaps First and his Parliament, were gradually supplanted equally insincere in their efforts for the liberties of by those slavish doctrines for which Lord H—kesb-ry England. There is one name, indeed, connected eulogizes the churchmen of that period; and as the with whiggism, of which I can never think but with Reformation had happened too soon for the purity of veneration and tenderness. As justly, however, religion, so the Revolution came too late for the might the light of the sun be claimed by any particu. spirit of liberty. Its advantages accordingly were for lar nation, as the sanction of that name be assumed the most part specious and transitory, while the evils by any party whatever: Mr. Fox belonged to man. which it entailed are still
felt and still increasing. By kind, and they have lost in him their ablest friend
With respect to the few lines upon Intolerance, | As weeping slaves, that under hatches lie,
And hears no ne vs but W-rd's gazetted lies;
Of “Church and State," and " William's matchless
And “Acts and Rights of glorious Eighty-eight," —
Things, which though now a century out of date,
A few crank arguments for speeching Lords
Turn, while I tell how England's freedom found, Νυν δ' απανθ' ώσπερ εξ αγορας εκπεπραται ταυτα: αντει
Where most she looked for life, her deadliest wound; σηκται δε αντι τουτων, υφ' ων απολωλς και νενοσηκεν και EAA.25. Txura 'IoT t"; (7205,
How brave she struggled, while her foe was seen, γελως αν ομολογη» συγγνωμη τοις ελιγκομενοι, μισος, How faint since Influence lent that foe a screen; αν τούτοις τις επιτιμα ταλλα, παντα, οσα Tou How strong o'er James and Popery she prevailid, se podoxson mptytt
How weakly fell, when Whigs and gold assail'd.?
the first moments of their popularity have in general been
after the death of Henry the Eighth, was recalled, " for pot
The same kind of delinquency led to the recall of Sir John
Perrot, in Elizabeth's time, and to that of the Earl of RadWhen Marlborough fought, and brilliant St. John nor, in the reign of Charles the Second, of whom Lord Orspoke;
“We are not told how he disappointed the King's That pride which still, by time and shame unstung,
expectations, probably not by too great complaisance, nor
why his administration, which Burnet calls just, was disOutlives e'en Wh*tel*cke's sword and H*wksb'ry's liked. If it is true that he was a good governor, the pretongue!
sumption will be that his rule was not disliked by those to Boast on, my friend, while in this humbled isle,?
whom but from whom he was sent."— Royal and Noble
in our own times.
1 It never seems to occur to those orators and addressers But by the baleful shadow she has thrown
who round off so many sentences and paragraphs with the On all our fate'—where, doom'd to wrongs and Bill of Rights, the Act of Settlemen', etc. that all the proslights,
visions which these Acts contained for the preservation of We hear you talk of Britain's glorious rights,
parliamentary independence have been long laid aside as
admirers acknowledge, was little more than a recognition 1 Angli suos ac sua omnia impense mirantur; cæteras of ancient privileges, a restoration of that old Go:hic strucpationes despectui habent.-Barclay (as quoted in one of ure which was brought from the woods of Germany into Dryden's prefaces.)
England. Edward the First had long before made a similar i England began very early to feel the effects of cruelty recognition, and had even more expressly reverted to the towards her dependencies. * The severity of her Govern- first principles of the constitution, by declaring that "the ment (says Macpherson) contributed more to deprive her of people should have their laws, liberties, and free customs, the continental dominions of the family of Plantagenet than as largely and wholly as they have used to have the same the arms of France."-See his History, vol. i. page 111. at any time they had them." But, luckily for the Crowo
3 “ By the total reduction of the kingdom of Ireland, in and its interests, the concessions both of Edward and of Wil1691 (says Burko,) the ruin of the native Irish, and in a liam have been equally vague and verbal, equally theoretigreat measure too of the first races of the English, was com cal and insincere. The feudal system was continued, notpletely accomplished. The new English interest was settled withstanding the former, and Lord M—'s honest bead is with as solid a stability as any thing in human affairs can upon his shoulders, in spite of the latter. So that I confess look for. All the penal laws of that unparalleled code of I never meet with a politician who seriously quotes tho Deoppression, which were made after the last event, were ma-claration of Rights, etc. to prove the actual existence of nifestly the effects of national hatred and scorn towards a English liberty, that I do noi think of the Marquis, whom conquered people, whoin the victors delighted to trample Montesquieu mentions, (a) who set about looking for mines upon, and were not at all afraid to provoke." Yet this is in the Pyrenees, upon the strength of authorities which he the ata to which the wise Common Council of Dublin refer had read in some ancient authors. The poor Marquis us for "invaluable blessings," etc. And this is the era toiled and searched in vain. He quoted his authorities to which such Governors as hie Grace the Duke of R-chm-nd the last, but he found no mines after all. think it politic to commemorate, in the eyes of my insulted
2 The chief, perhaps the only, advantage which has recountrymen, by an annual procession round the statue of sulted from the system of influence, is the tranquil, uninterKing William
rupted flow which it has given to the administration of An unvarying trait of the policy of Great Britain towards Government. If Kings must be paramount in the State Ireland has been her selection of such men to govero us as and their Ministers at least seem to think so,) the country were least likely to deviate into justice and liberality, and is indebted to the Revolution for enabling them to become the alarm which she has taken when any conscientious so quietly, and for removing so skilfully the danger of those Viceroy has shown symptoms of departure from the old shocks and collisions which the alarming efforts of prerogacode of prejudico and oppression. Our most favourite tive never failed to produce. Governors have accordingly been our shortest visitors, and
(a) Liv. xxi, chap. 11.