LES HOMMES AUTOMATES.

1834.

"We are persuaded that this our artificial man will not only walk and speak, and perform most of the outward functions of animal life, but (being wound up once a week) will perhaps reason as well as most of your country parsons."Memoirs of Martinus Scriblerus, chap. xii.

Ir being an object now to meet
With Parsons that don't want to eat,
Fit men to fill those Irish rectories,
Which soon will have but scant refectories,
It has been suggested,-lest that Church
Should, all at once, be left in the lurch,
For want of reverend men endued
With this gift of ne'er requiring food,—
To try, by way of experiment, whether
There couldn't be made, of wood and leather,*
(Howe'er the notion may sound chimerical,)
Jointed figures not lay, but clerical,
Which, wound up carefully once a week,
Might just like parsons look and speak,
Nay even, if requisite, reason too,
As well as most Irish parsons do.

Th' experiment having succeeded quite,
(Whereat those Lords must much delight,
Who've shown, by stopping the Church's food,
They think it isn't for her spiritual good
To be served by parsons of flesh and blood,
The Patentees of this new invention
Beg leave respectfully to mention,
They now are enabled to produce
An ample supply, for present use,
Of these reverend pieces of machinery,
Ready for vicarage, rectory, deanery,
Or any such-like post of skill

That wood and leather are fit to fill.

N. B. In places addicted to arson,
We can't recommend a wooden parson:
But, if the Church any such appoints,
They'd better, at least, have iron joints.
In parts, not much by Protestants haunted,
A figure to look at's all that's wanted-
A block in black, to eat and sleep,

Which (now that the eating's o'er) comes cheap.

P. S. Should the Lords, by way of a treat, Permit the clergy again to eat,

The Church will, of course, no longer need Imitation-parsons that never feed;

1 The materials of which those Nuremberg Savans, mentioned by Scriblerus, constructed their artificial man.

a The wooden models used by painters are, it is well known, "lay figures."

And these wood creatures of ours will sell
For secular purposes just as well-
Our Beresfords, turn'd to bludgeons stout,
May, 'stead of beating their own about,
Be knocking the brains of Papists out;
While our smooth O'Sullivans, by all means,
Should transmigrate into turning machines.

HOW TO MAKE ONE'S SELF A PEER,

ACCORDING TO THE NEWEST RECEIPT, AS DISCLOSED IN A LATE HERALDIC WORK.

1834.

CHOOSE Some title that's dormant-the Peerage hath

many

Lord Baron of Shamdos sounds nobly as any.
Next, catch a dead cousin of said defunct Peer,
And marry him off-hand, in some given year,
To the daughter of somebody,—no matter who,-
Fig, the grocer himself, if you're hard run, will do;
For, the Medici pills still in heraldry tell,
And why shouldn't lollypops quarter as well?
Thus, having your couple, and one a lord's cousin,
Young materials for peers may be had by the dozen;
And 'tis hard if, inventing each small mother's son
of 'em,

You can't somehow manage to prove yourself one of 'em.

Should registers, deeds, and such matters refractory,
Stand in the way of this lord-manufactory,

I've merely to hint, as a secret auricular,
One grand rule of enterprise,-don't be particular.
A man who once takes such a jump at nobility,
Must not mince the matter, like folks of nihility,
But clear thick and thin with true lordly agility.

"Tis true, to a would-be descendant from Kings,
Parish-registers sometimes are troublesome things;
As oft, when the vision is near brought about,
Some goblin, in shape of a grocer, grins out;
Or some barber, perhaps, with my Lord mingles

bloods,

And one's patent of peerage is left in the suds.

But there are ways-when folks are resolved to be lords

Of expurging ev'n troublesome parish records:

3 The Claim to the barony of Chandos (if I recollect right) advanced by the late Sir Eg-r-t-n Br-d-s.

4 "This we call pure nihility, or mere nothing."—Watts' a Logic.

Devour'd all the Tenths,' so the idols in question, These wood and stone gods, may have equal digestion,

Sea Captains, the idols here most idolized; And of whom some, alas, might too well be comprised

spises,

May eat up the tithe-pig which he idolizes.

London.

"Tis all but too true-grim Idolatry reigns,
In full pomp, over England's lost cities and plains!
On arriving just now, as my first thought and care
Was, as usual, to seek out some near House of
Prayer,

Some calm, holy spot, fit for Christians to pray on,

said,

And my host waits for nobody, living or dead.

LINES

ON THE DEPARTURE OF LORDS C-ST-R-GH AND ST-W--RT FOR THE CONTINENT.

At Paris et Fratres, et qui rapuêre sub illis,
Vix tenuêre manus (scis hoc, Menelaë) nefandas.
OVID, Metam. lib. xiii. v. 202.

Go, Brothers in wisdom-go, bright pair of Peers, And may Cupid and Fame fan you both with

their pinions!

The one, the best lover we have-of his years, And the other Prime Statesman of Britain's dominions.

Go, Hero of Chancery, blest with the smile

Of the Misses that love, and the monarchs that prize thee;

Forget Mrs. Ang-lo T-yl-r awhile,

And all tailors but him who so well dandifies thee.

for't ;

Not to mention th' et cæteras of Genii and Sphinxes,

Fame, Victory, and other such semi-clad minxes;

1 Tithes were paid to the Pythian Apollo.

Never heed how perverse affidavits may thwart thee,

But show the young Misses thou'rt scholar enough To translate "Amor Fortis" a love, about forty!

This and the following squib, which must have been

And sure 'tis no wonder, when, fresh as young Mars,

From the battle you came, with the Orders you'd earn'd in't,

That sweet Lady Fanny should cry out "My stars!" And forget that the Moon, too, was some way concern'd in't.

For not the great R-g-t himself has endured (Though I've seen him with badges and orders all shine,

Till he look'd like a house that was over insured) A much heavier burden of glories than thine.

And 'tis plain, when a wealthy young lady so mad is,

Or any young ladies can so go astray,

As to marry old Dandies that might be their daddies,

The stars' are in fault, my Lord St-w-rt, not they!

Thou, too, t'other brother, thou Tully of Tories,
Thou Malaprop Cicero, over whose lips

Such a smooth rigmarole about "monarchs," and "glories,"

And "nullidge," and "features," like syllabub slips.

Go, haste, at the Congress pursue thy vocation
Of adding fresh sums to this National Debt of

ours,

Leaguing with Kings, who, for mere recreation, Break promises, fast as your Lordship breaks metaphors.

Fare ye well, fare yo well, bright Pair of Peers, And may Cupid and Fame fan you both with their pinions!

The one, the best lover we have-of his years, And the other, Prime Statesman of Britain's dominions.

"When weak women go astray,

The stars are more in fault than they."

It is thus the noble lord pronounces the word "knowledge"-deriving it, as far as his own share is concerned, from the Latin, "nullus."

Sic te Diva potens Cypri,

Sic fratres Helena, lucida sidera,

Ventorumque regat pater.

TO THE SHIP

IN WHICH LORD C-ST-RGH SAILED FOR THE CONTINENT.

Imitated from Horace, lib. i., ode 3.

So may my Lady's prayers prevail,'
And C-nn-g's too, and lucid Br-gge's,
And Eld-n beg a favoring gale

From Eolus, that older Bags,
To speed thee on thy destined way,
Oh ship, that bear'st our C-st-r-gh,
Our gracious R-g-t's better half,"

And, therefore, quarter of a King-(As Van, or any other calf,

May find, without much figuring.) Waft him, oh ye kindly breezes,

Waft this Lord of place and pelf, Anywhere his Lordship pleases, Though 'twere to Old Nick himself!

Oh, what a face of brass was his,'
Who first at Congress show'd his phiz—
To sign away the Rights of Man

To Russian threats and Austrian juggle; And leave the sinking African

To fall without one saving struggle'Mong ministers from North and South, To show his lack of shame and sense, And hoist the Sign of "Bull and Mouth" For blunders and for eloquence!

In vain we wish our Secs. at home9

To mind their papers, desks, and shelves, If silly Secs. abroad will roam,

And make such noodles of themselves.

But such hath always been the case—
For matchless impudence of face,
There's nothing like your Tory race!
First, Pitt," the chosen of England, taught her
A taste for famine, fire, and slaughter.

Illi robur et æs triplex
Circa pectus erat, qui, &c.
præcipitem Africum
Decertantem Aquilonibus.

Nequicquam Deus abscidit

Prudens oceano dissociabili

Terras, si tamen impia

Non tangenda Rates transiliunt vada.

guished Rats that attended the voyager.

Animæ dimidium meum.

11

Audax Japeti genus

Ignem fraude malâ gentibus intulit.

Then came the Doctor,' for our ease,

With E-d-ns, Ch-th-ms, H-wk-b-s, And other deadly maladies.

When each, in turn, had run their rigs,
Necessity brought in the Whigs:2

And oh, I blush, I blush to say,

When these, in turn, were put to flight, too, Illustrious T-MP-E flew away

With lots of pens he had no right to!" In short, what will not mortal man do?

And now, that-strife and bloodshed pastWe've done on earth what harm we can do, We gravely take to Heaven at last, And think its favorite smile to purchase (Oh Lord, good Lord!) by-building churches!

SKETCH OF THE FIRST ACT OF A NEW ROMANTIC DRAMA.

"AND now," quoth the goddess, in accents jocose, Having got good materials, I'll brew such a dose "Of Double X mischief as, mortals shall say,

"So, now for th' ingredients:-first, hand me that bishop ;"

Whereon, a whole bevy of imps run to fish up,
From out a large reservoir, wherein they pen 'em,
The blackest of all its black dabblers in venom;
And wrapping him up (lest the virus should opze,
And one "drop of th' immortal" Right Rev. they
might lose)

In the sheets of his own speeches, charges, reviews,
Pop him into the caldron, while loudly a burst
From the by-standers welcomes ingredient the first!

"Now fetch the Ex-Chancellor," mutter'd the dame

"He who's call'd after Harry the Older, by name." "The Ex-Chancellor!" echo'd her imps, the whole crew of 'em

Which great event ends the First Act of the Drama.