plause, because she does not expect it; while the vain creature loses approbation through too great a sense of deserving it.' his anatomy, why might he not hope in time to cut off legs, as well as draw teeth? The par. ticularity of this man put me into a deep thought, whence it should proceed, that of all the lower order, barbers should go further in hitting the ridiculous than any other set of men. Watermen brawl, cobblers sing: but why must a barber be for ever a politician, a musican, an anatomist, a poet, and a physician? The learned Vossius says, his barber used to comb his head in Iambics. And indeed, in all ages, one of this useful profession, this order of cosmetic philosophers, has been celebrated by the most eminent hands. You see the barber in Don Quixote is one of the principal characters in the history; which gave me satisfaction in the doubt, why Don Saltero writ his name with a Spanish termination: for he is descended in a right line, not from John Tradescant,* as he himself asserts, but from that memorable companion of the From my own Apartment, June 27. Being of a very spare and hective constitution, I am forced to make frequent journeys of a mile or two for fresh air; and indeed by this last, which was no farther than the village of Chelsea, I am farther convinced of the necessity of travelling to know the world; for, as it is usual with young voyagers, as soon as they land upon a shore, to begin their accounts of the nature of the people, their soil, their government, their inclinations, and their passions; so really I fancied I could give you an immediate description of this village, from the five fields where the robbers lie in wait, to the coffee-house where the Literati sit in council. A great ancestor of ours by the mother's side, Mr. Justice Overdo* (whose history is written by Ben John-knight of Mancha. And I hereby certify all son,) met with more enormities by walking incognito than he was capable of correcting; and found great mortifications in observing also persons of eminence, whom he before knew nothing of. Thus it fared with me, even in a place so near the town as this. When I came into the coffee-house, I had not time to salute the company, before my eye was diverted by ten thousand gimcracks round the room, and on the ceiling. When my first astonishment was over, comes to me a sage of a thin and meagre countenance; which aspect made me doubt, whether reading or fretting had made it so philosophic; but I very soon perceived him to be of that sect which the ancients call Gingivistæ; in our language, tooth-drawers. I immediately had a respect for the man; for these practical philosophers go upon a very rational hypothesis, not to cure, but take away the part affected. My love of mankind made me very benevolent to Mr. Salter;t for such is the name of this eminent barber and antiquary. Men are usually, but unjustly distinguished rather by their fortunes than by their talents, otherwise this personage would make a great figure in that class of men which I distinguish under the title of Odd Fellows. But it is the misfortune of persons of great genius to have their faculties dissipated by attention to too many things at once. Mr. Salter is an instance of this: if he would wholly give himself up to the string, instead of playing twenty beginnings to tunes, he might, before he dies, play Roge de Gaubly quite out. I heard him go through his whole round, and indeed I think he does play the Merry Christ Church bells' pretty justly; but he confessed to me, he did that rather to show he was orthodox, than that he valued himself upon the music itself. Or, if he did proceed in ་ *Adam Overdo, a name given to a justice of peace, whose character is drawn in Bartholomew Fair,' a comedy so called, by Ben Johnson. † Mr. Salter was a noted barber, who began to make a collection of natural curiosities. He kept a coffee. house at Chelsea, which still bears his name. His curiosities were sold a few years ago by auction. There was no passing his house, if he was at home, without having one's ears grated with the sound of his fiddle, on which he scraped most execrably. § A well known and still celebrated catch, composed by Dr. Henry Aldrich, dean of Christ Church. the worthy citizens who travel to see his rarities, that his double-barrelled pistols, targets, coats of mail, his Sclopeta and sword of Toledo, were left to his ancestor by the said Don Quixote, and by the said ancestor to all his progeny down to Don Saltero. Though I go thus far in favour of Don Saltero's great merit, I cannot allow a liberty he takes of imposing several names (without my license) on the collections he has made,† to the abuse of the good people of England; one of which is particularly calculated to deceive religious persons, to the great scandal of the well-disposed, and may introduce heterodox opinions. He shows you a straw-hat, which I know to be made by Madge Peskad, within three miles of Bedford; and tells you, 'It is Pontius Pilate's wife's chambermaid's sister's hat. To my knowledge of this very hat it may be added, that the covering of straw was never used among the Jews, since it was demanded of them to make bricks without it. Therefore this is really nothing but, under the specious pretence of learning and antiquities, to impose upon the world. There are other things which I cannot tolerate among his rarities; as, the china figure of a lady in the glasscase; the Italian engine for the imprisonment of those who go abroad with it: both which I hereby order to be taken down, or else he may expect to have his letters patent for making punch superseded, be debarred wearing his muff next winter, or ever coming to London without his wife. It may perhaps be thought, I have dwelt too long upon the affairs of this operator; but I desire the reader to remember, that it is my way to consider men as they stand in merit, and not according to their fortune or figure; and if he is in a coffee-house at the reading hereof, let him look round, and he will find, * Tradescant was the person who collected the curiosities which Elias Ashmole left to the University of Oxford. † Vice admiral Munden, and some other sea-officers, who had been much upon the coasts of Spain, and in the Mediterranean, frequented this house, and gave this Spanish termination to the name of the landlord, which soon came into general use. They likewise gave him the most of his curiosities, among which was the relics of a Spanish saint, that had some how or other fallen into their hands, who was said to have wrought miracles. argues a man to be in his own stock of thoughts, or means to employ his brains and his fingers; yet there is a poorer creature in the world than there may be more characters drawn in this account than that of Don Saltero; for half the politicians about him, he may observe, are, by their place in nature, of the class of tooth-he, and this is a borrower of snuff'; a fellow that drawers. My method is, to dive to the bottom of a sore before I pretend to apply a remedy. For this reason, I sat by an eminent story-teller and politician, who takes half an ounce in five seconds, and has mortgaged a pretty tenement near the town, merely to improve and dung his brains with this prolific powder. I observed this gentleman, the other day, in the midst of a story, diverted from it by looking at some. thing at a distance, and I softly hid his box. But he returns to his tale, and, looking for his box, he cries, And so, sir-' Then, when he should have taken a pinch, As I was sayingsays he, has nobody seen my box? His friend beseeches him to finish his narration: then he proceeds; And so, sir-where can my box be! Then turning to me, 'Pray, sir, did you see my box?' 'Yes, sir,' said I, I took it to see how long you could live without it.' He resumes his tale, and I took notice that his dulness was much more regular and fluent than before. A pinch supplies the place of As I was saying,' and 'So, sir; and he went on currently enough in that style which the learned call the insipid. This observation easily led me into a philosophic reason for taking snuff, which is done only to supply with sensations the want of reflection. This I take to be an , a nostrum; upon which I hope to receive the thanks of this board: for as it is natural to lift a man's hand to a sore, when you fear any thing coming at you; so when a person feels his thoughts are run out, and he has no more to say, it is as natural to supply his weak brain with powder at the nearest place of access, viz. the nostrils. This is so evident, that nature suggests the use according to the indigence of the persons who take this medicine, without being prepossessed with the force of fashion, or custom. For example; the native Hibernians, who are reckoned not much unlike the ancient Baotians, take this specific for emptiness in the head, in greater abundance than any other nation under the sun. The learned Sotus, as sparing as he is in his words, would be still more silent if it were not for this powder. keeps no box of his own, but is always asking others for a pinch. Such poor rogues put me always in mind of a common phrase among school-boys, when they are composing their exercise, who run to an upper scholar, and cry, Pray give me a little sense.' But of all things commend me to the ladies, who are got into this pretty help to discourse. I have been these three years persuading Sagissa* to leave it off; but she talks so much, and is so learned, that she is above contradiction. However, an acci dent the other day brought that about, which my eloquence could never accomplish. She had a very Pretty Fellow in her closet, who ran thither to avoid some company that came to visit her: she made an excuse to go in to him for some implement they were talking of. Her eager gallant snatched a kiss; but, being unused to snuff, some grains from off her upper lip made him sneeze aloud, which alarmed the visit. ants, and has made a discovery, that profound reading, very much intelligence, and a general knowledge of who and who are together, cannot fill her vacant hours so much, but she is sometimes obliged to descend to entertainments less intellectual. White's Chocolate-house, June 29. I know no manner of news from this place, but that Cynthio, having been long in despair for the inexorable Clarissa, lately resolved to fall in love with the good old way of bargain and sale, and has pitched upon a very agreeable young woman. He will undoubtedly succeed; for he accosts her in a strain of familiarity, without breaking through the deference that is due to a woman whom a man would choose for his life.t I have hardly ever heard rough truth spoken with a better grace than in this his letter. 'MADAM,-I writ to you on Saturday by Mrs. Lucy, and give you this trouble to urge the same request I made then, which was, that I may be permitted to wait upon you. I should be very far from desiring this, if it was a transgression of the most severe rules to allow it: I know you are very much above the little arts which are frequent in your sex, of giving unnecessary torment to their admirers; therefore hope you will do so much justice to the generous passion I have for you, as to let me have an opportunity of acquainting you upon what motives I pretend to your good opinion. I shall not *The ingenious lady here alluded to, under the name of Sagissa, a diminutive from the word Sage, was probably Mrs. De la Riviere Manley, who provoked Steel her Sceret Memoirs from the New Atlantis,' &c. She indiscreetly renewed similar provocations in her after writings, and in return was treated most unmercifully. by the liberties she had taken with his character in † Lord Hinchinbroke married lady Elizabeth Popham, only daughter of Alexander Popham, esquire, of Little However low and poor the taking of snuffcote, in Wiltshire, a whole theatre of others. O, there be players, that I have seen play,-and heard others praise, and that highly-not to speak it profanely, that, neither having the accent of Christians, nor the gait of Christian, pagan, nor man, have so strutted and bellow'd, that I have thought some of nature's journey men had made men, and not made them well, they imitated humanity so abominably. This should be reformed alto trouble you with my sentiments until I know how they will be received; and as I know no reason why difference of sex should make our language to each other differ from the ordinary rules of right reason, I shall affect plainness and sincerity in my discourses to you, as much as other lovers do perplexity and rapture. Instead of saying, I shall die for you, I profess, I should be glad to lead my life with you: you are as beautiful, as witty, as prudent, and as good-gether. And let those that play your clowns, humoured as any woman breathing; but I must speak no more than is set down for them: for confess to you, I regard all these excellences there be of them, that will themselves laugh, to as you will please to direct them for my happi- set on some quantity of barren spectators to ness or misery. With me, madam, the only laugh too; though in the mean time, some ne. lasting motive to love, is the hope of its becom-cessary question of the play be then to be coning mutual. I beg of you to let Mrs. Lucy sidered; that's villanous, and shows a most send me word when I may attend you. I pro- pitiful ambition in the fool that uses it.' mise you I will talk of nothing but indifferent things; though, at the same time, I know not how I shall approach you in the tender moment of first secing you, after this declaration of, ma. dam, your most obedient, and most faithful humble servant, &c.' Will's Coffee-house, June 29. Having taken a resolution, when plays are acted next winter by an entire good company, to publish observations from time to time on the performance of the actors, I think it but just to give an abstract of the laws of action, for the help of the less learned part of the audience, that they may rationally enjoy so refined and instructive a pleasure as a just representation of human life. The great errors in playing are admirably well exposed in Hamlet's directions to the actors who are to play in his supposed tragedy; by which we shall form our future judgments on their behaviour, and for that reason you have the discourse as follows: Speak the speech, I pray you, as I pronounc'd it to you, trippingly on the tongue : but if you mouth it, as many of our players do, I had as lieve the town-crier spoke my lines. Nor do not saw the air too much with your hand, thus; but use all gently; for in the very torrent, tempest, and (as I may say) whirlwind of your passion, you must acquire and beget a temperance, that may give it smoothness. O, it offends me to the soul, to hear a robustious perriwig-pated fellow tear a passion to tatters, to very rags, to split the ears of the ground. lings; who, for the most part, are capable of nothing but inexplicable dumb shows, and noise; I would have such a fellow whipp'd for o'er-doing Termagant; it out-herods Herod: pray you, avoid it. Be not too tame neither, but let your own discretion be your tutor: suit the action to the word, the word to the action; with this special observance, that you o'erstep not the modesty of nature: for any thing so overdone is from the purpose of playing, whose end, both at the first, and now, was, and is, to hold, as 'twere, the mirror up to nature; to show virtue her own feature, scorn her own image, and the very age and body of the time his form and pressure. Now this, overdone, or come tardy off, though it make the unskilful laugh, cannot but make the judicious grieve; the censure of which, one must, in your allowance, o'erweigh From my own Apartment, June 29. It would be a very great obligation, and an assistance to my treatise upon punning, if any one would please to inform me in what class among the learned, who play with words, to place the author of the following letter. 'SIR,-Not long since you were pleased to give us a chimerical account of the famous fa mily of the Staffs, from whence I suppose you would insinuate, that it is the most ancient and numerous house in all Europe. But I positively deny that it is either, and wonder much at your audacious proceedings in this matter, since it is well known, that our most illustrious, most renowned, and most celebrated Roman family of Ix has enjoyed the precedency to all others, from the reign of good old Saturn. I could say much to the defamation and disgrace of your family; as, that your relations Distaff and Broomstaff were both inconsiderable mean persons, one daily bread. But I forbear to vent my spleen on spinning, the other sweeping the streets, for their objects so much beneath my indignation. I shall only give the world a catalogue of my ancestors, had, and which for the future ought to have, the preference. and leave them to determine which hath hitherto First then, comes the most famous and popular lady Meretrix, parent of the fertile family of Bellatrix, Famulatrix, Nutrix, Obstetrix, Lotrix, Netrix, Coctrix, Ornatrix, Sarcinatrix, Fextrix, Balneatrix, Portatrix, Saltatrix, Divinatrix, Conjectrix, Comtrix, Dehitrix, Creditrix, Donatrix, Ambulatrix, Mercatrix, Adsectrix, Assectatrix, Palpatrix, Præceptrix, Pistrix.-I am yours, ELIZ. POTATRIX.' St. James's Coffee-house, June 17. Letters from Brussels of the second of July, N. S. say, that the duke of Marlborough and prince Eugene, having received advice that the marshal Villars had drawn a considerable body out of the garrison of Tournay, to reinforce his army, marched towards that place, and came before it early in the morning of the twentyseventh. As soon as they came into that ground, the prince of Nassau was sent with a strong detachment to take post at St. Amand; and at the same time my lord Orkney received orders to possess himself of Mortagne; both which were successfully executed; whereby we were masters of the Scheld and Scarp. Eight men were drawn out of each troop of dragoons and company of foot in the garrison of Tournay, to make up the reinforcement which was ordered to join marshal Villars. On advice, that the allies were marching towards Tournay, they endeavoured to return into the town, but were intercepted by the earl of Orkney, by whom the whole body was killed or taken. These letters add, that twelve hundred dragoons (each horseman carrying a foot-soldier behind him) were detached from Mons to throw themselves into Tournay; but, upon appearance of a great body of horse of the allies, retired towards Conde. We hear that the garrison does not consist of more than three thousand five hundred men. Of the sixty battalions designed to be employed in this siege, seven are English, viz. two of guards, and the regiments of Argyle, Temple, Evans, and Meredith. No. 36.] Saturday, July 2, 1709. Quicquid agunt homines nostri est farrago libelli. Juv. Sat. i. 85, 86. Whate er men do, or say, or think, or dream, Our motley paper seizes for its theme. P. BY MRS. JENNY DISTAFF, HALF-SISTER TO MR. BICKERSTAFF. between my friends did not run so high as I find your accounts have made it. The truth of the fact you shall have very faithfully. You are to understand, that the persons concerned in this. scene were lady Autumn, and lady Springly : Autumn is a person of good breeding, formality, and a singular way practised in the last age; and lady Springly a modern impertinent of our sex, who affects as improper a familiarity, as the other does distance. Lady Autumn knows to a hair's breadth where her place is in all assemblies and conversations; but Springly neither gives nor takes place of any body, but understands the place to signify no more, than to have room enough to be at ease wherever she comes. Thus, while Autumn takes the whole of this life to consist in understanding punctilio and decorum, Springly takes every thing to be becoming, which contributes to her ease and satisfaction. These heroines have married two brothers, both knights. Springly is the spouse of the elder, who is a baronet; and Autumn, being a rich widow, has taken the younger, and her purse endowed him with an equal fortune, and knighthood of the same order. This jumble of titles, you need not doubt, has been an aching torment to Autumn, who took place of the other on no pretence, but her carelessness and disregard of distinction. The secret occasion of envy broiled long in the breast of Autumn; but no opportunity of contention on that subject happening, kept all things quiet until the accident of which you demand an account. It was given out among all the gay people of this place, that on the ninth instant several damsels, swift of foot, were to run for a suit of head-clothes at the Old Wells. Lady Autumn in her coach to see the race. on this occasion invited Springly to go with her When they came to the place, where the governor of Epsom and all his court of citizens were assembled, as well fellow addresses himself to the younger of the as a crowd of people of all orders, a brisk young ladies, viz. Springly, and offers her his service to conduct her into the music-room. Springly accepts the compliment, and is led triumphantly through a bowing crowd, while Autumn is left among the rabble, and has much ado to get back into her coach; but she did it at last: and as it is usual to see by the horses my lady's present disposition, she orders John to whip furiously home to her husband; where, when she enters, men who affect the entertainments and manners down she sits, began to unpin her hood, and lasuitable only to our sex, and women who pre-ment her foolish fond heart, to marry into a fatend to the conduct of such affairs as are only mily where she was so little regarded; she that within the province of men. It is necessary further to advertise the reader, that the usual might. Here she stops; then rises up, and places of resort being utterly out of my pro-made his approach with a supple beseeching stamps and sits down again. Her gentle knight vince or observation, I shall be obliged frequent66 gesture. "My dear!" said he "Tell me no ly to change the dates of places, as occurrences come into my way. The following letter I dears!" replied Autumn, in the presence of the governor and all the merchants- "What will lately received from Epsom.* the world say of a woman that has thrown herself away at this rate?" Sir Thomas withdrew, and knew it would not be long a secret to him; ries a fortune is of course guilty of all faults as well as that experience told him, he that maragainst his wife, let them be committed by whom they will. But Springly, an hour or two after, returns from the Wells, and finds the whole company together. Down she sat, and a pro From my own Apartment, June 30. MANY affairs calling my brother into the country, the care of our intelligence with the town is left to me for some time; therefore you must expect the advices you meet with in this paper, to be such as more immediately and naturally fall under the consideration of our sex. History, therefore, written by a woman, you will easily imagine to consist of love in all its forms, both in the abuse of, and obedience to that passion. As to the faculty of writing itself, it will not, it is hoped, be demanded that style and ornament shall be so much consulted, as truth and simplicity; which latter qualities we may more justly pretend to beyond the other sex. While, therefore, the administration of our af. fairs is in my hands, you shall from time to time have an exact account of all false lovers, and their shallow pretences for breaking off; of all termagant wives who make wedlock a yoke; of 'Epsom, June 28. It is now almost three weeks since what you writ about happened in this place. The quarrel About this time Epsom was a place pretty much resorted to in the summer season; but the company there generally consisted more of people in health, than of persons who had any real want of its mineral waters. found silence ensued. You know a premedi- Africanus lives in the continual puncture of tated quarrel usually begins, and works up with aching bones and poisoned juices. The old the words some people. The silence was broken heroes fled from torments, by death; and this by lady Autumn, who began to say, "There are modern lives in death and torments, with a some people who fancy, that if some people"- heart wholly bent upon a supply for remaining Springly immediately takes her up, "There are in them. An ordinary spirit would sink under some people who fancy, if other people"-Au- his oppressions, but he makes an advantage of tumn repartees, "People may give themselves his very sorrow, and raises an income from his airs; but other people, perhaps, who make less diseases. Long has this worthy been converado, may be, perhaps, as agreeable as people sant in bartering, and knows that when stocks who set themselves out more." All the other are lowest, it is the time to buy. Therefore, people at the table sat mute, while these two with much prudence and tranquillity, he thinks, people, who were quarrelling, went on with the that now, he has not a bone sound, but a thouuse of the word people, instancing the very ac- sand nodous parts for which the anatomists cidents between them, as if they kept only in have not words, and more diseases than the distant hints. Therefore, says Autumn, red- college ever heard of, it is the only time to purdening, "There are some people will go abroad chase an annuity for life. Sir Thomas told me, in other people's coaches, and leave those with it was an entertainment more surprising and whom they went to shift for themselves: and if, pleasant than can be imagined, to see an inperhaps, those people have married the younger habitant of neither world, without hand to lift, brother; yet, perhaps, he may be beholden to or leg to move, scarce tongue to utter his meanthose people for what he is. Springly smartly ing, so keen upon biting the whole world, and answers, "People may bring so much ill-hu-making bubbles at his exit. Sir Thomas added, mour into a family, as people may repent their receiving their money ;" and goes on 66 its office, be pronounced alive?' that he would have bought twelve shillings ayear of him, but that he feared there was some Every body is not considerable enough to give trick in it, and believed him already dead. her uneasiness." Upon this Autumn comes up What,' says the knight, is Mr. Partridge, to her, and desired her to kiss her, and never to whom I met just now going on both his legs see her again; which her sister refusing, my firmer than I can, allowed to be quite dead; and lady gave her a box on the ear.-Springly re-shall Africanus, without one limb that can do turns; "Ay, ay, said she, I knew well enough you meant me by your some people;" and gives another on the other side. To it they went with most masculine fury; each husband ran in. The wives immediately fell upon their husbands, and tore perriwigs and cravats; the company interposed, when (according to the slip-knot of matrimony, which makes them return to one another when any put in between) the ladies and their husbands fell upon all the rest of the company; and, having beat all their friends.and relations out of the house, came to themselves time enough to know, there was no bearing the jest of the place after these adventures, and therefore marched off the next day. It is said, the governor has sent several joints of mutton, and has proposed divers dishes very exquisitely dressed, to bring them down again. From his address and knowledge in roast and boiled, all our hopes of the return of this good company depend. I am, dear Jenny, your ready friend and servant, MARTHA TATLER.' White's Chocolate-house, June 30. This day appeared here a figure of a person, whose services to the fair sex have reduced him to a kind of existence for which there is no name. If there be a condition between life and death, without being absolutely dead or living, his state is that. His aspect and complexion, in his robust days, gave him the illustrious title of Africanus: but it is not only from the warm climates in which he has served, nor from the disasters which he has suffered, that he deserves the same appellation with that renowned Roman; but the magnanimity with which he appears in his last moments, is what gives him the undoubted character of hero. Cato stabbed himself, and Hannibal drank poison; but our What heightened the tragi-comedy of this market for annuities was, that the observation of it provoked Monoculus (who is the most elo. quent of all men) to many excellent reflections, which he spoke with the vehemence and language both of a gamester and an orator. When I cast,' said that delightful speaker, my eye upon thee, thou unaccountable Africanus, I cannot but call myself as unaccountable as thou art; for certainly we were born to show what contradictions nature is pleased to form in the same species. Here am I, able to eat, to drink, to sleep, and to do all acts of nature, except begetting my like; and yet, by an unintelligible force of spleen and fancy, I every moment imagine I am dying. It is utter madness in thee to provide for supper; for I will bet you ten to one, you do not live until half an hour after four; and yet I am so distracted as to be in fear every moment, though I will lay ten to three, I drink three pints of burnt claret at your funeral three nights hence. After all, I envy thee; thou who, dying, hast no sense of death, art happier than one in health, who always fears it.' The knight had gone on, but that a third man ended the scene by applauding the knight's eloquence and philosophy, in a laughter too violent for his own constitution, as much as he mocked that of Africanus and Monoculus. St. James's Coffee-house, July 1. This day arrived here three mails from Ho!land, with advices relating to the affairs of the Low-Countries, which say, that the confederate army extends from Louchin, on the causeway between Tournay and Lisle, to Epain, near Mortagne on the Scheld. The marshal Villars remains in his camp at Lens; but it is said, he |