THE SCHOPENHAUER BALLADS. No. I.- THE AQUARIUM OCTOPUS. Except a mermaid daughter: And when we lure them down below I cannot say I like the sea, The bottom, top, or middle, It's always asking, night and day, "Why was I made, except to drown This is the sad sea wave's remark It makes me think about myself- Which are my arms and which my legs I frighten children-old and young- I saved a school from drowning once, I'm now at the Aquarium, A "side-show" much belauded, The pay is not extremely large- BALLADE OF EARLSCOURT. I'VE really been extremely gay I've done most things (I mean, in reason)And, though "it is not always May," It has been, during my first season. At balls and parties I've had fun; I've listened to Home-Rule disputes; With screams and laughter from the height I've been to all the good first nights, I've cried at DUSE, laughed at PENLEY, I have seen all the London sights, While suff'ring torture from new boots; GLADSTONE I've met, and OSCAR WILDEBut ah! I've not been down the Chutes! Envoi. Prince, one regret I feel on leaving For country air, and flowers, and fruitsI quit gay London only grieving To think I have not shot the Chutes! "A DEUCE of a mess between France and Siam," observed a Bow-window Politician of Clubland. "A dence of a mess?" repeated the other Bow-window man. "You mean, as far as France is concerned, it's the very DEVELLE!" WHY ELINOR IS EVER YOUNG. (By a Fiancé à la Mode.) [". The women they might have married the girls whom they danced with when they were youths-have grown too old for our middle-aged suitors."-Standard.] I'm just engaged: I'm forty-five Our modern prime for wedded blisses. With blooming fin-de-siècle Misses; The damozels I might have married. Yes; there was JANEr, slim and pert; That years conspire to make her thinner; Fair widow of the latter Sixties, Ideal of the faith that oft With earliest homage intermixt is; I used to dream her, oh! so young; She's wrinkled now and bent and arid; It almost desecrates my tongue, But she was one I might have married. A truce to recollection sore; I'm still considered smart and youthful; And trusting, darling ELINOR Assures me so with passion truthful; In my fond eyes she 'll wither ne'er, Because the fact can scarce be parried I shan't survive to see her share The fate of those I might have married! THE RULE OF THE SEA. (For the Use of Admirers of the Admiralty.) Her Majesty's Fleet?" Question. What is your duty as a sailor in Answer. To carry out the orders of my superiors. Q. If you were told that black was white what would you say? A. That white was black. Q. If you were informed that two and two made five would you believe it? A. Certainly, and insist that those who thought four was the proper answer had been gravely misinformed. Q. Would you believe a captain to be always in the right? 4. Yes, from a lieutenant's point of view. Although, of course, I should consider him the weakest of authorities in the presence of an admiral. Q. Would you ever act upon your own responsility? A. Never; as such a course would be destructive to good discipline. Q. Then, if you were told to perform an impossible manoeuvre you would attempt to do it? A. Certainly. Q. Even if you saw that the result must be disaster? A. Yes. I should choose the lesser of two evils. Q. To what two evils do you refer ? A. Loss of life by my obedience, and loss of discipline by my disobedience. Q. Which would be the smaller of the two disasters? K is the Kangaroo, bold and defiant, R is that terror of batsmen-a Rot. HAM. Y is the Yorker, that's fatal to some, And Z shows the ending has really come. THE Great Ferris Wheel at Chicago Exhibition can "complete a revolution in seven minutes." Valuable this in Paris. military required. No who knows his kindness of heart will understand his unuttered wish forty lashes, hit high or hit low he couldn't please them. The scene that followed has no parallel since similar disturbance took place in Dotheboys Hall when Nicholas Nickleby revolted and took it out" of Squeers. HAYES FISHER leaning over clutched LOGAN by the back of the neck and thrust him forth. ASHMEAD-BARTLETT, seeing opportunity of winning his knightly spurs, firmly fixed his eyeglass, and felt for LOGAN in the front. That the table and front Opposition Bench were not "steepled" in LOGAN's gore, as were the forms and benches at Dotheboy's Hall in that of Funny Squeers's Pa, was due to diversion raised from another quarter. Irish members below Gangway, seeing the scrimmage, and noting CARSON had something to do with it, moved down in body with wild "whirroo!" SAUNDERSON, providentially in his place, sprang up and advanced to intercept the rolling flood. CREAN Friday, 1 20 A M.-If there is in the world at this moment a being on crest of advancing wave found his face, by what thoroughly astonished man it is JOHN WILLIAM LOGAN, Member of CAMPBELL-BANNERMAN would describe as a "regrettable accident." Parliament for the South (Harborough) division of Leicestershire. in contact with the Colonel's fist. Moreover, it was the knuckly Just now LOGAN's mind is disturbed and his collar ruffled by an end, scarcely less hurtful than the sharp edge of the sword which incident in the passage of Home-Rule Bill; but he is capable of laid WALKER (of London) low. CREAN drew back, but only pour giving perfectly coherent account of events. At ten o'clock MELLOR mieux reculer, as they say in Cork. Whilst the Colonel was standing rose as usual to set in motion machinery of guillotine. Question at in the attitude of pacific impartiality he later described to the moment before Committee peremptorily put. LOGAN, unguardedly SPEAKER, CREAN dealt him an uncommonly nasty one on the chops; descending from serene atmosphere of side gallery. reached floor of the thud distinctly heard amid the Babel of cries in the miniature House; was passing between table and Front Opposition Bench Donnybrook below Gangway. Amid moving, struggling mass, which, alas! there was no response. What became of LOGAN in this crisis not quite clear. Fancy I saw WALROND extricating him from the embraces of FANNY-SQUEERS-ASHMEAD-BARTLETT. Mr. G. looked on with troubled face from Treasury Bench. BARTLEY standing up on edge of scrimmage, pointed accusatory forefinger at him, was saying something, probably opprobrious but at the moment inaudible. towards division lobby when he beheld vision of VICARY GIBBS | SAUNDERSON'S white waistcoat flashed to and fro like flag of truce, to skipping down gangway steps shouting and waving his arms. LOGAN, a man of philosophical temperament and inquiring mind, halted to watch course of events. Something apparently wrong in the City; things either gone up or gone down; VICARY GIBBS certainly come down; was now seated beside PRINCE ARTHUR, with hat fiercely pressed over brow, excitedly shou'ing at Chairman. As everybody else was shouting at same moment, Chairman wrung his hands, and spasmodically cried "Order! Order!" LOGAN had presence of mind to note that whilst VICARY in any pause in the storm cried aloud, "Mr. MELLOR, I rise to order," he was sitting down all the time with his hat on. That was LOGAN'S last collected idea before personal affairs entirely engrossed his attention. HAYES FISHER, in ordinary times mildest-mannered man that ever helped to govern Ireland. took note of LOGAN still standing in passage between Front Bench and table; effect upon him miraculous. "Yah, LOGAN!" he yelled; "get out. Bah! bah! go to the Bar." Contagion of fury touched CARSON, who had hitherto been shouting at large. He now turned on LOGAN. "Gag! gag!" he yelled. Gang of gaggers." Then, in heat of moment, he cried above the uproar, "Gag of gangers." 64 This too much for LOGAN. Hitherto stood everything; now sat down in contiguity to CARSON. Here is where the surprise came in. Front Opposition Bench not his usual place, but was nearest available seat. His standing up objected to; it was certainly against rules of law and order that prevail in the House of Commons. Very well then, he would sit down. This he did, taking vacant place by CARSON. But, like the bo'sun and the sailor strung up for 66 So like BARTLEY to go to root of matter," said GEORGE RUSSELL, who surveyed scene from sanctuary of Speaker's chair. "Others might accuse JOSEPH of being responsible for disturbance by likening his old colleague and chief to iniquitous King HEROD at the epoch when the worms were waiting to make an end of him. VICARY GIBBS and good Conservatives generally are sure it was TAY PAY'S retort of JUDAS! JUDAS!' that dropped the fat into the fire. Only BARTLEY has cool judgment and presence of mind to point the moral of the moving scene. A striking figure in the inextricable mêlée. When his statue is added to that of great Parliamentarians in St. Stephen's Hall, the sculptor should seize this attitude." Business done.-Home-Rule Bill through Committee; but first a real taste of Donnybrook. Friday Night.-House a little languid after excitement of last night. Attendance small; subject at morning sitting, Scotch Education; at night, Agriculture. Dr. HUNTER thinks it would be nice to have Committee of Inquiry into origin and progress of last night's row. Nobody else takes that view; general impression is, we'd better forget it as soon as possible. Business done.-TREVELYAN explains Scotch Education Vote. THE ANGEL (IN THE HOUSE)'s ADVOCATE.-Mr. WOODALL. THE CLOSURE AT HOME. PATERFAMILIAS entered the drawing-room at ten minutes to six o'clock, and found the family still undecided. There was a pause in the conversation when he made his appear ance. "Where are we to go?" he asked, taking out his watch. "You have been quarrelling for the last week, and I have given you till this hour. So get through your amendments as fast as you can." "I prefer Paris," said Materfamilias, “and I am supported by all the girls. We are decidedly in a majo cried the rity Paris is simply awful at the end of July! eldest son. "Give you my word, mother, the place is impossible." Venice would certainly be better," said his younger brother. "Charming place, and you get a very decent table d'hôte at DANIELI'S." "Oh, Venice is too dreadful just now!" exclaimed Aunt MATILDA. "If we are to go with you, we certainly can't travel there. Besides, there's the cholera all over the Continent. Now Oban would be nice." 66 Are you speaking_seriously?" asked Cousin JANE. "Scotland never agrees with me, but Cairo would be perfect." CRICKET ACROSS THE CHANNEL. WE believe that our lively neighbours, the French, having seen that there is a chance of some alteration being made in the rules of cricket in England, have determined to suggest some changes on their own account. We give the first list of proposals:1. The ball in future is to be made of indiarubber. 2. Armour to be allowed to the striker, so as to prevent accidents from the ball. 3. The umpires to be henceforth experienced surgeons, so that their medical services may be available for the wounded. 4. Camp-stools to be permitted to the longstop, and other hard-worked members of the field. 5. Fielders expected to run after a rapidlydriven ball, to be allowed to follow the object on bicycles. 6. The wicket-keeper to have a small portable fortress in front of him to keep him out of danger. 7. The bats to be made of the same materials as those used in lawn-tennis. 8. The game to commence with the "luncheon interval," to be employed in discussing a déjeuner à la fourchette. 9. The uniform of the cricketer in future to consist of a horn, a hunting-knife, jockey-cap and fishing-boots, in fact the costume of the earliest French exponent of the game. 10. The outside to have the right to declare the game closed when fatigued. 11. A band of music to be engaged to play a popular programme. A flourish of trumpets to announce the triumph of the striker when he succeeds in hitting the ball. 12. Those who take part in the great game to be decorated with a medal. All future matches to be commomorated with clasps, to denote the player's bravery. "Do you think so, my dear girl?" put in Uncle JOHN. I fancy you are making a mistake. Egypt is very well in the winter, but it is fearfully hot in August. Now they tell me Killarney is this simply delightful at season." 66 "Ireland! No, thank you!" exclaimed REGINALD. We have had enough of Home Rule on this side of the Channel to go across to find it on the other. No; give me Spain, or even Russia." The hands of the clock were close upon the hour, but still there was a minute or so to spare. "Russia indeed!" snapped out PRISCILLA. "Who ever But would go to Russia? people do tell me that Chicago is well worth seeing, and At this moment the clock struck six. "Time's up," cried Paterfamilias. "We will all go to Herne Bay." And they did. The New Atomic Theory. (According to the New MANKIND are debtors to two mighty creditors, Omniscient Science, and infallible Editors. Nature is summed in principles THE LATEST CRISIS. [Mr. BARTLEY protested in the House of Commons against Mr. W. O'BRIEN's conduct in dining in the House with strangers at a table reserved for Members. Mr. O'BRIEN explained that Mr. AUSTEN CHAMBERLAIN had taken a table which he (Mr. O'BRIEN) had previously reserved. The question is under the consideration of the Kitchen Committee.] A CRISIS! A crisis! The man is a fool Who desires at this moment to talk of Home Rule. As to who took from which what was kept, and for whom. feats His mind, which is massive, to questions of seats, Should these reforms be adopted by the M. C. C., there seems little LATEST FROM THE NATIONAL BOXING SALOON (with the kind doubt that the national game of England will receive a fresh lease of regards of the SPEAKER). "The nose has it, and so have the popularity in the land that faces Albion. eyes!" |