THROUGH THE LOCK. "LOCK! Lock! Lock!" Yes, we're through. I'm glad, aren't you, "Lock! Lock! Lock. How they strove your togs to tear; But, hurroo! we've scrambled through! "Lock! Lock! Lock!" Faint cry, far before us! Lot of toffs my efforts mock; Swear they'll swamp us at the weir. Sit tight, my dear, and as we drop down with the tide towards the next lock, I'll sing you a new river-song to an old air. [Sings. And did you ne'er hear of a jolly old punt ing man, Who near Westminster his calling doth ply? He handles his pole with such skill and dexterity, Winning each "No" and enchanting each 'Aye." 66 THAT'S THE WORST OF LIVING IN APARTMENTS! He looks so neat, he steers so steadily, But o'er his last passenger rivals made merry, She did look so feeble, and frightened withal: "A fair sample this of your fine Irish ladies! In a Party like yours won't she kick up a squall?" Thus oft they'd be chaffing, and shouting and jeering, But 'twas all one to WILLY; he stuck to his steering; For hissing or hooting he little did care, fare. SYMPATHY. A Colloquy after the Eton and Harrow Cricket Match. Old Buffer to Small Boy, solicitously:WHY are you hoarse, my little lad, So husky and so hoarse ? Your voice is almost gone! 'Tis sad! You'll seek advice, of course? Diphtheria is much about! And-well you know, there's cancer!!! Dear me, you're choking now! Don't shout, But write me down an answer. Small Boy to Old Buffer, spasmodically :- The Rector (returning from day's fishing-in reply to usual question). "SPORT? OH! WRETCHED!! WRETCHED!!! TRIED EVERY DODGE I COULD THINK OF, BUT NOTHING WOULD TEMPT 'EM." Canny Scot (who rather suspects the Rector of a fondness for good living). "A-WEEL RECTHOR, NA DOOT THEY SET SOME ON US A POORFUL EXAMPLE I' NO GIVIN' WAY TO THEIR CARNAL PROCLEEVITIES, AND REFUSIN' TO BE TA'EN IN BY THE FA'SE BLANDISHMEN IS O' THE DEEVIL, I' THE SHAPE O' YER AWN ARTIFEECIAL FLEES.' THE VOICE OF THE THAMES. LEAVE, dweller in the smoke-bound street, Your native London's ceaseless noise. With aching head and weary feet Turn from the town's delusive joys. On dusty terrace, grimy square, A dismal pall seems settling down; Be not the Season's slave, and dare, Oh town-bred man, to leave the town. The town can spare you; it may chance The Park will fill without your aid; And still at many a matron's dance Moist man will whirl with panting maid. Vast dinners still will be as slow, The night will still be turned to day, But here the days are passing fair, Where erst his foaming torrents ran, Bend to your oars, away, away! Then rest awhile, or deftly steer Where topped with rainbow clouds of spray The waters tumble o'er the weir. Nor scorn the man whom, moored for hours, Nor failure daunts nor jeers affront, " Who sits, unheeding sun or showers, On field and stream, and all is still, EXAMINATION PAPER FOR LADIES. (To be set to Débutantes who have completed their first Season.) 1. WHAT do you think of London in comparison with the country? 2. Write a short Essay upon your initial ball, giving your impressions of (1) your partners, (2) your dances, and (3) the supper. 3. Given three dances a night six evenings a week, what will be the cost of bouquets a quarter? 4. Show how three dresses, with a clever ladiesmaid, and a deposit account at the Army and Navy Stores, can be made to do duty as a couple of dozen entirely different gowns. Lord ROBERTS, Mr. OSCAR WILDE, Captain BOYTON, and the Siamese Ambassador. 7. Supply the true stories associated with "the lost opera-glass at Ascot," "the sunshade at the garden party," ""the ride to the horse-chestnuts," and the interrupted honeymoon." 8. Show in a rough sketch the latest mode of shaking hands. 9. Give a brief account of any two of the following Society functions: (1) The Royal Wedding, (2) the Eton and Harrow match, (3) Sandown, (4) a first night at the Lyceum, (5) a wedding at St. Peter's, Eaton Square, and (6) Henley. 10. Correct the mistakes (if any) in the following passage:-"Mr. ALEXANDER, the Lessee of Drury Lane, appeared at the Haymarket as Becket, in Mr. PINERO's sparkling comedy of that name. He was supported by Miss ELLEN TERRY as the Second Mrs. Tanqueray, and Lady MONCKTON as Portia-the woman of no importance. After a successful career of five hundred nights, Becket was transferred to Chicago, with the cast strengthened by Mrs. BERNARD-BEERE, who consented to accept, as a mark of respect to the management, the comparatively insignificant part of Charley's Aunt.' 5. Give a short history of the Opera Season, 11. Give a list of the eligible partis of the pointing out any special features of import- season, with their rent-rolls, distinguishing ance, and estimating the receipts of the Com-idiots from sensible men. mand Night. 6. Give a short biography of any two of the following Society lions: Signor MASCAGNI, 12. In conclusion, after four months' hard work at Society functions, trace the benefit you have derived from your novel surroundings. Question. What is the duty of a Newspaper Proprietor? Answer. To use his periodical for the benefit of the public by obtaining and affording information. Q. Is he expected to expose abuses? A. Certainly, or he would be thought to be degrading the noble profession to which he has the honour to belong. Q. What is the customary result of an exposé? A. An action for libel. Q. By whom is it frequently brought? A. By a man of straw. Q. And what is the alleged libel ? A. That the plaintiff was described as being manufactured of no more substantial material. Q. If a man is made of straw, how can he obtain assistance from a solicitor ? A. By approaching a member of the junior branch of the legal profession who possesses no rooted objection to speculation. Q. What is a speculative action ? A. It is an action brought to give a solicitor a chance of getting costs. Q. Is the length of trial a matter of importance to the plaintiff ? A. Certainly not, because he stands to win one way and not to lose on the other. Q. What does a long trial mean to the defendant ? A. Solicitor's fees by the score and "refreshers" by the dozen. Q. What is the outcome of the proceedings ? A. After many days, a ver dict. Q. Why does he pay his own costs? A. Because his statement that the plaintiff is and was a man of straw is practically corroborated. Q. But does not the exposé prove that he has done an action well-deserving of his country? 4. Certainly; but this consideration does not give him unmixed satisfaction. Q. Why does it not give him unmixed satisfaction P A. Because, although losing a huge sum of money may be patriotic and large-minded, it is scarcely business-like. Q. Are not newspapers intended to benefit the public? 4. Unquestionably, but in that public the individuality of the proprietor should not be entirely overlooked. Q. Then what would you recommend? A. That instead of being regarded as prey, newspapers should be made to pay. Q. And how can that be carried out ? A. By making a law calling upon a would-be plaintiff, in a questionable action for libel, to give security for costs. O WISE YOUNG JUDGE!Mr. Justice HAWKINS has scored over and over again during the first act of the ZIERENBERG v. LABOUCHERE trial. One witness in crossexamination said "he thought he could tell people who were overworked." So Mr. Justice HAWKINS asked him, "Do you see anybody in this court who looks like being overworked ?" Of course the witness looked straight at the Judge, but Sir HENRY was ready with a very practical answer to his own question, as he instantly rose to the occasion and adjourned the case till next day. and from next day till next term. AT THE T. R. H.-Mr. TREE substituted IBSEN for WILDE. Some evenings at the T. R. Haymarket may be pleasantly passed, i.e., "Wilde" away. the startled House rang TOMMY's withering rebuke: "Pray hold your tongue!" an injunction which drew from GRANDOLPH the pained remark quoted above. ESSENCE OF PARLIAMENT. EXTRACTED FROM THE DIARY OF TOBY, M.P. House of Commons, Monday, July 17.-" Et tu, Bowlsey!" said Coming from such a source it was doubly painful. Always underGRANDOLPH, a tear glistening on his long eyelashes. Of course he stood that TOMMY founded his Parliamentary style upon GRANshould have said "Brute," but that is not Member for King's Lynn's DOLPH's earlier manner. Whispered that Member for King's Lynn name. Remark followed upon incident that ruffled unusually dull had dreamed a dream of a new Fourth Party. He of course would evening. TOMMY was making one of his rare speeches; instructing play the part of GRANDOLPH; HANBURY (selected chiefly on account Chief Secretary on intricate point in Home-Rule Bill; complaining of his height and slimness of his figure) would stand for ARTHUR of an omission in Amendment under discussion. GRANDOLPH, BALFOUR before he came into his Princedom. The glories of GORST turning round. explained to him the bearing of things. Audacious, would live again in BARTLEY; and TOMMY had spent sleepless it is true. "The attempt," as JEMMY LOWTHER said, "to instruct night in doubt as to whether he should enlist PARKER SMITH or your grandmother in the art of imbibing light but nutritious refresh- AMBROSE in place of WOLFFY, who now, in distant Madrid, wears a ment a slight thing compared with the temerity of teaching TOMMY sombrero, drapes his svelte figure in a cloak, and interlards his conanything." When he detected GRANDOLPH in attempt, he for versation with cries of Carramba!" moment fixed him with surprised stare. Enough in ordinary circumstances to paralyse a rhinoceros. GRANDOLPH, who from precarious retreat in a tree-top in Central Africa has watched the noon slumbers of a horde of thirty lions, did not flinch. Then through This point was decided by curious incident. One afternoon TOMMY came upon PARKER SMITH Conversing with TOMLINSON. 66 Don't you think PARKER SMITH 's getting something of a bore ?" TOMMY asked, when that eminent statesman moved away. |