Lamp. For my patients' sake— Balth. I'll send you to the major part of them. The window, sir, is open; come, prepare. Lamp. Pray, consider; I may hurt some one in the street. Balth. Why, then, I'll rattle thee to pieces in a dice-box, Or grind thee in a coffee-mill to powder, For thou must sup with Pluto: so, make ready; Balth. Thy wife! Lamp. My wife, sir. Balth. Hast thou dared think of matrimony, too? No flesh upon thy bones, and take a wife! Lamp. I took a wife because I wanted flesh. I have a wife, and three angelic babes, Who, by those looks, are wellnigh fatherless. Balth. Well, well! your wife and children shall plead for you. Come, come; the pills! where are the pills? produce them. Lamp. Here is the box. Balth. Were it Pandora's, and each single pill Had ten diseases in it, you should take them. Lamp. What, all? Balth. Ay, all; and quickly, too. that's well! another. Lamp. One's a dose. Balth. Proceed, sir! Lamp. What will become of me? Come, sir, begin Let me go home, and set my shop to rights, And, like immortal Cæsar, die with decency. Balth. Away! and thank thy lucky star I have not Bray'd thee in thine own mortar, or exposed thee For a large specimen of the lizard genus. Lamp. Would I were one! for they can feed on air. I'll be more wise, at least. [Exit. [Exit. Kate. If you wants a lawyer to get you fairly out of a scrape, my master's the man for your money, Sheepface. Sheep. I remember he stood my friend before, from being hanged at York; and, would you believe it? only for mending the complexion of a bald-faced horse: and, I don't know how it was, I have such a treacherous memory, but somehow or other, I forgot to pay him. Kate. O! never mind, he won't remember that; but be careful not to tell him your master's name. I know he would not be concerned against Mr. Snarl for the world. Sheep. No, no; I'll only tell him 'tis my master, and he'll think I mean the rich farmer I lived with formerly. Kate. Well, well; that will do-but here he comes: I'll go in. [Exit. Enter Scout. Scout. Egad! I think I have made a good morning's work! This cloth will enable me to make a genteel appearance. But who have we got here? sure, I should know that face. Hark ye! sir, didn't I save you and your brother from being hanged, some time ago, at York? Sheep. Yes. Scout. And, by the same rule, I think one of you forgot to pay me. Sheep. That was brother. Scout. One of you got clear off; and the other died, soon after, in prison. Sheep. That was not I. Scout. No, no; I see it was not. Sheep. For all that, I was sicker than my brother; but I am come to ask your worship to stand my friend against a-his worship, my master. Scout. What, the rich farmer here, that lives in the neighbourhood? Sheep. Yes, yes; he lives in the neighbourhood, sure enough; and if you will stand my friend, you shall be paid to your heart's contert. Scout. Ay, now you speak to the purpose: come, you must tell me how it was. Sheep. Why, you must know, my master gives me but small wages; very small wages, indeed; so I thought I might as well do a little business on my own account; and so make myself amends without any damage to him, with an honest neighbour of mine-a little bit of a butcher by trade. Scout. Well, but what business can you have to do with him? Sheep. Why, saving your worship's presence, I hinders the sheep from dying of the rot. Scout. Ah! how do you contrive that? Sheep. I cuts their throats before it comes to them. Scout. What, I suppose, then, your master thinks you kill his sheep for the sake of selling their carcasses? Sheep. Yes; and I cannot beat it out of his head, for the soul of me. Scout. Well, then, you must tell me all the particulars about it. Relate every circumstance, and don't hide a single item. Sheep, Why, then, sir, you must know that, last night, as I was going down-must I tell the truth? Scout. Yes, yes; you must tell the truth here, or we shall not be able to lie to the purpose anywhere else. Sheep. Well, then, last night, after I was married, having a little leisure time upon my hands, I goes down to our pens; and, as I was musing on I don't know what, out I takes my knife, and happening by mere accident, saving your worship's presence, to put it under the throat of one of the fattest wethers; I don't know how it came about, but I had not been long there before the wether died, and all of a sudden, as a body may say. Scout. What, and somebody was looking on all the while? Sheep. Yes; master, from behind the hedge; and would have it, it died all along with me; and so, as you see, he laid such a shower of blows on me, that it kept me out of temper all night; but I hope your worship will stand my friend, and not let me lose the fruits of my honest labours all at once. Scout. Why, there are two ways of settling this business; and one is, I think, to be done without putting you to any expense. Sheep. Let's try that first, by all means. Scout. You have scraped up something in your master's service. Sheep. I have been up early and late for it, sir. Scout. I suppose you have taken care to have your savings all in hard cash? Sheep. Yes, sir. Scout. Well, then, when you go home, take it and hide it in the safest place you can find. Sheep. Yes, sir, that I'll do. Scout. I'll take care your master shall pay all costs and charges. Sheep. Ay, so he ought; he can afford it. Scout. It shall be nothing out of your pocket. Scout. He'll have all the trouble and expense of bringing you to trial, and after that, have the pleasure of seeing you hanged. Sheep. Let's take the other way. Scout. Well, let me see: I suppose he'll take out a warrant against you, and have you taken before Justice Mittimus. Sheep. So I understand. Scout. I think the justice's credulity is easily imposed on; so, when you are ordered before him, I'll attend; and to all the questions that you are asked, answer nothing, but imitate the voice of the lambs, when they bleat after the ewes. You can speak that dialect. Sheep. It's my mother tongue. Scout. But, if I bring you clear off, I expect to be very well paid for this. Sheep. So shall; I'll you to heart's content. Scout. Be sure you answer nothing but baa! Sheep. Baa! Scout. Ay, that will do very well; be sure you stick to that. Sheep. Yes, your worship, never fear I. a body has to keep one's own in this world! What trouble [Exeunt Enter Snarl. Snarl. Ay, ay; that's my neighbour Scout's house: he is just come home, to give orders about the dinner, I warrant. I think I shall make a good day's work; what with the fifty pounds his father owed mine, which, by-the-by, I know nothing at all about, and the money for the cloth, and the goose that is to be dressed by a famous recipe of Alderman Dumpling's. I believe they are dressing it now: I'll in, and see what is going forward. [Exit. SCENE. A Room in Scout's House. Scout and Mrs. Scout discovered. Scout. Wife, wife, come along; I think I hear Snarl at the door; come to your place, and mind your cue. (Sits.) Mrs. S. Never fear me; I warrant I shall make an excellent nurse. Enter Snarl. Snarl. Where is my friend, Mr. Scout? Is the goose a roasting? Scout. Wife, wife, here comes the doctor; he brings me the cooling mixture-the cooling mixture! Snarl. The cooling mixture! Mrs. S. O sir, I hope you have brought something for my poor husband; he has been confined to his room, and has not been out this fortnight. Snarl. Not out of his room this fortnight! Mrs. S. No, sir; this day fortnight, of all the good days in the year, he was seized with a lunacy fit, and has not been out of doors since. Snarl. Why, woman, what are you talking about? Why, he came to my shop this morning; and, by the same token, he bought four yards of iron-gray cloth, and I am come for my money. Mrs. S. This morning! Snarl. This morning; and invited me to dine with him to-day off a goose, and to receive fifty pounds which his father owed mine. I'll speak to him. How do you do good Mr. Scout? Scout. O! how d'ye do, good Mr. Drench? |