CHAPTER V.

I Now pass on to the time when, being the father of three children, I found that to educate them would be a source of perplexity to me. They were often caressed by our mutual families, and taken home with them, and sometimes remained with them for many days, and all this time I was continuing to follow Judaism outwards. The weakness of my wife strongly inclining her to that way, I saw no other course open than to train them up in the errors to which I felt such an objection. This was my want of faith. I still hoped that a way of escape from this bondage would, in the working of Providence, be shewn me. I sometimes thought that I would encounter every risk, and instruct them, as far as I knew myself, in the truths of christianity, but to do this I must have professed that religion openly; and, I must humbly confess, to my shame, that I was too much disposed to sit down, and count the cost. To renounce Judaism would

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be (humanly speaking) a resignation of business, of domestic peace, of society—in short, of all temporal things that the necessities of life require. I was connected in trade with other members of the family, and any individual of the body conducting himself in a manner contrary to the wishes and opinions. of his partners would immediately be subject to expulsion. Yet, with the certainty of such consequences, I was enabled to speak upon the subject to a Jewish friend of the family, after obtaining a promise from him that he would not divulge the matter I should disclose to him. I chose this person as a confidant, because I had hitherto considered him as a liberal-minded man, who was more free from superstitious trammels than any other of my acquaintance; I related to him what my objections were to Judaism, and stated my views of christianity. He would not permit me to conclude, and, observing by a contraction of his brow, that a storm was gathering, I was silent. "Do you imagine, Sir," he replied, "that I will hide from your family such a spirit of apostacy from the religion of your forefathers, as you now avow? No, I have too great a respect for them, and it is highly

proper that they should be made acquainted with the detestable principles which you acknowledge." I entreated him, for the sake of his promise, and for the peace of my kindred, that he would be silent on the subject, but he was inexorable, and went away, determined to inform my family of my sentiments. He came to me again, and told me that he had communicated the substance of what I had related to him, to some of my family, and their resolution was, that if I continued to indulge in such heretical notions, they would cut me off from the benefit of any share in such mercantile, and other advantages as I possessed in common with the other members of the family. They added, that they would watch me narrowly, for they feared I was insane. At this crisis the 142nd Psalm was really applicable to my case. However, I tried to disguise from my dear wife the various conflicts that were warring within me. She soon perceived by the gloom and thoughtfulness of my manners that some heavy care rested on my mind. After evading, over and over again, her repeated entreaties that I would confide to her what it was that harrassed me so constantly by day, and disturbed my rest at night,

I was at length overcome by her importunities, and disclosed to her the cause of my unsettled state of mind; and here I now expected another trial. What could I look for, from one whose mind had been so deeply prejudiced, but contempt and reproach, and a resolution to leave me in the pursuit of my destructive career (as the Jews deemed it,) and to seek refuge amongst her own family. But it was not so. She was one towards whom God, in the riches of his grace, had thoughts of mercy; she sympathized with me, and avowed her intention of casting in her lot with mine.* We now, both together, applied ourselves to ask counsel of the Most High, and I was soon led to take such a course as subsequently enabled me to confess my Redeemer without the fear of any thing man could do unto me.

My Father had for years cautioned me against entering into any religious conversation with a certain christian gentleman, with whom he transacted business; stating as his reason for the prohibition, that the arguments he drew from Scripture were so very powerful,

By the Jewish law, a husband or wife can obtain a divorce on the ground of the former or latter becoming an apostate.

that he found difficulty in confuting them. To that gentleman I applied for advice, under the extraordinary circumstances in which I was placed. He told me how rejoiced he felt that the son of his old Jewish friend was seeking the way to Zion. These gracious words of our blessed Saviour which he then quoted, gave me great comfort: "And every one that hath forsaken houses, or brethren, or sisters, or father, or mother, or wife, or children, or lands, for my name's sake, shall receive an hundred-fold, and shall inherit everlasting life." Matth. xix. 29.

He exhorted me to put my whole trust and confidence in God, and to make my supplications in the all-prevailing name of Jesus. "Pray," said he, "without ceasing, follow the example of your father Jacob, wrestle in the spirit, and say, "I will not let thee go except thou bless me." This interview lasted about two hours, yet the time appeared very short whilst I was receiving so much good advice, instruction and consolation. He then told me that if I wished to hear the word of God faithfully preached, I should go to a Church, near the Bank of England, where on every Tuesday morning the Rev. Mr. Wilkinson preached.