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As heaven has made for those who love?
For those who love, and long to steal What none but hearts of ice reprove,
What none but hearts of fire can feel !
At night, what dear employ to trace,
That's hid by darkness from the sight;
Is telling to the soul at night!
Go, go—an age of vulgar years
May now be pin'd, be sigh'd away, Before one blessed hour appears,
Like that which we have lost to-day!
At night, when all is still around,
Of footstep, coming soft and light!
That foot that comes so soft at night! And then, at night, how sweet to say “ 'Tis late, my love !" and chide delay,
Though still the western clouds are briglit; Oh! happy too the silent press, The eloquence of mute caress,
With those we love exchang'd at night!
And I beside thee calmly sleeping ;
And life has nothing worth our keeping ! No-common souls may bear decline
Of all that throbb’d them once so high; But hearts that beat like thine and mine,
Must still love on-love on or die!
'Tis true, our early joy was such,
That nature could not bear th' excess! It was too much for life too much.
Though life be all a blank with less ! To see that eye so cold, so still,
Which once, O God! could melt in bliss, No, no, I cannot bear the chill
Hate, burning hate were heaven to this !
1 These lines allude to a curious lamp, which has for its device a Cupid, with the words “at night" written over him.
THE TWOPENNY POST BAG.
E lapsæ manibus cecidere tabellæ.-- Ovid.
TO ST -N W -LR
-E, Esq. MY DEAR W-E: It is now about seven years since I promised (and I grieve to think it is almost as long since we met) to dedicate to you the very first book, of whatever size or kind, I should publish. Who could have thought that so many years would elapse without my giving the least signs of life upon the subject of this important promise? Who could have imagined that a volume of doggerel, after all, would be the first offering that Gratitude would lay upon the shrine of Friendship?
If, however, you are as interested about me and my pursuits as formerly, you will be happy to hear that doggerel is not my only occupation; but that I am preparing to throw my name to the Swans of the Temple of Immortality," leaving it, of course, to the said Swans to determine whether they ever will take he trouble of picking it from the stream.
In the mean time, my dear W-E, like a pious Lutheran, you must judge of me rather by my farth zan my works, and, however trifling the tribute which I offer, never doubt the fidelity with which I am, and 'ways shall be,
Your sincere and attached friend, 245, Piccadilly, March 4, 1813.
an ambition (having never tried the strength of my
wing but in a newspaper) to publish something or The Bag, from which the following Letters are se- other in the shape of a book; and it occurred to me lected, was dropped by a Twopenny Postman, about that, the present being such a letter-writing era, a few two months since, and picked up by an emissary of of these two-penny post epistles, turned into easy the Society for the S—pp—s—n of V-e, who, sup- verse, would be as light and popular a task as I could posing it might materially assist the private researches possibly select for a commencement. I did not of that institution, immediately took it to his employ- think it prudent, however, to give too many Letters at ers and was rewarded handsomely for his trouble. first; and, accordingly, have been obliged (in order to Such a treasury of secrets was worth a whole host of eke out a sufficient number of pages) to reprint some informers; and, accordingly, like the Cupids of the of those trifles, which had already appeared in the poet (if I may use so profane a simile) who “ fell at public journals. As, in the battles of ancient times, odds about the sweet-bag of a bee,"? those venerable the shades of the departed were sometimes seen suppressors almost fought with each other for the among the combatants, so I thought I might remedy honour and delight of first ransacking the Post-Bag. the thinness of my ranks, by conjuring up a few dead Unluckily, however, it turned out, upon examination, and forgotten ephemerons to fill them. that the discoveries of profligacy, which it enabled
Such are the motives and accidents that led to the them to make, lay chiefly in those upper regions of present publication; and as this is the first time my society, which their well-bred regulations forbid them muse has ever ventured out of the go-cart of a newsto molest or meddle with. In consequence, they paper, though I feel all a parent's delight at seeing gained but very few victims by their prize, and, after little Miss go alone, I am also not without a parent's lying for a week or two under Mr. H-TCH-D's anxiety, lest an unlucky fall should be the consecounter, the Bag, with its violated contents, was sold quence of the experiment; and I need not point out for a trifle to a friend of mine.
the many living instances there are of Muses that It happened that I had just then been seized with have suffered severely in their heads, from taking too
early and rashly to their feet. Besides, a book is so | Aristo, canto 35.
2 Herrick. very different a thing from a newspaper !—in the for
BY A FRIEND OF THE AUTHOR.
mer, your doggerel, without either company or shel- has been seen at church every Sunday, for a whole ter, must stand shivering in the middle of a bleak year together, listening to the sermons of his truly white page by itself; whereas, in the latter, it is com- reverend and amiable friend, Dr. and behavfortly backed by advertisements, and has sometimes ing there as well and as orderly as most people. even a Speech of Mr. St-ph-n's, or something There are a few more mistakes and falsehoods equally warm, for a chauffe-pie,-so that, in general, about Mr. Brown, to which I had intended, with all the very reverse of " laudatur et alget" is its destiny. becoming gravity, to advert; but I begin to think the
Ambition, however, must run some risks, and I task is altogether as useless as it is tiresome. Calumshall be very well satisfied if the reception of these nies and misrepresentations of this sort are, like the few Letters should have the effect of sending me to arguments and statements of Dr. Duigenan, not at all the Post-Bag for more.
the less yivacious or less serviceable to their fabrica
tors for having been refuted and disproved a thousand PREFACE TO THE FOURTEENTH times over: they are brought forward again, as good EDITION.
as new, whenever malice or stupidity is in want of them, and are as useful as the old broken lantern, in
Fielding's Amelia, which the watchman always keeps
ready by him, to produce, in proof of riot, against his In the absence of Mr. Brown, who is at present on victims. I shall therefore give up the fruitless toil of a tour through , I feel myself called upon, as vindication, and would even draw my pen over what his friend, to notice certain misconceptions and mis- I have already written, had I not promised to furnish representations, to which this little volume of Trifies the Publisher with a Preface, and know not how else has given rise.
I could contrive to eke it out. In the first place, it is not true that Mr. Brown has I have added two or three more trifles to this edi. had any accomplices in the work. A note, indeed, tion, which I found in the Morning Chronicle, and which has hitherto accompanied his Preface, may knew to be from the pen of my friend.' The rest of very naturally have been the origin of such a supposi- the volume remains in its originai state. tion; but that note, which was merely the coquetry April 20, 1814. of an author, I have, in the present edition, taken upon myself to remove, and Mr. Brown must there- INTERCEPTED LETTERS, ETC. fore be considered (like the mother of that unique production, the Centaur, Movx x 20 Novou) as alone responsible for the whole contents of the volume.
LETTER I. In the next place it has been said, that in conse
FROM THE PR-NC-SS CH-E OF W-S TO quence of this graceless little book, a certain distinguished Personage prevailed upon another distin
THE LADY BRB-A A-SHL-7.3 guished Personage to withdraw from the author that My dear Lady Bab, you'll be shock’d, I'm afraid, notice and kindness, with which he had so long and When you hear the sad rumpus your ponies have so liberally honoured him. There is not one syllable made; of truth in this story. For the magnanimity of the Since the time of horse-consuls (now long out of date) former of these persons I would, indeed, in no case, No nags ever made such a stir in the State! answer too rashly; but of the conduct of the latter to- Lord Eld-n first heard—and as instantly pray'd he wards my friend, I have a proud gratification in de- To God and his King—that a Popish young lady claring, that it has never ceased to be such as he must (For though you've bright eyes, and twelve thousand remember with indelible gratitude;—a gratitude the
a year, more cheerfully and warmly paid, from its not being It is still but too true you're a Papist, my dear) a debt incurred solely on his own account, but for Had insidiously sent, by a tall Irish groom, kindness shared with those nearest and dearest to him. Two priest-ridden ponies, just landed from Rome,
To the charge of being an Irishman, poor Mr. Brown pleads guilty; and I believe it must also be That the dome of St. Paul's was scarce safe from
And so full, little rogues, of pontifical tricks, acknowledged that he comes of a Roman Catholic
their kicks! family: an avowal which, I am aware, is decisive of his utter reprobation in the eyes of those exclusive Off at once to papa, in a furry, he fliespatentees of Christianity, so worthy to have been the For papa always does what these statesmen advise, followers of a certain enlightened Bishop, Donatus,? On condition that they'll be, in turn, so polite who held "that God is in Africa, and not elsewhere.” As in no case whate'er to advise him too rightBut from all this it does not necessarily follow that
1 The Trifles here alluded to, and others, which have Mr. Brown is a Papist; and, indeed, I have the since appeared, will be found in this edition. -- Publisher. strongest reasons for suspecting that they who say so ? A new reading has been suggested in the original of the are totally mistaken. Not that I presume to have as- line "Sive per Syrteis iter æstuosas,” it is proposed, by a
Ode of Horace, freely translated by Lord ELD-N. In the certained his opinions upon such subjects; all I know very trifling alteration, to read "Surtees" instead of "Syrof his orthodoxy is, that he has a Protestant wife and teis," which brings the Ode, it is said, more home to the two or three little Protestant children, and that he noble Translator, and gives a peculiar force and aptness to
the epithet “æstuosas." I merely throw out this emenda
tion for the learned, being unable myself to decide upon its 1 Pindar, Pyth, 2.— My friend certainly cannot add out' merits. Εν ανδρασι γερασφόρον.
3 This young Lady, who is a Roman Catholic has lately 2 Bishop of Casze Nigræ, in the fourth century. made a present of some beautiful ponies to the A-nc-88
“Pretty doings are here, sir, (he angrily cries, While by dint of dark eyebrows he strives to look
wise,) 'Tis a scheme of the Romanists, so help me God! To ride over your most Royal Highness rough-shodExcuse, sir, my tears, they're from loyalty's source Bad enough 'twas for Troy to be sack'd by a Horse, But for us to be ruin'd by Ponies, still worse !" Quick a council is call'd—the whole cabinet sits The Archbishops declare, frighten'd out of their wits, That if vile Popish ponies should eat at my manger, From that awful moment the Church is in danger! As, give them but stabling, and shortly no stalls Will suit their proud stomachs but those of St. Paul's. The Doctor, and he, the devout man of Leather, V-ns—tt-t, now laying their saint-heads together, Declare that these skittish young a-bominations Are clearly foretold in chap. vi. RevelationsNay, they verily think they could point out the one Which the Doctor's friend Death was to canter upon! Lord H~rr—by, hoping that no one imputes To the Court any fancy to persecute brutes, Protests, on the word of himself and his cronies, That had these said creatures been Asses, not Ponies, The court would have started no sort of objection, As Asses were, there, always sure of protection. “If the Pr-nc-ss will keep them (says Lord C-stl-r-gh,) To make them quite harmless the only true way Is (as certain Chief-Justices do with their wives) To flog them within half an inch of their lives If they've any bad Irish blood lurking about, This (he knew by experience) would soon draw it out." Or-if this be thought cruel—his Lordship proposes 146 The new Veto-snaffle to bind down their nosesA pretty contrivance, made out of old chains, Which appears to indulge, while it doubly restrains ; Which, however high-mettled, their gamesomeness
checks (Adds his Lordship, humanely,) or else breaks their
necks!" This proposal received pretty general applause From the statesmen around-and the neck-breaking
clause Had a vigour about it, which soon reconciled Even Eld—n himself to a measure so mild. So the snaffles, my dear, were agreed to nem. con., And my Lord C-sl-r-gh, having so often shone In the fettering line, is to buckle them on. I shall drive to your door in these Vetos some day, But, at present, adieu !-I must hurry away To go see my mamma, as I'm suffered to meet her For just half an hour by the Qu-n's best repeater.
Wherein-as plain as man can speak,
But, to your work's immortal credit,
morn he look'd it through During that awful hour or two Of grave tonsorial preparation, Which, to a fond admiring nation, Sends forth, announced by trump and drum, The best-wigg'd P-e in Christendom! He thinks, with you, the imagination Of partnership in legislation Could only enter in the noddles Of dull and ledger-keeping twaddles, Whose heads on firms are running so, They even must have a King and Co. And hence, too, eloquently show forth On checks and balances, and so forth. But now, he trusts, we are coming near a Better and more royal era ; When England's monarch need but say, “Whip me those scoundrels, C—stl—r-gh!" Or—"hang me up those Papists, Eld-n," And 't will be done-ay, faith, and well done. With view to which, I've his command To beg, sir, from your travell'd hand (Round which the foreign graces swarm) A plan of radical reform; Compiled and chosen, as best you can, In Turkey or at Ispahan, And quite upturning, branch and root, Lords, Commons, and Burdett to boot ! But, pray, whate'er you may impart, write Somewhat more brief than Major C—rtwr-ght: Else, though the P-e be long in rigging, 'Twould take, at least, a fortnight's wigging, Two wigs to every paragraph, Before he well could get through half. You'll send it, also, speedilyAs, truth to say, 'twixt you and me, His Highness, heated by your work, Already thinks himself Grand Turk! And you'd have laugh’d, had you seen how He scared the Ch-nc-11-r just now, When (on his Lordship's entering puff'd) he Slapp'd his back and call'd him “Mufti !” The tailors, too, have got commands To put directly into hands
FROM COLONEL M'M-H-N TO G-LD FR-NC-S
1 See the Edinburgh Review, No. xl.
All sorts of dulimans and pouches,
The dinner, you know, was in gay celebration With sashes, turbans, and pabouches
Of my brilliant triumph and H-nt's condemnation; (While Y-rm-th's sketching out a plan A compliment too to his Lordship the Je Of new moustaches a l'Ottomane,)
For his speech to the J—y,—and zounds ! who would And all things fitting and expedient
grudge To Turkify our gracious R-g-nt!
Turtle-soup, though it came to five guineas a bowl,
To reward such a loyal and complaisant soul? You therefore have no time to waste
We were all in high gig-Roman Punch and Tokay So send your system.
Travell'd round, till our heads travell'd just the same Your's, in haste.
And we cared not for Juries or Libels-no-dam'me! POSTSCRIPT. Before I send this scrawl away,
Even for the threats of last Sunday's Examiner ! I seize a moment, just to say There's some parts of the Turkish system
More good things were eaten than said—but Tom
In quoting Joe Miller, you know, has some merit, Your Turk, whom girlish fondness flatters,
And, hearing the sturdy Justiciary Chief Would fill his Haram (tasteless fool!)
Say-sated with turtle—“I'll now try the beef”– With tittering, red-cheek'd things from school " I fear 't will be hung-beef, my Lord, if you try it!"
Tommy whisper'd him (giving his Lordship a sly hit) But here (as in that fairy land, Where Love and Age went hand in hand ;' And C-MD-N was there, who, that morning, had Where lips till sixty shed no honey,
gone And Grandams were worth any money) To fit his new Marquis's coronet on; Our Sultan has much riper notions
And the dish set before him-oh dish well-devised !So, let your list of she-promotions
Was, what old Mother GLASSE calls," a calf's head Include those only, plump and sage,
surprised !” Who've reached the regulation-age;
The brains were near and once they'd been fine, That is—as near as one can fix
But of late they had lain so long soaking in wine From Peerage dates-full fifty-six.
That, however we still might in courtesy call
Them a fine dish of brains, they were no brains at all. This rule 's for fav’rites—nothing more For, as to wives, a Grand Signor,
When the dinner was over, we drank, every one Though not decidely without them,
In bumper, " the venial delights of Crim. Con." Need never care one curse about them! At which H-D-T with warm reminiscences gloated,
And E-B’R-chuckled to hear himself quoted.
Our next round of toasts was a fancy quite new, LETTER III.
For we drank—and you'll own't was benevolent too
To those well-meaning husbands, cits, parsons, or FROM G. R. TO THE E-OF Y?
peers, We miss'd you last night at the “hoary old sinner's,"Whom we've any time honour'd by kissing their dears; Who gave us, as usual, the cream of good dinners- This museum of wittols was comical rather; His soups scientific-his fishes quite prime Old H-D-t gave M-Y, and I gave His patés superb-and his cutlets sublime! In short, 'twas the snug sort of dinner to stir a
In short, not a soul till this morning would budge
We were all fun and frolic !-and even the J—E Stomachic orgasm in my Lord E -GH, Who set-to, to be sure, with miraculous force,
Laid aside, for the time, his juridical fashion, And exclaim'd, between mouthfuls,“ a He-cook, of And through the whole night was not once in a passion! course!
I write this in bed, while my whiskers are airing, While you live-(what's there under that cover ? And Mớc has a sly dose of jalap preparing
For poor T-MMY T-RR-T at breakfast to quaffWhile you live-I'll just taste it),ne'er keep a She-As I feel I want something to give me a laugh,
cook. 'T is a sound Salic law—(a small bit of that toast) - To his Cornwall accounts, after taking a dose !
And there's nothing so good as old T—MMY, kept close Which ordains that a female shall ne'er rule the roast; For Cookery's a secret-(this turtle 's uncommon) Like Masonry, never found out by a woman!"
LETTER IV. 1 The learned Colonel must allude here to a description of the Mysterious Isle, in the History of Abdalla, Son of FROM THE RIGHT HON. P-TR-CK D-G-N-N TO Hanif, where such inversions of the order of nature are said
THE RIGHT HON, SIR J-HN N-CH-L. to have taken place.-"A score of old women and the same
Dublin.1 number of old men, played here and there in the court, some at chuck-farthing, others at tip-cat or at cockles."-And Last week, dear N-CH-L, making merry those lovely wrinkles," etc. etc.-See Tales of the East, At dinner with our Secretary, vol. iii. pp. 607, 608. 2 This letter, as the reader will perceive, was written the
1 This letter, which contained some very heavy inclosures, day after a dinner, given by the M of H-d-t. seems to have been sent to London by a private hand, and
pray, look) —