book she loves you: wart above your eye? Have not your worship a | money for thee; let me have thy voice in my behalf: - if thou seest her before me, commend me — Fent. Yes, marry, have I; what of that? Quick. Well, thereby hangs a tale; - good faith, it is such another Nan; ;-but, I detest 4, an honest maid as ever broke bread: — We had an hour's talk of that wart; I shall never laugh but in that maid's company! - But, indeed, she is given too much to allicholly 5 and musing: But for you Well, go to. Fent. Well, I shall see her to-day: Hold, there's Quick. Will I? i'faith, that we will: and I will tell your worship more of the wart, the next time we have confidence; and of other wooers. Fent. Well, farewell; I am in great haste now. [Exit. Truly, an Quick. Farewell to your worship. honest gentleman; but Anne loves him not: for I krow Anne's mind as well as another does: - Out upon't! what have I forgot? [Exit. ACT II. Enter Mistress PAGE, with a letter. Mrs. Page. What! have I 'scaped love-letters in the holy-day time of my beauty, and am I now a subject for them? Let me see : [Reads. Ask me no reason why I love you; for though love use reason for his precisian, he admits him not for his counsellor: You are not young, no more am I: go to then, there's sympathy: you are merry, so am I; Ha! ha! then there's more sympathy: you love sack, and so do I; Would you desire better sympathy? Let it suffice thee, mistress Page, (at the least, if the love of a soldier can suffice,) that I love thee. I will not say, pity me, 'tis not a soldierlike phrase; but I say, love me. By me, O wicked, wicked world! one that is well nigh worn to pieces with age, to show himself a young gallant! What unweighed behaviour hath this Flemish drunkard picked out of my conversation, that he dares in this manner assay me? Why, he hath not been thrice in my company!-What should I say to him?- I was then frugal of my mirth. Why, I'll exhibit a bill in the parliament for the putting down of men. How shall I be revenged on him? for revenged I will be. Mrs. Ford. If I would but go to hell for an eternal moment, I could be knighted. Mrs. Page. What? Sir Alice Ford! Mrs. Ford. We burn daylight: - here, read, read; - perceive how I might be knighted, — I shall think the worse of fat men, as long as I have yet he would not swear; praised women's modesty ; an eye to make difference of men's liking: And and gave such orderly and well-behaved reproof to all uncomeliness, that I would have sworn his disposition would have gone to the truth of his words: but they do no more adhere and keep place together, than the hundredth psalm to the tune of Green sleeves. What tempest, I trow, threw this whale, with so many tuns of oil in him, ashore at Windsor ? How shall I be revenged on him? I think, the best way were to entertain him with hope, till the wicked fire have melted him. - Did you ever hear the like? Mrs. Page. Letter for letter; but that the name of Page and Ford differs! - To thy great comfort in this mystery of ill opinions, here's the twin-brother of thy letter: but let thine inherit first; for, I protest, mine never shall. I warrant he hath a thousand of these letters writ with blank space for different names (sure more), and these are of the second edition: He will print them out of doubt. Mrs. Ford. Why this is the very same; the very hand, the very words: What doth he think of us? Mrs. Page. Nay, I know not: it makes me almost ready to wrangle with mine own honesty. I'll entertain myself like one that I am not acquainted withal; for, sure, unless he know some strain in me, that I know not myself, he would never have boarded me in this fury. Let's be revenged on of comfort in his suit: and lead him on with a finehim; let's appoint him a meeting; give him a show baited delay, till he hath pawn'd his horses to mine host of the Garter. Mrs. Ford. Nay, I will consent to act any villainy against him, that may not sully the chariness 7 of our honesty. O, that my husband saw this letter! it would give eternal food to his jealousy. Mrs. Page. Why, look, where he comes; and my good man too: he's as far from jealousy, as I am from giving him cause; and that, I hope, is an unmeasurable distance. Mrs. Ford. You are the happier woman. Mrs. Page. Let's consult together against this greasy knight: Come hither. [They retire. / Caution. Enter FORD, PISTOL, PAGE, and NYм. Ford. You heard what this knave told me; did you not? Ford. Well, I hope it be not so. Pist. Hope is a curtail dog in some affairs: Sir John affects thy wife. Ford. Why, sir, my wife is not young. Page. Yes; and you heard what the other told me? Ford. Do you think there is truth in them? Page. Hang 'em, slaves! I do not think the knight would offer it: but these that accuse him in his Pist. He wooes both high and low, both rich and intent towards our wives, are a yoke of his discarded : Nym. And this is true. [To PAGE.] I like not the humour of lying. He hath wronged me in some humours; I should have borne the humoured letter to her but I have a sword, and it shall bite upon my necessity. He loves your wife; there's the short and the long. My name is corporal Nym; I speak, and I avouch. 'Tis true: my name is Nym, and Falstaff loves your wife. - Adieu! I love not the humour of bread and cheese; and there's the humour of it. Adieu. [Exit NYM. Page. The humour of it, quoth 'a! here's a fellow frights humour out of his wits. Ford. I will seek out Falstaff. men; very rogues, now they be out of service. Ford. Were they his men? Page. Marry, were they. Ford. I like it never the better for that. · Does he lie at the Garter? Page. Ay, marry, does he. If he should intend this voyage towards my wife, I would turn her loose to him; and what he gets more of her than sharp words, let it lie on my head. be loth to turn them together: A man may be too Ford. I do not misdoubt my wife; but I would confident: I would have nothing lie on my head: I cannot be thus satisfied. Page. Look, where my ranting host of the Garter comes: there is either liquor in his pate, or money in his purse, when he looks so merrily.- How how, mine host? Page. I never heard such a drawling, affecting you. rogue. Host. What say'st thou, bully-rook? [They go aside. Shal. Will you [to PAGE] go with us to behold it my merry host hath had the measuring of their weapons; and, I think, he hath appointed them contrary places: for, believe me, I hear, the parson is no jester. Hark, I will tell you what our sport shall be. Host. Hast thou no suit against my knight, my guest-cavalier? Ford. None, I protest: but I'll give you a pottle of burnt sack to give me recourse to him, and tell him, my name is Brook; only for a jest. Host. My hand, bully: thou shalt have egress and regress; said I well? and thy name shall be Brook: It is a merry night. - Will you go on, hearts? Shal. Have with you, mine host. Page. I have heard the Frenchman hath good skill in his rapier. Shal. Tut, sir, I could have told you more! In stoccadoes, and I know not what: 'tis the heart, these times you stand on distance, your passes, time, with my long sword, I would have made you master Page; 'tis here, 'tis here. I have seen the four tall fellows skip like rats. Host. Here, boys, here, here! shall we wag? Page. Have with you: -I had rather hear themn scold than fight. [Exeunt HOST, SHALLOW, and PAGE. Ford. Though Page be a secure fool, and stands so firmly on his wife's frailty, yet I cannot put off my opinion so easily: she was in his company at Page's house; and, what they made there, I know SCENE II. A Room in the Garter Inn. Fal. I will not lend thee a penny. Fal. Not a penny. I have been content, sir, you should lay my countenance to pawn; I have grated upon my good friends for three reprieves for you and your coach-fellow Nym; or else you had looked through the grate like a geminy of baboons. I am disgraced for swearing to gentlemen my friends, you were good soldiers, and tall fellows: and when mistress Bridget lost the handle of her fan, I took't upon mine honour, thou hadst it not. Pist. Didst thou not share? hadst thou not fifteen pence? Fal. Reason, you rogue, reason: Think'st thou, I'll endanger my soul gratis? At a word, hang no more about me, I am no gibbet for you: -go. A short knife and a throng 5: -to your manor of Pickt-hatch 6, go. You'll not bear a letter for me, you rogue!—you stand upon your honour!Why, thou unconfinable baseness, it is as much as I can do, to keep the terms of my honour precise. I, I, I myself sometimes, leaving the fear of heaven on the left hand, and hiding mine honour in my necessity, am fain to shuffle, to hedge, and to lurch; and yet you, rogue, will ensconce 7 your rags, your cat-a-mountain looks, your red-lattice phrases, and your bold-beating oaths, under the shelter of your honour! You will not do it, you? Pist. I do relent: what would'st thou more of man? Enter ROBIN. - Quick. Why, sir, she's a good creature; but your worship's a wanton: Well, heaven forgive you, and all of us, I pray! Fal. Mistress Ford; come, mistress Ford, Quick. Marry, this is the short and the long of it; you have brought her into such a canaries 9, as 'tis wonderful. The best courtier of them all, when the court lay at Windsor, could never have brought her to such a canary. Yet there has been knights, and lords, and gentlemen, with their coaches; I warrant you, coach after coach, letter after letter, gift after gift; smelling so sweetly (all musk), and so rushling, I warrant you, in silk and gold; and in such alligant terms; and in such wine and sugar of the best and the fairest, that would have won any woman's heart; and, I warrant you, they could never get an eye-wink of her. — I had myself twenty angels given me this morning: but I defy all angels, (in any such sort, as they say,) but in the way of honesty: - and, I warrant you, they could never get her so much as sip on a cup with the proudest of them all; and yet there has been earls, nay, which is more, pensioners; but, I warrant you, all is one with her. - Fal. But what says slie to me? be brief, my good she-Mercury. Quick. Marry, she hath received your letter; for the which she thanks you a thousand times; and she gives you to notify, that her husband will be absence from his house between ten and eleven. Fal. Ten and eleven? Quick. Ay, forsooth; and then you may come and see the picture, she says that you wot of; — master Ford, her husband, will be from home. Alas! the sweet woman leads an ill life with him; he's a very jealousy man; she leads a very frampold life with him, good heart. Fal. Ten and eleven: Woman, commend me to her; I will not fail her. Quick. Why, you say well: But I have another messenger to your worship: Mistress Page hath her - and let me hearty commendations to you too; Rob. Sir, here's a woman would speak with you. tell you in your ear, she's as fartuous a civil modest Fal. Let her approach. Enter Mrs. QUICKLY. Quick. Give your worship good-morrow. Fal. Good-morrow, good wife. Quick. Not so, an't please your worship. Fal. Good maid, then, wife, and one (I tell you) that will not miss your morning nor evening prayer, as any is in Windsor, whoe'er be the other: and she bade me tell your worship, that her husband is seldom from home; but, she hopes, there will come a time. I never knew a woman so dote upon a man; surely, I think Quick. I'll be sworn; as my mother was, the you have charms, la; yes, in truth. first hour I was born. Fal. I do believe the swearer: What with me? Quick. Shall I vouchsafe your worship a word or two? Fal. Two thousand, fair woman; and I'll vouchsafe thee the hearing. Quick. There is one mistress Ford, sir;-I pray, come a little nearer this ways; I myself dwell with master doctor Caius. Fal. Not I, I assure thee; setting the attraction of my good parts aside, I have no other charms. Quick. Blessing on your heart for't! Fal. But, I pray thee, tell me this: has Ford's wife, and Page's wife, acquainted each other how they love me? Quick. That were a jest, indeed! - they have not so little grace, I hope: - that were a trick, indeed! But mistress Page would desire you to send her your little Page, of all loves3; her husband has a marvellous infection to the little page: and, truly, master Page is an honest man. Never a wife in Windsor leads a better life than she does; do what she will, say what she will, take all, pay all, all is as she will; and, truly, she deserves it: for if there be a kind woman in Windsor, she is one. You must send her your Page; no remedy. Fal. Fare thee well: commend me to them both: there's my purse; I am yet thy debtor. — Boy, go along with this woman. - This news distracts me. [Exeunt QUICKLY and ROBIN. Pist. This is one of Cupid's carriers: Clap on more sails; pursue, up with your fights; Give fire; she is my prize, or ocean whelm them all! [Exit PISTOL. Fal. Say'st thou so, old Jack? go thy ways; I'll make more of thy old body than I have done. Will they yet look after thee? Wilt thou, after the expence of so much money, be now a gainer? Fal. Call him in. [Exit BARDOLPH.] Such Brooks are welcome to me, that o'erflow such register of your own; that I may pass with a reproof the easier, sith you yourself know, how easy it is to be such an offender. Fal. Very well, sir; proceed. Ford. There is a gentlewoman in this town, her husband's name is Ford. Fal. Well, sir. Ford. I have long loved her, and, I protest to you, bestowed much on her; followed her with a doting observance; engrossed opportunities to meet her; fee'd every slight occasion, that could but niggardly give me sight of her; not only bought many presents to give her, but have given largely to many, to know what she would have given : briefly, I have pursued her, as love hath pursued me; which hath been, on the wing of all occasions. But whatsoever I have merited, either in my mind, or in my means, meed, I am sure, I have received none; unless experience be a jewel: that I have purchas'd at an infinite rate; and that hath taught me to say this: Love like a shadow flies, when substance love pursues ; Pursuing that that flies, and flying what pursues. tion at her hands? Fal. Have you received no promise of satisfac Ford. Never. Fal. Have you importun'd her to such a purpose? Fal. Of what quality was your love then? liquor. Ah! ha! mistress Ford and mistress Page, man's ground; so that I have lost my edifice, by have I encompassed you? go to ; via! 5 Re-enter BARDOLPH, with FORD disguised. Ford. Bless you, sir. Fal. And you, sir: Would you speak with me? Ford. I make bold, to press with so little preparation upon you. Fal. You're welcome; What's your will? Give us leave, drawer. [Exit BARDOLPH. Ford. Sir, I am a gentleman that have spent much; my name is Brook. Fal. Good master Brook, I desire more acquaintance of you. Ford. Good sir John, I sue for yours: not to charge you; for I must let you understand, I think myself in better plight for a lender than you are: the which hath something embolden'd me to this unseason'd intrusion: for they say, if money go before, all ways do lie open. Fal. Money is a good soldier, sir, and will on. Ford. Troth, and I have a bag of money here troubles me if you will help me to bear it, sir John, take all, or half, for easing me of the carriage. Fal. Sir, I know not how I may deserve to be your porter. Ford. I will tell you, sir, if you will give me the hearing. Fal. Speak, good master Brook; I shall be glad to be your servant. I Ford. Sir, I hear you are a scholar, I will be brief with you; and you have been a man long known to me, though I had never so good means, as desire, to make myself acquainted with you. shall discover a thing to you, wherein I must very much lay open mine own imperfection: but, good sir John, as you have one eye upon my follies, as you hear them unfolded, turn another into the mistaking the place where I erected it. Fal. To what purpose have you unfolded this to me? Ford. When I have told you that, I have told you all. Some say, that, though she appear honest to me, yet, in other places, she enlargeth her mirth so far, that there is shrewd construction made of her. Now, sir John, here is the heart of my purpose: You are a gentleman of excellent breeding, admirable discourse, of great admittance 7, authentic in your place and person, generally allowed 8 for your many warlike, courtlike, and learned preparations. Fal. O, sir! Ford. Believe it, for you know it. money; spend it, spend it; spend more; spend all I have; only give me so much of your time in exchange of it, as to lay an amiable siege to the honesty of this Ford wife: use your art of wooing, win her to consent to you; if any man may, you may as soon as any. Fal. Would it apply well to the vehemency of your affection, that I should win what you would enjoy? Methinks you prescribe to yourself very preposterously. Ford. O, understand my drift! she dwells so securely on the excellency of her honour, that the folly of my soul dares not present itself; she is too bright to be looked against. Now, could I come to her with any detection in my hand, my desires had instance and argument to commend themselves; I could drive her then from the ward of her purity, her reputation, her marriage-vow, and a thousand other her defences, which now are too strongly embattled against me: What say you to't, sir John? Fal. Master Brook, I will first make bold with your money; next, give me your hand; and last, as I am a gentleman, you shall, if you will, have Ford's wife. Fal. Want no mistress Ford, master Brook, you shall want none. I shall be with her (I may tell you) by her own appointment; even as you came in to me, her assistant, or go-between, parted from me: I say, I shall be with her between ten and eleven; for at that time the jealous rascally knave, her husband, will be forth. Come you to me at night; you shall know how I speed. Ford. I am blest in your acquaintance. Do you know Ford, sir? Fal. Hang him, poor knave! I know him not: -yet I wrong him to call him poor; they say, the jealous knave hath masses of money; for the which his wife seems to me well-favoured. I will use her as the key of the rogue's coffer; and there's my harvest-home. Ford. I would you knew Ford, sir; that you might avoid him, if you saw him. Fal. Hang him, mechanical salt-butter rogue! I will stare him out of his wits; I will awe him with my cudgel: it shall hang like a meteor o'er his horns: master Brook, thou shalt know, I will predominate o'er the peasant, and thou shalt have his wife. Come to me soon at night: - Ford's a knave, and I will aggravate his stile 9; thou, master Brook, shalt know him for a knave and cuckold: · -come to me soon at night. [Exit. Ford. What an Epicurean rascal is this! My heart is ready to crack with impatience. Who says this is improvident jealousy? My wife hath sent to him, the hour is fixed, the match is made. Would any man have thought this? See the curse of having a false woman! my bed shall be abused, my coffers ransacked, my reputation gnawn at; and I shall not only receive this villainous wrong, but stand under the adoption of abominable terms, and by him that does me this wrong. Page is an ass, a secure ass; he will trust his wife, he will not be jealous: I will rather trust a Fleming with my butter, parson Hugh the Welshman with my cheese, an Irishman with my aqua-vitæ bottle, or a thief to walk my ambling gelding, than my wife with herself: then she plots, then she ruminates, then she devises: and what they think in their hearts they may effect, they will break their hearts but they will effect. Heaven be praised for my jealousy! Eleven o'clock the hour; I will prevent this, detect my wife, be revenged on Falstaff, and laugh at Page. I will about it; better three hours too soon, than a minute too late. Fie, fie, fie! cuckold! cuckold! cuckold! SCENE III. [Exit. Windsor Park. Rug. He is wise, sir; he knew, your worship would kill him, if he came. Caius. By gar, de herring is no dead, so as I vill kill him. Take your rapier, Jack; I vill tell you how I vill kill him. Rug. Alas, sir, I cannot fence. Enter HOST, SHALLOW, SLENDER, and PAGE. Caius. Vat be all you, one, two, tree, four, come for. Host. To see thee fight, to see thee foin', to see thee traverse, to see thee here, to see thee there; to see thee pass thy punto, thy stock, thy reverse, thy distance, thy montánt.? Is he dead, my Ethiopian? is he dead, my Francisco? ha, bully! What says my Esculapius? my Galen? my heart of elder? ha! is he dead, bully Stale? is he dead? Caius. By gar, he is de coward Jack priest of the vorld; he is not show his face. Host. Thou art a Castilian king! a Hector of Greece, my boy! Caius. I pray you, bear vitness that me have stay six or seven, two, tree hours for him, and he is no come. Shal. He is the wiser man, master doctor: he is a curer of souls, and you a curer of bodies; if you should fight, you go against the hair of your professions: is it not true, master Page? Page. Master Shallow, you have yourself been a great fighter, though now a man of peace. Shal. Bodykins, master Page, though I now be old, and of the peace, if I see a sword out, my finger itches to make one: though we are justices, and doctors, and churchmen, master Page, we have some salt of our youth in us; we are the sons of women, master Page. Page. 'Tis true, master Shallow. Master I am Shal. It will be found so, master Page. doctor Caius, I am come to fetch you home. sworn of the peace; you have showed yourself a wise physician, and sir Hugh hath shown himself a wise and patient churchman: you must go with me, master doctor. Host. Pardon, guest justice : · A word, monsieur. Caius. Scurvy Jack-dog priest! by gar, me vill cut his ears. Host. He will clapper-claw thee tightly, bully. Caius. Clapper-de-claw! vat is dat? Host. That is, he will make thee amends. Caius. By gar, me do look, he shall clapper-declaw me; for by gar, me vill have it. Host. And I will provoke him to't, or let him wag. Caius. Me tank you for dat. Host. And moreover, bully, But first, master guest, and master Page, and eke cavalero Slender, go you through the town to Frogmore. [Aside to them. Page. Sir Hugh is there, is he? Host. He is there: see what humour he is in ; and I will bring the doctor about by the fields: will it do well? |