THE NEW COSTUME OF THE MINISTERS.
"Nova monstra creavit."-Ovid, Metamorph., 1. i. v. 437
HAVING sent off the troops of brave Major Camac,
With a swinging horse-tail at each valorous back,
And such helmets, oh, bless you! as never deck'd any
Male creature before, except Signor Giovanni-
"Let's see," said the R-g-t, (like Titus perplex'd
With the duties of empire,) "whom shall I dress next?"
He looks in the glass-but perfection is there,
Wig, whiskers, and chin-tufts all right to a hair;
Not a single ex-curl on his forehead he traces-
For curls are, like Ministers, strange as the case is,
The falser they are, the more firm in their places.
His coat he next views-but the coat who could doubt?
For his Y-rm-th's own Frenchified hand cut it out;
Every pucker and seam were made matters of state,
And a grand household council was held on each plate!
Then whom shall he dress? shall he new rig his brother,
Great C-mb-rl-d's Duke, with some kickshaw or other?
And kindly invent him more Christian-like shapes
For his feather-bed neckcloths and pillory capes?
Ah, no-here his ardour would meet with delays,
For the Duke had been lately pack'd up in new stays,
So complete for the winter, he saw very plain
'Twould be fearful hard work to unpack him again!
So what's to be done?-there's the Ministers, bless 'em!-
As he made the puppets, why shouldn't he dress 'em?
"An excellent thought!-call the tailors-be nimble-
Let Cum bring his spy-glass, and H-rtf-d her thimble;
While Y-rm-th shall give us, in spite of all quizzers,
The last Paris cut with his true Gallie scissors."
So saying, he calls C-stl-r-gh, and the rest
Of his heaven-born statesmen, to come and be drest;
While Y-rm-th, with snip-like and brisk expedition,
Cuts up, all at once, a large Cath❜lic petition
In long tailors' measures, (the P-e crying "Well-done!")
And first puts in hand my Lord Chancellor Eld-n.
* That model of princes, the Emperor Commodus, was particularly luxurious in the dressing and ornamenting of his hair. His conscience, however, would not suffer him to trust himself with a barber, and he used accordingly to burn off his beard-"timore tonsoris," says Lampridius. The dissolute Ælius Verus, too, was equally attentive to the decoration of his wig. Indeed, this was not the only princely trait in the character of Verus, as he had likewise a most hearty and dignified contempt for his wife.
FOR THE OPENING OF THE NEW THEATRE OF ST S-PH-N'S.
(Intended to have been spoken by the Proprietor in full costume, on the 24th of November.)
THIS day a New House, for your edification,
We open, most thinking and right-headed nation!
Excuse the materials-though rotten and bad,
They're the best that for money just now could be had;
And if echo the charm of such houses should be,
You will find it shall echo my speech to a T.
As for actors, we've got the old Company yet,
The same motley, odd, tragi-comical set;
And consid'ring they all were but clerks t' other day,
It is truly surprising how well they can play.
Our Manager, (he who in Ulster was nurst,
And sung Erin-go-Bragh for the galleries first,
But, on finding Pitt-interest a much better thing,
Changed his note of a sudden, to God save the King !)
Still wise as he's blooming, and fat as he's clever,
Himself and his speeches as lengthy as ever,
Here offers you still the full use of his breath,
Your devoted and long-winded proser till death!
You remember last season, when things went perverse on,
We had to engage (as a block to rehearse on)
One Mr V-ns-tt-t, a good sort of person,
Who's also employ'd for this season to play,
In "Raising the Wind," and "The Devil to Pay."
We expect, too-at least we've been plotting and planning
To get that great actor from Liverpool, C-nn-ng;
And, as at the circus there's nothing attracts
Like a good single combat brought in 'twixt the acts,
If the Manager should, with the help of Sir P-ph-m,
Get up new diversions, and C-nn-ng should stop 'em,
Who knows but we'll have to announce in the papers,
"Grand fight!-second time-with additional capers?"
Be your taste for the ludicrous, humdrum, or sad,
There is plenty of each in this House to be had;
Where our Manager ruleth, there weeping will be,
For a dead hand at tragedy always was he;
And there never was dealer in dagger and cup
Who so smilingly got all his tragedies up.
His powers poor Ireland will never forget,
And the widows of Walcheren weep o'er them yet.
So much for the actors-for secret machinery,
Traps, and deceptions, and shifting of scenery,
Y-rm-th and Cum are the best we can find,
To transact all that trickery business behind.
The former's employed too to teach us French jigs,
Keep the whiskers in curl, and look after the wigs.
In taking my leave now, I've only to say
A few seats in the House, not as yet sold away,
May be had of the Manager, Pat C-stl-r-gh.
"Instrumenta regni."-Tacitus.
HERE's a choice set of tools for you, Ge'men and Ladies,
They'll fit you quite handy, whatever your trade is,
(Except it be Cabinet-making-I doubt
In that delicate service they 're rather worn out;
Though their owner, bright youth! if he'd had his own will,
Would have bungled away with them joyously still;)
You can see they've been pretty well hack'd—and, alack!
What tool is there job after job will not hack?
Their edge is but dullish, it must be confess'd,
And their temper, like Ell-nb'r-h's, none of the best,
But you'll find them good hard-working tools, upon trying,
Were 't but for their brass, they are well worth the buying;
They 're famous for making blinds, sliders, and screens,
And they're, some of them, excellent turning machines!
The first tool I'll put up (they call it a Chancellor,)
Heavy concern to both purchaser and seller-
Though made of pig iron, yet worthy of note 'tis,
'Tis ready to melt at a half minute's notice.
Who bids?-Gentle buyer! 'twill turn as thou shapest-
'Twill make a good thumb-screw to torture a Papist;
Or else a cramp-iron, to stick in the wall
Of some church that old women are fearful will fall;
Or better, perhaps, (for I'm guessing at random,)
A heavy drag-chain for some lawyer's old tandem!
Will nobody bid?—It is cheap, I am sure, Sir-
Once, twice, going, going, thrice, gone !—it is yours, Sir.
To pay ready money you shan't be distrest,
As a bill at long date suits the Chancellor best.
Come, where's the next tool?-Oh! 'tis here in a trice-
This implement, Ge'men, at first was a Vice,
(A tenacious and close sort of tool, that will let
Nothing out of its grasp it once happens to get,)
But it since has received a new coating of Tin,
Bright enough for a Prince to behold himself in!
Come, what shall we say for it? briskly! bid on,
We'll the sooner get rid of it-going-quite gone!
For be sure that such tools, if not quickly knock'd down,
Might at last cost their owner-how much? why, a Crown!
The next tool I'll set up has hardly had hansel or
Trial as yet, and is also a Chancellor-
Such dull things as these should be sold by the gross;
Yet, dull as it is, 'twill be found to shave close,
And like other close shavers, some courage to gather,
This blade first began by a flourish on leather!
You shall have it for nothing-then, marvel with me
At the terrible tinkering work there must be,
Where a tool such as this is (I'll leave you to judge it)
Is placed by ill luck at the top of the Budget!
M.P.; OR, THE BLUE-STOCKING.
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