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From the best temper'd courage in his troops:
That arrows fled not swifter toward their aim,
Too soon ta'en prisoner: and that furious Scot, The bloody Douglas, whose well-labouring sword [king, Had three times slain the appearance of the 'Gan vail his stomach, and did grace the shame [flight, Of those that turn'd their backs; and, in his Stumbling in fear, was took. The sum of all Is, that the king hath won; and hath sent out A speedy power to encounter you, my lord, Under the conduct of young Lancaster, And Westmoreland: this is the news at full. North. For this I shall have time enough to
In poison there is physic; and these news,
Like strengthless hinges, buckle under life,
Are thrice themselves: hence therefore, thou nicet crutch;
A scaly gauntlet now, with joints of steel, Must glove this hand and hence, thou sickly quoif,t
Thou art a guard too wanton for the head, Which princes, flesh'd with conquest, aim to hit.
Now bind my brows with iron; and approach The ragged'st hour that time and spite dare bring,
To frown upon the enrag'd Northumberland! Let heaven kiss earth! Now let not nature's
Of wounds, and scars; and that his forward spirits [rang'd; Would lift him where most trade of danger Yet did you say,-Go forth; and none of this, Though strongly apprehended, could restrain The stiff-borne action: What hath then befallen,
Or what hath this bold enterprize brought forth, More than that being which was like to be?
Bard. We all, that are engaged to this loss,
I hear for certain, and do speak the truth,-
Fal. Men of all sorts take a pride to gird|| at me: The brain of this foolish-compounded clay, man, is not able to vent any thing that tends to laughter, more than I invent, or is invented on me: I am not only witty in myself, but the cause that wit is in other men. I do here walk before thee, like a sow, that hath overwhelmed all her litter but one. If the
prince put thee into my service for any other judgement. Thou whoreson mandrake,¶ thou reason than to set me off, why then I have no
art fitter to be worn in my cap, than to wait at my heels. I was never manned with an agate* till now: but I will set you neither in gold nor silver, but in vile apparel, and send you back again to your master, for a jewel; the juvenal, the prince your master, whose chin is not yet fledged. I will sooner have a beard grow in the palm of my hand, than he shall get one on his cheek; and yet he will not stick to say, his face is a face-royal: God may finish it when he will, it is not a hair amiss yet: he may keep it still as a face-royal, for a barber shall never earn sixpence out of it; and yet he will be crowing, as if he had writ man ever since his father was a bachelor. He may keep his own grace, but he is almost out of mine, I can assure him. What said master Dumbleton about the satin for my short cloak, and slops? Page. He said, Sir, you should procure him better assurance than Bardolph: he would not take his bond and yours; he liked not the security.
Ful. Let him be damned like a glutton! may his tongue be hotter!-A whoreson Achitophel! a rascally yea-forsooth knave! to bear a gentleman in hand, and then stand upon security! -The whoreson smooth-pates do now wear nothing but high shoes, and bunches of keys at their girdles; and if a man is thorought with them in honest taking up, then they must stand upon-security. I had as lief they would put ratsbane in my mouth, as offer to stop it with security. I looked he should have sent me two and twenty yards of satin, as I am a true knight, and he sends me security. Well, he may sleep in security; for he hath the horn of abundance, and the lightness of his wife shines through it and yet cannot he see, though he have his own lantern to light him.-- Where's Bardolph?
Page. He's gone into Smithfield, to buy your worship a horse.
Fal. I bought him in Paul's, and he'll buy me a horse in Smithfield: an I could get me but a wife in the stews, I were manned, horsed, and wived.t
Enter the LORD CHIEF JUSTICE, and an AT
Page. Sir, here comes the nobleman that committed the prince for stricking him about Bardolph.
Fal. Wait close, I will not see him, Ch. Just. What's he that goes there? Atten. Falstaff, an't please your lordship. Ch. Just. He that was in question for the robbery?
Atten. He, my lord: but he hath since done good service at Shrewsbury; and, as I hear, is now going with some charge to the lord John of Lancaster.
Ch. Just. What, to York? Call him back again.
Atten. Sir John Falstaff!
Fal. Boy, tell him, I am deaf.
Ch. Just. I am sure, he is, to the hearing of any thing good.-Go, pluck him by the elbow; I must speak with him.
Atten. Sir John,-Fal. What! a young knave, and beg! Is there not wars? is there not employment? Doth
A little figure cut in an agate. + In their debt. Alluding to an old proverb: Who goes to Westminster for a wife, to St. Paul's for a man, and to Smithfield for a horse, may meet with a whore, a knave, and a jade.
not the king lack subjects? do not the rebels need soldiers? Though it be a shame to be on any side but one, it is worse shame to beg than to be on the worst side, were it worse than the name of rebellion can tell how to make it.
Atten. You mistake me, Sir.
Ful. Why, Sir, did I say you were an honest man? setting my knighthood and my soldiership aside, I had lied in my throat if I had said so.
Atten. I pray you, Sir, then set your knighthood and your soldiership aside; and give me leave to tell you, you lie in your throat, if you say I am any other than an honest man.
Ful. I give thee leave to tell me so! I lay aside that which grows to me! If thou get'st any leave of me, hang me: if thou takest leave, thou wert better be hanged: You hunt-counter,+ hence! avaunt!
Atten. Sir, my lord would speak with you. Ch. Just. Sir John Falstaff, a word with you.
Fal. My good lord!-God give your lordship good time of day. I am glad to see your lordship abroad: I heard say, your lordship was sick: I hope, your lordship goes abroad by advice. Your lordship, though not clean past your youth, hath yet some smack of age in you, some relish of the saltness of time; and I most humbly beseech your lordship, to have a reverend care of your health.
Ch. Just. Sir John, I sent for you before your expedition to Shrewsbury.
Ful. An't please your lordship, I hear, his majesty is returned with some discomfort from Wales.
Ch. Just. I talk not of his majesty:-You would not come when I sent for you.
Fal. And I hear moreover, his highness is fallen into this same whoreson apoplexy. Ch. Just. Well, heaven mend him! I pray, let me speak with you.
Fal. This apoplexy is, as I take it, a kind of lethargy, an't please your lordship; a kind of sleeping in the blood, a whoreson tingling. Ch. Just. What tell you me of it? be it as it is.
Fal. It hath its original from much grief; from study, and perturbation of the brain: I have read the cause of his effects in Galen; it is a kind of deafness.
Ch. Just. I think, you are fallen into the disease; for you hear not what I say to you.
Fal. Very well, my lord, very well: rather, an't please you, it is the disease of not listening, the malady of not marking, that I am troubled withal.
Ch. Just. To punish you by the heels, would amend the attention of your ears; and I care not, if I do become your physician.
Fal. I am as poor as Job, my lord; but not so patient: your lordship may minister the potion of imprisonment to me, in respect of poverty; but how I should be your patient to follow your prescriptions, the wise may make some dram of a scruple, or, indeed, a scruple itself.
Ch. Just. I sent for you, when there were matters against you for your life, to come speak with me.
Ful. As I was then advised by my learned counsel in the laws of this land-service, I did
Ch. Just. Well, the truth is, Sir John, you live in great infamy.
A catch-pole, or bum-bailiff.
Fal. He that buckles him in my belt, cannot live in less.
Ch. Just. Your means are very slender, and your waste is great.
Fal. I would it were otherwise; I would my means were greater, and my waist slenderer. Ch. Just. You have misled the youthful prince.
Fal. The young prince hath misled me: I am the fellow with the great belly, and he my dog. Ch. Just. Well, I am loath to gall a newhealed wound; your day's service at Shrewsbury hath a little gilded over your night's exploit on Gads-hill: you may thank the unquiet time for your quiet o'er-posting that action. Fal. My lord?
Ch. Just. But since all is well, keep it so: wake not a sleeping wolf.
Fal. To wake a wolf, is as bad as to smell a fox.
Ch. Just. What! you are as a candle, the better part burnt out.
Fal. A wassel candle, my lord; all tallow: if I did say of wax, my growth would approve the truth.
Ch. Just. There is not a white hair on your face, but should have his effect of gravity.
Fal. His effect of gravy, gravy, gravy. Ch. Just. You follow the young prince up and down, like his ill angel.
Fal. Not so, my lord; your ill angel light; but, I hope, he that looks upon me, will take me without weighing: and yet, in some respects, I grant, I cannot go, I cannot tell: Virtue is of so little regard in these costermonger times, that true valour is turned bearherd: Pregnancy is made a tapster, and hath his quick wit wasted in giving reckonings: all the other gifts appertinent to man, as the malice of this age shapes them, are not worth a gooseberry. You, that are old, consider not the capacities of us that are young: you measure the heat of our livers with the bitterness of your galls: and we that are in the vaward||| of our youth, I must confess, are wags too.
Ch. Just. Do you set down your name in the scroll of youth, that are written down old with all the characters of age? Have you not a moist eye? a dry hand? a yellow cheek? a white beard? a decreasing leg? an increasing belly? Is not your voice broken? your wind short? your chin double? your wit single?¶ and every part about you blasted with antiquity?** and will you yet call yourself young? Fie, fie, fie, Sir John!
Fal. My lord, I was born about three of the clock in the afternoon, with a white head, and something a round belly. For my voice,-I have lost it with hollaing, and singing of anthems. To approve my youth further, I will not: the truth is, I am only old in judgement and understanding; and he that will caper with me for a thousand marks, let him lend me the money, and have at him. For the box o'the ear that the prince gave you,—he gave it like a rude prince, and you took it like a sensible lord. I have checked him for it; and the young lion repents: marry, not in ashes, and sackcloth; but in new silk, and old sack.
Ch. Just. Well, heaven send the prince a better companion!
Ful. Heaven send the companion a better prince! I cannot rid my hands of him.
Ch. Just. Well, the king hath severed you
A large candle for a feast. The coin called an angel ↑ Pass current.
Forepart. ¶ Small.
Readiness. **Old age.
and Prince Harry: I hear, you are going with lord John of Lancaster, against the archbishop, and the earl of Northumberland.
Fal. Yea; I thank your pretty sweet wit for it. But look you pray, all you that kiss my lady peace at home, that our armies join not in a hot day! for, by the Lord, I take but two shirts out with me, and I mean not to sweat extraordinarily: if it be a hot day, an I brandish any thing but my bottle, I would I might never spit white again. There is not a dangerous action can peep out his head, but I am thrust upon it: Well, I cannot last ever: But it was always yet the trick of our English nation, if they have a good thing, to make it too common. If you will needs say, I am an old man, you should give me rest. I would to God, my name were not so terrible to the enemy as it is. I were better to be eaten to death with rust, than to be scoured to nothing with perpetual motion.
Ch. Just. Well, be honest, be honest; And God bless your expedition!
Fal. Will your lordship lend me a thousand pound, to furnish me forth?
Ch. Just. Not a penny, not a penny; you are too impatient to bear crosses. Fare you well: Commend me to my cousin Westmoreland. [Exeunt CHIEF JUSTICE and ATTENDANT.
Fal. If I do, fillip me with a three-man beetle.-A man can no more separate age and covetousness, than he can part young limbs and lechery: but the gout galls the one, and the pox pinches the other; and so both the degrees prevent my curses.-Boy!Page. Sir?
Fal. What money is in my purse?
Fal. I can get no remedy against this consumption of the purse: borrowing only lingers and lingers it out, but the disease is incurable. -Go bear this letter to my lord of Lancaster; this to the prince; this to the earl of Westmoreland; and this to old mistress Ursula, whom I have weekly sworn to marry since I perceived the first white hair on my chin: About it; you know where to find me. [Exit PAGE.] A pox of this gout! or, a gout of this pox! for the one, or the other, plays the rogue with my great toe. It is no matter, if I do halt; I have the wars for my colour, and my pension shall seem the more reasonable: A good wit will make use of any thing; I will turn diseases to commodity. [Exit.
SCENE III.-York.-A Room in the Arch
Enter the ARCHBISHOP OF YORK, the Lords HASTINGS, MOWBRAY, and BARDOLPH.
Arch. Thus have you heard our cause, and
known our means;
And, my most noble friends, I pray you all, Speak plainly your opinions of our hopes:And first, lord marshal, what say you to it? Mowb. I well allow the occasion of our arms; But gladly would be better satisfied, [selves How, in our means, we should advance ourTo look with forehead bold and big enough Upon the power and puissance of the king.
Hast. Our present musters grow upon the file To five and twenty thousand men of choice; And our supplies live largely in the hope With an incensed fire of injuries. Of great Northumberland, whose bosom burns
* A large wooden hammer so heavy as to require three men to wield it. Profit. + Anticipate.
Bard. The question then, lord Hastings, standeth thus:
Whether our present five and twenty thousand May hold up head without Northumberland. Hast. With him, we may.
Bard. Ay, marry, there's the point: But if without him we be thought too feeble, My judgement is, we should not step too far Till we had his assistance by the hand: For, in a theme so bloody-fac'd as this, Conjecture, expectation, and surmise Of aids uncertain, should not be admitted. Arch. "Tis very true, lord Bardolph; for, indeed,
It was young Hotspur's case at Shrewsbury. Bard. It was, my lord; who lin'd himself with hope,
Eating the air on promise of supply,
To lay down likelihoods, and forms of hope.
We first survey the plot, then draw the model;
Gives o'er, and leaves his part created cost
Should be still-born, and that we now pos-
I think, we are a body strong enough,
Hast. To us, no more; nay, not so much, lord Bardolph.
For his divisions, as the times do brawl,
And one against Glendower; perforce, a third
Arch. That he should draw his several strengths together,
And come against us in full puissance,
And publish the occasion of our arms.
Hath he, that buildeth on the vulgar heart.
[be? Before he was what thou would'st have him And being now trimm'd+ in thine own desires, Thou, beastly feeder, art so full of him, That thou provok'st thyself to cast him up. So, so, thou common dog, didst thou disgorge Thy glutton bosom of the royal Richard; And now thou would'st eat thy dead vomit up, And howl'st to find it. What trust is in these times?
They that, when Richard liv'd, would have him die,
Are now become enamour'd on his grave: Thou, that threw'st dust upon his goodly head, When through proud London he came sighing After the admired heels of Bolingbroke, [on Cry'st now, O earth, yield us that king again, And take thou this! O thoughts of men accurst! Past, and to come, seem best; things present, worst.
Mowb. Shall we go draw our numbers, and
Host. Yea, good master Snare; I have entered him and all.
Snare. It may chance cost some of us our lives, for he will stab.
stabbed me in mine own house, and that most Host. Alas the day! take heed of him; he beastly in good faith, a' cares hot what mischief he doth, if his weapon be out: he will foing like any devil; he will spare neither man, woman, nor child.
Fang. If I can close with him, I care not for his thrust.
Host. No, nor I neither: I'll be at your elbow.
Fang. An I but fist him once; an a' come but within my vice ;||—
Host. I am undone by his going; warrant you, he's an infinitive thing upon my score:— Good master Fang, hold him sure;-good master Snare, let him not 'scape. He comes connuantly to Pie-corner, (saving your manhoods,) to buy a saddle; and he's indited to dinner to the fubbar's head in Lumbert-street, to master Smooth's the silkman: I pray ye, since my exion is entered, and my case so openly known to the world, let him be brought in to his answer. A hundred mark is a long loan for a poor lone woman to bear: and I have borne, and borne, and borne; and have been fubbed off, and fubbed off, and fubbed off, from this day to that day, that it is a shame to be thought on. There is no honesty in such dealing; unless a woman should be made an ass, and a beast, to bear every knave's wrong.Enter Sir JOHN FALSTAFF, PAGE, and Bar
Yonder he comes; and that arrant malmseynose knave, Bardolph, with him. Do your offices, do your offices, master Fang, and master Snare; do me, do me, do me your offices. Fal. How now? whose mare's dead? what's the matter?
Fang. Sir John, I arrest you at the suit of mistress Quickly.
Fal. Away, varlets !-Draw, Bardolph; cut me off the villain's head; throw the quean in the channel.
Host. Throw me in the channel? I'll throw thee in the channel. Wilt thou? wilt thou? thou bastardly rogue!-Murder, murder! O thou honey-suckle villain! wilt thou kill God's officers, and the king's? O thou honey-seed rogue! thou art a honey-seed; a man-queller, and a woman-queller.
Fal. Keep them off, Bardolph.
Host. Good people, bring a rescue or two.Thou wo't, wo't thou? thou wo't, wo't thou? do, do, thou rogue! do, thou hemp-seed!
Fal. Away, you scullion! you rampallian! you fustilarian! I'll tickle your catastrophe.
Enter the Lord CHIEF JUSTICE, attended. Ch. Just. What's the matter? keep the peace here, ho!
Host. Good my lord, be good to me! I beseech you, stand to me!
Ch. Just. How now, Sir John? what, are you brawling here?
Doth this become your place, your time, and business? [York. You should have been well on your way to Stand from him, fellow; Wherefore hang'st thou on him?
Host. O my most worshipful lord, an't please your grace, I am a poor widow of Eastcheap, and he is arrested at my suit.
Ch. Just. For what sum?
Host. It is more than for some, my lord: it is for all, all I have: he hath eaten me out of house and home; he hath put all my substance into that fat belly of his :-but I will have some of it out again, or I'll ride thee o'nights, like the mare.
Fal. I think, I am as like to ride the mare, if I have any vantage of ground to get up.
Ch. Just. How comes this, Sir John? Fie! what man of good temper would endure this tempest of exclamation? Are you not ashamed,
to enforce a poor widow to so rough a course to come by her own?
Fal. What is the gross sum that I owe thee?
Host. Marry, if thou wert an honest man, thyself, and the money too. Thou didst swear to me upon a parcel-gilt* goblet, sitting in my Dolphin-chamber, at the round table, by a seacoal fire, upon Wednesday in Whitsun-week, when the prince broke thy head for liking his father to a singing-man of Windsor; thou didst swear to me then, as I was washing thy wound, to marry me, and make me my lady thy wife. Canst thou deny it? Did not goodwife Keech, the butcher's wife, come in then, and call me gossip Quickly? coming in to borrow a mess of vinegar; telling us, she had a good dish of prawns; whereby thou didst desire to eat some; whereby I told thee, they were ill for a green wound? And didst thou not, when she was gone down stairs, desire me to be no more so familiarity with such poor people; saying, that ere long they should call me madam? And didst thou not kiss me, and bid me fetch thee thirty shillings? I put thee now to thy bookoath; deny it, if thou canst.
Fal. My lord, this is a poor mad soul; and she says, up and down the town, that her eldest son is like you: she hath been in good case, and, the truth is, poverty hath distracted her. But for these foolish officers, I beseech you, I may have redress against them.
Ch. Just. Sir John, Sir John, I am well acquainted with your manner of wrenching the true cause the false way. It is not a confident brow, nor the throng of words that come with such more than impudent sauciness from you, can thrust me from a level consideration; you have, as it appears to me, practised upon the easy-yielding spirit of this woman, and made her serve your uses both in purse and persou. Host. Yea, in troth, my lord.
Ch. Just. Pr'ythee, peace:-Pay her the debt you owe her, and unpay the villany you have done with her; the one you may do with sterling money, and the other with current repent
Fal. My lord, I will not undergo this sneapt without reply. You call honourable boldness, impudent sauciness: if a man will make court'sy, and say nothing, he is virtuous: No, my lord, my humble duty remembered, I will not be your suitor; I say to you, I do desire deliverance from these officers, being upon hasty employment in the king's affairs.
Ch. Just. You speak as having power to do wrong: but answer in the effect of your repu tation, and satisfy the poor woman.
Fal. Come hither, hostess. [Taking her aside.
Ch. Just. Now, master Gower; What news?, Gow. The king, my lord, and Harry prince of Wales
Are near at hand: the rest the paper tells.
Host. By this heavenly ground I tread on, I must be fain to pawn both my plate, and the tapestry of my dining-chambers.
Fal. Glasses, glasses, is the only drinking: