4.

stable, that stood upon so weak a foundation. Though I was, by the force of convictions, brought to part with my beloved sins, or consent to their destruction; yet it was neither without reluctance, nor without some secret reserve. It was like Pharaoh's consent in the like case, when his servants persuaded him of the danger of his persisting in his sin: "Moses and Aaron were brought back again to Pharaoh and he said unto them, Go, serve the Lord your God: but who are they that shall go?" 5. My heart was utterly averse to spirituality; sometimes, through the force of convictions, I was indeed brought for some time to aim at getting my mind fixed upon heavenly things, and kept on the thoughts of them; but my heart being yet carnal, I wearied of this bent, and of this forcible religion: and it was intolerable to think of being always spiritual: The carnal mind is enmity against God, is not subject to the law of God, nor can it indeed be."

By these means I was at last brought to an extremity: For, 1. My "sins were set in order before me." "Innumerable evils compassed me about; mine iniquities have taken hold upon me, so that I am not able to look up. They are more than the hairs upon my head; therefore my heart faileth me." 2. They were set in order in the dreadfulness of their nature and aggravations, and all shifts, extenuations, pleas, and defences were rejected, and my mouth stopped before God. 3. All the vain methods I had taken for my relief, baffled my expectation, and increased my pains: they were "the staff of a broken reed," they pierced my arm, when I

attempted to lean upon them; and I was ashamed, and even confounded, that I had hoped. 4. The wrath of God took possession of my soul, and "the poison of his arrows drank up my spirits." 5. I was as yet unsanctified to the truths of religion, and mine enemies often told me, that even " in God there was no succour for me." Yea, 6. At sometimes, Satan, to entangle me more, assaulted all the truths of religion at once, and then I was dreadfully confounded, when the Lord commanded that mine enemies should be round about me: and "they compassed me about like bees." 7. All the ways I took to bear down my corruptions proved of no avail: for "sin revived, and I died;" yea, "taking occasion by the commandment, it slew me."

By the extremity of this anguish, I was, for some time, about the close of 1697, and beginning of 1698, dreadfully cast down. I was weary of my life. Often did I use Job's words, "I loathe it, I would not live always." And yet I was afraid to die: I had no rest, “ my sore run in the night, and it ceased not in the day." "At night I wished for day; and in the day I wished for night." I said,

My couch shall comfort me." But then darkness was as the "shadow of death." When I was in this case, I was often brought to the brink of despair. He filled me with bitterness; he made me drunk with wormwood. "He broke all my teeth with gravel-stores; he covered me with ashes. removed my soul far from peace: I forgat prosperity. And I said, My strength and my hope is perished from the Lord: remembering mine affliction and

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my misery, the wormwood and the gall. My soul had them still in remembrance, and was bowed in me." Now, I was made to think it a wonder that I was not consumed; and though I dreaded destruction from the Almighty, yet I could not but justify him if he had destroyed me: "Righteous is the Lord, for I have rebelled." I was made to fear that the Lord would make me a "Magor-missabib, a terror to myself," and all round about; and that he would make some dreadful discovery of my wickedness, that would make me a reproach to religion, and give the enemies advantage, which put me upon the Psalmist's prayer: "Deliver me from all my transgressions; make me not the reproach of I was made to wonder that I was not

the foolish." already cut off. And indeed this was something reviving: "It is of the Lord's mercies that we are not consumed, because his compassions fail not. This I recall to my mind; therefore have I hope." But this hope was easily clouded. It amounted to no more than this: "Who can tell but he may be gracious." And to this my fearful heart suggested the greatness of my sins, as what were above the reach of pardoning mercy. And Satan daily urged me to give over, and take some desperate course, to say, "There is no hope." Thus I walked about, dejected, weary, and heavy laden, weary of my disease, and weary of the vain methods I had taken for relief, and uncertain what to do, what course to take: "I took counsel in my soul, having sorrow in my heart daily."

CHAPTER II.

An Account of the Relief I got about the close of January 1698, and the state of matters thereon.

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If this extremity had lasted much longer, my soul had sunk under the weight of it, and even that, while I was in this case, had ruined me, if the Lord had not secretly supported me in time of the greatest extremity, and, as it were, held me by the hand, even while I acted most wickedly: "So foolish was I, and ignorant; I was as a beast before thee. Nevertheless, thou hast holden me by my right hand." And at this extremity, the Lord interposed; when I had destroyed myself, he let me see help in him. found me lying wallowing in my blood, in a helpless and hopeless condition. I had none that would, or could save me. I was forsaken of all my lovers. I was caught in the thicket. I was quite overcome; neither was I in a case to fight or flee. And then the Lord passed by me, cast his skirt over me, and made this time a time of love." "And Abraham called the name of that place Jehovah-jireh; as it is said to this day, In the mount of the Lord it shall be seen."

I cannot be very positive about the day or hour of this deliverance, nor can I answer many other questions about the way and manner of it. But this is of no consequence, if the work is in substance sound: For the wind bloweth where it listeth, and thou

hearest the sound thereof, but canst not tell whence it cometh, and whither it goeth: so is every one that is born of the Spirit." Many things about the way and manner we may be ignorant of, while we are sufficiently sure of the effects. As to these things, I must say with the blind man," I know not one thing I know, that, whereas I was blind, now I see."

However, it was towards the close of January, or the beginning of February, 1698, that this seasonable relief came; and, so far as I can remember, I was at secret prayer in very great extremity, not far from despair, when the Lord seasonably interposed, and gave this merciful turn to affairs: "When I said; My foot slippeth, thy mercy held me up." And when there was none to save, then his own arm brought salvation.” "God, who commanded the light to shine out of darkness, shined into my mind, to give the light of the knowledge of his glory in the face of Jesus Christ."

That which yielded me this relief, was a discovery of the Lord, as manifested in the word. He said to me, "Thou hast destroyed thyself, but in me is thy help." Now the Lord discovered, in the manner afterwards to be mentioned, several things of which I shall here take notice. 1. He let me see, that "there is forgiveness with him, that with him there is mercy and plenteous redemption." "He made all his goodness pass before me, and he proclaimed his name the Lord, the Lord God, merciful and gracious, long-suffering, and abundant in goodness and truth, keeping mercy for thousands, forgiving