thunder you meet with in cities. In the coun- | him, who had sat all day with his feet on the try, few thunder-storms are contented to pass fender, to gobble up, at six o'clock of the over without killing at least one horse, some afternoon, as enormous a dinner as we who milch-kine, half-a-dozen sucking pigs or tur- had walked since sunrise forty or fifty miles? keys, an old woman or two, perhaps the Minis- Because our stimulus had been greater, was ter of the parish, a man about forty, name our nourishment to be less? We don't care a unknown, and a nursing mother at the ingle, curse about stimulus. What we want, in such the child escaping with singed eye-brows, and a case, is lots of fresh food; and we hold that, a singular black mark on one of its great toes. under such circumstances, a man with a sound We say nothing of the numbers stupified, who Tory Church-and-King stomach and constituawake the day after, as from a dream, with tion cannot over-eat himself-no, not for his strange pains in their heads, and not altogether immortal soul. sure about the names or countenances of the We had almost forgot to take the deceased somewhat unaccountable people whom they Doctor to task for one of the most free-andsee variously employed about the premises, easy suggestions ever made to the ill-disposed, and making themselves pretty much at home. how to disturb and destroy the domestic happiIn towns, not one thunder-storm in fifty that ness of eminent literary characters. "An performs an exploit more magnanimous than introduction to eminent authors may be ob knocking down an old wife from a chimney-tained," quoth he slyly, "from the booksellers top-singeing a pair of worsted stockings that, who publish their works." knit in an ill-starr'd hour, when the sun had entered Aries, had been hung out to dry on a line in the back-yard, or garden as it is called -or cutting a few inches off the tail of an old whig weathercock that for years had been pecking the eyes out of all the airts the wind can blaw, greedy of some still higher prefer

inent.

The booksellers who publish the works of eminent authors have rather more common sense and feeling, it is to be hoped, than this comes to-and know better what is the province of their profession. Any one man may, if he chooses, give any other man an introduction to any third man in this world. Thus the tailor of any eminent author-or his bookOur dear deceased author proceeds to tell his seller-or his parish minister-or his butcher Traveller how to eat and drink; and remarks, -or his baker-or his "man of business""that people are apt to imagine that they may or his house-builder-may, one and all, give indulge a little more in high living when on a such travellers as Dr. Kitchiner and others, journey. Travelling itself, however, acts as a letters of introduction to the said eminent stimulus; therefore less nourishment is re-author in prose or verse. This, we have heard, quired than in a state of rest. What you might is sometimes done-but fortunately we cannot not consider intemperate at home, may occa-speak from experience, not being ourselves an sion violent irritation, fatal inflammations, &c., in situations where you are least able to obtain medical assistance."

eminent author. The more general the intercourse between men of taste, feeling, cultivation, learning, genius, the better; but that All this is very loosely stated, and must be intercourse should be brought about freely and set to rights. If you shut yourself up for of its own accord, as fortunate circumstances some fifty hours or so in a mail-coach, that permit, and there should be no impertinent keeps wheeling along at the rate of ten miles interference of selfish or benevolent go-bean hour, and changes horses in half a minute, tweens. It would seem that Dr. Kitchiner certainly for obvious reasons the less you eat thought the commonest traveller, one who was and drink the better; and perhaps an hourly almost, as it were, bordering on a Bagman, had hundred drops of laudanum, or equivalent nothing to do but call on the publisher of any grain of opium, would be advisable, so that the great writer, and get a free admission into his transit from London to Edinburgh might be house. Had the Doctor not been dead, we performed in a phantasma. But the free agent should have given him a severe rowing and ought to live well on his travels-some degrees blowing-up for this vulgar folly; but as he is better, without doubt, than when at home. dead, we have only to hope that the readers of People seldom live very well at home. There the Oracle who intend to travel will not degrade is always something requiring to be eaten up, themselves, and disgust "authors of emithat it may not be lost, which destroys the nence," by thrusting their ugly or comely faces soothing and satisfactory symmetry of an un--both are equally odious-into the privacy of exceptionable dinner. We have detected the same duck through many unprincipled disguises, playing a different part in the farce of domestic economy, with a versatility hardly to have been expected in one of the most generally despised of the web-footed tribe. When travelling at one's own sweet will, one feeds at a different inn every meal; and, except when the coincidence of circumstances is against you, there is an agreeable variety both m the natural and artificial disposition of the dishes. True that travelling may act as a HAVING thus briefly instructed travelers how stimulus-but false that therefore less nourish- to get a look at Lions, the Doctor suddenly ex ment is required. Would Dr. Kitchiner, if claims-"IMPRIMIS, BEWARE OF DOGS!" "There new alive, presume to say that it was right for have," he says, "been many arguments, pro

gentlemen who have done nothing to exclude themselves from the protection of the laws of civilized society-or subject their firesides to be infested by one-half of the curious men of the country, two-thirds of the clever, and al the blockheads.

THIRD COURSE.

and suburban paths-and at all seasons of the revolving year and day; but never, as we pad. ded the hoof along, met we nor were overtaken by greyhound, mastiff, or cur, in a state of hy. drophobia. We have many million times scen them with their tongues lolling out about a

whole dog showing symptoms of severe dis tress. That such travellers were not mad, we do not assert-they may have been mad-but they certainly were fatigued; and the differ ence, we hope, is often considerable between weariness and insanity. Dr. Kitchiner, had he seen such dogs as we have seen, would have fainted on the spot. He would have raised the country against the harmless jog-trotter. Pitchforks would have gleamed in the setting sun, and the flower of the agricultural youth of a midland country, forming a levy en masse, would have offered battle to a turnspit. The Doctor, sitting in his coach-like Napoleon at Waterloo-would have cried "Tout est perdu -sauve qui peut !"—and re-galloping to a pro vincial town, would have found refuge under the gateway of the Hen and Chickens.

"The life of the most humble human being," quoth the Doctor, "is of more value than all the dogs in the world-dare the most brutal cynic say otherwise?"

This question is not put to us; for so far from being the most brutal Cynic, we do not belong to the Cynic school at all-being an Eclectic, and our philosophy composed chiefly of Stoicism, Epicureanism, and Peripateticism

and con, on the dreadful disease their bite pro- | with stiles or turnpikes-metropolitan streets duces it is enough to prove that multitudes of men, women, and children have died in consequence of having been bitten by dogs. What does it matter whether they were the victims of bodily disease or mental irritation? The life of the most humble human being is of more value than all the dogs in the world-yard-their sides pating-flag struck-and the dare the most brutal cynic say otherwise?" Dr. Kitchiner always travelled, it appears, in chaises; and a chaise of one kind or other he recommends to all his brethren of mankind. Why, then, this intense fear of the canine species? Who ever saw a mad dog leap into the mail-coach, or even a gig? The creature, when so afflicted, hangs his head, and goes snapping right and left at pedestrians. Poor people like us, who must walk, may well fear hydrophobia—though, thank Heaven, we have never, during the course of a tolerably long and well-spent life, been so much as once bitten by "the rabid animal!" But what have rich authors, who loll in carriages, to dread from dogs, who always go on foot? We cannot credit the very sweeping assertion, that multitudes of men, women, and children have died in consequence of being bitten by dogs. Even the newspapers do not run up the amount above a dozen per annum, from which you may safely deduct two-thirds. Now, four men, women and children, are not "a multitude." Of those four, we may set down two as problematical-having died, it is true, in, but not of hydrophobia-states of mind and body wide as the poles asunder. He who drinks two bottles of pure spirit every day he buttons and with a fine, pure, clear, bold dash of Platoni unbuttons his breeches, generally dies in a cism. The most brutal Cynic, if now alive state of hydrophobia-for he abhorred water, and snarling, must therefore answer for him and knew instinctively the jug containing that self-while we tell the Doctor, that so far from insipid element. But he never dies at all of holding, with him, that the life of the most hydrophobia, there being evidence to prove humble human being is of more value than all that for twenty years he had drunk nothing but the dogs in the world, we, on the contrary, brandy. Suppose we are driven to confess the verily believe that there is many an humble dog other two-why, one of them was an old wo- whose life far transcends in value the lives of man of eighty, who was dying as fast as she many men, women, and children. Whether or could hobble, at the very time she thought her- not dogs have souls, is a question in philoso self bitten and the other a nine-year-old brat, phy never yet solved; although we have our in hooping-cough and measles, who, had there selves no doubt on the subject, and firmly be not been such a quadruped as a dog created, lieve that they have souls. But the question, would have worried itself to death before eve- as put by the Doctor, is not about souls, but ning, so lamentably had its education been about lives; and as the human soul does not neglected, and so dangerous an accomplish- die when the human body does, the death of ment is an impish temper. The twelve cases an old woman, middle-aged man, or young for the year of that most horrible disease, hy- child, is no such very great calamity, either to drophobia, have, we flatter ourselves, been themselves or to the world. Better, perhaps, satisfactorily disposed of-eight of the alleged that all the dogs now alive should be massa deceased being at this moment engaged at cred, to prevent hydrophobia, than that a hu various handicrafts, on low wages indeed, but man soul should be lost;-but not a single hu still such as enable the industrious to live-man soul is going to be lost, although the two having died of drinking-one of extreme whole canine species should become insane old age, and one of a complication of com- to-morrow. Now, would the Doctor have laid plaints incident to childhood, their violence one hand on his heart and the other on his having, in this particular instance, been aggra- Bible, and taken a solemn oath that rather vated by neglect and a devilish temper. Where than that one old woman of a century and a now the multitude" of men, women, and chil-quarter should suddenly be cut off by the bite dren, who have died in consequence of being of a mad dog, he would have signed the war bitten by mad dogs? rant of execution of all the packs of harriers and fox-hounds, all the pointers, spaniels, setters, and cockers, all the stag-hounds, greyhounds, and lurchers, all the Newfoundlanders, shep herd-dogs, mastiffs, bull-dogs, and terriers, the

'Gentle reader-a mad dog is a bugbear; we have walked many hundred times the diameter and the circumference of this our habitable globe-along all roads, public and private

Enemy: when the door was opened, he de sired, if there was any Dog, that it might be shut up till he was gone, and would not enter the House till it was.

"Sword and Tuck Sticks, as commonly made are hardly so good a weapon as a stout Stick

infinite generation of mongrels and crosses in- | cluded, in Great Britain and Ireland-to say nothing of the sledge-drawers in Kamschatka, and in the realms slow-moving near the Pole? To clench the argument at once--What are all the old women in Europe, one-half of the men, and one-third of the children, when compared, in va--the Blades are often inserted into the Hanlue, with any one of Christopher North's Newfoundland dogs-Fro-Bronte--or O'Bronte ? Finally, does he include in his sweeping condemnation the whole brute creation, lions, tigers, panthers, ounces, elephants, rhinoceroses, hippopotami, camelopardales, zebras, quaggas, cattle, horses, asses, mules, cats, the ichneumon, cranes, storks, cocks-of-the-wood, geese, and how-towdies?

"Semi-drowning in the sea"-he continues —“and all the pretended specifics, are mere delusions-there is no real remedy but cutting the part out immediately. If the bite be near a blood vessel, that cannot always be done, nor when done, however well done, will it always prevent the miserable victim from dying the most dreadful of deaths. Well might St. Paul tell us to beware of dogs. First Epistle to Philippians, chap. iii. v. 2."

dles in such a slight manner, that one smart blow will break them out;-if you wish for a Sword-Cane, you must have one made with a good Regulation Blade, which alone will cost more than is usually charged for the entire Stick.-I have seen a Cane made by Mr. PRICE, of the Stick and Umbrella Warehouse, 221, in the Strand, near Temple Bar, which was excellently put together.

"A powerful weapon, and a very smart and light-looking thing, is an Iron Stick of about four-tenths of an inch in diameter, with a Hook next the Hand, and terminating at the other end in a Spike about five inches in length, which is covered by a Ferrule, the whole painted the colour of a common walking-stick; it has a light natty appearance, while it is in fact a most formidable Instrument."

We cannot charge our memory with this inSemi-drowning in the sea is, we grant, a bad strument, yet had we seen one once, we hardly specific, and difficult to be administered. It is think we could have forgot it. But Colonel de not possible to tell, a priori, how much drown- Berenger in his Helps and Hints prefers the ing any particular patient can bear. What is umbrella. Umbrellas are usually carried, we mere semi-drowning to James, is total drown- believe, in wet weather, and dogs run mad, if ing to John;-Tom is easy of resuscitation-ever, in dry. So the safe plan is to carry one Bob will not stir a muscle for all the Humane all the year through, like the Duke. Societies in the United Kingdoms. To cut a pound of flesh from the rump of a fat dowager, who turns sixteen stone, is within the practical skill of the veriest bungler in the anatomy of the human frame-to scarify the fleshless spindle-shank of an antiquated spinstress, who lives on a small annuity, might be beyond the scalpel of an Abernethy or a Liston. A large bloodvessel, as the Doctor well remarks, is an awkward neighbour to the wound made by the bite of a mad dog, "when a new excision has to be attempted"-but will any Doctor living inform us how, in a thousand other cases besides hydrophobia, "the miserable victim may always be prevented from dying?" There are, probably, more dogs in Britain than horses; yet a hundred men, women, and children are killed by kicks of sane horses, for one by bites of insane dogs. Is the British army, therefore, to be deprived of its left arm, the cavalry? Is there to be no flying artillery? What is to become of the horse-marines?

"I found it a valuable weapon, although by mere chance; for walking alone in the rain a large mad dog, pursued by men, suddenly turned upon me, out of a street which I had just approached; by instinct more than by judgment, I gave point at him severely, opened as the umbrella was, which, screening me at the same time, was an article from which he dia not expect thrusts; but which, although made at guess, for I could not see him, turned him over and over, and before he could recover himself, his pursuers had come up immediately to despatch him; the whole being the work of even few seconds; but for the umbrella the horrors of hydrophobia might have fallen to my lot."

There is another mode, which, with the omission or alteration of a word or two, looks feasible, supposing we had to deal not with a bull-dog, but a young lady of our own species. "If," says the Colonel, "you can seize a dog's front paw neatly, and immediately squeeze it sharply, he cannot bite you till you cease to squeeze it; therefore, by keeping him thus well pinched, you may lead him wherever you like. or you may, with the other hand, seize him by the skin of the neck, to hold him thus without danger, provided your strength is equal to his efforts at extrication." But here comes the Colonel's infallible vade-mccum.

"Look at them with your face from between your open legs, holding the skirts away, and running at them thus backwards, of course head below, stern exposed and above, and growling angrily, most dogs, seeing so strange an animal, the head at the heels, the eyes below the mouth, &c., are so dismayed, that, with their tails between their legs, they are glad to scamper away, some even howling with a

fright. I have never tried it with a thorough- | proud, and of which the effect on landlady bred bull-dog, nor do I advise it with them; though I have practised it, and successfully, with most of the other kinds; it might fail with these, still I cannot say it will."

bar-maid, and chamber-maid, we remembe was irresistible-and, fourthly and finally, to complete that department of our investiture, shone with soft yet sprightly lustre-the douThus armed against the canine species, the ble-breasted bright-buttoned Buff. Five and Traveller, according to our Oracle, must also four are nine-so that between our carcass and provide himself with a portable case of in- our coat, it might have been classically said of struments for drawing-a sketch and note our dress-"Novies interfusa coercet." At this book-paper-ink-and PINS-NEEDLES-AND juncture of affairs began the coats, which, as THREAD! A ruby or Rhodium pen, made by it is a great mistake to wear too many coatsDoughty, No. 10, Great Ormond Street-pen- never exceeded six. The first used generally cils from Langdon's of Great Russell Street-a to be a pretty old coat that had lived to moral folding one-foot rule, divided into eighths, ize over the mutability of human affairstenths, and twelfths of inches-a hunting watch threadbare-napless-and what ignorant peo with seconds, with a detached lever or Du-ple might have called shabby-genteel. It was pleix's escapement, in good strong silver cases followed by a plain, sensible, honest, unpre -Dollond's achromatic opera-glass-a nightlamp-a tinder-box-two pair of spectacles, with strong silver frames-an eye-glass in a silver ring slung round the neck—a traveller's knife, containing a large and small blade, a saw, hook for taking a stone out of a horse's shoe, turnscrew, gunpicker, tweezers, and long corkscrew-galoches or paraloses-your own knife and fork, and spoon-a Welsh wig-a spare hat-umbrella-two great-coats, one for cool and fair weather, (i. e. between 45° and and 55° of Fahrenheit,) and another for cold and foul weather, of broadcloth, lined with fur, and denominated a "dreadnought."

Such are a few of the articles with which every sensible traveller will provide himself before leaving Dulce Domum to brave the perils of a Tour through the Hop-districts.

"If circumstances compel you," continues the Doctor, "to ride on the outside of a coach, put on two shirts and two pair of stockings, turn up the collar of your great-coat, and tie a handkerchief round it, and have plenty of dry straw to set your feet on."

In our younger days we used to ride a pretty considerable deal on the outside of coaches, and much hardship did we endure before we hit on the discovery above promulgated. We once rode outside from Edinburgh to London, in winter without a great-coat, in nankeen trousers sans drawers, and all other articles of our dress thin and light in proportion. That we are alive at this day, is no less singular than true-no more true than singular. We have known ourselves so firmly frozen to the leathern ceiling of the mail-coach, that it required the united strength of coachman, guard, and the other three outsides, to separate us from the vehicle, to which we adhered as part and parcel. All at once the device of the double shirt flashed upon us-and it underwent signal improvements before we reduced the theory to practice. For, first, we endued ourselves with a leather shirt-then with a flannel one-and then, in regular succession, with three linen shirts. This concluded the Series of Shirts. Then commenced the waistcoats. A plain woollen waistcoat without buttons with hooks and eyes-took the lead, and kept it; it was closely pressed by what is, in common palaver, called an under-waistcoat-the body being flaunel, the breast-edges bearing a pretty pattern of stripes or bars-then came a natty red waistcoat, of which we were particularly

tending, common-place, every day sort of a coat-and not, perhaps, of the very best merino. Over it was drawn, with some little difficulty, what had, in its prime of life, attracted universal admiration in Prince's Street, as a blue surtout. Then came your regular olivecoloured great-coat-not braided and embroi dered à la militaire-for we scorned to sham travelling-captain-but simplex munditiis, plain in its neatness; not wanting then was your shag-hued wraprascal, betokening that its wearer was up to snuff-and to close this strange eventful history, the seven-caped Dread-nought, that loved to dally with the sleets and snows-held in calm contempt Boreas, Notus, Auster, Eurus, and "the rest"-and drove baffled Winter howling behind the Pole.

The same principle of accumulation was made applicable to the neck. No stock. Neckcloth above neckcloth-beginning with singles

and then getting into the full uncut squares -the amount of the whole being somewhere about a dozen. The concluding neckcloth worn cravat-fashion, and flowing down the breast in a cascade, like that of an attorneygeneral. Round our cheek and ear, leaving the lips at liberty to breathe and imbibe, was wreathed, in undying remembrance of the bravest of the brave, a Jem Belcher fogleand beneath the cravat-cascade a comforter netted by the fair hands of her who had kissed us at our departure, and was sighing for our return. One hat we always found sufficientand that a black beaver-for a lily castor suits not the knowledge-box of a friend to "a limited constitutional and hereditary monarchy."

As to our lower extremities-One pair only of roomy shoes-one pair of stockings of the finest lamb's-wool-another of common close worsted, knit by the hand of a Lancashire witch-thirdly, Shetland hose. All three pair reaching well up towards the fork-each about an inch-and-a-half longer than its predecessor. Flannel drawers-one pair only-within the lamb's-wool, and touching the instep-then one pair of elderly cassimeres, of yore worn a balls-one pair of Manchester white cordsditto of strong black quilt trousers, “capacious and serene"-and at or beneath the freezing point, overalls of the same stuff as "Johnny's gray breeks"-neat but not gaudy-mud-repel lers-themselves a host-never in all their lives "thoroughly wet through"-frost-proofand often mistaken by the shepherd on the

wold as the Telegraph hung for a moment on | accommodations, it will sometimes be prudent the misty upland, for the philibeg of Phoebus not to undress entirely; however, the neck in his dawn-dress, hastily slipt on as he bade cloth, gaiters, shirt, and every thing which farewell to some star-paramour, and, like a checks the circulation, must be loosened." giant about to run a race, devoured the cerulean course of day, as if impatient to reach the goal set in the Western Sea.

FOURTH COURSE.

PRAY, reader, do you know what line of conduct you ought to pursue if you are to sleep on the road! "The earlier you arrive," says the Doctor, "and the earlier after your arrival you apply, the better the chance of getting a good bed-this done, order your luggage to your room. A travelling-bag, or a 'sac de nuit,' in addition to your trunk, is very necessary; it should be large enough to contain one or two changes of linen-a night-shirtshaving apparatus-comb, clothes, tooth and hair brushes, &c. Take care, too, to see your sheets well aired, and that you can fasten your room at night. Carry fire-arms also, and take the first unostentatious opportunity of showing your pistols to the landlord. However wellmade your pistols, however carefully you have chosen your flint, and however dry your powder, look to the priming and touch-hole every night. Let your pistols be double-barrelled, and with spring bayonets."

Now, really, it appears to us, that in lieu of double-barrelled pistols with spring bayonets, it would be advisable to substitute a brace of black-puddings for daylight, and a brace of Oxford or Bologna sausages for the dark hours. They will be equally formidable to the robber, and far safer to yourself. Indeed we should like to see duelling black-puddings, or sausages, introduced at Chalk-Farm-and, that etiquette might not be violated, each party might take his antagonist's weapon, and the seconds, as usual, see them loaded. Surgeons will have to attend as usual. Far more blood, indeed, would be thus spilt, than according to the present fashion.

Clean sheets, the Doctor thinks, are rare in inns; and he believes that it is the practice to "take them from the bed, sprinkle them with water, fold them down, and put them into a press. When they are wanted again, they are, literally speaking, shown to the fire, and, in a reeking state, laid on the bed. The traveller is tired and sleepy, dreams of that pleasure or business which brought him from home, and the remotest thing from his mind is, that from the very repose which he fancies has refreshed him, he has received the rheumatism. The receipt, therefore, to sleep comfortably at inns, is to take your own sheets, to have plenty of flannel gowns, and to promise, and take care to pay, a handsome consideration for the liberty of choosing your bed."

Now, Doctor, suppose all travellers behaved at inns upon such principles, what a perpetual commotion there would be in the house! The kitchens, back-kitchens, laundries, drying rooms, would at all times be crammed choke full of a miscellaneous rabble of Editors, Authors, Lords, Baronets, Squires, Doctors of Divinity, Fellows of Colleges, Half-pay Of ficers, and Bagmen, oppressing the chambermaids to death, and in the headlong gratification of their passion for well-aired sheets, setting fire so incessantly to public premises as to raise the rate of insurance to a ruinous height, and thus bring bankruptcy on all the principal establishments in Great Britain. But shutting our eyes, for a moment, to such general conflagration and bankruptcy, and indulging ourselves in the violent supposition that some inns might still continue to exist, think, O think, worthy Doctor, to what other fatal results this system, if universally acted upon, would, in a very few years of the transitory life of man, inevitably lead! In the firs place, in a country where all travellers carried with them their own sheets, none would be kept in inns except for the use of the esta blishment's own members. This would be inflicting a vital blow, indeed, on the inns of a country. For mark, in the second place, that the blankets would not be long of following the sheets. The blankets would soon fly after the sheets on the wings of love and despair. Thirdly, are you so ignorant, Doctor, of this world and its ways, as not to see that the bedsteads would, in the twinkling of an eye, follow the blankets! What a wild, desolate wintry appearance would a bed-room then ex hibit!

The Doctor, as might be expected, makes a mighty rout-a prodigious fuss-all through the Oracle, about damp sheets; he must immediately see the chamber-maid, and overlook the airing with his own hands and eyes. He is also an advocate of the warming-pan-and for the adoption, indeed, of every imaginable scheme for excluding death from his chamber. He goes on the basis of every thing being as it should not be in inns-and often reminds us of our old friend Death-in-the-Pot. Nay, as Travellers never can be sure that those who The foresight of such consequences as these have slept in the beds before them were not may well make a man shudder. We have ne afflicted with some contagious disease, when-objections, however, to suffer the Doctor him ever they can they should carry their own sheets with them-namely, a "light eider-down quilt, and two dressed hart skins, to be put on the mattrasses, to hinder the disagreeable contact. These are to be covered with the traveller's own sheets-and if an eider-down quilt be not sufficient to keep him warm, his coat put upon it will increase the heat sufficiently. If the traveller is not provided with these

self, and a few other occasional damp-dreading old quizzes, "to see the bed-clothes put to the fire in their presence," merely at the expense of subjugating themselves to the derision of all the chambermaids, cooks, scullions, boots, ostlers, and painters. (The painter is the artist who is employed in inns to paint the but tered toast. He always works in oils. As the Director General would say he deals in bu.