THAT quaint old chronicler Gallinus Garrulus, whose longlost treatise on the unpleasant private lives and glorious miracles of the holy men who dwelt in the Thebaïd has been discovered and edited by the erudite Doctor Schwätzer of Leipzig, tells us, in his mediocre Latin, many useful and edifying facts concerning a certain Alexander who flourished in the third century of our era, earned the universal hatred of the human race through no fault of his own but a lack of forethought, and was canonised by Innocent the First a year before Alaric and his barbarians sacked the Holy City. Alexander, who was fond of insisting that he was not descended from the heathen and dissipated monarch of that name, had originally followed the profession of a wandering tinker; tinkering, indeed, was hereditary in his family, and there is no doubt that he was either the grandson or greatgrandson (Garrulus says grandson, but Schwätzer has ten pages of notes on the subject) of the celebrated coppersmith Alexander who annoyed Paul, and, as we all know, was delivered unto Satan by that irritated saint. In the course of his travels he went to Upper Egypt, where there was a considerable demand for his art, and one day by a most for

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tunate chance he entered a squalid village which was inhabited by a celibate congregation of very holy men. this village he stayed, finding plenty of work, for the very holy men were gloriously aloof from the practical details of life, and therefore all their pots and pans were badly in need of repair.

In spite of the essentially mundane character of his work, Alexander himself had a decided inclination towards the saintly life, and after he had sojourned for a while in the village he decided that he would

stay there always, adopting holiness as his profession, and occupying his leisure with looking after the kettles, cauldrons, and pots of the Elect. Unfortunately the holiest man of all in the village, whose name was Irenæus, was a strong believer in heredity. Irenæus was badtempered; even in that environment he had a famous reputation for personal uncleanliness, and his slumbers were disturbed almost nightly by the most remarkable visions. the course of one of these the secret of Alexander's pedigree was revealed to him, and he decided at once that the tinker was a lewd fellow and quite unfit for decent society. He held a vestry meeting, and Alexander was informed that

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Alexander was seriously annoyed when he heard of the resolution passed by the vestry meeting, for he was conscious of becoming holier every day, and life in the village, with its combination of healthy labour and an ever-growing sense of righteousness, suited him very well. Therefore, in order to prolong his sojourn, he adopted the method of the Pagan Queen Penelope, at night secretly making apertures in the pans which he had cleverly mended by day. Meanwhile his holiness increased marvellously, and he began to see visions no less important than those of Irenæus himself. But when he told Irenæus concerning them, that great and malodorous man was extremely surly, and said that in his opinion they were caused either by indigestion or by a hereditary bad conscience. All too soon the pious fraud of Alexander was discovered: Irenæus detected him in the act of boring a large hole in a cistern, and next day at dawn the unfortunate Alexander was excommunicated and and driven forth from the village with cursing and stripes.

He resumed his wandering life, but very soon his holiness and his visions became so enthralling that he found himself neglecting his trade, and after a while he resolved to renounce it altogether, and to

devote the rest of his days to pious meditations and righteous exercises. Even when he had been staying in the village, certain small experiments which he had made were enough to convince him that he possessed miraculous power, and as soon as he got free from the baneful proximity of Irenæus (who was always trying to spoil with a miracle of his own any mighty work attempted by Alexander), he found that his power increased an hundred - fold. His enthusiasm likewise increased, and with it the desire for renown and the determination to rise superior to that sour saint in his own favourite art. Now the miracles of Alexander, according to the testimony of the truthful but illiterate Garrulus, were as follows.

It befell that on a certain day Alexander was crossing the desert, and paused to quench his thirst and enjoy the shade in a certain oasis not far from the great city Alexandria. While he rested, he became aware of the presence of a concourse of savage and naked men, who danced and shouted and displayed every symptom of intense felicity. Alexander approached them in order to find out the reason of their joy, and perceived that they were surrounding a large lion whose fore-paws were caught in a heavy wooden trap. The lion watched their unseemly gestures with calm disdain, and uttered no sound when their leader, a

Nubian with a gross body, threw a number of little, sharp spears at him. Alexander watched the scene for some time, and then, being of a pitiful nature, his heart was moved with compassion for the poor lion, and he announced to the naked men that he intended to release him. The naked men laughed, and some of them threw stones at him, but quite good-naturedly, and they continued to dance. Then Alexander exerted his miraculous powers to the utmost extent, and at last the heavy wooden trap opened and the lion came out of it, limping because his fore-paws were severely bruised. The naked men ran away shouting, with the exception of the Nubian, who fell when he started, sprained his ankle, and lay on the ground staring at the lion and showing all the whites of his eyes. The lion walked slowly and majestically towards Alexander, who imagined that the poor beast was grateful for his miracle, but in reality (Garrulus affirms) it was his intention to eat his holy benefactor. When, however, the lion had approached Alexander, he saw that the saint was obviously bony and stringy and presumably tough; therefore he turned to the Nubian and devoured a portion of him with manifest pleasure. Then he limped away into the desert and was seen no more, and as soon as he had gone the savage, naked men beat Alexander and cut him with knives and left him, thinking he was dead. And

they put the remainder of the Nubian into a small portmanteau and departed.

It was more than a month before Alexander recovered from his wounds. That he did so at all was due to the watchful care of a holy hermit who lived near the oasis and heard the story of the miracle from the savage men. In spite of his private sufferings, Alexander was greatly delighted with the success which had attended his effort, and was burning to distinguish himself further. He instructed the holy hermit to inform Irenæus by pigeon-post of all that had happened, blessed him, and proceeded on his way.

Now when Alexander drew nigh to the opulent city Biterses, he found himself amongst a dark-skinned tribe who wore scarlet and silver turbans and drank the milk of mares, for the goat was to them an unclean animal. This people lived in a valley shut in on all sides by high hills, so that when they wished to go to the city Biterses on business, or to make any other journey, it was necessary for them first of all to cross one of the hills, and this, in inclement seasons, was a burden to them. Although they were pagans they were charitable folk, and treated Alexander with great kindness. Their women tried to induce him to drink mare's milk in large quantities in order that he might grow great-thewed like other men and no longer resemble gnarled and withered tree, and

their men invited him to become one of their gods. To a person of his singular virtue such temptations were as nothing, but nevertheless he became very fond of the people in the valley, and was always trying to think of some miracle that would have a permanently useful result for them. At last, noticing the inconvenience which they suffered from being hemmed in on all sides by lofty hills, he decided that it would be an excellent thing if one of the hills was removed, and their commerce with the rest of the world thereby rendered easy.

For several days he toiled, nor even at night did he cease from exerting his miraculous power, and at last, on the evening of the fifth day, a dreadful groaning and rumbling was heard, and one of the hills began to move slowly away from its neighbours in the circle. Soon a huge gap full full of boulders and yawning pits was revealed, and the hill moved steadily on. The people of the valley were so greatly delighted that, without permission, they unanimously elected Alexander their chief god. Alexander himself was highly elated at the success of his effort, and despatched a pigeon carrying an account of the miracle to Irenæus. But very soon his pride had a grievous fall, for he discovered that, though he was able to move the hill, he had not yet acquired sufficient power to stop it when once it was in motion. In spite of the most frantic efforts on the part

of Alexander, the hill went majestically on across the plain, reached the great city Biterses by night, and crushed it as the foot of a giant crushes a colony of ants. Then the hill pro

ceeded onward, and eventually disappeared into the sea, causing the highest tide ever reported on those shores and ruining the whole tunny-fishing trade for two years.

Alexander was highly gratified with the success of this miracle, though he felt sorry, from the strictly human point of view, for the people of Biterses, and got up a subscription in the district for the tunny-fishers. His fame was now immense; but as the survivors of the ruin of Biterses threatened to exterminate the dwellers in the valley if they harboured him any longer, he thought that it would be more humane to depart from the locality. He journeyed for three days, and on the evening of the third he perceived a small village surrounded by palm-trees. His recent vast success had not made him proud, and he resolved to enter the humble village and inquire if there was any scope in it for his powers.

He halted by the well in the middle of the little marketplace, and whilst he was resting there two women came to draw water, one old, the other in the prime of life. He spoke to both of them, but only the old woman responded to his salutation. The young woman seemed to be quite unconscious of his presence. After a while

he spoke to her again, and the old woman explained that she had been deaf and dumb from birth, and that one of the villagers, being enthralled by her great beauty, had lately married her. Alexander was full of joy at finding a subject for his art so soon, and almost before the old woman had finished speaking he had cured the deafness of the young woman, and she began to talk like a little child. The old woman was amazed and tried to worship Alexander, but Alexander prevented her and went on his way, promising to return in a week to see if the cure was complete.

He spent the week in earnest conversation with a dropsical saint at El-gebi, and then returned to the village. As he entered the gate he heard sounds of lamentation, and presently he saw a funeral procession which escorted the body of a young man to the cemetery. He was about to restore the young man's life when it occurred to him to ask his name. The chief mourner answered him, and added that the young man had committed suicide. Alexander asked the reason for this rash and dreadful act, and the chief mourner beat his breast.

"It was our wont," he said, "to call him the Happiest on Earth; and of a truth he merited the title, for he married a wife who was beautiful and deaf and dumb. But on evil day she met a sorcerer who gave her speech and hearing, and since that time she has

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talked and stormed and railed without ceasing. Wherefore we bear to an untimely grave the body of him who was called the Happiest on Earth."

Alexander, having heard the remarks of the chief mourner, walked thoughtfully away and neglected to restore life to the body of the young man. And as he went through the village, a stout man in white raiment followed him, and when they were come to a lonely place pulled his sleeve. And the stout man said to Alexander, "Without any doubt you are the famous sorcerer who healed the deaf-mute. Nay, deny it not, for the old woman who was present at the well has herself pointed you out to me."

Alexander said: "I am no sorcerer, but a worker of holy miracles."

"That," responded the stout man, "is neither here nor there. I am a physician, and my richest patient is on the point of death, whereby I suffer discredit and financial loss to boot. Therefore I am come to beg your assistance, for I am confident that you can heal him."

Alexander was reluctant to consent, for the worldly interests of the physician shocked him. But the physician importuned him so volubly that at length he was persuaded, and together they went to the bedside of the sick man.

They found him already in the article of death. His bed was surrounded by relatives and friends, who displayed fewer signs of grief than are