The "learn'd Theban's" discourse next as livelily
flow'd on,
To sketch t'other wonder, the' Aristocratodon -
An animal, differing from most human creatures
Not so much in speech, inward structure, or features,
As in having a certain excrescence, T. said,
Which in form of a coronet grew from its head,
And devolv'd to its heirs, when the creature was
dead;
Nor matter'd it, while this heir-loom was trans-
mitted,
How unfit were the heads, so the coronet fitted.
SONGS OF THE CHURCH.
No. 1.
"We are ever standing on the defensive. All that we say to them is, leave us alone.' The Established Church is part and parcel of the constitution of this country. You are bound We ask of you nothing more; let us alone."— Letter in The Times, Nov. 1838. 1838. to conform to this constitution.
COME, list to my pastoral tones,
In clover my shepherds I keep;
My stalls are well furnish'd with drones,
Whose preaching invites one to sleep.
At my spirit let infidels scoff,
So they leave but the substance my own;
For, in sooth, I'm extremely well off,
If the world will but let me alone.
Dissenters are grumblers, we know ;—
Though excellent men, in their way,
They never like things to be so,
Let things be however they may.
He then mention'd a strange zoological fact,
Whose announcement appear'd much applause to But dissenting's a trick I detest;
In France, said the learned professor, this race
Had so noxious become, in some centuries' space,
From their numbers and strength, that the land
was o'errun with 'em,
Every one's question being, "What's to be done
with 'em?"
When, lo! certain knowing ones-savans, mayhap,
Who, like Buckland's deep followers, understood
trap, 2
Slily hinted that nought upon earth was so good
For Aristocratodons, when rampant and rude,
As to stop, or curtail, their allowance of food.
This expedient was tried, and a proof it affords
Of the' effect that short commons will have upon
lords;
For this whole race of bipeds, one fine summer's
morn,
Shed their coronets, just as a deer sheds his horn,
And the moment these gewgaws fell off, they became
so harmless and tame,
Quite a new sort of creature-
That zoologists might, for the first time, maintain 'em
To be near akin to the genus humanum,
And the' experiment, tried so successfully then,
Should be kept in remembrance, when wanted again.
The man found by Scheuchzer, and supposed by him to have witnessed the Deluge (" homo diluvii testis "), but who turned out, I am sorry to say, to be merely a great lizard.
And, besides, 'tis an axiom well known,
The creed that's best paid is the best,
If the unpaid would let it alone.
To me, I own, very surprising
Your Newmans and Puseys all seem,
Who start first with rationalizing,
Then jump to the other extreme.
Far better, 'twixt nonsense and sense,
A nice half-way concern, like our own,
Where piety's mix'd up with pence,
And the latter are ne'er left alone.
Of all our tormentors, the Press is
The one that most tears us to bits;
And, now, Mrs. Woolfrey's "excesses"
Have thrown all its imps into fits.
The dev'ls have been at us, for weeks,
And there's no saying when they'll have done;-
Oh dear, how I wish Mr. Breeks
Had left Mrs. Woolfrey alone!
If any need pray for the dead,
'Tis those to whom post-obits fall;
Since wisely hath Solomon said,
"Tis "money that answereth all."
Particularly the formation called Transition Trap.
But ours be the patrons who live ; —
For, once in their glebe they are thrown, The dead have no living to give,
And therefore we leave them alone.
Though in morals we may not excel,
Such perfection is rare to be had;
A good life is, of course, very well,
But good living is also-not bad.
And when, to feed earth-worms, I go,
Let this epitaph stare from my stone, "Here lies the Right Rev. so and so; "Pass, stranger, and-leave him alone."
EPISTLE FROM HENRY OF EX--T-R TO JOHN OF TUAM.
DEAR John, as I know, like our brother of London, You've sipp'd of all knowledge, both sacred and
No doubt, in some ancient Joe Miller, you've read What Cato, that cunning old Roman, once said— That he ne'er saw two rev'rend soothsayers meet, Let it be where it might, in the shrine or the street, Without wondering the rogues, 'mid their solemn grimaces,
Didn't burst out a laughing in each other's faces.1
What Cato then meant, though 'tis so long ago,
Even we in the present times pretty well know;
Having soothsayers also, who-sooth to say, John-
Are no better in some points than those of days gone,
And a pair of whom, meeting (between you and me),
Might laugh in their sleeves, too--all lawn though
they be.
But this, by the way-my intention being chiefly
In this, my first letter, to hint to you briefly,
That, seeing how fond you of Tuum 2 must be,
While Meum's at all times the main point with me,
We scarce could do better than form an alliance,
To set these sad Anti-Church times at defiance:
You, John, recollect, being still to embark,
With no share in the firm but your title 3 and mark;
Or ev'n should you feel in your grandeur inclin'd
To call yourself Pope, why, I shouldn't much mind;
While my church as usual holds fast by your Tuum,
And every one else's, to make it all Suum.
Thus allied, I've no doubt we shall nicely agree,
As no twins can be liker, in most points than we;
1 Mirari se, si augur augurem aspiciens sibi temperaret a risu. 2 So spelled in those ancient versicles which John, we understand, frequently chants:
"Had every one Suum,
You would'nt have Tuum,
As to my knowledge, there's no end to't,
For where I haven't it, I pretend to't;
And, 'stead of taking a learn'd degree
At some dull university,
Puck found it handier to commence
With a certain share of impudence,
Which passes one off as learn'd and clever,
Beyond all other degrees whatever;
And enables a man of lively sconce
To be Master of all the Arts at once.
No matter what the science may be-
Ethics, Physics, Theology,
Mathematics, Hydrostatics,
Aerostatics or Pneumatics-
Whatever it be, I take my luck,
'Tis all the same to ancient Puck;
But I should have Meum,
And sing Te Deum.
3 For his keeping the title he may quote classical authority, as Horace expressly says, "Poteris servare Tuam." De Art. Poet. v. 329.- Chronicle.
Whose head's so full of all sorts of wares,
That a brother imp, old Smugden, swears
If I had but of law a little smatt'ring,
I'd then be perfect'—which is flatt'ring.
My skill as a linguist all must know
Who met me abroad some months ago;
(And heard me abroad exceedingly, too,
In the moods and tenses of parlez-vous)
When, as old Chambaud's shade stood mute,
I spoke such French to the Institute
As puzzled those learned Thebans much,
To know if 'twas Sanscrit or High Dutch,
And might have pass'd with the' unobserving
As one of the unknown tongues of Irving.
As to my talent for ubiquity,
There's nothing like it in all antiquity.
Like Mungo (my peculiar care),
"I'm here, I'm dere, I'm ebery where."2
If any one's wanted to take the chair,
Upon any subject, any where,
Just look around, and-Puck is there!
When slaughter's at hand, your bird of prey
Is never known to be out of the way;
And wherever mischief's to be got,
There's Puck instanter, on the spot.
Only find me in negus and applause,
And I'm your man for any cause.
If wrong the cause, the more my delight; -
But I don't object to it, ev'n when right,
If I only can vex some old friend by't;
Who has lately been passing off coins, as antique,
Which have prov'd to be sham ones, though long
The ancients, our readers need hardly be told, Had a coin they call'd "Talents," for wholesale demands; 3
And 'twas some of said coinage this youth was so bold
As to fancy he'd got, God knows how, in his hands.
People took him, however, like fools, at his word;
And these talents (all priz'd at his own valuation)
Were bid for, with eagerness ev'n more absurd
Than has often distinguish'd this great thinking
nation.
Talk of wonders one now and then sees advertiz`d, "Black swans"-" Queen Anne farthings".
Much and justly as all these rare objects are priz'd, "St-nl-y's talents" outdid them-swans, farthings, and all!
At length, some mistrust of this coin got abroad; Even quondam believers began much to doubt of it;
Some rung it, some rubb'd it, suspecting a fraud —
And the hard rubs it got rather took the shine
out of it.
There's D-rh-m, for instance ;-to worry him Others, wishing to break the poor prodigy's fall,
Fills up my cup of bliss to the brim !
(NOTE BY THE EDITOR.)
Those who are anxious to run a muck
Can't do better than join with Puck,
They'll find him bon diable-spite of his phiz-
And, in fact, his great ambition is,
While playing old Puck in first-rate style,
To be thought Robin Goodfellow all the while.
AMONG other stray flashmen, dispos'd of, this week, Was a youngster, nam'd St-nl-y, genteelly connected,
1 Verbatim, as said. This tribute is only equalled by that of Talleyrand to his medical friend, Dr. -: "Il se connoit en tout; et même un peu en médecine."
Said 'twas known well to all who had studied
Beg to say they've now ready, in full wind and speed,
Some fast-going authors, of quite a new breed—
Such as not he who runs but who gallops may
read-
And who, if well curried and fed, they've no doubt,
Will beat ev'n Bentley's swift stud out and out.
It is true, in these days, such a drug is renown,
We've "Immortals" as rife as M.P.s about town;
And not a Blue's rout but can off-hand supply
Some invalid bard who's insur'd "not to die."
Still, let England but once try our authors, she'll
find
How fast they'll leave ev'n these Immortals behind;
And how truly the toils of Alcides were light,
Compar'd with his toil who can read all they write.
In fact, there's no saying, so gainful the trade,
How fast immortalities now may be made;
Since Helicon never will want an "Undying One,"
As long as the public continues a Buying One;
2 The sign of the Insurance Office in Cheapside.
3 Producing a bag full of lords and gentlemen.
|