ESSAY CXXVI. THE PRESENT STATE OF DOCTORIZING MARMADUKE Gabble was spawned amid the very dregs of society, in a petty village in an obscure part of Scotland. The parishschool-master contrived to infuse a very li mited quantity of learning into his skull by frequently animadverting on his posteriors. He, then, went through all the drudgery of an apothecary's shop for seven years, which completely blotted out all the traces of knowledge from his brain, and nearly effaced the marks on his b-k-e. Gabble, as soon as his date of bondage was expired, emigrated into one of the midland counties of England, and began to practice as apothecary, surgeon, physician, man-midwife, and cow-doctor at a petty provincial town; and soon found his way into plenty of business by his unblushing impudence, consummate ignorance, and happy knack of tat◄ tling an infinite deal of nothing all day long. Indeed, I know not the human being in existence, whose conversation is so small as Gabble's. Here he staid eight years, when he found, that, by his business and the fortune of two wives, both of whom he had already married, buried, and forgotten, he had amassed money enough to buy a Dr's degree, and a licence for practising midwifry in London.-Wherefore, he purchased a Medical diploma at Edinburgh, got an obstetrical licentiateship from the Royal college of Physicians, and began his career as Doctor in the Metropolis of the British empire. Here, by the help of his countrymen, his own œconomy, and marrying and burying two more wives, he grew to be a very great man; and, now, affects to give Conversazioni every Monday evening, during that part of the year, when Sir Joseph Banks drops his hebdomadal donations of tea to all that are deemed worthy to aspire after and to obtain such an enviable height of felicity. A more dull and ignorant animal than Gab→ ble I know not; he talks more nonsense in a given time, than any other. blockhead I ever met with; and, yet, forsooth, he sets himself up as a patron of literature and science, and has his anti-room crowded with plaster. of Paris busts, representing Homer, Sophocles, Euripides, Galen, Hypócrates, Newton, and fifty more, whose very names he cannot pronounce without making a blunder. He is, also, a wonderful encourager and protector of youths designed for the study of medicine, and, like the old Duke of Newcastle, knows every body so well that he knows nobody at all. In an unlucky hour, during his attendance upon a lingering labour, he lost the longest of his fingers by a sudden attack of the Morsus Diaboli, which took advantage of his hand remaining longer than ordinary in the regions particularly set apart for the use of obstetrical knight-errantry. This no-finger he always presents to those, whom he condescends to honour with his notice. Take the following specimen of his gracious behaviour to those, whom he affects to receive under his protection. Agrestis was a young gentleman, who after having studied medicine and surgery, in all it's departments, at London, wished to profit, if any profit there might be, by the labours of the Profes sors at Edinburgh. A friend, who was very intimate with old Marmaduke, thought that Gabble might be of great service in recommending the youth to some of his acquaintance in the Caledonian Metropolis. Accordingly, leave was asked, and obtained, in due form, that Agrestis might be presented to this wonderful doctor of doctors. On one of Gabble's Conversazioni nights was Agrestis presented to this modern Mecænas.-The Dr. on being informed of the young man's name, immediately, said that he would take care to put every thing in a proper train, so that Agrestis would reap every advantage, which study could afford, and every improvement, which the conversation of learned men could give. Gabble, then, left Agrestis to his own meditations, and be gan to discourse vigorously on the French Revolution, which he declared to be, both in it's causes and effects, full of misery and desolation to the human race. Agrestis, whose heart had beaten high with the expectation of hearing the words of wis dom and the precepts of experience from the sages of Medicine, and had fully trusted that he should have learned very much of the principles of his profession by listening to the investigations and discussions of these re nowned men, now grown grey with study, and hoary with age, finding that no one opened his mouth save Gabble, who, scarcely, paused for a moment, except to draw in breath enough to set his lungs a-going, during the whole evening, and that he uttered nothing but the contemptible common-place nonsense and the pitiful cant of news-paper politics, waxed very weary, and, seizing a lucky minute, when Gabble was nearly suffocated by a fit of coughing, owing to a vain attempt to talk while he was swallowing some tea, bade the Dr. a good night, and sheered off sorely disappointed, and verily aghazed, that such a dolt as Marmaduke had been suffered to mount into wealth and fame, without one single mark of understanding or of knowledge. "What an ignorant world is this!" said Agrestis, as he undressed himself and sneaked into bed. Agrestis, in compliance with a desire from |