PROTEOSES AND PEPTONES The undersigned is getting pretty damn fed up on the in line in his yard to wait their turn to see him. While word "Liberty." There was a time when the word pro- the bulk of the practice of most colored doctors conduced a pleasant affective reaction; but what does it sug- sists of colored patients, one glance at this doctor's line, gest now? Liberty cabbage, geboren sauer-kraut! Of of waiting patients convinced one that race prejudice all the odors suggestive of gastric stasis, that ever followed was a thing of the past. The coincidence in this conanybody up five flights of tenement-house stairs, com- nection is that the doctor found that his patients almost mend me the odor of sauer-kraut. And now we call it invariably needed the stimulation that is to be had only Liberty cabbage! What did Liberty ever do anyway, from the distillate from corn, notwithstanding that they that her name should be coupled up with an olfactory were all ambulatory cases. One patient was a police. association? And the Roland for the sauer-kraut's officer in plain clothes who stated that although the doctor Oliver, the frankfurter that you eat at noon and taste told him he had pneumonia and needed whiskey, he (the every now and then for the next twenty-four hours! patient our equipment of pronouns is not all that it might Liberty sausage, forsooth! And who is the guy who be, is it?) never felt better in his life, and to show how first suggested that we call German measles Liberty good he felt, he took the doctor along to the stationmeasles, and where did he ever tend bar? Did the house with him. The writer is credibly informed by the designation of this National Exanthem as German local Health Department that the sudden cessation of measles give aid and comfort to the enemy? If not, this therapy was not followed by an appreciable rise in the what was the idea of changing the name to Liberty death-rate. measles? Did his suggestion also have the effect of changing the name Herzfehlerzellen to Liberty cells, I wonder? And now along comes a crew with a suggestion that we revise our calendar and have thirteen months of twenty-eight days each. It would be a blessing for those of us who ever have occasion to reckon on what day will fall an event that may be expected 280 days from a given day in the past, and the calendar reform project deserves the support of the medical profession. But what do you suppose they suggest calling the thirteenth month? You never would guess. No! Liberty! Isn't that a pip? No, calendar reformers, call your thirteenth month Gregory, after the pope who reformed the calendar to its present form, or Pax, to celebrate the end of the great war, or X, after Article X, or Aspirin, after the product of which the sale financed most of the German propaganda in this country during the war, but just as surely as you add Liberty to the nomenclature of the months in addition to its present repertoire of cabbage, sausage, and measles, you will be starting something alongside of which the Russian debacle will be as the sigh of an amorous adolescent to the roar of a mighty tornado! Life is full of funny little coincidences, if you only have an eye out for them. Not long ago a doctor in our town a colored doctor, in fact was noticed to be having approximately 200 patients a day; they stood And here is another funny little coincidence. To combat the high cost of clothing, a great many people are pledging themselves to wear overalls. News of this plan had no sooner gotten around than the price of overalls in many stores jumped from $2 to $6. Perhaps that is why they call them "jumpers!" MR. HENRY FORD: Detroit, Mich. WASHINGTON, D. C., April 16, 1920. DEAR MR. FORD: The dealer here tells me that the machine I ordered recently will be here almost any time now, but he can't tell just when. If you would give this matter your personal attention and hurry it up I should be much obliged, as carfare here, which used to be six for a quarter and then five cents and is now four for a quarter, is going to be raised on May 1 to four for 30 cents. The Capital Traction Co. here said that it was making money on a straight five-cent fare, but the D. C. commissioners, or whoever attends to such things, said that if the Wash. Ry. and E. Co. had to raise its fare from five cents straight to four for a quarter, the Capital Traction Co. would have to do so to on acc't of its o:herwise getting all of the Wreco's patients away from it. Now the Capital Traction Co. has to raise its fare to four for 30 cents so as not to take an undue advantage of the Wreco, although there are quite a few people in town who would have no tears to shed if the Wreco's franchise were turned over to the Capital Traction Co. and the fare reduced to five cents. I read something in a book one time about the survival of the fittest, but it doesn't seem to have anything to do with the case here. At all events, please hurry up delivery on that Ford while gasoline is still only 291/2 cents a gallon. Yours very truly, R. SPILLMAN, M. D. RECIPE FOR POST-PRANDIAL ORATORY ESPECIALLY ADAPTED TO THE NEEDS OF MEDICAL STUDENTS* (First of a Series of Lectures on the Subject Delivered by Professor Pickwick Before the Students of the Dickinsonian College of Medicine.) M Y dear Students: As one of the senior members of the faculty of the Dickinsonian College of Medicine I have been asked to voice my opinion as to the advisabil-. ity of including a Post-Prandial Oratorical Course in your curriculum. Naturally, I foresaw that you would raise a storm of protest against any attempt on our part to increase the number of subjects to be taught, and I must admit the list is already long enough. When I therefore tell you, my dear students, that I advocated to the faculty to include such a course in your studies you will be convinced that I stated my opinion only Before I gave my decision I studied the question with my assistant, Professor Fiddlestick, from all possible angles. after due consideration and deliberation. We have taught you ourselves that many disorders of a serious nature arise and that even insanity may occur by overtaxing the brain, and we are surely the last to burden your minds unnecessarily. Fortunately, no cases of overtaxation among students are recorded in the annals of medical history, and I assure you also that we will do all that is in our power to prevent such a possibility in the future. However, nothing that is of value to your education should be neglected, and let me tell you that oratorical ability is expected of any man who lays claim to refinement and culture. It is a prime requisite. We have therefore decided to eliminate from the medical curriculum the subjects of Anatomy and Materia Medica, and to coach you instead in post-prandial oratory. After all, Anatomy and Materia Medica have no practical value any more and are only of interest from a historical point of view. Modern medicine is drifting more and more away from the empirical application of drugs and realizes that nature is the true curative agent for all disAll the medical man has to do is, to call upon nature to perform her task, and for this it has been found that prayers are most efficacious. For instance, one of eases. *Inspired by an announcement in The Spinal Column, MEDICAL PICK WICK, March, 1920. the most potent therapeutic prayers on the market is "Nearer My God to Thee." The time is not far distant when we will not speak any more of physicians, dentists, and pharmacists, but instead we will have "Christian" and "Mental Scientists." In order that you may become efficient modern practitioners, it is essential that you devote some time to oratorical exercises. It is superfluous for me to tell you that it is not how much a man knows, but how nice a man talks, that counts. The number of a doctor's patients is in direct proportion, or ratio, to the nicety of his talkative powers. Especially as future "Christian" or "Mental Scientists" it is particularly important that you cultivate the power of speech. The number of patients that are going to flock to you for therapeutic prayers will largely depend on your rhetorical talents. Cultivate a sense for applied literature. It is best done with a full stomach after dinner. Of course we do not expect you to become learned or literary men, for you are entitled to make a living, but there is no reason whatsoever why all of you should not be able to apply literature in a practical way. All post-prandial oratory is based on two principles which you can easily learn to apply: First: The adaptation of the literary products of other people to a given occasion, either with or without slight alterations. Second: The giving to familiar everyday words or expressions an uncommon meaning. Let me give you a few illustrations. Take, for instance, at random a passage from Shakespeare: "Friends, Romans, Countrymen, lend me your ears," and let us now see how, with only slight alterations, it can be made suitable for various occasions. At a funeral: "Friends, etc., lend me your tears." When cutting coupons: "Friends, etc., lend me your shears." A starving teacher: "Friends, etc., lend me your earrings." A surgeon: "Friends, etc., lend me your knife." A flirt: "Friends, etc., lend me your wife." A highwayman: "Friends, etc., lend me your life." You will now understand what is meant by applied literature. As a good example of the second principle I warmly recommend to you to study the following opening sentences of the speech Professor Fiddlestick recently delivered at our banquet. "Ladies and gentlemen: We are here assembled to celebrate the first anniversary of the existence of the Dickinsonian College of Medicine under the protection of the Stars and Stripes. The Stars and Stripes are not only symbolical of America, but appropriately represent the medical profession. Our patients after being stripped usually see stars. Also the colors are very well chosen to represent our profession. The Red and Blue stands for the blood that flows in the arteries and veins of our patients when they first come to us, and the White fittingly represents their color after they have undergone medical treatment." Notice, all Professor Fiddlestick did to produce his memorable speech was to give to the Stars and Stripes a new meaning, appropriate to the occasion. You see how simple the procedure is; proficiency can very easily be acquired; no brains, wit, humor or originality are needed; as a matter of fact, rather than being an asset they are generally considered detrimental to a popular post-prandial orator. I hope my discourse has kindled in you a strong desire to pursue diligently the post-prandial oratorical course and I feel sure you will find my suggestions of great help in your study. Next Monday I intend to deliver before you a complete after-dinner speech on the subject of "The quickest and safest way to communicate with Mars." The speech originated with a Texas oil promoter and was used by him to address an audience of prospective investors; afterwards it was remodeled into a lecture on "How to milk cows." Last year Professor Noodle slightly changed the speech for an address on the "Atomic composition of the Ion." In January the speech was again altered and used for a "Back to the Church Drive," and I finally received it from a bald-headed man who used it as an advertisement for a hair restorer." I shall show you how by slight changes here and there the same speech was effectively used on all these various occasions, and it will not have outlived its usefulness even after my next lecture. New York, N. Y. M. A. FINK, D. D. S. |