N NEBUCHADNEZZAR EBUCHADNEZZAR, King of Assyria, was universally acknowledged to be an A one sport. In his magnificent and up-to-date palace the highest of high jinks took place under his august patronage. By his personal exertions he increased the brilliancy of Babylon's Great White Way by several billion candle power. Prima donnas and star actresses received from him their most effective advertising. And in the brief intervals when he was not hitting the high places he would flit from kafe to kafe incognito. He persisted in this life of strenuous gayety for many years without taking any vacation, and when he came to the middle forties he began to feel its effect on his health. The fact that he was getting into a bad way physically was brought home to him with a sudden shock when an insurance company, to which he applied for an increase in his life insurance, absolutely rejected him. He consulted his family physician, who found that he had a rundown condition, but suggested that he see a specialist. The specialist found that he had a complication of diseases, and suggested that he take a course of treatment in a sanitarium, which he recommended. He went to the sanitarium, which was the most fashionable one in all Assyria, and there was given massage, electricity, the X-ray, the violet ray, all kinds of baths and exercises, and quantities of drugs. He failed to make any improvement, and returned to his palace much depressed. Next he took courses of treatment from Christian scientists, osteopaths, magnetic healers, clairvoyants and such like practitioners, but grew steadily worse. In desperation he put an advertisement in the morning papers, offering a fee of one million dollars to anyone who would cure him, but. coupling the offer with a threat of decapitation in case of failure. For several weeks no answer to this cure-or-be-killed advertisement was received. Finally, when he had about given up hope of anything coming from it, a physician of a shabby and unprosperous appearance rattled up to the palace in a dilapidated flivver, and announced that he was willing to take the king's case. The treatment which this physician ordered for the king was as follows: 1. That he break away completely from all his present acquaintances. 2. That he retire to a certain warm, dry region of the country, about two hundred miles from Babylon and live there in a tent, 3. That he get up every day at sunrise and walk two miles or more. 4. That he go to bed every night at 9 p. m. 5. That he eat nothing but milk, cereals, fruit and vegetables. 6. That he drink nothing but water. 7. That he do all these things for seven months. The king obeyed these directions to the letter and recovered his health, but the story went abroad that he had been crazy and had eaten grass like an ox. EDWARD E. CORNWALL, M. D. Brooklyn, N. Y. WELL! WHAT D'YA THE SPINAL COLUMN Gentlemen and Members of this Society: As President of the Medical Board of St. Vitus Hospital for in spite of all appearances, I am President of the Medical Board-I desire to accept the thanks of the Society for coming to their dinner this evening. I am doubly grateful for this opportunity. Firstly because I conference here assembled, my policies as President of the Medical Board as embodied in the following 14 points: First Point.-Itchy Hospital shall or shall not be fused with St. Vitus Hospital, provided only that I be President of the combined Medical Board. Second Point.-There shall be but one neurologistthe whom I am which. Third Point. Of the proposed 500 beds, not more than 451 shall be devoted to neurology. Fourth Point.-Routine examinations by the attending neurologist shall of necessity be made on ALL private patients, no matter what their ailment, if any. The other ten points are too numerous to mention. If you gentlemen, here in Congress assembled, fail to heed my pleas to defeat this League of Hospitals, may I not add that it will be incumbent upon me to appeal dorectly to the peepul-if necessary I will tour the entire city. have the unique privilege of being the only member of calling upon every physician to uphold me in my stand the Lay Board who has been allowed to pay for his dinner; and, secondly, because it enables me to go on record, publically, as being opposed to a third term as President, inasmuch as I am by no means sure of my election to a second term. As a neurologist-and by the way I am moving my office to the St. Vitus building, to be specific, 606 Madison Ave., where I see patients with all modern improve ments from 9 to 12 and by appointment-as a neurologist, I repeat, I have made a careful Siko-Analysis of the situation as it confronts our institution today. Itchy Hospital has had a dream in which she, an enfeebled old maid, saw herself sharing beds with St. Vitus. This Libido, acting upon her feeble mind, has served only to increase her yearning capacity and has left her with this strong desire for a connection with St. Vitus. St. Vitus, however, a strong and vigorous youth, being apprised by the License Bureau on behalf of Itchy, flees from the proffered embrace, emitting loud cries and shouting "Blooey de Blooey!!" which, translated from the sanskrit means "Take her away! She leaves me cold!" in this matter. Let us clearly understand that I myself do not clearly understand what my stand in this matter really is. Perhaps it will clear the situation if I recite again my 14 points-NO?? Gentlemen, I am resigned, but if the worst comes to worst, and the amalgamation does take place, I would suggest that the new hospital be still called the St. Vitus, the name of the building where my office is. In conclusion so that it will make it easier for the public to remember recalling for the moment with great grief the many Attending, I wish to thank the members of the Medical years that I was not on the Medical Board though an Board for their entire lack of unanimity on every question brought before it. Let me here quote the lines of the Immortal Bard, Mr. Wm. M. Shakespeare, who, I understand, died of spastic paraplegia : "Unchain the dogs of War! Expose the mailed Fist! When you're in doubt what you're about, Call a Neurologist." This dream has led to a breach of the public peace, or, stated conversely, a peace of the public breach, and, therefore, brings before the gentlemen of the peace New York, N. Y. CYRIL BARNERT, M. D. R THE MEDICAL PICKWICK is a monthly literary magazine for and by physicians Contributing Editors: George F. Butler, A. M., M. D. Floyd Burrows, M. D. This presents a rather bad outlook for the scientific physician. Poor fellow! Of course, there must be an error somewhere. It is not really true that the public likes to be humbugged, even if that great philosopher, P. T. Barnum, did say so. Rather, a certain portion of the public is so foolish and so devoid of reasoning power that it cannot protect itself. . But, in general, the public is very discriminating, and the people in the long run are more apt to be right All matter printed in THE MEDICAL PICKWICK, unless otherwise specified, than wrong on any question of judgment. is contributed exclusively to this magazine. Address all communications relating to editorial matter to the Editor, who will be pleased to consider manuscript suitable for publication in THE MEDICAL PICKWICK and will return those unavailable if postage is enclosed. He is not responsible for the opinions of contributors. All manuscripts and communications of a business nature should be addressed to Medical Pickwick Press, 15 East 26th Street, New York City. Subscription price in the United States, $3.00; Canada, $3.25; Foreign, $3.50. Single Copies, 35 cents. Copyright, 1920, by Medical Pickwick Press. He wants to be grasped by a friendly hand. He craves the twinkle in the old-fashioned family doctor's eye. He yearns for the sympathetic ear. He needs the comforting word, be it true or not. Now, if it is true that it is ten to one that the average individual will make his choice in the direction indicated, then, by a simple mathematical calculation, it can be deduced that ninety per cent. of the invalids must fall into the hands of the soft-shell doctors as opposed to the hard-shell variety. Let us admit then that, as primarily stated, the instinctive choice of both fool and wise man, in search of health, would be a healer who is endowed with those great and broad sympathies which go so far in transmuting hope into belief. Now, the wise man is endowed with a mental second wind, and when he gets that, he finds opportunity to consider. Either the man into whose hands he has placed the problem of his health has shown something behind his smile or with a handspring and a somersault, the "patient" catapults into the rival camp to take his place as a "case." He wants kindness and friendliness but he mainly wants to get well. Instinct put him on the road but he meets Common Sense along the way. Perhaps his solution is the right one. The man should be a patient but the data of his illness should constitute a case. The one merits a smile, the other deserves all the frowns and severity possible. |