THOUGHTS

ON THE LATE

DESTRUCTIVE PROPOSITIONS OF THE TORIES.'

BY A COMMON-COUNCILMAN.

I SAT me down in my easy chair,

1835.

To read, as usual, the morning papers; But--who shall describe my look of despair, When I came to Lefroy's "destructive" capers! That he that, of all live men, Lefroy Should join in the cry "Destroy, destroy!" Who, ev'n when a babe, as I've heard said, On Orange conserve was chiefly fed, And never, till now, a movement made That wasn't most manfully retrograde! Only think-to sweep from the light of day Mayors, maces, criers, and wigs away; To annihilatee-never to rise againA whole generation of aldermen, Nor leave them ev'n the' accustom'd tolls, To keep together their bodies and souls!At a time, too, when snug posts and places Are falling away from us one by one, Crash-crash-like the mummy-cases Belzoni, in Egypt, sat upon, Wherein lay pickled, in state sublime, Conservatives of the ancient time; To choose such a moment to overset The few snug nuisances left us yet; To add to the ruin that round us reigns, By knocking out mayors' and town-clerks' By dooming all corporate bodies to fall, Till they leave, at last, no bodies at allNought but the ghosts of by-gone glory, Wrecks of a world that once was Tory! Where pensive criers, like owls unblest, Robb'd of their roosts, shall still hoot o'er them! Nor mayors shall know where to seek a nest, Till Gally Knight shall find one for them;Till mayors and kings, with none to rue 'em, Shall perish all in one common plague; And the sovereigns of Belfast and Tuam Must join their brother, Charles Dix, at Prague.

Thus mus'd I, in my chair, alone,
(As above describ'd) till dozy grown,
And nodding assent to my own opinions,
I found myself borne to sleep's dominions,
Where, lo, before my dreaming eyes,

brains;

A new House of Commons appear'd to rise, Whose living contents, to fancy's survey, Seem'd to me all turn'd topsy-turvy —

;

I These verses were written in reference to the Bill brought in at this time, for the reform of Corporations, and the sweeping amend

A jumble of polypi-nobody knew
Which was the head or which the queue.
Here, Inglis, turn'd to a sans-culotte,
Was dancing the hays with Hume and Grote:
There, ripe for riot, Recorder Shaw

Was learning from Roebuck "Ça-ira;"
While Stanley and Graham, as poissarde wenches,
Scream'd" à bas !" from the Tory benches;
And Peel and O'Connell, cheek by jowl,
Were dancing an Irish carmagnole.

The Lord preserve us!- if dreams come true,
What is this hapless realm to do?

"We are ever standing on the defensive. All that we say to them is, leave us alone. The Established Church is part and parcel of the constitution of this country. You are bound to conform to this

flow'd on,

Letter in The Times, Nov. 1838.

COME, list to my pastoral tones,

In clover my shepherds I keep; My stalls are well furnish'd with drones, Whose preaching invites one to sleep. At my spirit let infidels scoff,

So they leave but the substance my own; For, in sooth, I'm extremely well off,

If the world will but let me alone.

Dissenters are grumblers, we know;-
Though excellent men, in their way,
They never like things to be so,

Let things be however they may.
But dissenting's a trick I detest;

And, besides, 'tis an axiom well known, The creed that's best paid is the best, If the unpaid would let it alone.

To me, I own, very surprising

Your Newmans and Puseys all seem,

1838.

1 The zoological term for a tithe-eater.

The man found by Scheuchzer, and supposed by him to have

witnessed the Deluge ("homo diluvii testis "), but who turned out, I am sorry to say, to be merely a great lizard.

3 Particularly the formation called Transition Trap.

But this, by the way - my intention being chiefly In this, my first letter, to hint to you briefly, That, seeing how fond you of Tuum must be, While Meum's at all times the main point with me,

To set these sad Anti-Church times at defiance: !
You, John, recollect, being still to embark,
With no share in the firm but your title and mark;
Or ev'n should you feel in your grandeur inclin'd
To call yourself Pope, why, I shouldn't much mind;
While my church as usual holds fast by your Tuum,
And every one else's, to make it all Suum.

Thus allied, I've no doubt we shall nicely agree, As no twins can be liker, in most points than we; Both, specimens choice of that mix'd sort of beast, (See Rev. xiii. 1.) a political priest;

Both mettlesome chargers, both brisk pamphleteers, Ripe and ready for all that sets men by the ears; And I, at least one, who would scorn to stick longer By any giv'n cause than I found it the stronger, And who, smooth in my turnings as if on a swivel. When the tone ecclesiastic won't do, try the civil.

Now in the mud, now in the air
And, so 'tis for mischief; reckless where.

As to my knowledge, there's no end to❜t,
For where I haven't it, I pretend to't;
And, 'stead of taking a learn'd degree
At some dull university,

Puck found it handier to commence
With a certain share of impudence,

Which passes one off as learn'd and clever,
Beyond all other degrees whatever;
And enables a man of lively sconce
To be Master of all the Arts at once.
No matter what the science may be-
Ethics, Physics, Theology,
Mathematics, Hydrostatics,
Aerostatics or Pneumatics-
Whatever it be, I take my luck,
"Tis all the same to ancient Puck;
Whose head's so full of all sorts of wares,
That a brother imp, old Smugden, swears
If I had but of law a little smatt'ring,
I'd then be perfect' — which is flatt'ring.

My skill as a linguist all must know
Who met me abroad some months ago;
(And heard me abroad exceedingly, too,
In the moods and tenses of purlez-vous)
When, as old Chambaud's shade stood mute,
I spoke, such French to the Institute
As puzzled those learned Thebans much,
To know if 'twas Sanskrit or High Dutch,
And might have pass'd with the' unobserving
As one of the unknown tongues of Irving.
As to my talent for ubiquity,
There's nothing like it in all antiquity.
Like Mungo (my peculiar care),

"I'm here, I'm dere, I'm ebery where."2
If any one's wanted to take the chair,
Upon any subject, anywhere,

Just look around and - Puck is there!
When slaughter's at hand, your bird of prey
Is never known to be out of the way;
And wherever mischief's to be got,
There's Puck instanter on the spot.

Only find me in negus and applause,
And I'm your man for any cause.
If wrong the cause, the more my delight;
But I don't object to it, ev'n when right,
If I only can vex some old friend by't;
There's D-rh-m, for instance;-to worry him
Fills up my cup of bliss to the brim!

1 Verbatim, as said. This tribute is only equalled by that of Talleyrand to his medical friend, Dr. —: "Il se connoit en tout; et même un peu en médecine."

2 Song in "The Padlock."

3 For an account of the coin called Talents by the ancients, see Budeus de Asse, and the other writers de Re Nummaria.