Oh no, my Lord-there's none can do
Or say un-English things like you;
And, if the schemes that fill thy breast
Could but a vent congenial seek,
And use the tongue that suits them best,

What charming Turkish wouldst thou speak! But as for me, a Frenchless grub,

At Congress never born to stammer,

Nor learn like thee, my Lord, to snub

Fall'n Monarchs, out of CHAMBAUD'S grammarBless you, you do not, cannot know How far a little French will go;

Your Lordship's praises of the scraps

I sent you from my Journal lately, (Enveloping a few lac'd caps

For Lady C.) delight me greatly.

Her flatt'ring speech-"what pretty things
"One finds in Mr. FUDGE's pages!"
Is praise which (as some poet sings)
Would pay one for the toils of ages.

Thus flatter'd, I presume to send
A few more extracts by a friend;
And I should hope they'll be no less
Approv'd of than my last MS.-
The former ones, I fear, were creas'd,

As BIDDY round the caps would pin them! But these will come to hand, at least Unrumpled, for there's nothing in them.

Went to the Mad-house-
-saw the man,'
Who thinks, poor wretch, that, while the Fiend
Of Discord here full riot ran,

He, like the rest, was guillotin'd;-
But that when, under BONEY's reign,

(A more discreet, though quite as strong one,) The heads were all restor'd again,

He, in the scramble, got a wrong one. Accordingly, he still cries out

This strange head fits him most unpleasantly; And always runs, poor devil, about, Inquiring for his own incessantly.

How many heads might thus be swopp'd,
And, after all, not make much odds!
For instance, there's V-s-TT-T's head -
("Tam carum" it may well be said)
If by some curious chance it came

To settle on BILL SOAMES's shoulders,
The' effect would turn out much the same
On all respectable cash-holders:
Except that while, in its new socket,

The head was planning schemes to win A zig-zag way into one's pocket,

The hands would plunge directly in.

Good Viscount S-DM-H, too, instead Of his own grave, respected head, Might wear (for aught I see that bars)

Old Lady WILHELMINA FRUMP'S

So while the hand sign'd Circulars,

The head might lisp out, "What is trumps?"— The R-G-T's brains could we transfer

To some robust man-milliner,

The shop, the shears, the lace, and ribbon
Would go, I doubt not, quite as glib on;
And, vice versâ, take the pains

To give the P-CE the shopman's brains,
One only change from thence would flow,
Ribbons would not be wasted so.

"Twas thus I ponder'd on, my Lord;

And, ev'n at night, when laid in bed,

I found myself, before I snor'd,

Thus chopping, swopping head for head, At length I thought, fantastic elf! How such a change would suit myself. "Twixt sleep and waking, one by one, With various pericraniums saddled, At last I tried your Lordship's on,

And then I grew completely addled Forgot all other heads, od rot 'em! And slept, and dreamt that I was—

Walk'd out with daughter Bid

-BOTTOM.

Aug. 21. was shown

1 I am afraid that Mr. Fudge alludes here to a very awkward accident, which is well known to have happened to poor Ls le D-sé, some years since, at one of the R-g-t's Fêtes. He was sitting next our gracious Queen at the time.

2 "The third day of the Feast the King causeth himself to be weighed with great care."-F. Bernier's Voyage to Surat, &c.

"I remember," says Bernier, that all the Omrahs expressed great joy that the King weighed two pounds more now than the year preceding."-Another author tells us that "Fatness, as well as a very large head, is considered, throughout India, as one of the most precious gifts of heaven. An enormous skull is absolutely revered, and the happy owner is looked up to as a superior being. To a Prince a joulter head is invaluable.". -Oriental Field Sports. 4 Major Cartwright.

5 The name of the first worthy who set up the trade of informer at Rome (to whom our Olivers and Castleses ought to erect a statue) was Romanus Hispo;-"qui formam vitæ iniit, quam

To whisper Bishops — and so nigh
Unto their wigs in whisp'ring goes,
That you may always know him by
A patch of powder on his nose ! —
If this won't do, we in must cram
The

Reasons" of Lord B-CK-GH-Y;
(A Book his Lordship means to write,
Entitled "Reasons for my Ratting :")
Or, should these prove too small and light,
His r-p's a host-we'll bundle that in!
And, still should all these masses fail
To turn the R-G-T's ponderous scale,
Why then, my Lord, in heaven's name,
Pitch in, without reserve or stint,

The whole of R-GL-Y's beauteous DameIf that won't raise him, devil's in't.

But, bless the fools, they can't be serious,
To say Lord S-DM-TH's like TIBERIUS!
What! he, the Peer, that injures no mau,
Like that severe, blood-thirsty Roman!-
'Tis true, the Tyrant lent an ear to
All sorts of spies-so doth the Peer, too.
'Tis true my Lord's Elect tell fibs,
And deal in perjury-ditto TIB'S.
'Tis true, the Tyrant screen'd and hid
His rogues from justice-ditto SID.
'Tis true the Peer is grave and glib
At moral speeches-ditto TIB."
'Tis true, the feats the Tyrant did
Were in his dotage-ditto SID.

So far, I own, the parallel
"Twixt TIB and SID goes vastly well;
But there are points in TIB that strike
My humble mind as much more like
Yourself, my dearest Lord, or him,

Of the' India Board-that soul of whim!
Like him, TIBERIUS lov'd his joke,"

On matters, too, where few can bear one;

postea celebrem miseria temporum et audacia hominum fecerunt.* - TACIT. Annal. i. 74.

6 They certainly possessed the same art of instigating their victims which the Report of the Secret Committee attributes to Lord Sutmouth's agents: -"socius (says Tacitus of one of them) libidinum et necessitatum, quo pluribus indiciis inligaret."

7" Neque tamen id Sereno noxæ fuit, quem odium pači tutiorem faciebat. Nam ut quis districtior accusator reist sanctus erat."- Annal. lib. iv. 36. Or, as it is translated by Mr. = 29 Fudge's friend, Murphy :-"This daring accuser had the of the people, and the protection of the Emperor. Informera, is pos portion as they rose in guilt, became sacred characters."

8 Murphy even confers upon one of his speeches the eme "constitutional." Mr. Fudge might have added to his para that Tiberius was a good private character:-" egregium vită fază” que quoad privatus."

9"Ludibria seriis permiscere solitus."

What's to be done?-Spa-Fields was clever;
But even that brought gibes and mockings
Upon our heads-so, mem.-must never
Keep ammunition in old stockings;
For fear some wag should in his curst head
Take it to say our force was worsted.
Mem. too-
when SID an army raises,
It must not be "incog." like Bayes's:
Nor must the General be a hobbling
Professor of the art of cobbling;
Lest men, who perpetrate such puns,
Should say, with Jacobinic grin,
He felt, from soleing Wellingtons, 2
A Wellington's great soul within!
Nor must an old Apothecary

Go take the Tower, for lack of pence,
With (what these wags would call, so merry,)
Physical force and phial-ence!
No-no-our Plot, my Lord, must be
Next time contriv'd more skilfully.
John Bull, I grieve to say, is growing
So troublesomely sharp and knowing,
So wise-in short, so Jacobin
"Tis monstrous hard to take him in.

! There is one point of resemblance between Tiberius and Lord C. hich Mr. Fudge might have mentioned" suspensa semper et obscura verba."

2 Short boots, so called.

3 The open countenance, recommended by Lord Chesterfield.

* Mr. Fudge is a little mistaken here. It was not Grimaldi, but

Heard of the fate of our Ambassador

Sept. 6.

In China, and was sorely nettled;
But think, my Lord, we should not pass it o'er
Till all this matter's fairly settled;
And here's the mode occurs to me :-
As none of our Nobility,

Though for their own most gracious King
(They would kiss hands, or- - anything),
Can be persuaded to go through
This farce-like trick of the Ko-tou;
And as these Mandarins won't bend,
Without some mumming exhibition,
Suppose, my Lord, you were to send
GRIMALDI to them on a mission:
As Legate, JOE could play his part,
And if, in diplomatic art,

The "volto sciolto "3's meritorious,
Let JOE but grin, he has it, glorious!
A title for him's easily made;

And, by-the-by, one Christmas time,
If I remember right, he play'd

Lord MORLEY in some pantomime;‘.
As Earl of M-RL-Y then gazette him,
If t'other Earl of M-RL-Y'll let him.
(And why should not the world be blest
With two such stars, for East and West?)
Then, when before the Yellow Screen

He's brought-and, sure, the very essence Of etiquette would be that scene

66

He thus should say:- "Duke Ho and Soo,
I'll play what tricks you please for you,
"If you'll, in turn, but do for me
"A few small tricks you now shall see.
"If I consult your Emperor's liking,

"At least you'll do the same for my King."
He then should give them nine such grins,
As would astound ev'n Mandarins;
And throw such somersets before

The picture of King GEORGE (God bless him!)
As, should Duke Ho but try them o'er,
Would, by CONFUCIUS, much distress him!

I start this merely as a hint,

But think you'll find some wisdom in't;
And, should you follow up the job,
My son, my Lord (you know poor BOB),
Would in the suite be glad to go
And help his Excellency, JOE;-
At least, like noble AмH-RST's son,
The lad will do to practise on."

some very inferior performer, who played this part of "Lord Morley" in the pantomime, so much to the horror of the distinguished Earl of that name. The expostulatory letters of the Noble Earl to Mr. H-rr-s, upon this vulgar profanation of his spick-and-span new title, will, I trust, some time or other, be given to the world.

5 See Mr. Ellis's account of the Embassy.

I See Lady Morgan's "France" for the anecdote, told her by Madame de Genlis, of the young gentleman whose love was cured by finding that his mistress wore a shawl" peau de lapin."

2 The cars, on the return, are dragged up slowly by a chain.

3 Mr. Bob need not be ashamed of his cookery jokes, when he is kept in countenance by such men as Cicero, St. Augustine, and that jovial bishop, Venantius Fortunatus. The pun of the great orator upon the "jus Verrinum," which he calls bad hog-broth, from a play upon both the words, is well known; and the Saint's puns upon the conversion of Lot's wife into salt are equally ingenious: "In salem conversa hominibus fidelibus quoddam præstitit condimentum, quo sapiant aliquid, unde illud caveatur exemplum." De Civitat. Dei, lib. xvi. cap. 30.- The jokes of the pious favourite

You shall hear all that's happen'd, just briefly run

over,

Since that happy night, when we whisk'd through the air!

Let me see 'twas on Saturday-yes, DOLLY,

yes

From that evening I date the first dawn of my When we both rattled off in that dear little carbliss,

riage,

Whose journey, BOB says, is so like Love and Marriage,

"Beginning gay, desperate, dashing, down-hilly, "And ending as dull as a six-inside Dilly!"? Well, scarcely a wink did I sleep the night through;

And, next day, having scribbled my letter to you,
With a heart full of hope this sweet fellow to meet,
I set out with Papa, to see LOUIS DIX-HUIT
Make his bow to some half dozen women and boys,
Who get up a small concert of shrill Vive le Rois-
And how vastly genteeler, my dear, even this is,
Than vulgar Pall-Mall's oratorio of hisses!
The gardens seem'd full-so, of course, we walked
o'er 'em,

'Mong orange-trees, clipp'd into town-bred deco

rum,

And daphnes, and vases, and many a statue, There staring, with not ev'n a stitch on them, st you!

The ponds, too, we view'd-stood awhile on the brink

To contemplate the play of those pretty gold

fishes

"Live bullion," says merciless BOB, "which, I think,

"Would, if coin'd, with a little mint sauce, be delicious!" 3

But what, DOLLY, what, is the gay orange-grove,
Or gold fishes, to her that's in search of her love?
In vain did I wildly explore every chair
Where a thing like a man was—no lover sat there!
In vain my fond eyes did I eagerly cast
At the whiskers, mustachios, and wigs that went
past,

of Queen Radagunda, the convivial Bishop Venantius, may be found among his poems, in some lines against a cook who had robbed him. The following is similar to Cicero's pan : —

Plus juscella Coci quam mea jura valent.

See his poems, Corpus Poetar. Latin. tom. ii. p. 1732.- Of the same kind was Montmaur's joke, when a dish was spilt over his "summum jus, summa injuria ;" and the same celebrated parasite, in ordering a sole to be placed before him, said,— Eligi cui dicas, tu mihi sola places.

The reader may likewise see, among a good deal of kitchen eradition, the learned Lipsius's jokes on cutting up a capon in his Saturnal. Sermon. lib. ii. cap. 2.

To obtain, if I could, but a glance at that curl,
A glimpse of those whiskers, as sacred, my girl,
As the lock that, Pa says,' is to Mussulmen giv'n,
For the angel to hold by that "lugs them to heav'n!"
Alas, there went by me full many a quiz,

| And mustachios in plenty, but nothing like his! Disappointed, I found myself sighing out "well-aday,"

Thought of the words of T-м M-RE's Irish Melody,

Something about the "green spot of delight" 2 (Which, you know, Captain MACKINTOSH sung to us one day):

Ah DOLLY, my "spot" was that Saturday night, And its verdure, how fleeting, had wither'd by Sunday!

We dined at a tavern-La, what do I say?

If Boв was to know!-a Restaurateur's, dear; Where your properest ladies go dine every day, And drink Burgundy out of large tumblers, like

beer.

Fine BOB (for he's really grown super-fine)

Condescended, for once, to make one of the party; Of course, though but three, we had dinner for nine, And in spite of my grief, love, I own I ate hearty. Indeed, DOLL, I know not how 'tis, but, in grief, I have always found eating a wondrous relief; And Boв, who's in love, said he felt the same, quite

"My sighs," said he, "ceas'd with the first glass I drank you;

"The lamb made me tranquil, the puffs made me light,

And

-now that all's o'er - why, I'm-pretty
well, thank you!"

To my great annoyance, we sat rather late;
For BOBBY and Pa had a furious debate
About singing and cookery - BOBBY, of course,
Standing up for the latter Fine Art in full force;
And Pa saying, "God only knows which is worst,
The French Singers or Cooks, but I wish us
well over it

"What with old LAÏS and VÉRY, I'm curst
"If my head or my stomach will ever recover it!"

Twas dark when we got to the Boulevards to stroll, And in vain did I look 'mong the street Macaronis,

1 For this scrap of knowledge "Pa" was, I suspect, indebted to a note upon Volney's Ruins; a book which usually forms part of a Jacobin's library, and with which Mr. Fudge must have been well sequainted at the time when he wrote his "Down with Kings," 2. The note in Volney is as follows:-"It is by this tuft of hair on the crown of the head), worn by the majority of Mussulmane, that the Angel of the Tomb is to take the elect and carry them to Paradise."

? The young lady, whose memory is not very correct, must allude, I think, to the following lines ;

Oh that fairy form is ne'er forgot,

Which First Love trac'd;

Still it ling'ring haunts the greenest spot

On Memory's waste!

He join'd us-imagine, dear creature, my ecstasy Join'd by the man I'd have broken ten necks to see! BOB wished to treat him with Punch à la glace, But the sweet fellow swore that my beauté, my grace, And my je-ne-sais-quoi (then his whiskers he twirl'd)

Were, to him, "on de top of all Ponch in de vorld."

How pretty! though oft (as of course it must be) Both his French and his English are Greek, DOLL,

[vext

But, lord, -there's Papa for the postI'm so Montmorency must now, love, be kept for my next.

3 Cookery has been dignified by the researches of a Bacon; (see his Natural History, Receipts, &c.) and takes its station as one of the Fine Arts in the following passage of Mr. Dugald Stewart:"Agreeably to this view of the subject, sweet may be said to be intrinsically pleasing, and bitter to be relatively pleasing; which both are, in many cases, equally essential to those effects, which, in the art of cookery, correspond to that composite beauty, which it is the object of the painter and of the poet to create."-Philosophical Essays.

4 A fashionable café glacier on the Italian Boulevards.

5 "You eat your ice at Tortoni's," says Mr. Scott, "under a Grecian group."

6 Not an unusual mistake with foreigners.