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LETTER IV.

Tommy whisper'd him (giving his Lordship a sly

hit) “ I fear 'twill be hung-beef, my Lord, if you try

it !”

FROM THE RIGHT HON. P-TR-CK D-GEN-N

TO THE RIGHT HON. SIR J-HN N-CH-L.

And C-md-2 was there, who, that morning,

Dublin.

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Last week, dear N-ch-1, making merry At dinner with our Secretary, When all were drunk, or pretty near (The time for doing business here), Says he to me, “ Sweet Bully Bottom! “ These Papist dogs - hiccup-od rot 'em! “ Deserve to be bespatter'd— hiccup“ With all the dirt ev’n you can pick up. “ But, as the Pr-ce (here's to him — fill * Hip, hip, hurra !)— is trying still “ To humbug them with kind professions,

And, as you deal in strong expressions — “ Roguetraitor" hiccup- and all that

You must be muzzled, Doctor Pat!“ You must indeed - hiccup- that's flat.” —

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When the dinner was over, we drank every one In a bumper, “ the venial delights of Crim. Con.;" At which H-df-t with warm reminiscences

gloated, And E-b'r—h chuckled to hear himself quoted.

Our next round of toasts was a fancy quite new, For we drank — and you'll own 'twas benevolent

too

To those well-meaning husbands, cits, parsons, or

peers, Whom we've, any time, honour'd by courting

their dears : This museum of wittols was comical rather; Old H-df-t gave M-ss-y, and I gave your

f-th-r.

Yes—“muzzled” was the word, Sir John-
These fools have clapp'd a muzzle on
The boldest mouth that e'er ran o'er
With slaver of the times of yore !3—
Was it for this that back I went
As far as Lateran and Trent,
To
prove

that they, who damn'd us then,
Ought now, in turn, be damn'd again ?-
The silent victim still to sit
Of Gr-tt-n's fire and C-on-g's wit,
To hear ev’n noisy M-th-w gabble on,
Nor mention once the W-e of Babylon !
Oh ! 'tis too much — who now will be
The Nightman of No-Popery?
What Courtier, Saint, or even Bishop,
Such learned filth will ever fish up ?
If there among our ranks be one
To take my place, 'tis thou, Sir John ;
Thou, who, like me, art dubb’d Right Hon.
Like me too, art a Lawyer Civil
That wishes Papists at the devil.

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To whom then but to thee, my friend,
Should Patrick 4 his Port-folio send ?
Take it—'tis thine- his learn’d Port-folio,
With all its theologic olio
Of Bulls, half Irish and half Roman
Of Doctrines, now believ'd by no man-

I Colonel M Mahon.

the"muzzle" has been taken off, and the Right Hon. Doctor This letter, which contained some very heavy enclosures, again let loose ! seems to have been sent to London by a private hand, and 4 A bad name for poetry; but D-gen-n is still worse. then put into the Twopenny Post-Office, to save trouble. See As Prudentius says upon a very different subject the Appendix.

Torquetur Apollo 3 In sending this sheet to the Press, however, I learn that

Nomine percussus.

Of Councils, held for men's salvation,

But I can't conceive how, in this very cold weather, Yet always ending in damnation

I'm ever to bring my five hundred together ; (Which shows that, since the world's creation, As, unless the thermometer's near boiling heat, Your Priests, whate'er their gentle shamming, One can never get half of one's hundreds to meet. Have always had a taste for damning,)

(Apropos — you'd have laugh'd to see Townsend And many more such pious scraps,

last night, To prove (what we've long prov'd, perhaps,) Escort to their chairs, with his staff, so polite, That, mad as Christians us'd to be

The “ three maiden Miseries," all in a fright; About the Thirteenth Century,

Poor Townsend, like Mercury, filling two posts, There still are Christians to be had

Supervisor of thieves, and chief-usher of ghosts !) In this, the Nineteenth, just as mad!

But, my dear Lady- can't you hit on Farewell — I send with this, dear N-ch—1,

some notion, A rod or two I've had in pickle

At least for one night to set London in motion? — Wherewith to trim old Gr—tt-n's jacket.

As to having the R-8-nt, that show is gone by — The rest shall go by Monday's packet.

Besides, I've remark'd that (between you and I)

The Marchesa and he, inconvenient in more ways,
P. D.

Have taken much lately to whispering indoorways;
Which — consid'ring, you know, dear, the size of

the twoAmong the Enclosures in the foregoing Letter was

Makes a block that one's company cannot get the following Unanswerable Argument against

through ; the Papists."

And a house such as mine is, with doorways so

small, WE'RE told the ancient Roman nation

Has no room for such cumbersome love-work at Made use of spittle in lustration ;!

all.(Vide Lactantium ap. Gallæum

(Apropos, though, of love-work — you've heard it, i. e. you need not read but see 'em ;)

I hope, Now, Irish Papists, fact surprising,

That Napoleon's old mother's to marry the Pope,Make use of spittle in baptizing ;

What a comical pair !)—but, to stick to my Rout, Which proves them all, O'Finns, O'Fagans, 'Twill be hard if some novelty can't be struck out. Connors, and Tooles, all downright Pagans. Is there no Algerine, no Kamchatkan arriv'd? This fact's enough ;- let no one tell us No Plenipo Pacha, three-tail'd and ten-wiv'd ? To free such sad, salivous fellows. —

No Russian, whose dissonant consonant name No, no—the man, baptiz’d with spittle, Almost rattles to fragments the trumpet of fame? Hath no truth in him— not a tittle !

I remember the time, three or four winters back, When - provided their wigs were but decently

black A few Patriot monsters, from Spain, were a sight

That would people one's house for one, night after LETTER V.

night.

But - whether the Ministers paw'd them too FROM THE COUNTESS DOWAGER OF C-RK

much (And you know how they spoil whatsoever they

touch) My dear Lady! I've been just sending out Or, whether Lord G-rge (the young man about About five hundred cards for a snug little Rout

town) (By the bye, you've seen Rokeby 2 —this moment Has, by dint of bad poetry, written them down, got mine

One has certainly lost one's peninsular rage ; The Mail-Coach Edition 3- prodigiously fine ;) And the only stray Patriot seen for an age

- 2

TO LADY

Lustralibus ante salivis

non veremur sacrum baptismum a Papistis profanari, et sputi Expiat.

PERS. sat. 2.

usum in peccatorum expiatione a Paganis non a Christianis 2 I have taken the trouble of examining the Doctor's re- manasse.ference here, and find him, for once, correct. The following 3 See Mr. Murray's Advertisement about the Mail-Coach are the words of his indignant referee, Gallæus:-“ Asserere copies of Rokeby.

Has been at such places (think, how the fit cools!) Thy head still near the bowstring's borders, As old Mrs. V-gh-n's or Lord L-V-rp-l’s. And but left on till further orders —

Through London streets with turban fair, But, in short, my dear, names like Wintztschit- | And caftan, floating to the air, stopschinzoudhoff

I saunter on, the admiration Are the only things now make an ev’ning go Of this short-coated population smooth off :

This sew'd up race - this button'd nation So, get me a Russian - till death I'm your debtor - Who, while they boast their laws so free, If he brings the whole Alphabet, so much the bet- Leave not one limb at liberty, ter.

But live, with all their lordly speeches, And - Lord! if he would but, in character, sup The slaves of buttons and tight breeches. Off his fish-oil and candles, he'd quite set me up!

Yet, though they thus their knee-pans fetter Au revoir, my sweet girl — I must leave you in (They're Christians, and they know no better) haste

In some things they're a thinking nation ; Little Gunter has brought me the Liqueurs to taste. And, on Religious Toleration,

I own I like their notions quite,

They are so Persian and so right!
POSTSCRIPT.

You know our Sunnites +, -hateful dogs !

Whom every pious Shiite flogs By the bye, have you found any friend that can

Or longs to flog 5 — 'tis true, they pray

To God, but in an ill-bred way; construe

With neither arms, nor legs, nor faces
That Latin account, t'other day, of a Monster ? !

Stuck in their right, canonic places.6
If we can't get a Russian, and that thing in Latin
Be not too improper, I think I'll bring that in.

'Tis true, they worship Ali's name?
Their Heav'n and ours are just the same -
(A Persian's Heav'n is easily made,
'Tis but black eyes and lemonade.)

Yet, though we've tried for centuries back —
LETTER VI.

We can't persuade this stubborn pack,

By bastinadoes, screws, or nippers, FROM ABDALLAH, IN LONDON, TO MOHASSAN, To wear th' establish'd pea-green slippers.

Then, only think, the libertines !

They wash their toes-- they comb their chins?, Whilst thou, Mohassan, (happy thou!) With many more such deadly sins ; Dost daily bend thy loyal brow

And what's the worst (though last I rank it), Before our King -our Asia's treasure !

Believe the Chapter of the Blanket!
Nutmeg of Comfort; Rose of Pleasure !
And bear'st as many kicks and bruises

Yet, spite of tenets so flagitious,
As the said Rose and Nutmeg chooses ;

(Which must, at bottom, be seditious;

IN ISPAHAN.

1 Alluding, I suppose, to the Latin Advertisement of a between them turn chiefly upon those important points, Lusus Naturæ in the Newspapers lately.

which our pious friend Abdallah, in the true spirit of Shiite ? I have made many inquiries about this Persian gentle- Ascendency, reprobates in this Letter. man, but cannot satisfactorily ascertain who he is. From 5 “Les Sunnites, qui étoient comme les Catholiques de his notions of Religious Liberty, however, I conclude that he Musulmanisme." - D'Herbelot. is an importation of Ministers; and he has arrived just in 6 " In contradistinction to the Sounis, who in their prayers time to assist the Pe and Mr. L-cke in their new cross their hands on the lower part of their breast, the SchiOriental Plan of Reform. - See the second of these Letters. ahs drop their arms in straight lines; and as the Sounis, at How Abdallah's epistle to Ispahan found its way into the certain periods of the prayer, press their foreheads on the Twopenny Post-Bag is more than I can pretend to account ground or carpet, the Schiahs," &c. &c. - Forster's Voyage. for.

7 " Les Turcs ne détestent pas Ali réciproquement; au 3 " C'est un honnête homme," said a Turkish governor of contraire, ils le reconnoissent," &c. &c. - Chardin. De Ruyter; "c'est grand dommage qu'il soit Chrétien."

• The Shiites wear green slippers, which the Sunnites 4 Sunnites and Shiites are the two leading sects into which consider as a great abomination." -Mariti. the Mahometan world is divided ; and they have gone on 9 For these points of difference, as well as for the Chapter cursing and persecutin a each other, without any intermission, of the Blanket, I must refer the reader (not having the book for about eleven hundred years. The Sunni is the established by me) to Picart's Account of the Mahometan Sects. sect in Turkey, and the Shia in Persia; and the differences

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LETTER VII.

FROM MESSRS. CK-GTN AND CO. TO

| ESQ.2

Since no man living would refuse
Green slippers, but from treasonous views;
Nor wash his toes, but with intent
To overturn the government,)-
Such is our mild and tolerant way,
We only curse them twice a day
(According to a Form that's set),
And, far from torturing, only let
All orthodox believers beat 'em,
And twitch their beards, where'er they meet 'em.

As to the rest, they're free to do
Whate'er their fancy prompts them to,
Provided they make nothing of it
Tow'rds rank or honour, power or profit;
Which things, we nat'rally expect,
Belong to us, the Establish'd sect,
Who disbelieve (the Lord be thanked!)
Th' aforesaid Chapter of the Blanket.
The same mild views of Toleration
Inspire, I find, this button'd nation,
Whose Papists (full as giv'n to rogue,
And only Sunnites with a brogue)
Fare just as well, with all their fuss,
As rascal Sunnites do with us.

PER Post, Sir, we send your MS.— look'd it thro'-
Very sorry — but can't undertake— 'twouldn't do.
Clever work, Sir!. would get up prodigiously

well-
Its only defect is - it never would sell.
And though Statesmen may glory in being un-

bought,
In an Author 'tis not so desirable thought.

Hard times, Sir, - most books are too dear to

be read Though the gold of Good-sense and Wit's small

change are fled, Yet the paper we Publishers pass, in their stead, Rises higher each day, and ('tis frightful to think

it) Not even such names as F—tzg—r—d's can sink

it!

However, Sir— if you're for trying again,
And at somewhat that's vendible - we are your

The tender Gazel I enclose
Is for my love, my Syrian Rose –
Take it when night begins to fall,
And throw it o'er her mother's wall.

men.

GAZEL.

Since the Chevalier C-rr3 took to marrying

lately, The Trade is in want of a Traveller greatly No job, Sir, more easy — your Country once

plann'd, A month aboard ship and a fortnight on land Puts your Quarto of Travels, Sir, clean out of hand.

REMEMBEREST thou the hour we past, -
That hour the happiest and the last?
Oh! not so sweet the Siha thorn
To summer bees, at break of morn,
Not half so sweet, through dale and dell,
To Camels' ears the tinkling bell,
As is the soothing memory
Of that one precious hour to me.
How can we live, so far apart?
Oh! why not rather, heart to heart,

United live and die-
Like those sweet birds, that fly together,
With feather always touching feather,

Link'd by a hook and eye!!

An East-India pamphlet's a thing that would

tell
And a lick at the Papists is sure to sell well.
Or-supposing you've nothing original in you
Write Parodies, Sir, and such fame it will win you,
You'll get to the Blue-stocking Routs of Albinia! 4
(Mind — not to her dinners, a second-hand Muse
Must'nt think of aspiring to mess with the Blues.)
Or- in case nothing else in this world you can

do-
The deuce is in't, Sir, if you cannot review!

| This will appear strange to an English reader, but it is I suppress the name of the Author, whose rejected manuliterally translated from Abdallah's Persian, and the curious script was inclosed in this letter.- See the Appendix. bird to wbich he alludes is the Juftak, of which I find the fol- 3 Sir John Carr, the author of " Tours in Ireland, Holland, loring account in Richardson :--"A sort of bird, that is said Sweden," &c. &c. to have but one wing : on the opposite side to which the male 4 This alludes, I believe, to a curious correspondence, bas a hook and the female a ring, so that, when they fly, they which is said to have passed lately between Alb-n-a, are fastened together."

Countess of B-ck-gh-ms-e, and a certain ingenious * From motives of delicacy, and, indeed, of fellow-feeling, Parodist.

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Should

you
feel

any touch of poetical glow, We've a Scheme to suggest — Mr. Sc-tt, you must

know,
(Who, we're sorry to say it, now works for the

Row !,)
Having quitted the Borders, to seek new renown,
Is coming, by long Quarto stages, to Town ;
And beginning with Rokeby (the job's sure to pay)
Means to do all the Gentlemen's Seats on the way.
Now, the Scheme is (though none of our hackneys

can beat him)
To start a fresh Poet through Highgate to meet

him;
Who, by means of quick proofs no revises —

long coaches -
May do a few Villas, before Sc—tt approaches.
Indeed, if our Pegasus be not curst shabby,
He'll reach, without found'ring, at least Woburn-

Abbey.
Such, Sir, is our plan — if you're up to the freak,
'Tis a match! and we'll put you in training next

week. At present, no more — in reply to this Letter, a Line will oblige very much

Yours, et cetera. Temple of the Muses.

Bring thy best lace, thou gay Philander,
(That lace, like H-rry Al-x-nd-r,
Too precious to be wash'd,) - thy rings,
Thy seals — in short, thy prettiest things!
Put all thy wardrobe's glories on,
And yield in frogs and fringe, to none
But the great R-g-t's self alone;
Who- by particular desire -
For that night only, means to hire
A dress from Romeo C-tes, Esquire.3
Hail, first of Actors ! 4 best of R-g-t's!
Born for each other's fond allegiance !
Both

gay Lotharios — both good dressers -
Of serious Farce both learn'd Professors -
Both circled round, for use or show,
With cock's combs, wheresoe'er they go ! 5

LETTER VIII.

FROM COLONEL TH-M-S TO

SK-FF-NGT-N, ESQ.

Thou know'st the time, thou man of lore!
It takes to chalk a ball-room floor-
Thou know'st the time, too, well-a-day!
It takes to dance that chalk away..
The Ball-room opens — far and nigh
Comets and suns beneath us lie;
O'er snow-white moons and stars we walk,
And the floor seems one sky of chalk!
But soon shall fade that bright deceit,
When many a maid, with busy feet
That sparkle in the lustre's ray,
O’er the white path shall bound and play
Like Nymphs along the Milky Way:-
With every step a star hath fled,
And suns grow dim beneath their tread!
So passeth life -(thus Sc--tt would write,
And spinsters read him with delight,) —
Hours are not feet, yet hours trip on,
Time is not chalk, yet time's soon gone!?

COME to our Fête ?, and bring with thee
Thy newest, best embroidery.
Come to our Fète, and show again
That pea-green coat, thou pink of men,
Which charm'd all eyes, that last survey'd it;
When Br-mm-l's self inquir'd“ who made it?"-
When Cits came wond'ring, from the East,
And thought thee Poet Pye at least !

Oh! come, (if haply 'tis thy week For looking pale,) with paly cheek;

But, hang this long digressive flight !
I meant to say, thou'lt see, that night,

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1 Paternoster Row,

gedian bere alluded to, was a cock; and most profusely were ? This Letter enclosed a Card for the Grand Féte on the his liveries, harness, &c. covered with this ornament. 5th of February.

6 To those, who neither go to balls por read the Morning 3 An amateur actor of much risible renown.

Post, it may be necessary to mention, that the floors of Ball4 Quem tu, Melpomene, semel

rooms, in general, are chalked, for safety and for ornament, Nascentem placido lumine, videris, &c. Horat. with various fanciful devices. The Man, upon whom thou hast deign'd to look funny,

Hearts are not Aint, yet Aints are rent, Oh Tragedy's Muse! at the hour of his birth —

Hearts are not steel, yet steel is bent. Let them say what they will, that's the Man for my money, After all, however, Mr. Sc-tt may well say to the Colonel, Give others thy tears, but let me have thy mirth!

(and, indeed, to much better wags than the Colonel,) isa 5 The crest of Mr. C-tes, the very amusing amateur tra. Hauksuotas n Milcles.

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