being at length convinced that Mr N. had been right, and that I had been mistaken in the several particulars in which we had differed, it occurred to me that, having preached these doctrines so long, he must understand many things concerning them to which I was a stranger. Now, therefore, though not without much remaining prejudice, and not less in the character of a judge than of a scholar, I condescended to be his hearer, and occasionally to attend his preaching, and that of some other ministers:—and I soon perceived the benefit; for from time to time the secrets of my heart were discovered to me, far beyond what I had hitherto noticed; and I seldom returned from hearing a sermon without having conceived a meaner opinion of myself; without having attained to a further acquaintance with my deficiences, weaknesses, corruptions and wants; or without being supplied with fresh matter for prayer, and directed to greater watchfulness. I likewise learned the use of experience in preaching, and was convinced that the readiest way to reach the hearts and consciences of others, was to speak from my own. In short, I gradually saw more and more my need of instruction, and was at length brought to consider myself as a very novice in religious matters. Thus I began experimentally to perceive our Lord's meaning, when he says, "Except ye receive the kingdom of God as a little child, ye shall in no wise enter therein." For though my proud heart is continually rebelling, and would fain build up again the former Babel of self-conceit, yet I trust I have from this time, in my settled judgment, aimed and prayed to be enabled to consider myself as a little child, who ought simply to sit at the Master's feet, to hear his words with profound submission, and wait his teaching with earnest desire and patient attention. From this time I have been enabled to consider those persons, in whom knowledge has been ripened by ́years, experience and observation, as fathers and instructors, to take pleasure in their company, to value their counsels, and with pleasure to attend their ministry. Thus, I trust, the old building which I had purposed to repair, was pulled down to the ground, and the foundation of the new building of God laid aright: "Old things passed away, behold all things were become new." "What things were gain to me, those I have counted loss for Christ." My boasted reason I have discovered to be a blind guide, until humbled, enlightened, and sanctified by the Spirit of God: my former wisdom, foolishness: and that when I thought I knew much, I knew nothing as I ought to know. Since this period, every thing I have experienced, heard, or read, and every thing I observe around me, confirms and establishes me in the assured belief of those truths which I have received; nor do I in general any more doubt whether they be from God, than I doubt whether the sun shines, when I see its light, and am warmed with its refreshing beams. I see the powerful effects of them continually among those to whom I preach; I experience the power of them daily in my own soul; and, while by meditating on and "glorying in the cross of Christ, I find the world crucified unto me, and I unto the world,"-by preaching Jesus Christ and him crucified, I see notoriously immoral persons "taught by the saving grace of God to deny ungodliness and worldly lusts, and to live soberly, righteously, and godly in this present world," being examples to such as before they were a scandal to. : And now, by this change, the consequences of which I so much dreaded, what have I lost, even in respect of this present world?-Indeed, I have lost some degree of favour, and I escape not pity, censure, scorn, and opposition but the Lord is introducing me to a new and far more desirable acquaintance; even to that of those whom the Holy Spirit hath denominated the excellent of the earth; nay, the Lord the Spirit condescends to be my Comforter. In general, I enjoy an established peace of conscience, through the blood of sprinkling, and continual application to the heavenly Advocate; with a sweet content, and "that peace of conscience which passeth all understanding," in "casting all my cares upon him who careth for me:" and I am not left utterly without experience of that "joy which is unspeakable and full of glory." These the world could not give me, were I in favour with it; of these it cannot deprive me by its frowns. My desire henceforth, God knoweth, is to live to his glory, and by my whole conduct and conversation" to adorn the doctrine of God my Saviour," and "to shew forth his praises, who hath called me out of darkness into his marvellous light;" to be in some way or other useful to his believing people, and to invite poor sinners who are walking in a vain show, and disquieting themselves in vain," to "taste and see how gracious the Lord is, and how blessed they are who put their trust in him." "Now would I tell to sinners round, Thus hath the Lord led me, a poor blind sinner, in a way that I knew not;-" he hath made darkness light before me, crooked things straight," and hard things easy, and hath brought me to a place of which I little thought when I set out; and having done these things for me, I believe, yea, I am undoubtedly sure, he will never leave me nor forsake me. To him be the glory of his undeserved and long-resisted grace: to me be the shame, not only of all my other sins, but also of my proud and perverse opposition to his purposes of love towards me. But all this was permitted, that my high spirit and proud heart being at length humbled and subdued, "I might remember, and be confounded, and never open my mouth any more, because of my shame, now that the Lord is pacified to me for all that I have done." And now, as in the presence of the heart-searching Judge, I have given, without one wilful misrepresentation, addition, or material omission, an history of the great things God hath done for my soul; or if that suit not the reader's view of it, a history of that change which hath recently taken place in my religious sentiments and conduct, to the surprise of some, and perhaps the displeasure of others, among my former friends. The doctrines I have embraced are indeed charged with being destructive of moral practice, and tending to licentiousness: but though I know that my best righteousness' are as filthy rags, yet I trust I may return thanks to God, that by his grace he hath so upheld me since this change took place, that I have not been permitted to disgrace the cause in which I have embarked, by any immoral conduct: " My rejoicing," in this respect," is this, that in simplicity and godly sincerity, not with fleshly wisdom, but by the grace of God I have my conversation in the world." I can confidently avow, that the belief of these doctrines hath a quite contrary effect upon me. I most earnestly desire, aim, endeavour, and pray to be enabled to love God, and keep his commandments, without partiality and without hypocrisy ;" and so to demean myself as by "welldoing, to put to silence the ignorance of foolish men." That I fall so very far short in every thing, is not the effect of my new doctrines, but of my old depraved nature and deceitful heart." Create in me a clean heart, O God, and renew a right spirit within me!" PART THIRD. Observations on the Preceding Narrative. My design in writing this account of myself, and my religious inquiries and change of sentiments, was this: I considered myself as a singular instance of a very unlikely person, in an uncommon manner, being led on from one thing to another, to embrace a system of doctrine which he once heartily de f spised. As I assuredly believe that this change hath been effected under the guidance and teaching of the Holy Spirit, so I hoped that a circumstantial relation of it might be an encouragement and comfort to those who know and love the Lord, and from them levy a tribute of gratitude and praise to our gracious God: and that it also might be instrumental, by the convincing Spirit, to awaken others to a serious review of their religious sentiments; to put them upon the same earnest inquiry after the truth as it is in Jesus; and to influence them to the diligent use of the same blessed means, in which the Lord directed me to be found. I would therefore now offer a few observations on the preceding Narrative: and may the Lord guide both the writer, and every reader of these pages, to the saving knowledge of the truth, and into the ways of peace and righteousness. I. It must be evident to every unprejudiced reader of this Narrative, that at the time this change commenced, I was, humanly speaking, a most unlikely person to embrace the system of doctrine above stated.-This will appear from the following considerations: 1. My religious opinions had been for many years directly contrary to it. Being always of a reflecting turn of mind, I entertained exceedingly high notions of the power of human reason; and I had, upon reasoning principles, embraced a system of religion, which both soothed my conscience and flattered my self-conceit. After some trivial alterations, I seemed to myself, upon mature deliberation, to have come to a settled determination, and had bestowed considerable pains in making myself acquainted with those arguments and interpretations of Scripture, by which that system is usually defended and I had ranked together many of those plausible objections and high charges, which are commonly brought by reasoning men against the doctrines and characters of the Calvinists. But I was in a great measure a stranger to what the Calvinists could say for themselves; because I thought the matter too plain to bear an argument, and therefore did not think their answers worth reading. In short, very few have been recovered from that abyss of error, (for so I must call it,) into which I had been permitted to sink. Full of confidence in my cause, and in the arguments with which I was prepared to support it, I was eager to engage in controversy with the Calvinists, and entertained the most sanguine hopes of victory. In this con-fidence I frequently harangued against them from the pulpit, and spared not to charge upon them consequences both absurd and shocking. Yet, after much, very much, anxious diligent inquiry, I have embraced, as the sacred truths of God's unerring word, every doctrine of this despised system! 2. My natural spirit and temper were very unfavourable to such a change. Few persons have ever been more self-sufficient and positive in their opinions, than I was. Fond to excess of entering into argument, I never failed on these occasions to betray this peculiarity of my character. I seldom acknowledged or suspected myself mistaken; and scarcely ever dropped an argument, till either my reasonings or obstinacy had silenced my opponent. A certain person once said of me, that I was like a stone rolling down a hill, which could neither be stopped nor turned: this witness was true; but those things which are impossible with man, are easy with God. I am evidently both stopped and turned: man, I am persuaded, could not have done it; but this hath God wrought, and I am not more a wonder to others than to myself. Indeed, I carried the same obstinate positive temper into my religious inquiries; for I never gave up one tittle of my sentiments till I could defend it no longer; nor ever submitted to conviction till I could no longer resist. The strong man armed with my natural pride and obstinacy, with my vain imaginations and reasonings, and high thoughts, had built himself many strong-holds, and kept his castle in my heart; and, when One stronger than he came against him, he stood a long siege: till, being by superior force driven from one to another, and all his armour in which he trusted being at length taken from him, he was constrained to recede. So that the Lord hav ing made me willing in the day of his power, I was forced to confess," O Lord, thou art stronger than I, and hast prevailed.” 3. My situation in life rendered such a change improbable. I had an increasing family, no private fortune, a narrow precarious income, and no expectations, except from such friends as my conduct might procure or continue to me. I had unexpectedly contracted an acquaintance with some of those, whose favour goes a great way towards a man's advancement in life; nor was I insensible to the advantages to be hoped for, from cultivating by a compliant behaviour their kind and friendly regard to me. At the same time, I was no stranger to the opinion which the world entertain of those who preach these disreputable doctrines; and could not but conclude, that embracing them would probably deprive me of these prospects of preferment. But, as the result of diligent inquiry, I was assuredly convinced that it was my indispensable duty to profess and preach them, and that by so doing alone, I could ensure to myself the favour of a better Friend than any here below and thus, while fully aware all along how unfavourable, according to human probability, it would prove to my worldly interests, I at length deliberately embraced them. 4. My regard to character was no trifling security against such a change of sentiment. I was ambitiously and excessively fond of that honour which cometh from man; and considered the desire of praise as allowable, nay, laudable. By this motive was I urged on to a very diligent prosecution of my studies, even beyond what natural inclination led me to; and my whole conduct was influenced by, my whole conversation was tinctured with, this vain-glorious aim. On the other hand, with approbation and self-complacency, I had been accustomed to bear the most contemptuous and opprobrious epithets liberally bestowed on those persons, to whom I have now joined myself: and all along, as I verged nearer and nearer to Methodism, I was painfully sensible that I was drawing upon myself the same mortifying distinctions. I have been a vain-glorious candidate for human applause: but I renounce such pretensions, and willingly submit to be considered by the world, under the mortifying character of a half-witted, crack-brained enthusiast. These epithets I am sensible are now bestowed upon me behind my back, nay, very often to my face: I bless God, however, this doth not move me; but I can heartily thank him, that I am counted worthy to suffer shame for his sake. But when I saw the trial approaching, it appeared very formidable; and I can truly affirm, that nothing but the fullest conviction, that the cause in which I was embarking was the cause of God, nothing, but not daring to act contrary to the plain dictates of my conscience, could have influenced me to make this sacrifice of my character, and bring upon myself so much scorn and contempt. 5. To reason with our despisers upon their own principles: if I am now fallen into enthusiasm, mistake, and strong delusion; I certainly was, when I first set out in this inquiry, a very unlikely person so to do. My leading resolve was to search for the truth diligently, and to embrace it wherever I found it, and whatever it might cost. No sooner had I begun the inquiry, than I was called upon to give proof of the sincerity of this resolution; and from a principle of conscience, though a mistaken one, I renounced my prospect of an immediate preferment; and it would be uncandid to question my sincerity after it had been thus evidenced. Since that time I have also deliberately sacrificed my character, and hazarded the loss of all my former friends. Giving these proofs of integrity, I set off in dependence on those plain promises which I have mentioned: I have sought this desired knowledge of the truth, chiefly in reading the Holy Scriptures, and by prayer for the promised teaching of the Holy Ghost, in the manner which hath been related; and I am now led to conclusions diametrically opposite to what I expected! Now, lay all these things together, and attentively consider them, and then let your own consciences determine how far it is probable, that a person, in this manner seeking for the truth, should be given over to a strong delusion to believe a pernicious lie. "If a son shall ask bread of any of you that is a father, will he give him a stone? or if he ask a fish, will he for a fish give him a serpent? or if he shall ask an egg, will he give him a scorpion? If ye, then, being evil, know how to give good gifts unto your children; how much more shall your heavenly Father give the Holy Spirit to them that ask him?" Can any man suppose, that after such repeated and continued pleading, of the express promises of the Lord to this effect, in earnest prayer, according to his appointment, I should be delivered up to the teaching of the father of lies? Can any one make this conclusion without an evident insinuation that God hath broken his promises? In short, you may make a jest of the Narrative; you may throw by the book without giving any attention to an argument of this kind; you may say, what you never can prove, that it is all a contrived story; or you may argue, that these promises, though contained in the Bible, are not to be depended on by us, which is to give up the Scriptures to be scoffed at by Infidels and Atheists, and to render them useless to the humble anxious inquirer after truth and salvation; but by no other means, I am assured, can you account for this single circumstance, without allowing, that the substance of those doctrines, which I have now embraced, is indeed contained in the word of God; that they comprise the truth as it is in Jesus, and are not corrupted with any such delusion as can hazard the salvation of my soul, or the souls of those who by my ministry receive them.-On this supposition all difficulties vanish. The Lord had given me a sincere desire to know the saving doctrine of the gospel; and though I was exceedingly ignorant, obstinate, and prejudiced, yet this desire having, according to his direction, led me to the word of God, and influenced me to seek his teaching by prayer, he was faithful to his own promises, and it was an example of his own words, "Every one that asketh receiveth, and he that seeketh findeth." My evident sincerity in seeking the truth was sufficient to convince any person, conversant and experienced in the things of God, that, as my friend foretold, thither would all my inquiries lead me; in that would they all finally centre. And could I be assured, beloved reader, whoever thou art, that thou wast as sincerely desirous to know the truth as I then was, and as heartily resolved to embrace it wherever thou mightest find it, and whatever it should cost thee; had I also assurance that, in a believing dependence on these promises, thou wast diligently, and from day to day, in the study of the word of God in prayer, seeking the accomplishment of them; I would as confidently foretel, that, as to those things which I now regard as essential to salvation, and, if thou hast the souls of others committed to thee, as to what is needful for thy usefulness in the ministry, thou wouldst be brought in time to these same conclusions, whatever thy present religious sentiments may be. May the Lord give thee true sincerity, and incline thine heart to try the experiment! I am aware that many will object to what I have argued on this head, as being too confident; and as what is urged by men of contrary religious sentiments, each in behalf of his own system: and, as I could not leave any material and plausible objection in force against what I have advanced, I hope the reader will excuse my obviating this beforehand. I would therefore entreat those who object to the confidence with which this argument is brought forward, impartially and carefully to consider the limitations with which on every hand it is guarded: and then to inquire, whether in any other way, than that which hath been mentioned, they can account for the fact. That is, supposing this Narrative true, (for which the appeal is to the heartsearching God,) and supposing the promises mentioned to be proposed to us, that we may embrace them, depend on them, and plead them in prayer, considering the glory of the divine veracity as concerned in their accomplishment to every believer; let them try whether they can possibly evade one of these conclusions.:-either God had failed of his promise; or he hath, in the main, and as far as is expressed, led the author by his Holy Spirit to the knowledge and belief of the truth.-As to the confidence of men of opposite C |