Don't be stiff-laced-but rather versâ vicé,-
The women like the fellows that are spicey.

Some have their amiable imperfections-
A fact that's contradictory, but true;—
We all admire virtuous predilections,

But all like others to have errors too;
A truth that leads to serious reflections,

And teaches us proud feelings to eschew ;-
To do right-like a sum in Conic Sections-
Is sometimes not a pleasant thing to do;
But when it must be done, its best to do it
With a good grace-or we may chance to rue it.

And what is Life? What is it? That's the question?
To think that the immortal soul should be
Subjected to our good or bad digestion!

Is a sad thing, with which I can't agree ;-
There is no joy in life without molestion-
Why people live at all has puzzled me!
In this there seems a general insanity-

-

But-as was said by some one-all is vanity!

What's Friendship but a bye-word for a sham-
With which our fellows their indifference cloak ;
Ask a friend's help? Give you a hearty d-,
And when you seek his shelter, sport his oak!
I sometimes wish I was not where I am-

Man's selfism is enough to make one choke!
And what is Love? A fiction-froth-a bubble-
The women give us all the greatest trouble!

The following exhibit the different states of mind, in which, imperfect beings as we are, most people are "before" and "after" dinner :

BEFORE DINNER.

In vain the tortured lover seeks for rest!

In vain o'er wastes and wilds I cheerless roam!

I feel an aching void within my

breast!

And faint with GRIEF I sadly wander home!

AFTER DINNER.

Earth has its sorrows-but its comforts too-

Stewed carp are not so bad-(we sometimes fry 'em)—
Do then what Horace teaches us to do-

Enjoy life while you can—and " Carpe diem.”—
The next sample that comes to my hand, is inscribed:

LINES WRITTEN AFTER DRINKING COLLEGE ALE:

(How much is not noted.)

I.

Fast flows the river's glassy stream
Through the enamelled glade;

While I of lost Lavinia dream,

Beneath the willow's shade.

II.

That stream the emblem is of life!-
The morn of life is ruddy!

But when it meets with care and strife,
It's waters soon grow muddy.—

III.

But of all griefs mankind that ail,
The pains of love are worst!
And I, in numbers, must bewail
My own, or I shall burst!

IV.

The cocks and hens that scratch the leas-
The geese that cackle by-

The birds that warble in the trees-
Are happier far than I!

V.

For every cock has got his hen,
And every drake his duck ;—
(I see them courting now and then!)
But I have no such luck.-

VI.

The birds, with every one its mate,
In plural numbers sing!

But I lament in Selkirk state,

Unblessed with anything!

These verses, it must be confessed, partake somewhat of the homeliness of the drink from which they emanated; another speciment, stained with college port is of a more fiery character:

The mourning lover roams from pole to pole,
But still his grief lies clinging to his soul;-
And now the torrid sun scorches his brain!-
Then Arctic ice-bergs cool it down again!

He scales the Alps-but bears his care behind him-
He dives down mines-but there his sorrows find him-
He scours the plains-but there his fate is surer-
For, still, "post equitem sedet atra Cura!"

Champagne, again, had a different effect; I found the following stanzas twisted round the neck of one of the empty bottles :—

I.

And thus they wandered in that shady grove,
Hand-locked-in-hand from morn to dewy e'en;
They looked-but neither dared to talk of love;
What their lips breathed not in their eyes was seen;
That love nor youth nor maiden sought to prove-

They felt it in each other's hearts I ween;
While the bright visions of that summer-day,

In their fond hopes seemed born to last for aye!

*

But see! Oh horrid change! The girl's a flirt!
She longs for rank, and hankers after riches;
She scorns her former peasant youth like dirt!
Marries a lord, and boldly wears the breeches!
At this the scouted lover is much hurt,

He wails by moonlight, while the night-owl screeches !
How could the maid treat the fond swain so shabbily?
Fœmina semper varium et mutabile!

The next was written after supper (eggs and bacon, followed by Welsh rabbit) and will speak for itself:

All nature frowns in darkness; and the skies
Glare luridly; while clouds on clouds arise!
My eyes grow dim; and my distempered brain
Is racked with horrid visions! And, in vain
I struggle; for a fiend in horrid shape
Sits on
breast! Nor can my
my
limbs escape
Its thraldom! It grows bigger! and more big!
And in the likeness of a monstrous pig

Squats on its hams-and-would I were mistaken!
Reproaches me for eating his fried bacon!

*

"A change comes o'er the spirit of my dream!"
Fantastic forms that are not what they seem,
Creatures so strange I wonder how I dreamt 'em!
Monstrum horrendum informe ingens cui lumen ademptum
Swarm round my head and flit before my eyes;
While eyeless ghost with bony spectre vies

In frightful

aspect-grinning!-gibing!-mocking!

With fleshless jaws! But sight still more shocking!
That form that seems so real! and yet I cannot seize it!
(Obstrepui steteruntque comæ et vox faucibus hæsit!)
My heart's blood curdles ! and my senses freeze!
Methinks I see Lavinia eating cheese!!!

I can no more.

Brandy punch, it seems, to judge from the following irregular effusion, had a sort of Pindaric effect:

Reason the joys of drinking mars

Who sings a song?

Don't let it be long

Light your cigars!

But mind that it's rich and uproarious!
Sing of women and wine,

With cheers nine times nine,

And we all will be happy and glorious!

It was plain that this state of things could not last; in a short time I should have become a public nuisance. The walls of my room were scrawled over with scraps of poetry and odds and ends of rhymes and verses. I had already startled my tutor by exclaiming in the middle of a problem of Euclid that Laviniă made a capital dactyl! The worthy man reproved me gently; and reminded me that Lavinia was the wife of Æneas (what had become of his wife Creusa, he remarked, had always been a problem with the learned, but Æneas lost her somehow, before gas-lights were invented, in the dark, (notwithstanding Troy was in a blaze) in turning round a corner ;) Æneas, he proceeded to remind me, was married to the young lady (whether by bans or broomstick he could not tell) at Latium, after having overcome his rival Turnus, as was the custom in those days, (but now nobody fights for a wife—it's all the other way) in single combat.

I seized this latter idea with avidity, and remembering that even with the son of the Goddess of Love the course of true love was a little roughish, I became reconciled to my own crosses; with the fixed determination however, that as the prosaic Peter was my Turnus his presumption should be punished in the same way ;-with this difference only, but whereas "pater" Æneas is graphically represented in the picture as hacking his enemy to pieces by main force with a sword curiously resembling a huge kitchen carving-knife, I would shoot mine scientifically by means of the modern invention of the pistol-a discovery which enables gentlemen to settle their differences without heating themselves, and to despatch one another with a fortiter in rê and a suaviter in modo in accordance with our improved ideas of good breeding and politeness.

The fermentation of spirits which these thoughts produced rapidly caused me to take a very different view of my position towards Lavinia from that which had at first possessed me; I now viewed myself as the injured party; and it was while my thoughts were suddenly turned in this new direction that an adventure befel me which gave rise to a very awkward perplexity in its unexpected consequences.

CHAPTER XXXII.

I WAS one evening taking a solitary walk, and absorbed in my musings I had insensibly strayed some miles into the country, without being conscious of the time or the distance. The dusk was drawing on; and reminded by the increasing shade that the hour was getting late I turned back and began to walk briskly homeward in order to effect my return before the closing of my college gates.

As I had no time to spare I endeavoured to make a short cut over a low hill and through a thick copse of trees in a part of the country not very inviting and with which indeed I was but imperfectly acquainted, for it had never happened to me before to extend my excursions in that

direction. I had not proceeded far before I heard, as I thought, an odd cry on my right; and while I was wondering what animal it could proceed from, an unequivocal scream made me aware that it was a female voice, at the same time that it bore instant evidence that some violence was in the act of being committed.

This roused me at once; and without losing a moment I made my way as fast as I could to the spot, and it seemed just in time; for I beheld a woman on the gronnd struggling with a man of the common sort and meanly clad, who, as it afterwards proved, had taken advantage of her being alone to rob her of her purse and watch; and she in her fright and in her attempt to resist had fallen to the ground, and it was in that position that I found her. Fortunately I had a stout stake in my hand, with which Orlando-like I was making my peregrinations; but the man, at sight of me, without waiting to make a fight of it, made off with his booty, and as I was too much occupied with the lady to follow him, he made his escape.

Now there was something exceedingly romantic in all this particularly calculated to take hold of the imagination; the time-the dusk-the solitariness of the place; the imminency of the peril; all conspired to make it a striking adventure; there was a distressed damsel in extremity, and an unlooked for succour precisely at the critical moment; I was the knight-errant; which of course gave a personal zest to the affair exceedingly impressive.

The lady smoothed her dress, and as even in that agitating moment, womanlike, she could not lose sight of the attention necessary to her becoming appearance, she hastily arranged one or two curls that were out of order and pinched up her bonnet a bit, and then broke out into exuberant expressions of thankfulness at the opportune rescue which I had afforded her. I raised her up respectfully, and in so doing could not fail to observe that she was uncommonly handsome, and of a beautiful figure; this increased the satisfaction which I felt at my good fortune in having been the means of saving her from further violence from the ruffian who had assailed her. As she still trembled and was very nervous she thankfully accepted the assistance of my arm to her mother's cottage which was at the distance of about half a mile in a nook under a hill, so sequestered and shut in with trees that it might escape the discovery of all but those previously acquainted with its locality.

The mamma was looking out for her daughter anxiously; she had been somewhat alarmed at her non-appearance; and was still more surprised to see her accompanied by a stranger and in a state of agitation which required explanation. The story was told in few words; the young lady had been on a visit that day to a friend about a mile from the house; had stayed late; and, fearing no harm, had been tempted to make the same short cut as myself in order to reach her home more quickly: the attack of the man and the robbery was the affair of a few seconds only; when as she said "this gentleman happily came to my assistance and I was saved."-Some hysterical tears followed this brief recital which I thought made her look more lovely.

ma;

Profuse thanks, as might be expected, were poured forth by the mamand I was informed in a few words of her whole history; that she was the widow of a naval officer; that she had one son, who was then at sea, but whose return she expected every day; and that she was living in retirement with her daughter in the neighbourhood of her early youth;