as great a piece of clemency to Romish priests, as transportation is, instead of the gallows, to other condemned criminals. In short, it will be so far from being a real diskindness to the Popish laicks of this nation, that it will be the greatest piece of friendship to them imaginable. This, we hope, they will be the more readily convinced of, if their wives, daughters, and maidservants cry out against this law, for then, to be sure, they have some particular concern in the matter. We hope, that our Popish laicks in England are men of as good observation as those in other countries, and particularly in France and Italy, where their very proverbs are sufficient to demonstrate, that they have no great opinion of their clergymen's chastity. It is not possible to expose those goatish fellows with more severity and contempt, than the Italians do by saying Fate Lui Coronna,' by way of sarcasm, of a stallion, that they do not think performs his part; alluding to the priests shaven crowns, as if that sacerdotal character were sufficient even to invigorate a horse. Their other proverb of Fate lo Prete,' let us make him a priest, when they have any ungovernable wanton in a family, that over-runs all their females, is a-kin to the other; and their covering their stone-horses with a monk's frock, when they find them indifferent for a mare in season, is a scandalous reproof of those brutish clergymen. Answerable to these is the French proverb: Qui veut tenir nette maison Qu'l n'y souffre ni pretre ni moin ni pigeon. Comparing the Popish clergy to the pigeons, for their venereous inclinations; and may be Englished thus: They, that would keep their houses chaste and neat, From thence must priests, monks, nuns, and pigeons beat. As all proverbs of that sort are founded upon something universally known, or conceived to be true, it is not at all for the honour of the Popish clergy, that their chastity should be thus reflected upon, in countries where they are the sole directors of conscience, and have sheir religion established by law. But that, which fixes it yet more upon them, is, that, in the Pope's chancery, the tax for eating eggs in Lent is greater than that for sodomy; and the penalty upon a priest, that marries, is greater, than upon those that commit that monstrous and unnatural villainy just now mentioned. From all which it is manifest, that they did not speak at random, who informed us, that the celibacy of such an innumerable multitude of Popish ecclesiasticks is the maximum arcanum dominationis Papalis, and that the priests testicles are the greatest promoters of the Pope's empire.' This will appear yet more plain, that it is of the highest importance to them, since the church of Rome maintains, that marriage is a sacrament, and that all sacraments confer grace, and yet denies it to her clergy: a manifest indication, that they have their graceless designs to promote by it; especially since, at the same time, the want of those parts, which they will not allow them to make use of in a regular way, renders them incapable of being priests, according to their canons; but yet they are so kind to their gelded martyrs, as to allow it to be sufficient, if they have them about them in powder, or any other way. These things confirm, in a literal sense, the odious characters given the church of Rome, in the Revelations, chap. xvii, xviii. &c. as, the great whore, with whom the kings and inhabitants of the earth have committed fornication; the mother of harlots and abominations of the earth, having a golden cup in her hand full of abominations, and of the filthiness of her fornications,' &c. Then, since, by the testimony of God and man, the Romish clergy is such an impure and lascivious crew, it makes a law of castration a just and adequate punishment for them. To conclude: since our King and Parliament have both testified their zeal and forwardness to suppress immorality and profaneness, it follows naturally, that such a law as this deserves their serious thoughts; for it is impossible to suppress reigning vice, so long as those goatish fellows are suffered to swarm among us. They not only corrupt the morals of people themselves, by such practices and principles as above mentioned, but bring over and encourage others to do it, particularly those Italians, &c. who sell and print Aretin's Postures; and, in order to debauch the minds of women, and to make them guilty of unnatural crimes, invent and sell them such things, as modesty forbids to name. It is evident, that, as popery advanced upon us in the late reigns, debauchery gained ground at the same time, for they naturally make way for one another; and therefore we can never suppress immorality, without securing ourselves effectually against popery. If this should be attempted by a law of castration against Romish priests, it must be owned, that it would be more charitable and humane to save ourselves from popish superstition, and all its mischievous consequences, by that method alone, than to practise it, together with other punishments, upon such of those wretches as come to the gibbet for treason. The cutting off their privities in such cases, and throwing them into the fire, just before they be totally bereft of life, can be of no manner of use; whereas castration alone, before hand, might have saved us from the danger of their plots, and prevented themselves from coming to the gallows. LABOUR IN VAIN; OR, WHAT SIGNIFIES LITTLE OR NOTHING? Viz. I. The Poor Man's Petitioning at Court. II. Expectation of Benefit from a covetous Man in his Life-time. III. The Marriage of an Old Man to a Young Woman. IV. Endeavours to regulate Men's Manners by Preaching or Writing. V. Being a Jacobite. VI. Confining an Insolvent Debtor. VII. Promise of Secrecy in a Conspiracy. VIII. An Enquiry after a Place. London: Printed and sold by most Booksellers in London and Westminster, 1700. Quarto, containing thirty-two Pages. Printer. A Dialogue between the Author and the Printer. HAT title do you design to give this book? W Author. Labour in Vain: or, What signifies Lit tle or Nothing? Printer. Then I am like to make a very hopeful bargain this morning; and grow rich like a Jacobite, that would part with his property, for a speculative bubble. Author. Be not angry; for the same estimate and epithet the greatest divines give to the whole world. Printer. I do not like their characters, or epithets; for I believe there is a real value in our coin; and I know little of their spiritual notions, neither will I puzzle my head about what they tell me, I cannot rightly understand. Author. I could convince you, that you are in the wrong; in being so indifferent about enquiring into the cause, nature, and value of things. Printer. I am, in this point, a quaker; and will not by reason be convinced. Pray, Sir, tell me, Am I to buy a shop full of empty pasteboard-boxes, or not? Author. Sir, they are full. Printer, Why, then do you put over the door, that the goods Signify Little, or Nothing? It is a strange sort of information, to expect to get customers by. Author. I had several reasons that induced me to put this title to my book; and, not to keep you longer upon the fret, I will tell you some of them: first, the natural inquisitive humour, that reigns in all mankind, after novelty; for no sooner will the title be read, or cried, but the reader, or hearer, will query what it is about, conclude it some maggot or other, and, to be satisfied, will buy it; so, you will gain by his curiosity. Then I have known many dull books, that have sold well, by the help of an ingenious, or whimsical title. Puffe me, Puffe mo, Puffe cannot stay, Colle molle Puff;' the odness and maggot of that cry has sold the fellow many a tart; for many persons, who only out of curiosity have peeped into his basket, have found something or other that pleased them. Besides the title is apropo, because the subjects I write about, though they make a great bustle in the world, yet their conclusions, or produce, are very frivolous, insignificant, and answer not the end designed. Printer. To what purpose, did you spend your time in writing on such subjects? And why should I be at the labour of printing, or charge of paper? Author. Print it by all means; it may employ some to add to it the history of the printer. Printer. What, that my pains was labour in vain, and charge signified little or nothing? I am mightily obliged to you, for the method you have taken, to expose me to laughter: but let it prove as it will, if I buy the devil, I will try to sell him. But, if your whim does not take, I will never buy goods again, before I have looked over the parcel. The Poor Man's Petitioning at Court. HOW fruitless and empty the requests of the poor have returned at court, whether they have been for justice or mercy, is apparent from a thousand instances: and one I will relate to you, without a peevish design of reflecting upon any particular court, for the pauper's petition is alike neglected, by what I have seen, heard, or read, in every court. A gentleman, fitly qualified, who by permission had purchased an employ for life, under a king, and to his successors, upon a successor's coming to the crown (though he had taken oaths of allegiance, and done what was requisite, according to law, for qualification) to feed the avarice, or gratify the wicked bounty of a certain person, to whose care the managery was intrusted, was turned out, with only the madman's humorous reason, Sic jubeo, sic volo. By which unjust, at least, unkind usage, he had very little left to maintain himself, wife, and four children. At once, his quondam friends sounded retreat, As if his very looks infectious were: Like careful bees, to their own hives, they flew, As he from fortune, they from him withdrew. I cannot forbear, in this place, putting the epithet wicked, to that generous virtue, bounty; since here it was a powerful robbery committed upon one mau's right, to seem bounteous in a bequest to another. The deprived man, hurt, complained with all the respect, a supplicant should use; but his prayer was answered with a negative. Afterwards he served that king without pay in his army abroad, and, upon the death of the possessor of his employ, he again prayed to be restored; upon which prayer, he had an order for the next vacancy, which when happened, a certain gentleman, who but a short time before had presented the deprived man to the king, in the army, and had given it under his hand, that he had been turned out, without cause, and that he served as a volunteer; gave it again under his hand, that the poor petitioner's alledging to have served in the army, was a mistake; and his last act (the former, in good manners, I will believe, being forgot) was credited; so order and petition were both dismissed, to the ruin of the man, and his family. Observation. By this true relation, is evident the little success, that is to be expected from the poor unhappy man's petitioning against a man in power; for, when he pleases, he blackens and misrepresents an underling; and what a favourite says is easily believed. Then tell me how the poor shall find relief, Or gain a cure for undeserved grief, Their fate depending on a king's belief. In such a case, a prince is the easiest man in the world to be imposed on, considering the vast multitude of affairs, that center in his ordering and manage, the particular cognisance of all which it is impossible for him to take; for, upon a kind of necessity, he is obliged to have his knowledge of several affairs, from the report that those about him are pleased to make; and what man will tell a story to his own disadvantage? And who can tell it but the favourite, whilst the poor petitioner is debarred access? Before a fav'rite, none shall be believ'd, Which rarely warms th' endowments of the mind: Since money weighs down justice and desert, Expectations of Benefit from a covetous Man, in his Life-time. } QUIS Pauper? Avarus: an admirable and proper answer to the question; because the covetous man wanteth that which he hath, |