Billeder på siden
PDF
ePub

need of washing in the blood of Christ; yet it is a comfort to me, to this day, that I was enabled by grace to labour with the little souls, then committed to my charge; but desire to be humbled that I did no more. O, that I had been more faithful ! Surely I longed that all the world, but especially those dear to me by the bonds of nature or friendship, might be convinced of sin, and come to a glorious Christ. I thought I could even spend and be spent for them. I thought I could travail in birth till Christ was formed in them. And when I saw any giving themselves a liberty to sin, I could not, at some times, refrain from reproving them. Some would tell me I was turned fool, and distracted, when I said I had been a vile sinner, for every body knew I had been a sober woman all my days; and yet I used to do such things too, as well as they: And what was the matter now? Sometimes they would say, "This fit will be over quickly." But all such answers as these, of which I had a great many, would serve to humble me yet more, and put me upon pleading for persevering grace, that I might never bring dishonor upon the name of God. And indeed, all the trials I met with, which were various, had, through the abounding goodness of God, this effect, to quicken me yet

more.

But Satan had still a desire to sift me as wheat. He assaulted me daily; but those words of the blessed Jesus were frequently applied for my support, "I have prayed for thee, that thy faith fail not." One night in particular, when watching with

a dear friend, who was sick, Satan assaulted me in as furious a manner, seemingly, as though he had appeared in bodily shape, though with my bodily eyes I saw nothing. I believe the combat lasted, at least, two hours, as fierce as though I had talked with him face to face. He again ranked all my sins before my eyes, telling me it was impossible, notwithstanding my great hopes, for me ever to be saved. He was still sure of me, and would not let me go. I should surely turn back again, and worse than ever. It is impossible to relate the tenth part of the fiery darts he flung at me. But I was composed, not in the least daunted; but could prove him a liar in every thing he suggested, by scripture, which flowed into my mind, as though I had learned it all by heart. Never had I such a variety of scripture texts at my command in all my life, either before, or since. There was nothing he could allege against me, but if I knew it was true, I immediately subscribed to it; and then flew to the particular properties of the blood of Christ, which I found sufficient for me. Thus I overcame him by the blood of the Lamb; and was left, in the issue, filled with the consolations of the blessed Spirit; triumphing over Satan; blessing and praising God for delivering me out of the hand of this cruel tyrant; adoring the lovely Jesus, And thus I spent the remainder of that night. O, how sweet it was to me! I longed for more strength to praise and love; and even to be dissolved, and to be with Christ.

Thus I continued for some time, rejoicing and resolving, by assisting grace, to press forward, and by all means to make my calling and election Then I wrote my experience to be communicated to the Church; and I was admitted, February 6, 1737, to partake of that holy ordinance of the Lord's Supper. But it is impossible for me to express the ecstacy of joy I was in, when I saw myself there, who was by nature a child of wrath, an heir of hell, and by practice a rebel against God, a resister of his grace, a piercer of the lovely Jesus, unworthy of the crumbs that fall; yet, through free grace, compelled to come in, and partake of children's bread. It was indeed sweet to me to feed by faith on the broken body of my dearest Lord. Surely it did humble me to the dust, and filled me with self abhorrence, as I meditated on his sufferings and death, and knew my sins to be the procuring cause. But when I came to take the cup, and by faith to apply the precious properties of the blood of Christ to my soul, the veil of unbelief seemed to drop off, and I was forced to cry out, "My Lord, and my God," when I beheld the hole in his side, and the prints of the nails. And I could not but, in the words of Peter, appeal to him, Lord, thou knowest all things, thou knowest that I love thee." O then I was admitted, with the beloved disciple, to lean on his breast! O, astonishing grace, and unspeakable joy, to see God reconciled to me, in and through him; and he bidding me welcome to his table! The Holy Spirit, by his powerful influences, applied all this for my strong consolation. O, what a feast is this, when

sure.

intimate communion with the glorious God is thus obtained! When strong covenant engagements with him are renewed; I being assured that he was my God, and giving myself, body and soul, to him forever, and rejoicing in him as my only portion forever more. Surely, I thought, I could never enough adore the lovely Jesus for appointing such an ordinance as this.

But I cease to say any more of this; for it is impossible for me to describe the thousandth part of what I then felt. O, that I could always live as one who had thus been on the mount with God! The next morning I was as much refreshed by meditating on the 32d Psalm, from the first verse, to the end of the 5th. This caused me yet more to adore distinguishing grace, and even to be swallowed up with love to the immaculate Lamb; and resolve more and more, with full purpose of heart to cleave to the Lord. The frequent language of my soul was this: "Whom have I in heaven but thee? And there is none upon earth that I desire besides thee."

I daily renewed my covenant engagements with God: But that they might be more inviolably kept, I resolved to write them. And accordingly began to do it; and went on comfortably, till I came to write these words, "That I would leave lose, and deny all that was dear to me, when it stood in competition with God, even life itself, if he should please to call for it, rather than to forsake him and his ways." Then Satan beset me and furiously assaulted me. He suggested to me that I

D

:

was now lying to God: For I had nothing in me, that would stand by me, when an hour of trial should come; but, with the stony ground hearers, would fall away. This gave me a dreadful shock at first, and caused me to stop a while, to plead with God for a discovery of my state: That he would search me and try me, and see if there were any wicked way in me: And grant me real and persevering grace. And in answer to my petitions, the following portion of God's word was powerfully set home to my heart, "My grace is sufficient for thee." And then my heart was filled with joy and praises, firmly believing he was faithful who had promised, and therefore would perform it. So I proceeded to write with more fixed resolution than before.

But again Satan with great fury assaulted me, and told me, my hope would surely perish; and I should turn back, and be worse than ever, and brought to shame; and ranked in order my sins of youth. But I immediately opened my Bible, being dreadfully shocked with fear lest it should be

SO.

And the first lines I cast my eyes upon were in Isaiah liv. 4, &c. "Fear not; for thou shalt not be ashamed: Neither be thou confounded, for thou shalt not be put to shame: For thou shalt forget the shame of thy youth, and shalt not remember the reproach of thy widowhood any more. For thy Maker is thine husband, the Lord of hosts is his name, and thy Redeemer the Holy One of Israel, the God of the whole earth shall he be called. For the Lord hath called thee as a woman forsak

« ForrigeFortsæt »