was time enough for me to repent hereafter, it was now flrongly impreffed on my mind, that it was now too late for me to find mercy. Once I might have had a Chrift; but now my day was paft. And it was fuggefted that I had committed the unpardonable fin; because I had finned against light and knowledge, even against the convictions of my own confcience. This I knew I had done; and therefore believed I had committed that fin which could never be forgiven. In this diftrefs, I went to my Bible; but could find nothing but terror there. My whole attention was turned to fuch paffages as the following." After thy hardness and impenitent heart, treasureft up wrath to thy felf against the day of wrath, and revelation of the righteous judgment of God, who will render to every man according to his deeds. All diars fhall have their part in the lake which burneth with fire and brimstone. Depart from me, ye curfed, into everlasting fire, prepared for the devil and his angels. Confider this, ye that forget God, left I tear you in pieces, and there be none to deliver. He that being often reproved, hardeneth his neck, fhall fuddenly be deftroyed, and that without remedy. Ye have fet at nought my counsel, and would none of my reproof: F allo will laugh at your calamity, and mock when your fear cometh. It is a fearful thing to fall into the hands of the living God. Who among us can dwell with everlafting burnings!" All thefe, and many more fuch terrible paffages of fcripture, I found, whenever I opened the Bible. My eyes were open to nothing elfe, and not one word ! word of comfort could I find. And ifI thought of complying with any commanded duty, I feemed to be frowned away by thefe words, What haft thou to do to take my covenant into thy mouth ? -Oh, the distress and anguish of foul I then felt, neither my tongue nor pen can exprefs, when I was brought to believe there was no mercy for fuch a monster in fin as I was, and expected every moment that hell would open its mouth and swallow me up, amazed that God had kept me out fo' long! When Satan, and my wicked heart, had prevailed fo far as to make me despair of the mercy of God, and verily to believe hell would be my portion, I was tempted to try to get the cafielt room there; and, to that end, to keep myself as ignorant as I could; it being fuggefted to my mind, that the fervant who knew not his Lord's will would be beaten with few ftripes; while he who knew it, and did it not, would be beaten with many ftripes: And as my time was over for doing his will, I had better leave off reading, praying or hearing the word preached any more; for 1 fhould fare better, if I did. And oh, vile wretch as I was, I yielded in fome measure to the fubtil adverfary of my foul and falvation. O, aftonishing grace, that God did not ftrike me down into hell the very moment I thought to do fo! God had been juft if he had done fo, though I mult have weltered under the fcalding drops of his wrath forever and ever. But, O! what fhall I fay, or how, with gratitude enough, exprefs the wonderful goodness of that God, who preferved me, even when I was 66 was, in my own apprehenfion, upon the very brink of hell, weltering in my blood; when no eye pitied me, and no created arm could fave me: Even then did he spread his skirt over me, and faid to me, Live. After I had been near a week in this diftrefs, my very foul racked with fear of what I must undergo to all eternity, thofe words, Depart from me," founding in my ears, and I uttering the language of hell, "There is no hope! There is no help! The door of mercy is fhut againft me forever!" all at once, I was alarmed with these thoughts, which feemed to be conveyed to my mind in the following words. "Who has told you, that your day of grace is over? Are not the doors of the meeting houfe open? Cannot ? Cannot you hear the offers of falvation? Have you not your Bible to read? And you may pray: Therefore, you fee your external day of grace is not over, And how do you know but you may yet obtain mercy? It is the devil who has fuggefted all this to you; and he is a liar from the beginning." I was then convinced, that it was the devil who had been tempting me to defpair of the mercy of God, which I did not perceive before, but verily thought what he fuggefted to me was true, viz. That there was no hope for me. It was During the time of this diftrefs, which was from Saturday night to the next Saturday night, 1 flept no more than just to keep me alive. And when I did fleep, it was filled with terrors. the fame with my neceffary food; I thought myfelf fo unworthy of the leaft mercy, that I knew not how to eat. I found that expreffion of Solomon Solomon to be true," The fpirit of a man will fuflain his infirmity; but a wounded fpirit who can bear ?" For fure I am that no affliction or pain of body whatever, is to be compared with what I then underwent. Oh how terrible muft it be for those poor fouls who are on a death bed, to have fuch hard work to do! I have often thought if I had not been in bodily health, I could not have lived through it. But, bleffed be God, it was when I was as well in body, as I have been for many years; which has been a comfort to me on all accounts; and particularly because fick bed repentance too frequently. wears off. But to proceed: After I faw that I was tempted by Satan to defpair, and knowing that he was a liar, I began, for a few minutes, to have fome glimmering of hope that it might poffibly be, that Chrift would receive me, because he had fpared me hitherto, on this fide the grave, and out of hell. Who knows, thought I, but I may yet be a child of God.. Immediately upon thefe thoughts, I was furioufly affaulted with new temptations by Satan, I believe, not to flatter myself with the thought that I fhould be a child of God; for I was not elected, and therefore could not be faved. Befides, God did not leave his children to he tempted by him, as I had been. I might be fure, if I was one of God's chofen, he would not have fuffered me to be tempted fo; but I belonged to Satan, and he was fure of me. And I, like a fool, yielded to thefe fuggeftions, and at once call off my hope again, verily believing it was impoffible that I could ever be a child of C God. God. Now I was brought to the greatest extremity, and plunged into as deep an agony as ever. I faw myself utterly loft without à Chrift. I thought I could have fuffered all the torments in the world for an intereft in Chrift. IfI could have purchased him by doing any thing, though ever fo hard, I fhould then have thought it nothing. But oh, bafe, proud, unbelieving heart! I could not take him freely, upon his own terms; because, though I had no doubt that he was able to fave me; yet I could not fee him willing to receive so vile a wretch. In this dreadful agony, I opened my Bible, and the firft words I caft my eye upon were thefe: 1 Cor. X. 13. "There hath no temptation taken you, but fuch as is common to man: But God is faithful, who will not fuffer you to be tempted above that you are able; but will, with the temptation, alfo make a way for your escape, that ye may be able to bear it." These words were accompanied with thofe powerful influences of the fpirit of God, which excited in me a fenfe of the excellence, glory and truth of God, and I had a pleafing confidence and reft in the divine faithfulnefs, and embraced the promises in these words. As it is not poffible for me to exprefs the greatnefs of the diftrefs, in which I was before; fo it is as much impoffible for me to make any one fenfible of the joy, with which I was inftantly filled by this gracious promife; except thofe who experimentally know what it is; for God was pleased, at that moment, to give me faith to lay hold on it. O, how did it fill my heart and mouth with praises, and my eyes with floods of tears! |