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resolved at last, if I lived to get home, I would venture, in obedience to the commandment of Christ; and throw myself into the arms of mercy. I longed to commemorate the death and sufferings of a crucified Jesus. I thought nothing should tempt me to delay any longer. But, oh my finful foul, must I yet add to the number of thy backslidings! Could not the time past suffice, that thou hadst provoked a compassionate God! Was it not enough, and more than enough, that thou hadst rebelled so long against a glorious Chrift, and grieved his blessed Spirit! But must I go on again, after fuch awakenings as these, which one would have thought impoffible! But, oh deceitful heart, thou didst, thou didst! Lord, I blush and am ashamed, when I remember my notorious ingratitude. O break this heart of flint, dearest Lord, that it may melt into tears of contrition: And never fuffer me to forgive myself, because thou hast forgiven me.

After I came home, I met with much affliction in many respects. It seemed to me that the whole world were in arms against me. I thought I was the most despised creature living upon earth. I used to pray to God in secret to relieve me; but did not, as I ought, see his hand in permitting it so to be, as a just punishment for my vile sins: And therefore was not humbled under it as I ought; but let nature rise, and acted very imprudently, in many respects.. I was then with child, and often lamented that I was like to bring a child into such a world of forrow: But some times found a disposition to dedicate my babe to God, while in

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the womb, and did so, at all seasons of fecret prayer. And, after it was born, my husband being at sea, I could not rest till I had folemnly given it up to God in baptifm. And I thought that I did indeed give up both myself and it to God.

I met with many trials in my lying in, it be ing an extreme cold season. My child was born on Oct. 27, 1732. The next fpring, my husband returned home; but went to sea again, and died abroad in November, 1733. I was then in my twentieth year. The news of my husband's death came to me on the first of the next April. And I was prepared the evening before to receive it, by being uncommonly exercised in my mind about spiritual things: And that text in Hebrews was continually in my thoughts, "How shall we escape, if we neglect fo great falvation?" This put me upon plead ing with God, that I might not be found among the neglecters of it. I went to bed in a houseall alone, my child being at my father's. And about eleven or twelve o'clock at night was a waked to hear the heavy tidings. But God ap. peared wonderfully for my, fupport. I faw his. hand, and was enabled to submit with patience to his will. I daily looked round me, to fee how much heavier the hand of God was laid on, fome others, than it was on me, where they were left with a large number of children, and much, involved in debt. And I had but one to main, tain; and, though poor, yet not involved. Oth.. ers, I faw, as well as myself, had their friends Inatched from them by fudden accidents. The confideration, confideration of these things, together with the thoughts of what I deserved, stilled me so, that though the lofs of my companion, whom I dear ly loved, was great; yet the veins of mercy, which I saw running through all my afflictions, were fo great likewife, that, with Job, I could fay, "The Lord gave, and the Lord hath tak en away, and blessed be the name of the Lord." I had then the promises of the widow's God to plead, and feemed to cast myself more immedi ately upon his care, verily believing, as I thought, he would provide for me, with my fatherless babe; for whom I often pleaded for covenant bleffings, fince he had been caft upon God from the womb.

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O, how much comfort do those parents.lofe,. who never gave their children up to God in baptifm in their infancy! And how fad for chil-. dren themselves to be deprived of the privilege. of pleading with God for covenant bleffings! My being dedicated to God in my infancy al. ways put an argument into my mouth, to beg of God, that i, might not cut myself off, since 1 was a child of the covenant, and from a child, given to him in baptifm. But, to return:

As before this affliction every one feemed to be enemies to me, fo from that time, all became friends. My parents treated me very tenderly;. and God inclined every one who faw me to be kind to me. My brother was come into New England: And being a fingle man, we went to housekeeping together. But in three months. after he married, and I foon found it would not

do to live as before; and began to be thought

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ful how I should do. I could fee no way in which I could get a living. All doors seemed to be shut. But I verily believed that God would point out a way for me. And accordingly, the very day I came to a resolution to move as foon as I could, a stranger to my cafe, who kept a school a little way off, came to me, and told me that the only waited for a fair wind to go to Carolina; and, if it would fuit me, I should have her chamber and schollars; which I joyfully accepted. Thus the widow's God remarkably provided for me. This was on Nov. 19, 1734. I was then placed in a family, who discovered a great deal of affection for me; and in all respects used me as tenderly as if L had been a near relation.

It pleased. God the next May to lay his afflicting, hand on me, by a sharp humour, which broke out in my hands, so that, for three months, every finger I had was wrapped up in plasters; and I could help myself but very little, and was under the doctor's hands. In the fall I was taken with violent fits, and was quite deprived of sense by them five days. I was blistered almost all over by the doctor; and my hands and arms were all raw, from my fingers' ends, up above my elbows, attended with a high fever. But all my friends were exceedingly kind to me, and those in the house took. care of me, and of my children too; so that my school was not broken up, till I was able to take care of it myself again. But the sharp. humour continued very violent, at times, for fome years: And ftill continues at some sea, fons..

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fons. But, in all this time of illness, God wonderfully provided for me. I wanted for none of the comforts of life: Neither was I caft down; for his mercy held me up.

The instances of the remarkable hand of God in his providence, in ordering my temporal affairs, are innumerable. But, oh vile wretch ! after all this I grew flack again, and got into a cold, lifeless frame. As I grew better in bodily health, my foul grew fick. I daily laid up a stock for repentance. But, through rich grace, I was again convinced of my stupidity, and be. gan to be more diligent in attending on the means of grace. But I found I could not prof it by the word preached: Nothing reached my heart; all seemed but skin deep: And the more I went to meeting, the more I found it fo. Then I began to think I must take some other course.

Not long after I went to hear Mr. Clap; who told me the very fecrets of my heart in his fermon, as plain as I could have told them to him, and indeed more so. His fermon was very terrible to me. My fins, from my cradle, were ranked in order before my eyes, and they appeared dreadful. I saw the depravity of my nature; and how I was exposed to the infinite justice of an angry God. All my former convictions were brought to my remembrance. I faw how I had ftifled the motions of the bleffed Spirit of God, and resisted all the kind invitations of a compassionate Saviour. I was heart fick of all my works. And as it had been often suggested to me, I believe from Satan, that it

was